A Recovery Blog

This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness. I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write, by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist ideas and concepts. I claim that the yin/yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense, method and even a kind of balance. We are more resilient than we think. We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale. A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest, when we reach out for help, when we tell our stories.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

A Death On Good Friday

Around the time that I was writing the last entry, a 17 year old girl had died or was dying from an auto collision that took place relatively near to my house, though I had no clue about it at the time. I found out about it on Saturday afternoon from my brother. The boy driving the car was her boyfriend and he didn't get seriously hurt. He misjudged, thinking that the truck was going to stop when it didn't. I vaguely know him because he played on our friend Rich's high school soccer team. My brother said that I talked to his grandmother once at a game, but I don't really remember. It is so sad about the girl, but my heart really goes out to that boy who will have to live with the fact of this for the rest of his life. On top of all that, he and the girl were next door neighbors, maybe they'd known each other since early childhood. I wish I could do something for him to ease his pain. It's incidents like this that scar a young person and put him or her on the wrong track. And I do believe there is a wrong track because I went on the wrong track myself when I was a younger woman. Young people don't have low self-esteem problems for no reason and this boy now has such a huge reason for tearing himself down. God, I hope that his family and friends stay close to him and keep telling him over and over "It wasn't your fault." Any one of us could have made the same simple mistake.

It makes me wonder about the existence of fate. Was this teenage girl destined to die young? And are there other people who are destined to live to old age? Because it seems as if the higher power could have prevented that fatal mistake with just a whisper in the ear saying STOP. But what good does such a death do? Was there an example that needed to be set for the other adolescents about careful driving. Would this one death save several others in the long run? It's just so senseless and horrible otherwise. And, of course, it was Good Friday, which I think is kind of creepy to call the crucifixion a good day, but so many people believe that Jesus died for their/our sins, thereby making the death "good". It seems to me that deaths vary, some die well, others die horribly. Jesus died horribly and this girl was not dead on impact. I heard her heart stopped a couple of times before she died. Cruel world! I mourn this girl and I mourn the little death to the boy's spirit that he will carry with him from now on.

I know there is goodness in the world and a lot of it, but there is also so much conflict and suffering. I still feel the echoes of some of the torture I've been through. Torture is such a strong word, but it is accurate and so many people, near and far, go through it whether it be domestic violence, mental illness or a war torn city. Sometimes I just get tired of the ups and downs each day, but at least I've lived a life. The young woman who died didn't get the chances that I got and am still getting and that seems very unfair. But then, obviously, life is not always fair because death shadows every one of us. I know I don't sound it, but I am grateful to be alive. So if you believe, send a prayer out to all the families that lose their children way too young. It's us survivors who need the help to keep on keeping on.
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