One Of My New Kittens - Pema

My new kitten Pema named after Pema Chodron the Tibetan Buddhist Nun I follow.

 

Update After Over A Month's Absence

Hello Everyone, I hope you all have been well. It’s been over a month since I last wrote and a lot has changed for me. About a month ago almost all of my voices have gone after being with them for 27 years since I was 36 years old. There are a few, but very few and they say some supportive things and then are quiet, so 98% of the time it is quiet in my mind. I have not been taking the anti-psychotic medications except for a few days a while ago and intend not to take them for now.  

I do still talk to myself and record it and listen back, more than before because I spend most of my time alone and it helps me to feel less isolated, closer to myself and Higher Power. I still wanted to adopt some animals for more company and connection to my heart. While I was in psychosis I was going to adopt two kittens and two puppies, Huskies. When I came out of the psychosis I knew I couldn’t take care of puppies, especially puppies that would get big. I had thought I would be living with people who knew about dogs, but that was just delusion. Cats, on the other hand, I had lived with all my life and I had raised quite a few kittens, so I settled on adopting four kittens. 

It took a little while but I picked out four from the Humane Society nearby, contacted my vet and got three friends to give recommendations and I have had them with me for over three weeks and they are wonderful and are getting along with my two older cats. Today a friend from town came over and started putting together a cat house I bought on Amazon. It’s going to be five feet tall with about three levels with different places to hang out and a scratching post. It also will be on wheels and a cool thing about it is that I can roll it outside the back of my house with them closed inside it for them to enjoy the outside when they are ready because they are indoor cats. Some people set it up to be connected to a window so they can go out, so to speak, and in at will, but I don’t have any windows I can do that with.  

But after the voices stopped and before I got the kittens my home was a filthy, cluttered mess, which during most of the years of my illness it has been to my great shame. I knew it was not fit for the kittens, so I decided to hire some junk removal people to come and clear out some of the main space where we would be living. I worked really hard for a week to gather up all the stuff I wanted thrown away including a kitchen table, two large chairs and a chest of drawers. I also went through my entire kitchen removing things I didn’t want and putting away things I did want. My refrigerator and stove hadn’t been working for years though I did have a refrigerator downstairs and used a hot plate and a large toaster oven upstairs, so I bought a new refrigerator and stove and the day the junk was removed from my house they delivered the appliances and the kitchen has been great to work and cook in ever since.  

The main areas that we live in are the kitchen, dining room and living room which are all open, no doors and now it is so very nice here and I am taking care of myself, them and my living space in a way that I was not able to when I had voices. I am so blessed. 

While I was in the psychotic state I became physically ill with two things, a persistent stomach ache and hot flashes. I think I have figured out why this has been. I had been smoking marijuana with high concentrations of THC which I had not been doing all the years that I smoked marijuana and I saw in the news that there was some kind of syndrome that people who smoked high concentrations of marijuana daily were developing  - stomach pain, nausea and vomiting. I did not have nausea thank goodness but I decided to stop smoking marijuana for at least a month and it has almost been a month and my stomach feels much better. I intend to try smoking it again at the THC level I was smoking all these years without problems next week. I will test it out and see. The voices said that marijuana was a lung protectant for people who smoke and I smoke a lot. I had a lung scan done last year and my lungs were fine after decades of smoking cigarettes and marijuana, so just in case it is true, I will smoke unless I develop symptoms again. 

The hot flashes I found out through online research have been because I stopped taking my anti-depressants suddenly after taking them consistently at 40 mg for 27 years, since the beginning of my psychosis. Luckily I had plenty of the medication and I have been back on it for about two weeks and the hot flashes seem to be lessening but it might take a little longer for my body to adjust.  

Anyway that’s my update for now. I plan to try to write a couple of times a week and maybe include an audio link to a site called SoundCloud where I might try talking for five to ten minutes per blog. I’m not sure yet.  

Stay well.  

Out Of Denial

In the last week or so most of the voices have gone and I have been waking up to the fact that I have been in a  psychotic state for the last two to three months, sometimes manic. The stories I've been told through these voices have been extreme and very disturbing but I have never gotten confirmation from anyone. This has been how it has been off and on for many years. But the theme of the prevalence of addiction I do believe and I do strongly believe that anyone suffering from any kind of addiction needs to reach out for help and change their lives into a spiritual path of recovery. I have met people who have done just that.

The blogs I've written since March mostly give good advice, some direction, something to work with. I do really believe that THC treatment is good for many illnesses including addiction and addiction recovery and I still recommend it, but you must decide for yourself. I do not believe trying would be harmful. Whether THC treatment is a lung protectant or whether additive free pipe tobacco combined with it is somehow even healthy I don't know. The answers about it were very vague. In my personal experience I have smoked marijuana and cigarettes for over thirty years. I had a lung scan done last spring and nothing showed up, but that's not much in the way of proof. 

I still believe that a vegan diet is the healthiest diet out there for many reasons and there is a lot to support this from some doctors. There are videos, books, cookbooks that all point to the diets quick healthy response to being on just a vegan diet for even a month. I tried it twice with incredibly positive results for my diabetes. What I didn't say about it and should have is that I was on a couple on diabetes medications while on the diet and I'm sure that contributed to my good results.

My suggestion of keeping an audiojournal I totally stand by. It has kept me grounded in reality and close to myself and my Higher Power for many years. It's the fastest way to cut through feelings of isolation and get in touch with one's feelings and stop all this hurtful repression. 

But the core of going into deeper recovery is really by going to meetings and bonding with the fellowship and hopefully starting new meetings either in your homes or at some rented space. 

I recognize now that what I was doing offering for people to live with me in recovery and even going so far as to considering buying a cheap house as a recovery place was really my own codependency addiction. One definition of codependency is doing for others what they can do for themselves. Of course, my intentions were good, but it was still sickness on my part.

I have not been taking my anti-psychotic drugs lately and it shocks now, after years of being faithful to taking my medications how easily I stepped away. I return to taking them tonight and I'm also going to try to take a couple of supplements that might put me in a stronger recovery from my mental illness.

About my orientation of the Higher Power as Mother and Father Great Spirit is just something that fits with me and I am going to keep that orientation. We all have to find our way towards a belief in a totally loving Higher Power, whatever that turns out to be. 

Whether there is rampant sexual addiction to children in this area or around the world I do not know, but if there's any chance of it's truth I am very glad that I posted about Sex Addicts Anonymous' separate group called Fellow Travelers who call themselves Minor Attracted Persons. They have at least one meeting a day and there's also a relatively new book out called A Map For Maps that can be bought on Amazon.

And so for me it is back to one day at a time and working on my recovery mainly from mental illness each day and night. Back to medications with the addition of testing out some supplements, continuing with a vegan diet. I have wanted to get healthy for over thirty years now. In some ways I have succeeded and learned and created many things.

So, as the slogan goes "Keep it Simple" The person I thought I was connected to since 1998 when I went into psychosis is no longer in my mind and most of the voices are gone. What I need to do is get my whole house in order, eat healthily, exercise, continue with my 12 Step study and Tibetan Buddhist study, make the repairs needed on the house, cultivate deeper friendships with a group of people I stay in touch with from town as well as a childhood friend living in New York City, return to my art practice with songwriting and learning instruments, visual arts and poetry. And to bring more joy and companionship into my home I am going to adopt some kittens, hopefully in two weeks after I have some young men who remove "junk" from my house probably next week.

I'm going to continue writing in this blog about whatever interests me and whatever might be of benefit to others. This has not been a psychotic break - no paranoia or attacking delusions. I have actually enjoyed some of the study and teaching, but I'm glad it's over and I can return to reality and a simple, healthier life.

People have been looking at these blogs according to my stats, so if any of this has been true, I wish you all health, happiness and recovery. Don't give up. Have faith in a loving Higher Power. Stay honest with yourself, a friend to yourself and honest with those you connect with in groups. Recovery is possible, but you have to work it. It is a daily/nightly spiritual practice that will bring you closer to recovery and joy.

Good Luck! And thank you for being patient with me as I went through my process.

 

Change Of Plans

A group of six young people would rather live with me and go through withdrawal from their addictions instead of me possibly buying a house. So instead of putting money into a house, I'm going to put some money into my house. I have a two story house and the downstairs is mostly a separate apartment. I will have to invest in an oven and a clothes dryer. By the end of next week I'm hoping to have a whole bunch of stuff removed and will clear out the garage and use it as a living space. I will get two bunk beds, one for downstairs and one for upstairs. For the most part the house is in good condition with heat, electricity, 2 bathrooms. I have plenty of THC treatment along with additive free pipe tobacco. Easy access to getting food from the Instacart app using Wegmans and getting it delivered here. I'm hoping we will get into cooking vegan recipes. 

If this happens and the young people contact me and move in and we have some success over the next couple of months, I will consider buying and installing a good storage house hopefully with access to electricity. This space could be used not only for storage, but as another meeting space for 12 Step groups. I would also like us to be creative and do craftwork and hopefully tie dyes and we could set up a space in the storage house to offer what we make for a donation once a week and see where that goes.

So this will be my work for the next couple of weeks and I am praying that the young people will contact me in that time, preferably coming to visit me and talk together and show them the house.   

I Saw The House Yesterday

I went to check out the house I'm interested in with the realtor. She gave some basic information, but had never been to the house before. The house looked pretty good inside and out, but there was some leaking from the roof, though the floor and wall damage was not very bad. The realtor said she thought I would need to put on a new roof. She also saw some damage to a corner of the foundation in the basement. The utilities were not on. I've asked the realtor to see if she can get them turned on so I can get someone I've used before to give the house a thorough check and then get back to me. 

If the utilities do come on and all the systems are in good shape, I believe I will purchase the house and put an efficient, but lower cost steel metal roof on it. I can afford that. 

And so, I will have to wait until next week when hopefully the house will be checked out.  

I See The Realtor Today

Hello Everyone, I hope you are moving towards recovery in your daily and nightly lives. Just the cell  phone alone is an immense recovery tool that most people carry with them. One: you have your voice memo app where you can keep a private audiojournal where you practice absolute honesty with yourself before your Higher Power. Honesty is the foundational spiritual practice that your recovery will be built and based on.  Two: you have apps of recordings of 12 Step meetings to listen to any time you have time. Three: You have the two "Inspiration" telephone lines from Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and can call everyday to listen. Four: You have access to the internet and can find phone meetings to go to for any 12 Step Anonymous group. Five: you can phone into a meeting and listen. Six: you can get phone numbers from people you respond to and identify with after the meeting. Seven: You can download the Audible App from Amazon and buy important audiobooks to listen like Sex Addicts Anonymous main text and stories, which I highly recommend, and a daily reader for Alcoholics Anonymous called 24 Hours A Day. So this is the starting place, you with yourself and your Higher Power and your cell phone working a little each day. That's what I wish and pray for you all.

In a few hours I am going to meet with a realtor and talk with her about whether the house could be lived in soon with a bit of work. She said there were some leaks in the roof that might be able to be patched up. I'm hoping the news will be good and she will take me to the house. I will take videos and photos. I will keep you updated.

Southern Tier Cannnibis, Inc, Where To Get Treatment Supplies Locally

 Southern Tier Cannabis, Inc

30 Main Street, Alfred New York

607-247-5021

stcannabisny@gmail.com

Monday through Saturday - 10 am to 8 pm except on Friday 10am to 10 pm

Alfred website

This is a really good supply store for your medications.  The quality is good and the prices are fair.  All the gummies are good and have 100 mg of THC which is the strongest I've seen but you must confirm at the store that the gummies are indica. For one person in withdrawal I would get 4 bags, 10 gummies each but you take only half, so that leaves you with 20 doses. You take it twice a day, 12 hours apart, unless you are in withdrawal, then you can take more. This should be a months supply. 

They also sell bud which they call flower. You can get an ounce of strong indica for $180. Right now they have Leal-Animal Face, 34.26% THC indica and Leal-Nic The Bruiser, 33.98 % THC indica, both good choices. 

They also sell hash, 1 gram which is also very helpful in withdrawal, again it must be indica.

You'll need a photo id with proof of age. You can pay cash or with a credit/debit card.

Good Luck!

Vegan Diets Are The Healthiest Diets; Animal Fat Is Poisonous To Our Bodies

I found out that I had diabetes about ten years ago. I believe I got it from taking Abilify, an antipsychotic medication. My insurance company even warned me of it after the fact. I went looking online for treatments that I could use at home. I found a book by Dr. Joel Fuhrman called Eat To Live. He asserted that switching to a vegan diet is the way to get out of diabetic range. I decided to commit to a totally vegan diet. My A1C was at 11 and within four and a half months I had lost 20 lbs without limiting what I ate or counting calories or exercising. My A1C went down to about 7. Because I wasn't eating any cholesterol my cholesterol numbers went down. Unfortunately I didn't stick with it to the point where my A1C went up to 15, which is dangerously high. And so I tried again with a vegan diet and again I lost 20 lbs and my A1C went down to 7 in five months.

With diabetes, animal fat stays within the cells blocking and clogging the receptors sites for the insulin to get into the cell. Without the animal fat, the insulin can feed the cell properly. Also, no cholesterol, which is the cause for so many health problems like heart disease, heart attacks and strokes. For addicts going into recovery, a vegan diet can give you much healthy support.

Try to watch a documentary called Plant Pure Nation. I have seen it on Amazon Prime, but you might be able to link to it through YouTube. I highly recommend buying their cookbook, also called Plant Pure Nation. You can get it on Amazon - book, $13.48 and on Kindle, $7.99 This is the cookbook I have been focusing on and many of the recipes are very good.

Buying a Recovery House? Looking for Help

For the most part, I am not a practicing addict. My core addiction was "love" addiction, which I have been in recovery from for many years. I have also been caught up in fantasy and codependency addiction. I am not an alcoholic, a heroin addict or a sex addict and I am not sexually attracted to children. This gives me a strong base to work from to help some people in my community, if they are willing.

My uncle died last Spring and I inherited some money to live on for the next few years. I also have enough to buy an inexpensive house in one of the towns around here to be an addiction recovery house for people mostly in their twenties who have left cultic compounds around here five to seven years ago. I have contacted a realtor and picked out a house. I should find out by Monday if it is mostly a livable house. If it is I believe I will buy it, but I really need a couple of young people to step forward to help me set up the house and be my contact for the house and what will be going on in it.

I have been depressed for several days. I am very isolated, especially since Eddie and Jeremy have been removed from my telepathic consciousness. I relied on them for companionship. Many people have been connected to me telepathically this last month and a half, but the last couple of days have been quiet. I have to do a lot of house cleaning upstairs. I have gotten the go ahead from the Higher Power through the Yijing to adopt two kittens and two puppies once the upstairs is clean and ready for them. This will be a joy for me.

 

Message For Ed

Eddie, I'm with you. You have known me for 27 years through a telepathic connection through these young beings. I have a lot of faith, but limited understanding, but I am going to keep writing here about all the things that have helped me in my recovery from love addiction and the things I've learned about other addictions, especially alcoholism, codependency addiction, sex addiction. May what I write help you and anyone who reads some of the latest blogs. I'll be in touch here. 

A Longer Version of The Serenity Prayer

God, please grant me Patience with the changes that take time

An Appreciation of all that I have

Tolerance for those with different struggles

And the Strength to get up and try again one day at a time

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Sex and Love Addicts Anoymous Inspiration Telephone Lines

 There are two phone lines for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous which I encourage all of you to listen to at least once a day or night. Sometimes Sex Addicts Anoymous also leave messages as long as they have one year of sobriety and have gone through the 12 Steps at least once and have a sponsor. Same for those from Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. They are not call back lines, so don't leave your name and number. The point is to connect with a 12 Step group related to healing from Sex and Love addiction. So you listen. If you want to say something to the person who recorded the message, even just to say thank you or anything you want, you can leave a message for that person up to 3 to 5 minutes. The person will listen and then delete your message. There is absolutely no requirement to say anything. Sometimes in the beginning it is better to just listen and reflect.

The Inspiration Line, is changed nearly every day. The number is 215-574-2120.

The Inspirational Story Line is changed once a week, I think sometime on Sunay evening. The number is 215-574-2121. The share can last from 10 minutes to 25 mintues depending on who left the message.