In the last week or so most of the voices have gone and I have been waking up to the fact that I have been in a psychotic state for the last two to three months, sometimes manic. The stories I've been told through these voices have been extreme and very disturbing but I have never gotten confirmation from anyone. This has been how it has been off and on for many years. But the theme of the prevalence of addiction I do believe and I do strongly believe that anyone suffering from any kind of addiction needs to reach out for help and change their lives into a spiritual path of recovery. I have met people who have done just that.
The blogs I've written since March mostly give good advice, some direction, something to work with. I do really believe that THC treatment is good for many illnesses including addiction and addiction recovery and I still recommend it, but you must decide for yourself. I do not believe trying would be harmful. Whether THC treatment is a lung protectant or whether additive free pipe tobacco combined with it is somehow even healthy I don't know. The answers about it were very vague. In my personal experience I have smoked marijuana and cigarettes for over thirty years. I had a lung scan done last spring and nothing showed up, but that's not much in the way of proof.
I still believe that a vegan diet is the healthiest diet out there for many reasons and there is a lot to support this from some doctors. There are videos, books, cookbooks that all point to the diets quick healthy response to being on just a vegan diet for even a month. I tried it twice with incredibly positive results for my diabetes. What I didn't say about it and should have is that I was on a couple on diabetes medications while on the diet and I'm sure that contributed to my good results.
My suggestion of keeping an audiojournal I totally stand by. It has kept me grounded in reality and close to myself and my Higher Power for many years. It's the fastest way to cut through feelings of isolation and get in touch with one's feelings and stop all this hurtful repression.
But the core of going into deeper recovery is really by going to meetings and bonding with the fellowship and hopefully starting new meetings either in your homes or at some rented space.
I recognize now that what I was doing offering for people to live with me in recovery and even going so far as to considering buying a cheap house as a recovery place was really my own codependency addiction. One definition of codependency is doing for others what they can do for themselves. Of course, my intentions were good, but it was still sickness on my part.
I have not been taking my anti-psychotic drugs lately and it shocks now, after years of being faithful to taking my medications how easily I stepped away. I return to taking them tonight and I'm also going to try to take a couple of supplements that might put me in a stronger recovery from my mental illness.
About my orientation of the Higher Power as Mother and Father Great Spirit is just something that fits with me and I am going to keep that orientation. We all have to find our way towards a belief in a totally loving Higher Power, whatever that turns out to be.
Whether there is rampant sexual addiction to children in this area or around the world I do not know, but if there's any chance of it's truth I am very glad that I posted about Sex Addicts Anonymous' separate group called Fellow Travelers who call themselves Minor Attracted Persons. They have at least one meeting a day and there's also a relatively new book out called A Map For Maps that can be bought on Amazon.
And so for me it is back to one day at a time and working on my recovery mainly from mental illness each day and night. Back to medications with the addition of testing out some supplements, continuing with a vegan diet. I have wanted to get healthy for over thirty years now. In some ways I have succeeded and learned and created many things.
So, as the slogan goes "Keep it Simple" The person I thought I was connected to since 1998 when I went into psychosis is no longer in my mind and most of the voices are gone. What I need to do is get my whole house in order, eat healthily, exercise, continue with my 12 Step study and Tibetan Buddhist study, make the repairs needed on the house, cultivate deeper friendships with a group of people I stay in touch with from town as well as a childhood friend living in New York City, return to my art practice with songwriting and learning instruments, visual arts and poetry. And to bring more joy and companionship into my home I am going to adopt some kittens, hopefully in two weeks after I have some young men who remove "junk" from my house probably next week.
I'm going to continue writing in this blog about whatever interests me and whatever might be of benefit to others. This has not been a psychotic break - no paranoia or attacking delusions. I have actually enjoyed some of the study and teaching, but I'm glad it's over and I can return to reality and a simple, healthier life.
People have been looking at these blogs according to my stats, so if any of this has been true, I wish you all health, happiness and recovery. Don't give up. Have faith in a loving Higher Power. Stay honest with yourself, a friend to yourself and honest with those you connect with in groups. Recovery is possible, but you have to work it. It is a daily/nightly spiritual practice that will bring you closer to recovery and joy.
Good Luck! And thank you for being patient with me as I went through my process.
