A Quiet Christmas Eve

Nothing festive this year.  No lights, no decorations, just a fake tree with nothing on it.  My parents are gone, my uncle lives in Chicago and my brother I will see tomorrow for a not very Christmasy meal of Chinese food at a Chinese restaurant in a nearby town.  We will probably exchange presents at my brother's house and then I will head home for another quiet night.  Tonight I will wrap presents for my brother and make up a batch of chocolate chip cookies.  The days of childhood and youth are long gone when Christmas had a special meaning, not anything religious, but just a time to come together as a family and eat a good home made meal.

I feel very different from my former selves.  One of the main changes in the last few years is that now I really do live in the present moment and there's a lot of peace in that kind of living.  My life is mostly solitary and yet I like my company.  I live simply without a lot of stress.  Depression and discontent do come but they are not the foundations of my life.  If anything they help to point out what I need to work on.  I used to rely on fantasy in my imagination and through films, books and music.  No more.  I still watch films, but more often than not it will be a documentary.  I still read books, but more often than not it will be nonfiction.  I still listen to music, but now it is so I can stretch and do some dance moves.  And then there are the songs that I create and sing for myself.  They are an emotional outlet for me.

My friend Sam said to me a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned that I had been working on some songs that what I needed was a band.  At first I dismissed the idea, but then it returned to me and I began thinking about it.  I asked the I Ching a few questions about it and the response was that it was a very good idea, but that I wasn't ready yet and had to prepare and practice first and just think about it.  So I've been thinking about it the last couple of days.  I live in a college town, so there are musicians around here.  Reaching out to any of them would be a big deal for me.  I really believe in the last 25 years that I have written some good songs and that my voice, with some practice, could be good enough if I had the courage to sing in front of people.  That's a big if for a reclusive person.

I most definitely am a singer/songwriter, but I am not much of a musician and that's why, if I chose to  embrace performing, I would need a band.  To be around a guitarist would be such a blessing to me.  I have spent very little time around any skilled musician, which is probably why I don't play well.  I think dedicated musicians are brilliant and inspiring.  In choosing to remain isolated I have cut myself off from experiencing and learning from musicians.  I have cut myself off from so much.  And I think I'm afraid of the intimacy of working with others and yet I also think that is just what I need.  I feel very humble but I can't let that form into insecurity, the kind of insecurity that would block me from reaching out.  I have to realize that I do have something to offer musicians both in my songs and in my voice and in myself.

So I'm working on committing to practicing my songs.  I realized quickly that I needed two things - a small tascam digital recorder to record my new song ideas and a much better amplifier.  I already have a digital recorder that I use as my audio journal but the sound quality is not good enough.  The reason I need the tascam recorder is that I make up my lyrics while playing chords on the guitar, but often I don't record my ideas on my portastudio and then I will sometimes take the lyrics and put different chords to them in effect making a different song.  So I lose a lot in the process because I forget what I came up with in the first place.  As for the amplifier, the one I have is just a $50 amp and it puts out poor sound quality, plus I have a cheap dynamic microphone and that just makes it worse.

I've ordered a $299 Fender amplifier, neither super cheap nor very expensive, good enough for my music room or maybe a coffee house (if I get that far).  I need to hear myself and I think this amp will do the trick for me and help me to train my voice better.  Sometimes I get loud, but then I'm plugged into my portastudio with the headphones on and that's a very different experience, maybe a little too safe and insular.  I need to not be afraid to get loud and I also need to learn about the dynamics of singing through a microphone and amplifier.

I've got the whole Winter to work on this and I'm grateful for this project.  It comes at a good time for me because I've been wandering aimlessly since I came out of the Jesus delusion.  Will I have the courage to go looking for local musicians in the Spring?  I just don't know yet.  But strengthening my skills is not a waste of time.  I knew years ago in my 30s that I felt a deep connection to singing and songwriting.  Back then I performed for myself and it felt strong and right, even though I was still sick from having been in an abusive/love addicted relationship.  When I went into acute psychosis I lost the ability to sing and write songs and that was hard, but I didn't give up.  I returned to singing and songwriting about ten years ago.

I've only got as far as posting some of my songs on the internet, but never have I worked with others as a songwriter/singer.  I have a strong feeling that I will have to collaborate if I do find a few musicians willing to work with me.  I don't know about song structure, about adding instruments, about basic recording techniques, about setting up mics or about performing.  I don't know a lot.  And except for a couple of times with my ex boyfriend, I have not sung with others and know little about harmonizing.  But maybe I'll be lucky enough to connect with someone who not only plays, but sings.  That would be truly great.

Working with others, that's still a tough thing for me.  I know me and I know that I would be very open about my life and my life experiences with those I might work with.  I am 54 years old and I still suffer from mental illness, but I do have some talent and I have been stable for a couple of years now.  And once committed to a group I believe I have the capacity to work hard and give it a chance. So 2017 is just around the corner.  Maybe this year I will connect with others who share my interest in making music.

Assessing My Creative Work

I've had a change in my sleeping and eating patterns for the last two weeks.  I've been sleeping several hours during the day, maybe because it has been quite hot and I use only fans.  So I've been staying up till around three in the morning.  And then, I stopped cooking and have been relying on Amy's frozen meals which are vegan and vegetarian, but I've lost some appetite.  As a result I have been losing weight more quickly, which is good, but I'm concerned about myself.  My strong tendency is still to stay home and see very few people outside of my home.  I do go in and out of depression, but that seems like something I just have to accept like many other people.  And yet, I have been quite creative, writing blogs, poems, a few songs and drawing.

My emphasis in quite a few of my blogs these last two years has been away from the study of Buddhism and towards the study of addiction and addiction recovery, especially the Twelve Steps.  The big shift seems to be me coming forward as a serious believer in some kind of Higher Power.  I wonder if this is off putting to whomever reads this blog.  Truth is, it puts me off somewhat too when I re-read some of my blogs.  I really do want to be all inclusive.  I grew up around atheists and agnostics and a chunk of the people I know in my town are just that.  Their points of view are just as valid as mine and they have a great deal to offer.  I believe, but I do not know.  We each have to find our way through life following whatever feels true to us.  So my advice to you is to think for yourself, take what works for you and forget the rest.  My advice to myself is to be a bit less impulsive and more open minded.

I also feel uncomfortable with the poems I write.  They come to me very quickly and I do not rewrite, which is true of my blog too.  I think that I write boldly about difficult subjects and, though my intentions are good, I wonder if it's okay to share them.  Probably I am being too hard on myself.  I am just a small voice amongst many voices.  It does feel good to write the poems and to record myself speaking them aloud.  The main thing is that I get something out of it - a clearer understanding.  I think it was Joan Didion who wrote that she writes to find out what she's thinking.  It is like that for me in the act of reaching out to express how I feel about any given subject.

Songs have been coming out of me at a slower pace this year.  I've recorded only a few and haven't uploaded any to the SoundCloud site.  I gave CDs of my music to around four people, but there's been no great response to them.  I continue to pursue it because it provides me with an emotional outlet that I really need.  It's a valued artifact of the changes and stages of my life as well as a way to feel my feelings.  It's too bad that I have no experience with performing and know only a few chords on the guitar which I tend to play haphazardly.  I have thought of taking guitar lessons.  It's funny how scared I am to even try.  So many simple things that a lot of people take for granted I have trouble approaching and doing.

And then there's drawing and painting which you can see I've been doing a lot lately.  I know I have talent that goes in different directions.  I have a versatility of approach and can work with different mediums.  I've gotten some good responses to my portraits on Facebook and again I'm thinking of making more of a commitment to doing them.  One online friend said that he thought I could earn some income doing portraits.  That would be ideal.  I tentatively tried doing that seven years ago, but failed to promote myself.  Once again, I had good ideas, but didn't follow through with them.  But I do need to make some money and I would love to do it through my talent and hard work.  And so I've been thinking the last couple of nights that I need an artist website of my own where I can offer to do portraits either for payment or for a donation.  I think I am also going to put a donation's button on this blog and again offer to do portraits.  All I need are a few good photographs.

Right now I don't have the confidence.  I'm going to have to do the work to get it.  And I'm going to have to cross that line into self promotion.  I'm not sure why I feel it is wrong to promote myself and my art work.  Lots of good and talented people do just that.  Why can't I be one of them?  I am blessed that I have the time, the money and few responsibilities.  How many people have families and  full time work who want to earn money through their various talents?  Portrait drawing and painting could be the focus that I need to actually become a practicing artist.  I tend to go in all different directions, skimming the surface of many projects.  That's not going to work well if I want to earn income.  I wonder if I'm afraid to succeed.

Post Thanksgiving Reflections

Thanksgiving went really well this year.  My brother gave it a B+.  We did our Thanksgiving shopping about a week ago, then I cleaned and organized the house and then at 7:30 am on Thanksgiving day I drove to my brother's house, just a couple of miles away, and picked him up.  Neither of us had gotten much sleep and yet we did get the work done.  So Rob put the turkey in the oven soon after he got to my house.  Our guests arrived soon after 3pm and they were my new, good friend Sam and her older sister and her sister's husband and one other friend.  My brother made sure to buy a big turkey, 28 pounds, so that everyone could take home leftovers.  Everyone was having such a great time that they stayed till after 11pm.  I was particularly happy to finally get to meet Sam's sister Anne.

Sam and her sister are very close and always have been.  Anne is four years older than Sam and before Sam was born Anne, at a mere three years of age, petitioned her mother to give her a little sister.  Luckily for Anne (and Sam) that's just what happened.  Even at such a young age, Anne's maternal instincts were strong and she became a second mother to Sam.  Sam was very bright as a little kid and she was always ahead of the rest of her class by a few years because Anne would teach her what she had learned in school.  And then they both had three older brothers that I'm sure they learned things from.  They lived in a big, old yellow house with a wrap around porch in town.  Their father was a professor at the university here and their mother had her hands full raising five children.

During dinner Anne sat down next to me and we began to talk.  There was something gentle, sweet yet also strong and very honest about her.  She had lovely large eyes and long, gray hair and she wore a pair of earrings that she had made out of colored clay.  The only rather minor problem for me was that she spoke softly and amidst the noise of the others talking and the background music, I lost some of what she was saying to me.  But not all, in fact mostly I understood her.  We talked for quite a while with me trying to be extra attentive and responsive to the things she was saying.  She told me some things in confidence about herself and I felt warmed by her quick trust in me.  I was under the mistaken impression that Anne would look and act like an older version of Sam, but this was not the case.  Anne was more feminine than Sam and it was obvious that Anne believed that Sam was smarter than herself and that might be true and yet Anne showed fortitude, caring and competence in getting her nursing degree and working as a nurse before she retired.  Now she is a serious craftsman and has her own studio space to work in.  She also has a devoted husband, who is a gentle person, too.

Amongst the five of us, except Anne's husband who was abstaining from alcohol, we drank four bottles of red wine.  The dinner, prepared carefully by my brother, was excellent and we had a great time.  Considering that I had gotten only a couple of hours of sleep the night before, I was in excellent shape. Pretty much all of my delusional thinking of the previous days evaporated when I set out to accomplish something and interact with others.  Though I did start cleaning only the night before, I found that my house was not in such bad shape and I could do the work without stressing out about it.  This is a positive change for me.  I still struggle with getting the cleaning done, but no where near as much as before.  I think that's because Sam visits with me for a few hours every week or so and this motivates me to clean and organize.  Really on many levels having Sam in my life has been a godsend that has finally broken through the isolation that I imposed upon myself for a long time, even after I had been in recovery for years.

Another positive change for me this year was that I was able to be social.  Last year for Thanksgiving we had only one guest, so that it was very mellow, but the year before I freaked out and stayed downstairs away from the party all afternoon missing out on dinner with everyone.  This year was different perhaps in a large part due to the presence of women in the group.  The other years it was just men and because I had been in an abusive relationship with a man years before, I still felt self-conscious and intimidated when left on my own.  This year I had emotional backup because Anne and Sam paid attention to me and we very naturally supported each other.  But it was more than that, it was something inside of me; I felt some confidence that within this small group of people I would be accepted.  I didn't feel weird and out of place.  That was particularly gratifying to feel in my own house acting as hostess.

And yet less than a week earlier I was getting pulled into delusional reveries about my supposed connection to some totally unapproachable famous man.  I think the reason I have come mostly out of those delusional thoughts is because I've been working on my psyche to do just that -- let go and redirect myself.  My obligation to host the Thanksgiving dinner gave me a ready opportunity to take my thoughts from the unreal and unknown to the real and known, to the here and now.  Plus, I actually care about a wider circle of people now and I wanted to make this a nice holiday for the few of them that came last Thursday.  I know my brother and I succeeded in that.  He worked on the dinner and I worked on my house and my mind.

I don't know if my mental sobriety will last, but I have learned that keeping various projects going helped me to stay focused on my small life.  Before Thanksgiving I was still creating songs, working on  reading my journals and collecting quotes to make into a book, and taking at least a day a week to focus on writing blog entries.  Last week I set up my portastudio in one of my back rooms which is something I have been wanting to do for at least a month.  Yesterday evening I ordered three real inexpensive instruments, a djembe drum, a mandolin and a ukelele.  I already have an electric and an acoustic guitar and Sam's acoustic guitar and her bass guitar.  I love the idea of collecting instruments and learning new ones.  I'm a bit stuck with my guitar.  I tend to go around in circles that I have trouble breaking out of.  I'm hoping that a new infusion of instruments that I have never touched, let alone tried to play, will spark my curiosity and get me to fool around and practice and really learn.  So I've decided that this winter I'm going to work on creating/practicing/recording songs from the last six years to make into another CD of my more recent work.  That's another thing I've been wanting to do for a long, long time.

I've had my journal book idea for many years, but was never quite strong enough to read my journals for an extended period of time and actually select entries based on certain themes.  Now I've decided that I want one of the themes to be my desire to follow a spiritual path which began around the time I went to the Al-Anon support groups just about 20 years ago.  This is a theme that definitely pops up in most, if not all, of my existing journals.  Just possibly, I can create a collection of excerpts around this theme dividing them up into sections following the stages of my adult life and prefacing each section with an informative and reflective essay.  I have a curious feeling that I might be able to do this.  I've already got most of the material.  It's a matter of selecting and editing it down and organizing it, living with it for a while in its nakedness, dividing it up and writing up responses to each section.  So that is another serious project I want to work on this winter into spring.

This blog, of course, is important to me.  My music and my journal book are for now my private space where I can work, but this blog is for public viewing and public sharing.  It's an open journal of my process and progress over time.  It's where I keep in touch with my Buddhist practice and reflect upon what I've been learning.  It's where I can write about my mental illnesses and others mental illness discovering strategies along the way for how to cultivate more mental health in all of our lives.  It's a place where I can test out my commitment to being an honest and giving person.  I guess I'm hoping to set a good example here for maybe a few to follow, that it is a good thing to share your story in an open, honest way.  Some people, maybe many people, feel that openness is good with close friends and family or support groups, but that otherwise it is best not to admit to too much.  I've found, at least on this blog, that I need to share my perspective.  It's my way of contributing to the world around me.  It's all the more important to come across as thoughtful and articulate because I live with mental illness and I think communication is the main way to fight stigmatization.  I think stigma has more to do with ignorance than with a deep seated ill will towards the mentally ill and ignorance can be dispelled online in blogs, on message boards, at home, in school and even, for some, in the work place.  It all depends.  But the more of us can come out of our hiding places, even in small ways, well, that's the way to start to change the world view on what exactly it means to have a mental illness.

Song: "The Insane"

The last few days I've been working on a song I've only just named "The Insane".  This song started out as another song and has gradually morphed into this one.  I wanted to write about psychosis.  That's what many of my unrecorded recent songs are about.  Reading the lyrics straight without the music can be problematical.  Songs are poetic, but not necessarily poetry.  The lyrics' success lies with the musical treatment of it, in the rhythm of the guitar and the voice and with the subtle tonal shifts, especially of the voice.  I can emphasize one word or a group of words all at once.  When I get into it, it can be a visceral experience.  Unfortunately because this song has been changing over time, I'm not ready to record it.  That might be an excuse.  I think I'm afraid to record it in case it doesn't come out, which is dumb.  How can I improve it unless I hear it?  I have a beautiful portable studio machine that I don't use.  I spend a lot of time just tinkering with the basic structure of the songs I write.  I just sit down with my electric guitar and my amplifier and fool around.  I've been noticing that I have been avoiding setting up the portastudio. Is it just that I'm afraid to sound like shit?  It's a dream of mine to make another CD with the songs I've been working on for the last five years, but first I've got to get over myself.  So here are the lyrics of "The Insane".

***********************************
The Insane


The pleasure and pain of the insane,
We walk on the line all of the time
Falling from side to side,
It's not like we haven't tried
To keep the balance in our heads,
To keep the sea from turning red
(Bloody red.)

Sometimes we look real normal,
Sometimes we don't.
Sometimes we're talking to thin air,
Sometimes we won't.

Meditation,
And take your medication.
Find a therapist
Who will make you care a bit
About you.

You've got to care about yourself now,
You've got to care about you.
If you don't care about yourself now
How are you gonna break on through
To the other side,
Where sanity is many miles wide
And you don't have to hide anymore.

**************************************

That's it.  I play around with the rhyme scheme.  As you can see it shifts a lot.  There are internal rhymes or rhymes that occur within one line and then alternating rhymes that occur at the end of a line.

I have a book of Joni Mitchell's lyrics and I was looking at a few songs last night.  She plays a lot with straight rhymes and unusual rhymes.  She's extremely skillful and talented.  Her rhymes are supremely intentional.  My rhymes often are accidental.  So it's long past due that I get more formal in my study of how to make a song.  I almost entirely create my lyrics while playing simple guitar, but I've been thinking lately that I should have a song workbook that I keep with me in the living room apart from my guitar.  I need to see what it's like to write first and then apply what I've written to music.

About the lyrics themselves, I'm hoping that they speak for themselves.  I did take the phrase from The Doors - "break on through to the other side". If you don't understand them, feel free to say so.  And thanks again Karen and my dear old friend for leaving comments.  I'm trying to make it a habit to print up my blog entries with the comments included so that I have a handy copy and can refer to it several times over the course of a week.

Spring Cleaning (And Other Stuff)

No, I haven't done it yet, but I'm setting up to do it this week-end. Saying it aloud and to several people online will help me to commit to doing it. I almost wish I could say that my inability to clean is just plain laziness, but I know it is more. People with schizophrenia are known for not being particularly clean. I've gotten a bit better in terms of changing my clothes and brushing my teeth and changing the kitty litter boxes and such, but still I struggle with all the rest of it. The fact that very few people come over to my house just allows me to wallow in a state of disarray and mess. I love books, but I have too many of them and not enough book cases. I just have too much stuff and it's time to get rid of some things and make room. I used to have the ability to organize, now I shove things here and there and don't pay enough attention. All of this makes me acutely uncomfortable at times and depressed. I have to change myself and I have to start now.

The work on the downstairs of my house is basically finished and I was proud of myself for dragging my drawing table down the stairs and setting it up in the corner of one of the rooms. I also brought down other art related stuff, but there's more to do. It is a start in the right direction. My friend Richard, who has done almost all the work downstairs, is now busy constructing a play area in the outdoor cat pen. When he does something he goes all out. He's brought tree branches and trunks and even pieces of a telephone pole. Once he's done, which should be soon, I have to get up the nerve to let the cats out. I know that sounds silly, but I worry about them getting out or freaking out. I'll probably start letting just a couple out at a time and see what they do. It should be great really and not something to get anxious over, but I get anxious over a lot of small, dumb things. I've even been putting off opening the windows because I'm afraid of the wasps and bees that somehow manage to get inside the house despite having screens. Last summer one of my kittens made a habit of putting the wasp in his mouth, so, of course, he got stung. His lip swelled up, but only for a short time, so I was relieved. I guess they have to live and learn just as much as I do. Anyway, an hour ago I opened up some windows and already that's making a difference in the house.

I've also set up in the downstairs bedroom my recording equipment, my microphone and my electric guitar. I've been practicing playing and singing a bunch of new songs and also older songs (within the last couple of years) that I've re-worked. On the whole, my voice has potential if I keep practicing, so that's lifted my spirit. My songs are very basic because I am very limited in what I can do, but in some ways that gives me a simplified structure to work with. I'm amazed at how simple songwriting can be if you let it. The test will be when I record a few songs and put them on a CD and also upload them to my Soundclick page so that other people can hear them. Before I got ill, except for the first few months when I was still working on songs, I would take one song and practice it over and over until I was finally ready to record it. That's what I have to work my way up to doing. So I've been touching base with it a couple of times a day which is a good start for now. I don't really expect my songs to go very far, but that's okay. I think I've come to terms with that. The main thing is that it makes me feel spiritually connected to something larger than myself. And if a few people wind up enjoying a few of the songs, that's good enough. It's a little lonely working on my own, but I still need to do it.

No word from the former friend/lover that I sent my CD and a letter to. I also gave him this blog address and my Artid site address, so who knows, he might be stopping by from time to time without my knowing it. I'm a little saddened that he has probably decided not to respond to me, but I can understand it too. I laid a bunch of stuff on him all of a sudden and it may not have been appropriate. Still, it would have been great to know him online and just keep in touch. He's a singer/performer and perhaps a songwriter too. I did ask the I Ching about him. It seems he's not only dedicated to music and to his circle/family of friends, but he has a lot of integrity. I asked what his heart's desire was and I got the hexagram for Inner Truth. I thought that was great. But when I asked if he had decided not to contact me, I got hexagram 18 which is called Corruption with no moving lines. When there are no moving lines, it makes the response emphatic. I wasn't sure how to interpret it, but, as the name implies, it's not so good. It's also called Work On What Has Been Spoiled. From the interpretations I've read it might have something to do with neglect or personal fault, but there's also a lot of hopeful room for improvement. It's not as if it's some negative cosmic force that's put one in a bad situation and so you can do something about it if you choose. But really when it comes to this man and his situation, I can only have a little glimpse into his world. Ultimately I don't know and won't know unless he chooses to tell me. I told him to do what was best for him and I meant that. And so I retreat and let it go. But I am including him and his family in some of the prayers that I send out. I wish him well.

On the other hand, I have been getting in touch with some people I used to know through facebook and that has been very good so far, but, again, I'm not placing my hopes on it. I will just stay responsive and see what happens. If deeper connections can be made, that would be wonderful and if not, I will be okay. I'm just proud of myself for either reaching out or being receptive to others reaching out to me. There's one old friend that I'm particularly glad to be in touch with again. She's been sharing some of her memories with me. Her birthday is this coming Tuesday, so today I sent her a card and a small gift.

Red Wheel Joy Ride

I had a successful day painting today mainly because I got some new 24"x30" canvas boards to paint on. This is my fourth acrylic, abstract, expressionist painting. I plan to do eight more so that I can use the images to make up a calendar on the Zazzle site.

After I've finished a painting, I sit and just stare at it, looking for identifiable images within the painting. In this painting I found a blue figure (blue head and torso) with outspread arms riding on a mountain bike or motorcycle with a red wheel in the countryside, hence the title to this blog entry. Don't worry if you don't see it because it's not that obvious and you may see other images within this painting if you look at it closely. But I do find that my more successful abstract paintings have images or scenes within them.

So far in this series I'm sticking with starting a painting with Mars black acrylic paint to get a base design/drawing down. Once I get past the initial stage of facing down the white canvas with the black paint and spreading the design across the entire canvas, paying attention to the corners, then I begin laying down bold colors, filling in or covering over the black marks. Much of the process is intuitive. I choose colors quickly when I paint and then step back and study the color relationships using my imagination to fill in a new color in a new position to test out what I will paint next.

I like working on the canvas boards, though I find myself wishing that I could afford to frame them, so that I could hang them on the walls. Right now I live with about two of them at a time, one on my easel and one propped up on a chair. I'm not sure why, but I am fond of three out of the four abstract acrylic paintings. There's courage in the choice of colors and a commitment to the painting process that I find refreshing. I let myself be impulsive and trust that my instincts will guide me. I look at the whole canvas and don't get hung up on one part, don't get overly precious. In fact, I find it a sign that the painting is going well when I can take one color and go over broad areas, covering up marks that I was becoming too attached to. I have to push myself a little to do that, take the chance of going in a weaker direction. I learned this technique from a painting teacher, Mary Beth McKenzie. She would come to each student's canvas individually, take her paint brush, dab it in black or dark blue and proceed to correct the proportions of a portrait with decisive strokes and life would spring into the image. Some people would get disturbed by her approach, but I looked forward to it. Courage, repetition, decisiveness and close study of color. She was the best teacher I ever had.

A couple of days ago I picked up a few more quarts of colored enamel house paint, now I have enough to paint on the floor on primed, but unstretched canvas. I did this about four years ago in art school. I was inspired by both Jackson Pollack and Joan MItchell (though I believe Mitchell painted on large sheets of primed canvas tacked to the wall). It's been a while, but it's a whole different feel to paint flat on the floor with large paint brushes. There's such a feeling of energy in it.

I also began working on a new song today. I even added harmony to the two stanzas I came up with and recorded it on my portastudio, which I haven't done in a long time. I am cautiously returning to songwriting and singing, a little bit here, a little bit there. So far, the voices have not been attacking me for it and I'm able to sing with some feeling. That's a relief.

A Voice In The Wind

I got some good responses to my cd, but have put it aside for now and have been working on new songs. I definitely paid attention when some of the psychotic symptoms returned--I took a break from the music and painted, I raised my Abilify by a quarter tablet for a few days and I monitored myself by talking into my tape recorder. Last week I saw my therapist and told her about the increase of symptoms. She said if the symptoms persisted that I should consider not being musical, but, at this point, I just can't do that. I love painting and will continue to paint, but now that I've rediscovered songwriting and singing and have the proper equipment to record myself, I'm not willing to let go of it without a fight. I will continue to be dedicated to taking care of myself, detaching from the music when I need to, but not completely. I will leave the door open. I respect the fact that I suffer from a serious mental illness and must adjust myself at times, but I won't allow the illness to dictate what I can and can't do creatively.

Singing and songwriting is not really easy for me. There is some stress involved. Every time I sit down in front of the microphone and pick up my guitar I face my own limitations. I can just barely play my guitar, enough to compose very simplistic songs and singing is always a bit of a challenge. Really it takes courage to sing out and record it. Some days I can sing and other days I can't. And writing is a mysterious process to me. I write intuitively and blindly. Lately I've been writing a lot, but I go from one song bit to another. I'm learning again about the creative process and how I have to let go of self criticism when I'm working on a song. That's hard to do when I'm lost and sounding like crap, but it is essential. That's the thing about being an artist, you have to take the bad with the good and not give up. When I was into film photography, I used to be very happy if I got one good shot from a roll of 36 and it's the same thing with doing sketches, one good sketch out of 20 or so.

I guess it's called art practice. The real thing you're celebrating is the process of being creative and aware at the same time. I see all creative work as a kind of personal journal. Writing, drawing, making songs is the process of creating artifacts that define a particular time and place for the creator. It makes me think of the power I felt as a child finger painting. And it makes me think of actual archeological artifacts like a hand print on an ancient wall. The act says: I was here and I did this and this means something. The tricky thing about the act of writing is that words have the power to influence people. For most of us, once it's said, it can't be taken back. I think about this now when I write songs, especially when I write songs about mental illness or against war. I am just another voice in the wind, but like so many, I want to be heard and I want to influence listeners to consider my point of view through my emotional standpoint. And so I have to carefully consider what it is exactly that I am trying to say and can I stand behind it.

I had attitude in some of my older songs, but I made the songs without much forethought. I guess that was because the songs stopped with me, stayed in my music room and didn't migrate out into a corner of the world. This experience of sharing my music has taught me that I have a responsibility to stand by the songs in all their imperfection, just as a parent stands by his or her child. I realize that while my words remain the same, I am changing and that who I was ten or fifteen years ago is not who I am now, but still the words I chose and the songs I made will always be a part of my experience.

Now, I want to make songs more carefully. The first step, which I've begun to take, is to just generate material. The next step is to go over what I've created spontaneously and rework it, craft it into something more than just a therapeutic release. I don't know if I can do this yet, but I very much want to try.

I think part of the reason why I began having symptoms again had little to do with handing out my cd, but had to do with me not adhering to my diet and exercise plan. I still have been sticking to eating around 1500 calories a day and writing it down in a notebook, but I stopped going to the Anne Collins site and I stopped exercising. So a couple of days ago I started exercising again and my mood has been good and my symptoms have been minimal. I have to remember that this is a lifestyle change and when I stray from it, gently redirect myself back to it. So far, I've lost 11 pounds in two months. The main thing is to keep at it, really, for the rest of my life, not in order to lose weight, though I will lose this weight, but to be as healthy and as happy as I can.

This recent dip into psychotic symptoms has been an instructional challenge. I come up against my limits, but I don't let my limits defeat me. I work with them. As an artist who suffers from schizophrenia I have more challenges to face than artists who have no such handicap, but the way I see it, if I persevere, I can weave an even richer tapestry. And really, it's the same deal for all of us, the human condition is and always will be a challenge to surmount obstacles.

A Caution To Be Tolerant

I've given my cd to my brother, my therapist and four friends so far. No feedback yet. I've been listening to the cd a lot and consulting the I Ching about people's response to it, which will be mixed. I just want to say to those who listen to it, try to be tolerant. I am far from perfect and some of the songs might offend you. Try and look to the songs that you like and leave the rest. I know I need to keep in mind that I can't please everyone. Some people will respond positively to what I've done and others will be critical, that's just the nature of life. But, of course, I'm hoping someone will get something from it and that my circle of friends will widen and deepen. I've been isolated for so long and I need the support of those who are comfortable enough to give it. For those who are not comfortable with the cd, just ignore it, let it go and move on. Or give me some constructive criticism, that would be welcome.

I'm not trying to make excuses for the music; it is what it is. It covers a certain time in my life--age 33 to 36. I had just escaped a very abusive relationship and I was full of sickness and attitude along with some righteous indignation. I became attracted to three different men, one after another--one who was single and I could have approached, but I wasn't ready to get involved. The next was a painting teacher of mine who was married. I imagined that he was attracted to me, but he probably wasn't and I didn't approach him either. Both of these attractions I now consider pre-psychotic ones, that is there were elements of sickness in them. The final man that I was attracted to was not really someone in my life, but a delusion and that was when I was just falling into psychosis. He was a rock star that I sent a tape to just before I became paranoid and delusional. He, too, was married at the time, but I thought he was in an abusive relationship with his wife. I thought he was following me and spying on me because he was attracted to me. That seems to be another theme, that I thought some men were attracted to me, when they obviously weren't. But regardless of that, I made up some heartfelt songs about all three of the men I became fixated on.

So there's a combination of romance and music and mental illness in all this. I don't have a clear perspective on it because I'm too close to it, but maybe those who listen to the cd will be able to see this more with more vision. But it's not just mental illness, there's also health and strength mixed in. There's something to be said for those who can take some attitude and walk with it. I think a lot of the best songwriters out there do just that, both talk the talk and walk the walk. By choosing to make songs, I was attempting to walk the walk. Sometimes I succeeded and other times I didn't, but I had the courage (and hopefully still have the courage) to take a stand within myself and now before you. Remember I was seriously abused in a romantic relationship and that colored my attitude, but it also gave me the right to have a voice and to speak out, if only to myself in my music room.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I am human, just like you. I've made my share of mistakes and I live with that. But I still hope that the music can make a bridge to somewhere good. Try to stay open minded.

A Meeting, The First Break In The Ice

Almost a week of silence here. I'm sorry everyone. I've just been feeling withdrawn, so I've been sleeping a lot.

I did go and visit with my brother's friend Jude. I had lent her some tapes of me singing my songs and went to pick them up. I had heard a few days earlier from my brother that she had been "impressed" with some of my songs. I was happy that she liked them, but I was nervous about going to visit with her. The tapes were from over ten years ago and I hadn't listened to them in a while, so I wasn't exactly sure what she had been listening to. So I listened to a couple of songs on my 8 track to get a feel for it. I realized that I was a different person a decade ago, just entering into psychosis and that Jude might be responding to my former self rather than to my present self.

And I wondered if I was a better person now or then. Then I had left my abusive partner and started writing songs as a form of therapy. Then I had thought that I was getting a second chance at being happy. I took classes and went back to school but I made some of my best music just as I was becoming psychotic. Despite the illness that was growing in me, I appeared strong and confident. The recordings don't sound crazy. But I was headed for a fall and when the fall came I couldn't play anymore. I was too wounded.

That wounded state has lasted till now, though I am many times better than I was ten years ago. And it was that wounded self that knocked on Jude's door and then sat down at her dining room table with a cup of coffee. Jude told me how much she enjoyed my music, especially one tape in particular, the tape I had sent to the rock star 10 and 1/2 years ago. I asked if I could hear her music because Jude has done some of her own songwriting. She gave me a tape to take home and listen to because she didn't want to play it for me. She said my music was rock and roll whereas her music was folk and blues and she then sort of put her music down which I didn't like. We continued to talk with awkward moments interspersed here and there.

I was open with her about my mental illness because I wanted to be and she shared some of her personal experience with suicidal depression, how taking Prozac changed her life for the better. I told her that I had responded well to the medications also. I briefly mentioned how I wanted to start a mental health support group, but was too shy to approach the minister who might be able to help me to do it. She thought it was a good idea and said she bet a lot of people would show up. It felt good just to talk to her about it.

When I got home I listened to the tape she had given me. The music was good, much more carefully constructed than my songs and a lot sweeter too. I've listened to her tape about five or six times because I want to give her some good feedback. Her music is also from a while ago and in the interim her voice has changed and gotten deeper, so she doesn't sing as much as she used to. I could identify with that also. The difference is that Jude has learned to be technically savvy and she has gone so far as to perform which I have never done.

After I listened to Jude's music, I then listened to mine. I wished that we had talked more deeply about our music, but this was the first time I had visited her and she would be leaving for Florida for the winter in a few days. She did give me her email address, so I will keep in touch with her, but I am already looking forward to her return in the spring. She said when she got back that we could get drunk together and sing and play to break the ice.

Meanwhile, I'm here with my acoustic and electric guitars that I can barely play and a voice that needs a lot of singing practice. I have been writing bits and pieces of songs, but I don't know if I can ever get the strength back to sing and play the way I used to. I can only set my mind to practice this winter and see what happens. I told Jude that there was some crossover between music and psychosis for me which is why I can't just jump into it. I have to be cautious and pay attention to any warning signs. Sometimes I can sing okay, but other times it's a fight to sing because the voices interfere. I just can't seem to let go of this dream of being a singer/songwriter, but I have to adjust to the fact that I have changed.

A Song And Journal Excerpts

As of Friday late morning I have high speed internet access and can download or upload much more quickly. I still can’t play video or in some cases audio and I don’t know why. My brother comes over tomorrow, maybe he can figure it out for me. I’ve said it before, but one of the drawbacks of self isolation is not having friends who can explain computer stuff to me. Otherwise, the man who set me up was very nice and it took less than a half and hour to do. I was so surprised and pleased. I had been expecting it to take hours.

I signed up with a podcasting host called Podbean for $5 a month. Now I have to figure out how to actually take an audio file, upload it to their site and send it out to both the blog and iTunes (I think?). Podbean seems very user friendly but I’m fairly clueless. Oh, I’ll learn; I’m determined to learn. I ordered a book today on how to use the GarageBand program to create songs and to podcast. I’m hoping to get it within a week.

I did make an audio recording using GarageBand, but very minimally--just me recording my introduction (which lasts about 9 and 1/2 minutes) and then me rambling for another 14 minutes. I need to get more organized and try again. I mean it sounds okay, but I’d like it to be a little better than just okay, preferably good and informative. And I’m tempted to include at least one of my songs. Maybe start the podcast with a song and then go into some talking. The song I think I’m going to use is called Ready and it’s about my friend Richard. I wrote it maybe 12 years ago and sang it close to that long ago, so the recording is old and not of very good sound quality, but it’s one of my better songs. Here are the lyrics:

Ready

(For Richard)

I’m ready to die
I’m ready to die, he said
It’s all over for me
Doesn’t matter ‘bout the kids and the family

He said my wife would be
Much better without me
I’ve got a two hundred thousand dollar
Life insurance policy

I’m just really tired,
Really tired and too poor
I’ve tried every angle I could think of
I can’t think of any angles anymore,
Not anymore.

My wife doesn’t give me
The affection that I need
She doesn’t understand that
That’s a very slow death for me,
For me.

I’d accept any miracle
Jesus Christ had to give but
I’m ready, I’m way too ready
I’m ready, I’m way too ready
I’m ready to die
I’m ready to die he said
I’m ready to die
I’m ready to die he said.


I mention Jesus Christ because Richard is a Born Again Christian and when he talked repeatedly to me about being willing to die, he was serious. He wouldn’t go so far as to kill himself (which he must consider a sin) but he was almost welcoming the end of his life and that really disturbed me. He’s one of these very creative, hard working types and it was out of character for him to speak about his death so plainly. I felt helpless to help him. I’ve never played him the song though...




I picked up and read from a journal the other day that dates from about a month after my last psychotic break in December of 2001. It’s surprisingly lucid and sensible. The first two pages contain lists of recovery behaviors like taking the anti-psychotic meds, going to my therapist and support groups, getting enough sleep, etc...and also of warning signs like the return of delusions and paranoia, the inability to concentrate when reading, talking aloud too much, etc... I remember that I kept the Al-Anon daily readers close by and studied them. I wrote: “Today I’ve been guided to keep the focus on myself. Instead of being codependent on my psychosis, I need to focus on my core problem which is codependence.” Before I became psychotic, I was codependent on the alcoholic in my life. I obsessed about him and his problems and avoided dealing with my own. I did the same thing after I became psychotic. I believed that I was telepathically connected to an eccentric rock star who eventually morphed into a serial killer. And I obsessed about him and again avoided looking closely at myself. I made another list prefaced by the question: “How do I keep the focus on myself?
1. When I take my medication
2. When I make sure to get enough sleep
3. When I make sure to eat regular, healthy meals
4. When I love the cats.
5. When I bathe regularly
6. When I relax and enjoy some of a movie or a book
7. When I meditate on goodness and good behavior
8. When I consult the I Ching as a spiritual/moral practice
9. When I write in my journal
10. When I make choices focusing on what I like rather than conforming to what others like
11. When I love my reflection in a mirror.

What I was doing was working a recovery program. I was in a very delicate state but I was determined to get healthier: “I HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I’M SICK EVERYDAY.” And I did. I had to stop pretending that there was some higher purpose in my delusions. The higher purpose was in recovering from my delusions and not in fostering them.

1/10/02

“And we don’t see clearly what is going on while it is going on. It is as though we are in a fog.” (Codependent’s Guide To the Twelve Steps, p.15, Beattie)

This is how I’m feeling now--just beginning to come out of the fog. It’s frightening to see how lost I’ve been in my sickness. Seeing but not seeing--I think I’ve been aware of some level of my blindness--in the beginning of the psychosis I said “I’m flying blind.” And even so, I’ve been held and guided throughout it all. If I hadn’t been guided, I would be dead. That’s how important it is to rely on a higher spiritual power. I’m still very detached, but I believe i will begin to remember my more painful moments with enough of a balance to work through the pain and release it.

************************************************************************

After I read that journal, I read the next journal. Then I gathered up all my journals, organized them and put them on a shelf. I’m going to gradually go through them and pick out quotes and write responses to those quotes. The goal is to make a Journal Book of my life from just before I became involved with an abusive alcoholic all the way through the worst of the schizophrenia and up till now. It might also be a good way to organize some of my blog entries.

I got a bit depressed after reading the journals, but that’s to be expected. It’s not easy going back in time to painful moments. But I do think it will be worth it to try and understand some of what I went through and share it with you. Maybe you will find parallels in your own life or with your loved ones.