A Recovery Blog

This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness and addiction. I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write, by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist and 12 Step ideas and concepts. I claim that the yin/yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense, method and even a kind of balance. We are more resilient than we think. We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale. A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest, when we reach out for help, when we tell our stories.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

Friendship, Solitude and Internal Stigma

Elizabeth's gentle challenge that I should cultivate off line friendships has got me thinking for the past couple of days. I've tried several times to post but wound up deleting what I'd written. The truth is that I haven't had a close adult friendship. I've had boyfriends and I've had friendships that never developed into something closer. Since I became ill over eight years ago, I've spent huge chunks of time alone. Unlike many people who suffer from schizophrenia, I neither lived with my family or at a halfway house or in a hospital. Much of what I've gone through has been in solitude with few witnesses.

In the beginning of my illness surprisingly it was my tormenting voices that made me reach out to other people and also help other people. The reaching out and helping weren't the problem; the problem was the way in which the voices badgered me to stop my natural tendency to withdraw when wounded. Luckily the people I encountered, those who helped me and who I helped, were all good and kind people. So I made the transition from being out of my mind and alone to being still sick but balanced by being around other people.

I went first to Al-Anon meetings and then to meetings for victims of domestic violence because I had experience with both. I found people to help and be friends with there. Except for one young friend, I didn't admit that I suffered from schizophrenia to anyone. I just put on a brave and willing face and did what I could under the circumstances to support my new found friends and their families. The voices had called me evil but through being with others, I knew that I was not and that was an important lesson. Still, in most often putting to focus on other people I was neglecting myself. There was still unfinished business between me and my psychosis.

I decided to go back to art school and finish my degree. And so I did go back but suffered from another psychotic break. That's when I began to start taking the anti-psychotic medication regularly. I struggled through school and major depression for a while. I believe it was the depression that caused me to stop seeing people outside of school. That plus I started to put on a lot of weight and I felt unattractive and self-conscious. And so I did my work but I withdrew into my self. I'm sure if there had been a support group for mental illness on campus that I would have gone to it but there were none. Even so, the depression began to lift some and I did finish school.

That was a year and eight months ago. Though I was proud of myself for getting that degree, I was also relieved when I no longer had to go to school. But then my contact with people dropped dramatically. No school, no therapist, no support group meetings, no friendship. And that was all my own decision. I was not forced into solitude. I chose it. And despite the lack of a support system I was starting to feel better. I was enjoying being alone. I was free of any major responsibilities and for a time that has been good.

But time doesn't stand still and change is inevitable. It is not surprising to me that the depression has returned. I can be without people for a time with no ill consequence but only for a time. So now I'm back to seeing my therapist and I've decided to return to Al-Anon. I've found support groups a wonderful place to meet people. Many people meet other people in bars but I just don't have the stomach for alcohol anymore. I only wish there were more support groups available where I live. A goal of mine in to start a group either for mental illness in general or for schizophrenics in particular by the end of the Spring.

When I was in school I told several of my teachers that I suffered from schizophrenia and depression. It was awkward telling them but I wanted to dispel any stigma that is attached to the illness. I wanted to show that, in some way, I could contribute too despite having a handicap. But I also wanted that handicap to be acknowledged. If I didn't measure up to the rest of the class, I wanted the teachers to understand that it wasn't mere laziness on my part. Still, I carried within me an internal stigma and part of why that stayed in tact was because I didn't know anyone in my community who suffered from schizophrenia. I didn't know others who were like me. The isolation left a mark on me.

Now I have a desire to get beyond that internal stigma and a way to do that is to be open with everyone about my illness, to disperse the residue of the shame that I've internalized. Another way is to meet other people who suffer from schizophrenia and befriend them. The truth is that I'm curious to meet other people with schizophrenia. I really want to hear their stories and learn from them. And I want to realize that I'm really not living in a bubble.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Kate,

I've read your comments on Pam's blog and when I read your blog you seem so together. How is it that you and Pam can write so easily while my own 23-year-old daughter has such a difficult time doing anything including reading and writing? She used to read quite a bit and loved to write as well.

What do you think Kate --- in your opinion is it maturity? Did you get to a stage when you wanted to get outside of yourself? If I'm asking too many nosy questions, I'm sorry, but I'm always hoping that one day my daughter will come outside of herself. She's been diagnosed with depression, bipolar, sz, then schizoaffective and now bipolar and borderline personality disorder. I hate all the labels.

Regards,
Ing - Yaya

Wanderer said...

Hi Yaya,

I've been trying to come up with a good answer for you today but it's a tough question. My experience with people with schizophrenia is limited. So far, I've never actually met and talked with another person with schizophrenia and only know other schizophrenic people online. But my impression is that we're all different and go through different stages of the illness (and hopefully recover) at different times in our lives. For me, the first three years were pretty hellish (this was before I began taking the meds regularly) and I also had trouble being able to concentrate enough to do any activities. The voices were too powerful and persistent. I couldn't read, watch television, follow a conversation, etc... That is a hard stage to get through but it can be done.

I did it even without the meds but with therapy, support groups (not schizophrenia related unfortunately), and trying to help other people (something my voices enforced). But the medicine eventually restored some of my abilities. I think my belief in some kind of higher power helped me a great deal. Still helps me.

It's not enough to just take the meds, you have to work a program so to speak. If not with a therapist and a support group (I've isolated myself from that for two years but am now returning), then within yourself. Writing in a journal has been a means for me to do that (and I've written in one on and off since I was twelve).

For your daughter her inability to read and write may be a temporary phase, especially if she's compliant about taking her meds. It was a phase for me but it did end. But remember I was 36 when I finally became psychotic. Your daughter has suffered at a much younger age and is still developing. She just may need more time. Ultimately she has to work through the process in her own way. But she can do it. And you being there for her is such an added advantage. At least she is safe and loved. Yaya, she will get through this. Feel free to email me anytime and I love that you're interested enough to ask questions.

I hope some of this helps.

Kate

Anonymous said...

Hi Kate,

Thank you for your response. I want to believe that my daughter will eventually be able to read and write like you and Pam, but there are times I become impatient and want things to happen quickly. She has quite a few interests such as sewing, knitting, beading, and she is developing an interest in cooking.

I have seen some positive changes in her the last few months. You know how it goes... 3 steps back and two steps forward, but she is becoming much more discriminating in her ability to tell people what she wants and doesn't want. I see that as a positive sign.

It helps to discuss it with others who understand. Thanks again.

Ing-Yaya

Anonymous said...

Kate,

First, to address something you said in response to my last comment... Please do not feel self-conscious about what you write here! It's your blog! That means you get to say anything you want (:

As for this post, I think it's great you've started seeing your therapist again and are going to Al-Anon meetings. I used to go to OA and still co-lead an eating disorder support group at my church. Through the groups, I met some great people....one with whom I'm really good friends. Hopefully that will happen for you, too.

You also talk about stigma, which is a hard one for me. For a while, I decided to be open about my issues and the fact I take psychotropic drugs. But then, someone I thought I could trust turned around and tried to bite me in the ass with the information (professionally, not personally). After that, I've been much more careful about what I reveal and to whom.

I realize the stigma will persist as long as people with mental illness hide it...but at the moment, I'm not sure I want to be the one trying to eradicate stigma at the expense of my professional identity. On the other hand, I realize that by being successful, I'm in a unique position to challenge stereotypes of those with mental illness. Does this confer a responsibility on me? Maybe...I don't know.

Wanderer said...

Elizabeth,

About stigma: I'm very sorry to hear someone betrayed your confidence in them. That is truly a low blow. I can understand why you feel cautious and I respect your decision to keep your illness just between you and those you're close to. If I were working I'm sure I'd feel cautious too.

I guess I just don't want to be ashamed of the fact that I'm not well yet and at the same time I feel like a survivor and I'm proud of that. The human spirit can be so resilient and I think that's something to praise and cherish. I think the reason people fall for the stigma is that they are both ignorant and afraid of the unknown. But I also think that if you give them a chance, most people will respect you more for your strength and honesty... but not all and it's that minority that does the most damage. But over time, if more people stand up and admit without shame their condition and their willingness to do whatever it takes to recover, the more societies attitude will change about the role of the mentally ill in society.

You are still young and your time for challenging the stereotype of mental illness may not arrive till you're older and more established. The main thing is that you take care of you first.

I think it is wonderful that you co-lead an eating disorder support group! I hope to follow your good example...and you being a part of that group is taking on plenty of responsibility. Good for you Elizabeth!