Right now I am holding on and I am in a lot of pain. I want to figure things out and find solutions, but the more I study and work and think, the more overwhelmed I am by the massive quantities of problems and pain in this world. That I am in pain is the logical outcome of trying to take on the role of God. I lose sight of my smallness when I get ambitious this way and I forget that I am dependent on God for help and not the other way around. I lose the faith that God is in this world and that every person is connected to God and on their particular path. It is not my job to heal anyone else. My responsibility is to take care of myself and hopefully set a good example for other people to do the same. God loves me as I am; I do not need to prove myself to God or anyone else. The goal is for each of us to do our part, working from inside out, from improving our conscious contact with God and being helpful to others without taking on their responsibilities to themselves. There is no one human savior for humankind. What we have on this planet is a living network and that is how we create positive change in the world. We willingly work together on one playing field without bogus hierarchies.
I have to accept that I will never know the big picture; only God has that vision. Letting go is accepting my limitations, letting myself be humbled by them and putting myself in my proper place as one small being amongst many.
A Recovery Blog
This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness. I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write, by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist ideas and concepts. I claim that the yin/yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense, method and even a kind of balance. We are more resilient than we think. We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale. A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest, when we reach out for help, when we tell our stories.