A Recovery Blog

This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness. I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write, by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist ideas and concepts. I claim that the yin/yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense, method and even a kind of balance. We are more resilient than we think. We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale. A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest, when we reach out for help, when we tell our stories.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Real Communication

"Most real communication actually creates the opposite of what we fear."
                                                                           Touchstones, January 18


Despite my social anorexia, my reclusiveness, I have connected with some people and this quote rings true for me.  When I have been honest and vulnerable, I have been received with kindness and generosity and not judgment and rejection.  The problem with my previous love addicted, abusive relationship was that I stopped practicing honesty.  Instead, I repressed and became resentful and this blocked my ability to practice "real communication".

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Honesty

"Being honest is how we finally come to know what used to baffle us about our addiction.  When we create a unity between honest feelings, honest thinking, and honest action, we find that we have become honest people."
                                                                          Answers In The Heart, November 3


I see honesty as the life's blood of my spiritual practice.  Without it, I am lost.  Honesty is the prerequisite for communing with my Higher Power.  Sometimes I feel as if I am in denial and that is very uncomfortable for me.  I feel as if denial is a form of dishonesty.  I want so badly to be honest in what I say and do, in how I interact with others.  I need to realize then that I will find the truths I need to understand my experience when I am ready.  Sometimes denial is there for a very good reason.





Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Community

"Too often we lose our way by forgetting that we are part of a community, a society, a world.  When we were in our addiction, we closed ourselves off from others and drifted along alone."
                                                                                 Answers In The Heart, January 16


Social anorexia, or depriving oneself of human contact, is an addiction.  I have been practicing this addiction for so long that I lose sight that it is an addiction.  It has become "normal" but it is not healthy for me.  I have hurt myself over the decades by withdrawing from community, society, the world.

I recently discovered another 12 Step group called Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families or ACA.  So many people showed up for this group identifying with the 14 traits, or what the group calls "The Laundry List", who did not have drug using parents or caretakers.  ACA, as a group, decided to include anyone coming from a dysfunctional home.

I come from a dysfunctional home where my parents did not abuse drugs or alcohol.  Yesterday I went over the 14 traits and I found myself answering yes to all of them, if not in the present, then in my past.  I am an adult child.  I've used the label for myself over many years and I have used the label for my brother, who was also so affected by the way he was brought up by our parents.  My addiction to isolation stems from my experiences as a child.

I have come to believe in the reality that there are many, many groups of recovering people all over the world.  I make a daily commitment to join those people when I call my sponsor, join a meeting, read support books and listen to support audio.

My daily call:

The Inspiration Line:  215-574-2120

My weekly call:

The Inspirational Story Line:  215-574-2121


Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Work In Progress



Most of the work that I've been doing has taken me a day or two to do, but this one is going to take longer.  I worked on this for an hour or so changing the girl on the left's face and trying to get a likeness for the mother's face, which I didn't succeed at doing.  The proportions may be wrong now and the figure on the side of the painting I'm not sure if I can fit.  It needs a lot of work and that's what I've been wanting lately, a challenge.  Well I've got it.  But I know when I say to myself to stop painting, I should listen and put it aside, which I'm doing now.  I had an excellent teacher in the 1980s who put out a book on painting and in her book she said that it was a good idea to work on several different projects at the same general time, so I have to look for something else to concentrate on....

Monday, March 6, 2017

Mother, Daughters & A Friend





Just started this painting yesterday with a charcoal drawing and with the oil paint today.  The girl on the left side does not look the way I want her to look based on the reference photo I'm using.  Her face and the color of her jacket will change, but I like the contrast between the two girls' expressions right now and I'd like to see the transformation, which is why I've taken pictures as I progress through the process of painting.