My Return To The 12 Steps

There’s an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that meets once a week in my town.  This meeting has been active since before I arrived here 25 years ago.  It has always had the reputation of being a very good meeting.  I went to this meeting a couple of times when I was in a relationship with an alcoholic many years ago.  Last Friday I went to my first meeting and yesterday I returned again.  I plan to go each week from now on.  The reason I can go is because it is a beginners meeting and open to anyone. Though I am not addicted to any substance except the nicotine in cigarettes, I consider myself an addict, too.  I am a recovering codependent addict.  I crossed the line into addiction when I chose to begin a relationship with a young alcoholic who was cyclically abusive to me.  I remained in that relationship for over 5 years, which was plenty of time to establish this chronic illness inside of me. Some people may claim that addiction can be cured; most do not.  The 12 step program is meant for those affected by addiction who believe that they must follow a lifelong recovery program based on strict self-honesty combined with compassion for themselves and others.  The basis for this program rests on coming to believe in a Higher Power and then turning one’s will over to that power by continuing to ask for help and by following the guidance that comes.

It took me four or five attempts to leave my codependent relationship with my abusive, addicted lover. In the final year I prayed to be released and was given the ability to do so in the summer of 1995.  But I haven’t all these years treated the root cause of my addiction.  Instead I chose to avoid all romantic relationships and have been on my own since the day I left him.  Part of why I chose to stay alone was because I became psychotic in the Spring of 1998. For over 3 years I was too sick to be in a relationship with anyone.  Gradually, after committing to take the anti-psychotic medications, I entered into an early recovery stage but was plagued by depression and the continuation of voices in my mind. Several years later I believe I could have tried to find a new relationship with someone, but hid behind the weight I had put on because of the medications I was taking and continued the self hating practice of calling myself “fat and ugly”.  I had also entered into middle age and had to come to terms with the fact that I was no longer young.  I was aging and my body was gradually changing.  I held onto the slight possibility that I might have a child still, but let go of that once I reached my mid 40s.  The truth was that I continued to struggle to take care of myself and was not fit to care for a child and I knew it.

Now, at almost 52 years old, I am finally ready to address the roots of my addiction, which began to develop I believe in childhood.  I have decided to commit to the 12 Step recovery program.  This program has been my guide during the most traumatic times in my life when I was in a self destructive mutually codependent relationship and when I was in the acute stages of my psychotic illness.  I never fully dedicated myself to going to either Al-Anon or AA meetings, but I did embrace the study of 12 Step daily readers and other support literature and worked to apply the concepts to my daily life.  Self-honesty has been the foundation of my recovery.  I know now that there can be no recovery for me without this practice.  By the end of 2006 I did two things that set me going in a healthy direction; in addition to a written journal, I began an audio journal using a small tape recorder and I began my Yin And Yang blog.  The audio journal became my daily self honesty practice just for myself.  The Yin And Yang blog became my public self honesty practice.

The spiritual path I chose to follow combined elements of Christianity and Buddhism.  I was raised by parents who had rejected their Catholic upbringing and chose to become committed to atheism.  But I knew at a young age that I was different from them in that I believed in something greater than myself that I could not clearly define.  I studied Christian history and art in college, but did not become converted to it.  It wasn’t until I was around 30 years old when I first went to Al-Anon that I began to consider deepening my shaky faith in a Higher Power.  I read and studied the Al-Anon daily readers and read books on defining and treating codependency addiction.  One of my favorite authors was Melody Beattie who was an expert on codependency and a firm believer in the value of applying the 12 Steps to daily life.  She wrote a daily reader for codependents called The Language of Letting Go and this book, along with the Al-Anon daily readers, gave me permission to put the focus on myself and my recovery.

Ms. Beattie wrote several times that it was important to believe in a totally benevolent Higher Power and also to believe that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, even though I was desperately miserable because I was stuck inside self hating attitudes and behaviors.  But at least I was coming out of the fog of denial about my own sickness.  I was learning to take responsibility for myself, for my thoughts and actions.  I began to see that I had many more choices in life than I had thought and that, with the help of a Higher Power’s guidance, I could have the courage to change myself from an actively addicted mess into a person who could practice recovery attitudes and behavior, into someone who could heal.

Twenty two years have passed.  I did have the courage to leave my addictive relationship, but did not have enough faith in myself to try to have a healthy love relationship.  Before I was pulled into psychosis, I did not return to Al-Anon, only temporarily saw a therapist, continued being reclusive, and continued my practice of relying on addictive fantasies about unavailable men.  Too often I chose fantasy over reality.  In my journals of the time I realized that on some level I was hating myself and yet I did not reach out for help.  I thought going back to college and getting a second bachelor’s degree in art and photography would be enough to give me a fresh start.  It did not.  By the end of my first year I was delusional and paranoid and had to take a leave of absence from school.

I believe now that I was deliberately led by the Higher Power into an even deeper mental illness than my codependent addiction because I had continued to live according to one of my deepest character defects:  self imposed isolation.  How could the Higher Power help me when I refused to seek out help from other recovering addicts, when I refused to practice a recovery program, when I refused to be of service to the people in my community?  I had been given many opportunities.  In fact, once I left my addictive relationship, I had been given another chance to really get well.  I don’t think God had any other choice but to bring the abuse that had once attacked me in the form of my lover into my mind, into the one place where I could not run away from my core issue of self hatred.

The voices in my mind, which I had been conscious of since my mid 20s, now transformed from mostly benevolent guides that did not intrude upon my life into two groups.  One group was devilish and the other was angelic.  It was as if my very soul was being fought over.  While the devilish group tried to convince me that I was some kind of anti-Christ figure, the angelic group tried very hard to teach me how to help myself.   In the midst of my desperation, I was directed to get admitted into a hospital, which I did.  I stayed only over night, but it was enough to get my diagnosis of schizophrenia from a psychiatrist and a prescription for an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic.  My father arrived the next day from Florida and stayed with me for a month and then my mother came an stayed with me for another month.  From there the helpful voices told me to get a therapist and to go to two support groups:  Al-Anon and a domestic violence support group.  From there I was told to pray for the people in those groups and actively try to help them however I could despite the fact that I was still very psychotic.  I agreed to take the anti-depressant, but not the anti-psychotic.  It would take me over three years and three break downs before I would take them.  I mark January 2002 as the beginning of my recovery from severe mental illness.

That was 12 years ago.  I have come a long way in that time following a spiritual path that includes elements of 12 Step philosophy, Christianity and Buddhism.  I have been vigilantly honest with myself.  I go to therapy every two weeks and I take my medications, get enough sleep and eat well.  But all through these last 12 years I have continued to be reclusive, going to support meetings only sporadically and never fully going through all the Steps.  But two years ago I reached out to someone in my town in friendship and we have been close and mutually supportive since then.  Now I know for sure that I am ready to push myself farther by going to the AA group each week while working the Steps each day.  It is my turn to be of service to others while taking very good care of myself by continuing on my spiritual path.  One thing I do know for sure and that is that somewhere along the line, I don’t exactly know when, but I have turned my life and my will over to the Higher Power.  And so I have a strong foundation to work from as I go through the rest of the Steps.  I know that after all I’ve been through that I love and respect myself very much.  I know that I love my life and am grateful every day.

Our World Still Turns

The world did not end yesterday; we have been given a reprieve.  How shall we spend it, in denial or in action?  With global climate change, near economic ruin, continuing wars, people (children!) starving and persisting diseases, it is not too far fetched to consider that our world is dying and mainly because of us and our chosen lifestyles.  In these challenging times, some claim that they have woken up into an enlightened consciousness and way of being.  Eckhart Tolle, who wrote a very popular book called The Power Of Now, in 1999, is one of that group.

I have read over half of the book.  I connect with some of it; that connection might be because a part of me really wishes that people as individuals are having a positive change of consciousness that will direct them away from business as usual on this planet.  I believe our survival depends upon it.  But at the same time that I welcome Mr. Tolle's assertions that enlightenment is accessible in every passing moment, I feel wary of anyone who achieves fame and monetary success through such assertions.  I believe that such success can overemphasize the importance of one person over others and can lead to a kind of corruption of spirit and message.

And so, as they say in 12 step groups, I will take what I need and leave the rest, which is what I hope all of us do.  It does no good to totally accept or reject one person's ideas.  No one can live our lives for us, nor learn our lessons; we have to do this ourselves now and always.  What I take from Mr. Tolle is what I have taken from other spiritual teachers and that is that it is not the past or the future that matters so much as being aware, and therefore awake, in the present.  It sounds so simple and, if you are willing to stop and look about you, it really is simple, but so often we go about in a dream of non mindful doing caught in the trap of questionable thinking.

Mindful action and the ability to watch our thoughts, respect them, but not necessarily engage in them, I believe is what Eckhart Tolle would describe as a "portal" to a higher consciousness.  This consciousness would be one that would be beneficial to ourselves, towards others and towards this planet.  The more people that tap into practicing mindfulness, the greater our chances of making deeply beneficial changes in the short run and the long run.  It takes courage to remain open enough to be mindful.  Mindful people are not aggressive, greedy and because they let themselves be aware, they give themselves the chance to act responsibly, instead of reacting thoughtlessly and self-centeredly.

For everyone, self honesty needs to be the basis of the changes that must come.  We don't have the time to remain in denial.  If you can't sit with the truth at some point during your day, each day, you will remain unconscious and ineffective; perhaps you will contribute to the problems of the day rather than to the solutions.  My feeling is we need to pull together and the courage it takes to be honest does create the strong bonds necessary for us to do this.  Surely there are enough of us to change the world.  In the 1950s there were 3 billion people on earth -- now there are over 7 billion people.  We cannot go on indiscriminately procreating, acting as if we have the right to do as we please.

We have thoroughly tested out hatred through wars as a basis for supposedly civilized life, laying claim to imaginary, man made territories and rights.  It is my very strong belief that now is the time to embrace peace on earth.  What good can really be done without it?  The only way I see this being possible is if more people than not stand up individually and refuse to service and sacrifice themselves to the war machine concocted by various "nations".  It is simple:  if we refuse to fight, there can be no war, even drones need to be made, serviced and sent out by people.  The phrase "Just Say No" did not work on the "war on drugs" but it would work if people abandoned the military and put their energies towards saving this planet and the people and life on it.

Do you love this world with its oceans, mountains, plains, valleys, deserts, rivers, forests and streams?  Do you love the life that grows and moves across this earth?  Can you rise up to the challenge of loving those who it would be easier to hate?  Can you cross cultural barriers and rejoice in the wonderful diversity of all of us human animals?  Can you chip in and do your part for the love of it?  I, for one, have a lot of faith that you can.  Despite all the mistakes we've made, our essential spirits are solidly good.  I believe in the power of love to conquer hate and the power of love to move mountains if need be.  And I'm afraid it is needed, probably more now than at any time in our relatively brief history.  We need a global change of consciousness.  We need it now, in all of our present moments.

The Balancing Act Of Yin And Yang

We are like this seagull:  we can find balance or we can fall or we can even, symbolically, fly.  Balance allows us to land and settle and balance allows us to take off and fly.  The experience of falling also has balance in it, the balance of letting go and trusting despite the thrill or the fear of it.  To me this photograph is a good example of actual and potential balance, yin and yang in action.

In Chinese the literal meaning of the word yin is shadow and the literal meaning of the word yang is light.  The yin and yang symbol is often illustrated in black and white showing the greatest extremes co-joined in a balanced duality.  The symbol is perfectly contained yet implies movement.  It is supposed to represent the elements of nature, opposing yet not in opposition, rather interconnected.  Human beings are animals and evolved from nature and have literal and figurative elements of shadow and light in their make-up as does everything in our world.  This experience of contrasts is how we sense, and make sense of, ourselves and our environment.  We see the difference between sunlight and shadows or we feel the difference between the warmth from the sun and the coolness of the shadows.  These contrasts, and all the subtleties between them, make for the profound richness of our lives.

Duality, then, is an essential and intimate part of all our lives.  The yin and yang symbol, though it uses the visual language of extremes, really teaches about moderation, balance and the perfect compromise.  So why are humans often immoderate, unbalanced and in conflict?  The balance of yin and yang is perfection, heaven or "the pure lands", yet there is always flow and flux to it.  There are innumerable combinations which allow us to become unbalanced.  But is that lack of balance a lack of perfection?  Or is it the perfection of a process that moves towards a larger view, a broader picture?  We too often label the low points in our lives as bad and the high points as good when really they are both just different aspects of a fertile and fully experienced lifetime.

I don't mean to minimize the intensity that our suffering can reach, but suffering never is or has been the whole picture.  If it were, we would have no means of surviving and certainly none of being happy.  It is when we are seeing black, really imagining that all is hopeless and dark, that we can make the biggest fall of all into aggressive acts against ourselves and/or others.  But before the act comes the thoughts and feelings, the reactions to the real and imagined pain in our present moment.  Always there is the touch of light amidst a black background, but when we focus on the darkness and even add to the darkness, we blot out the one door out of our prison.  Controlled by our imagination we think there is no door to freedom, to the outside.  I'm convinced that the reality is that there is always a door available.

There is a Tibetan lojong slogan that goes, "Train in the three difficulties."  The first difficulty is to recognize mental illness as mental illness.  Pema Chodron uses the word neurosis, but I have found that it applies just as much to psychosis, depression and anxiety.  Recognition is intuitive awareness and awareness is the first major step towards beneficial change in yourself and towards others, which leads to the second difficulty which is to do something different after you recognize your illness.  Doing the usual thing, the habitual thoughtless thing, leads you to reinforce the original illness.  Instead of finding some liberation from sickness, you settle more deeply into it.  The only way to find the door, the access to light, is to take the blinders off your eyes.  That's doing something different.  The final difficulty is to make this your life's practice.

Actually, I think the first and second difficulty are one in the same.  The act of recognizing is an act of doing something different.  The question is how to you get to the point where you are ready to become aware?  I've been looking back on some of my adult life, reading a journal from the early years of my recovery, and I see now what I was unable to see then, that I was harboring, even cultivating, resentment towards these mysterious and challenging voices in my mind.  I was full of questions and I chased the questions wanting answers like a cat chasing its own tail.  Some of the questions were understandable, but others revealed my particular bias towards blaming them for my own ills.  Interspersed in the resentment was the germination of a compassion practice towards them and myself because we appeared to both be ill.  That practice was enough for me to see the touch of light in the midst of my persistent depression.

It's been almost eleven years since I entered into recovery.  The early years, when I was struggling to get my BFA degree, were not easy.  Now I can see that I made them harder.  I was self centered, self isolating and resentful, but I was also curious, thoughtful and basically non harming.  I did return again and again to the practice of gratitude and lovingkindness however imperfectly.  Anyway, it was enough to get me to this point where I'm more ready to be aware than I was before.  A lot more ready.  It's only been since I finished reading "Dharma In Hell" that I realized that I do have a daily Buddhist practice.  I practice lovingkindness towards myself, the voices and everyone, but I came to the practice gradually.  A little bit here and a little bit there while going in circles and falling backwards.  I believed strongly in that little ray of light and when I could I nurtured it.  None of it has gone to waste and life on the path continues.  I am just beginning to enter into compassion practice which is harder than lovingkindness practice in that I will have to feel the pain in myself, others and the situations we get ourselves into.

Next Tuesday, on September 11th, I will go to my first NAMI meeting in a nearby town.  This is very important to me and hopefully to the other people who attend.  It will give me the chance to be of service to a few of the people in my community.  Early in the acute stage of my psychosis, the voices ordered me to be of benefit to my community and despite battling the delusions and my paranoia I did help a few people out.  Then I pulled back into myself and gradually I have started reaching out.  It took me years just to reach out to people online and then years of me wishing that there was a support group to go to.  The time has come.  I'll be nervous, but I will work to stay open to the opportunities that present themselves to me, opportunities to share my story and to listen and learn from other people's stories.  The flux and flow of yin interacting with yang has brought me to this place, a place where I can finally open the door.

Book Review: "Dharma In Hell" by Fleet Maull

"I'm thoroughly convinced after spending fourteen years in prison with murderers, rapists, bank robbers, child molesters, tax dodgers, drug dealers and every sort of criminal imaginable, that the fundamental nature of all human beings is good.  I have absolutely no doubt in my mind."
                                                                                                                   Fleet Maull

Fleet Maull started out a Buddhist practitioner studying with Chogyam Trungpa, Pema Chodron's root teacher, in the mid 1970s into the mid 1980s.  During this time he also became both an addict and a cocaine drug smuggler.  He lived two lives side by side.  After being under investigation by federal agents for a while, he was indicted in May of 1985 and following the advice of some senior Buddhist teachers, he turned himself in.  He got a 30 year, no parole prison sentence.  This was his first and longterm introduction into hell.

His years of Buddhist training gave him a spiritual and practical foundation, a focus and a purpose, which, despite the hellish circumstances, he soon put to good use.  Being in such close contact with all the men suffering around him and wanting to be of service as his teacher Chogyam Trungpa had taught him soon shifted his attention from his own pain to the pain of others.  Not only did he start a meditation group, but he also found a way to begin a prison hospice program and became a hospice worker for the rest of his stay in prison.  He was particularly moved by the isolation and suffering of AIDS patients during a time when the fear of contracting AIDS was at its peak.

Meditation practice was anything but easy in an environment of overcrowding, noise and potential violence, but Fleet Maull was not deterred.  He committed himself wholeheartedly and set an example that other inmates could respect, some even follow.  Meditation was his life raft, but his service work with dying inmates gave him the spiritual food and water to sustain him through the many years that followed.  In this way, virtual strangers became friends and the friendships he created gave meaning to him and to those he helped.  Of course, it was not easy sometimes, but even the difficulties became important lessons that helped him to continue with his important work.

In the first chapter of "Dharma In Hell" the author compares his Buddhist practice in prison to the Buddhist training gotten by serious practitioners in charnel grounds.  Charnel grounds are cemeteries for the impoverished; it is where dead bodies are left outside to be eaten by animals and to decompose.  A core teaching for Buddhists is the teaching on the impermanence of life and the fact that death comes for every living thing.  Accepting impermanence and death is an advanced yet effective practice, one that Fleet Maull embraced and through it all as his practice deepened, so did his moments of happiness.
Not easy, but a very useful and very honorable way to do time.

"Dharma In Hell" is a rather short book, but it is a good book to read to get some insight into life in prison from the perspective of a spiritual seeker and practitioner.  There is a Tibetan Buddhist mind training slogan that goes, "When the world is filled with evil, transform all mishaps into the path of the bodhi."  This is just what Mr. Maull did, he took extremely difficult life circumstances and turned them into a spiritual path.  This is good news, not only for other inmates who would like to do that same thing, but for all of us who have struggled with harsh realities.  The hells we face on earth can be transformed, if not into paradise, then into close approximations of it.  But it takes dedication to practice, it takes courage and it takes a willingness to open your heart to others.

I can identify with Fleet Maull's experience of prison, though I have never been inside a prison.  I've survived a domestic violence relationship and that had at times the extremely restricted feel that I imagine prisons to have.  And then there was me getting through the acute stages of mental illness where the paranoia, which is a deeply rooted part of the illness, left me feeling exposed 24/7.  I felt as if I were never alone and as if I could not escape to freedom, no matter how much I wanted it.  More than that, I felt the daily torture of it all and no matter how many people I was around, I still felt isolated in my misery.  The fact that people such as myself can feel what it is like to be imprisoned, while not being locked up in an actual prison, says a lot about the human condition.  But that the institution of prisons exists in the US for over 2 million people on any given day says even more.

It says that we as a culture do not want to deal with the fact that people are human, that they make mistakes, that they get addicted, that they get pulled into violence amongst other things.  Over 400 teenagers in the state of Texas alone have been sentenced to life imprisonment.  More than 70,000 prisoners get raped each year.  At least 50,000 men are existing in solitary confinement each day.  The US has the highest incarceration rate in the entire world.  To add insult to injury businessmen have turned making prisons into private business ventures.  This is the wrong approach; prison reform is desperately needed.  Convicts are so much more than what they are convicted of, they are human beings and the potential for healing their illnesses and reforming their behaviors is great, if they are treated with common sense and respect.  Give a man or woman who has committed a crime some respect and responsibility and let the transformation begin.

Fleet Maull founded the Prison Dharma Network in 1987.  You can also find out more about him on his website: http://fleetmaull.com

Summertime Gratitude

I'm sitting at my dining room table with my now wireless laptop enjoying the breeze created by my three fans.  We finally got some rain today after having drought conditions for a while.  My friend Sam stayed over last night; we had our first drinking night together in several months.  We drank her favorite -- rum with cranberry juice and ice and we both got moderately drunk.  It was an excellent night.  We talked, listened to music, did a little musical jamming, me on her sweet acoustic guitar and her on her electric bass, and watched a movie by the director Mel Brooks called "Young Frankenstein" that came out in 1974 in black and white, a very funny movie.  Earlier that day I did a lot of house cleaning and cooked up some red beans and rice with chicken for our dinner.  I felt proud of myself and content with her.  Several years ago I wouldn't have been able to pull if off, but yesterday it was a piece of cake.  And so I feel as if I am really moving in the right direction in my life with my recovery.

It's taken a while to come to this place, a place that many people come to naturally, but I have to say that it's been worth the wait.  Now I have friends whereas before I really just had my brother.  I'm finding that having friends makes all the difference.  Sam in particular is a great friend because I can see her face to face and I get to hug her and talk to her directly.  She's gotten me to get outside for short walks and to sit in nature's glory especially at her place which has some lovely property complete with a large pond and a full food garden and a campfire spot.  She's said to me that ever since she was little she's felt more comfortable outside than inside.  But then she grew up out here in the beautiful countryside, whereas I was mostly in the City, except for my summer's at my parents' beach house on Long Island.  I think my summer's were particularly pleasant precisely because I lived in the City.  I had the best of both worlds back then.  Now I'm a confirmed country dweller and have been for over 20 years.  I'm used to looking out my window at the wildlife and greenery and flowers.  I'm used to the slow pace, the privacy and the beauty.  I feel very fortunate.

The last couple of months I put myself back on a diet and plan to continue with it as a lifestyle change in order to get back to a more normal weight.  Really my self-consciousness at being obese has stopped me from returning to NYC to visit with my old friends.  My therapist says that shouldn't stop me, but it does.  I don't mind that much my somewhat sagging neck and my gray hairs.  I have come to accept that I've made it past the middle age mark, but the weight I can't seem to accept.  As it stands I plan on seeing my friends next summer.  Lately I've been getting some new clothes to fit me for now.  They are comfortable and attractive and not very expensive either.  This is a big change for me.  Normally, I live in sweatpants and t-shirts.  I really didn't think it was possible to look good again, but then I didn't try very hard either.  Now because of the clothes and my improved ability to take care of my home and having some friends, I feel a part of the human race again.  It's a great feeling.

A really pleasant surprise happend to me a couple of days ago:  I got an email from my old friend Colette, a very warm and supportive email.  Turns out she's been busy, but right now she is vacationing with her family and she had enough time to write to me.  When I contacted her, she was just about to do her oral presentation to get her doctorate degree, well, she only just got confirmation that she passed her tests and she is now officially has her Phd.  I respect her for going so far in her education.  She's a real success story.  It means so much to me that she decided to get in touch with me.  I was afraid that I would never hear from her again, though I was planning on sending her an audio tape of me talking to her in the Fall, but now maybe I can do that for her (if she has a tape player) earlier.  I've successfully sent tapes to my two other old friends, Rita and Amy and gotten a few tapes from them as well.  Emails are great too, but to hear an old friend's voice and inflections is even better.  Plus now I have years of practice doing it for just myself.

I'm back to wanting to start a support group in my town.  I've been wanting to do this for about five years, made a couple of tentative approaches, but never pulled it off.  I wasn't quite ready to try to do this on my own, but maybe, just maybe, I can do this by the end of the summer.  I wrote a Support Group Proposal to give to my therapist and my psychiatrist, which I did last week.  I asked them if they'd be willing to back me up by letting me include their contact information on the proposal that I plan to give to the county clerk's office in town.  My therapist is willing, but my psychiatrist would prefer that I work with the counseling center in a nearby town.  He worries that some people in the acute stages of mental illness might act out and cause me a lot of grief, so he wants there to be more support.  I suggested asking to have the meeting at the court house which is right above the police station, that way I could call for help if I needed it.  My psychiatrist seemed to approve of that idea.  Honestly I think most people who choose to go to a support group meeting do not act out, but it is good to prepare for the possibility.

It still amazes me that there are no mental health support groups in this  county.  My psychiatrist hesitation appears to be part of the reason why:  the people in the local communities around here don't trust that mentally ill people getting together will behave properly.  Most of that is I think due to ignorance and some stigma, though there is always an element of truth there too.  It's hard to know where people are at in their illness or in the various stages of recovery from serious mental illnesses.  I've never been a group facilitator before, but I'm sure I can learn.  I just wish there was a good daily reader for mental health groups.  When I went to Al-Anon they had excellent readers which I relied on when I was in the acute stage of my illness; it wasn't quite appropriate, but it was better than nothing.  Having a daily reader gives a good focus to a group, a basis to start a discussion and to share personal experiences and offer support.  But before I can get to the stage of getting a group going, I have to convince the townspeople of the need for a local group.  This will take courage and persistence on my part and a willingness to share my story, to become more visible in my community.

Mostly I've kept a very low profile, though early on in my illness I did tell my brother, who is sometimes a bit of a barfly socializing with students and the locals, that he could tell people about me and my diagnosis.  I didn't want him, or myself for that matter, to be ashamed of my illness and I wanted my neighbors to know why I have been so reclusive all these years.  Also, for the most part, I have not acted out publicly or gotten in trouble with the police.  Basically, I pay my taxes, shop at some of the local stores and businesses and keep to myself and that seems good enough for most people around here.  Also people know my brother, who is a great talker, and that helps as well.

So, so far, this has been one of the better summers I've had around here.  Even the hot weather hasn't been bothering me much.  My brother and I go off to a 4 day music festival this Thursday and then 5 days after that my parents, who are both now in their mid 80s, will arrive and visit for 8 days.  I am really looking forward to giving them the iPad and teaching them how to use it.  Even my friend Richard has been helping me out by doing some small, but necessary, jobs around my house and then staying to have a glass or two of Sangria with me.  Before Sam left today, we both agreed that in a world where so many things could go wrong for everyone every day, that, for the most part, things work out.  Of course, there are low points in everyone's lives, but if you can endure through them, you can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and then move out into it.

Parallels With My Anti-Psychiatry Peers

I have come upon the anti-psychiatry movement late.  I've only just started reading some blogs about it.  There's a lot of outcry about the perils of being medicated, some of which I certainly sympathize with, but what I was really looking for was a list of alternatives to taking the medications.  I just found one large site with lots and lots of information on it, it's called Beyond Meds: Alternatives to Psychiatry.  I've only read a bit of it, but plan to return and continue my research.  I was fascinated to find that I have been going on a parallel course because some of the alternatives that are suggested are Mindfulness, Meditation, Yoga and viewing one's illness as actually a psycho-spiritual journey.  On one of the sites that I stopped at they even were pushing books by Adyashanti!  I also read an article by a woman who suffered from Bi-Polar disorder who came to embrace Tibetan Buddhism and mind training, while working in a peer-run support group and not taking the medications.

In terms of spiritual orientation these anti-psychiatry people appear to by "my" people.  I certainly do accept them as such because we have been to the same hard places.  And I am all for exploring alternatives to the medications.  If people don't explore, they will never find ways to develop better treatments to complex psychotic illnesses.  And without exploration, there's not even the possibility of discovering a cure.  It seems more and more likely that community outreach programs and peer run support groups will be the wave of the future.  God, I hope so.  I know I was meant to be a part of a mental health support group.  The great thing about support groups is that everyone is welcome from the acutely ill to those in partial recovery to those in full recovery.  There's so much we can learn from one another, but we have to get into each other's hearts and minds and learn how to be there for each other.

I want to believe that following a spiritual path of being Mindful and training the mind to study itself without judgment could help to treat acute psychosis.  I want to believe the same for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and peer run support groups and diet, nutrition and exercise programs, but I honestly don't know yet.  Maybe individualized combinations of treatments could really address the core symptoms enough to treat acute psychosis without medication or with medication at a very small dosage.  All I know is that people need to get organized and that's what the anti-psychiatry movement appears to be doing, working both in communities and online.  I know I need the help in my community;  medication and individual therapy have not been enough for me -- I need to meet peers face to face.  I've felt frustration about this for so long and disappointment in myself for not having the courage and stamina to start up a support group in my town.  I'm hoping this will change this year. I talk a good game about peer support because I got so much out of going to the Al-Anon group, but the group is just not appropriate from people with psychotic disorders.

And I do use the word "psychotic" and "disorders" as well as the word "schizophrenia" because I do see the phenomenon of psychosis as an expression of imbalance and illness, though I know it can be a means to personal growth; it can also lead to suicide.  As I wrote in my last post, it is the people in the thrall of acute psychosis who most concern me and that is why I still believe that medication should be an option at least for a period of time.  At the same time, I'm all for engaging individuals in various forms of treatment in addition to the medications.  Build a support network, and work on your own, too, while taking advantage of what the medications can do for you and then decide whether to continue with the medications or not.  The medications are imperfect; there's no doubt about that, but it's important to use as many options as you can, especially when you are suffering so much.

If I find that there are viable alternatives to medications, ones that really work to treat psychosis, I think I might consider reducing my medications, mainly because I'm on high doses and have been for 10 years and I don't know if that's good for me or not.  I'm still afraid of falling back into acute illness.  Most of my days have challenges in them.  I am not recovered, but I will continue to wave the flag of RECOVERY for any newcomers.  Recovery, in all its forms and gradations, is possible.  That's very important to realize.  No matter how bad it gets, and it can get pretty bad, you will not be stuck in a hellish place indefinitely, but you do need to motivate yourself to reach out to others, to share your story and to do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself.

The most important point I can make here is that we, who have suffered from psychotic disorders, are all peers regardless of whether we take the medications or try an alternative route.  We need to stand united or at least make bridges to meet each other across the sometimes great divide.  I deeply appreciate people on both sides, but really, we are the same with similar stuggles and successes.  Today I read a blog entry by Charles on his blog Mental Health Recovery and in it he writes about how you have to let go of blaming in order to recover and to "be positive in the face of negativity".  I think we've got to work to understand each other better and learn to be extremely tolerant of just those people who cause us to feel self-protective and defensive.  Check yourself out and see what you find.  I find the problem is usually within my own self and that I have a lot to learn from different people and points of view.

An Award And An Offer

As you can see I just got an award for my blog. Here is a list of the other nine winners:

Schizophrenia - A Carer's Journal

http://mindriddles.blogspot.com/

Overcoming Schizophrenia

http://overcomingschizophrenia.blogspot.com/

Schizophrenia Blog

http://www.schizophreniablog.org/

Gaining Insight

http://gaining-insight.blogspot.com/

Hope Is Real!

http://hopeisreal.blogspot.com/

Suicidal No More

http://www.suicidalnomore.com/

Living With An Invisible Disability

http://livingwithaninvisibledisablity.blogspot.com/

Schizophrenia Society of Nova Scotia

http://ssnsc.blogspot.com/

Tony's Schizophrenia Corner

http://tonysschizophreniacorner.blogspot.com/

So congratulations to me and the other blog winners for doing a good job. I definitely appreciate it. It makes me think that maybe I'm doing more good with this blog than I realize. I also got a short email from someone "working on behalf" of the Janssen pharmaceutical company. Here's the email:

Dear Kate:

We had the opportunity to read your blog and learn more about your experiences as a person living with schizophrenia and all of the great work you do in the mental illness community. That is why we are reaching out to you.

Our company, Barsamian Communication, is currently working on behalf of Janssen, to develop a Mental Health Community Council comprised of people living with schizophrenia, caregivers and advocates to share their experiences and help guide the development of educational and marketing materials.

I would love to set up a time to speak to tell you more about the Council and see if you might be interested in participating in our next meeting in September.

Please let me know.

Best,

Leah

********************************************

So I was wondering what some of you think about this offer. I've emailed Leah to say that I am not very good with talking on the phone, but would be happy if she emailed me more information. So I have to wait and find out if that is okay.

I'm of two minds about volunteering to work for a big pharmaceutical company, even just minimally. On the one hand a company like Janssen is such a powerful business company that I am suspicious of its motivations. On the other hand opening the lines of communication between those that suffer from schizophrenia, either directly or indirectly by being a caregiver, and those that make a product that treats it, is potentially very commendable. Because the Janssen company is so wealthy they have the potential to really help those in need. My first thought is that they could organize support groups in very rural areas, such as mine, to give people the opportunity to receive free mental health support. The support groups that I know of all encourage medication compliance, as do I, and that could benefit the Janssen company, but more than that it would benefit the people who have the least access to healthcare, but who desperately need the community support with or without the use of psychiatric drugs. It still amazes me that no one has latched onto the incredible potential of support groups. They are low cost, low maintenance and they allow people to get help and give them a place to organize themselves.

If a company like Janssen did sponsor and organize support groups in rural areas throughout the U.S. there would have to be restrictions put on them. Community service above business promotion. It would be good public relations for them and that should be enough. I do not know if it can be done legally, but it is worth looking into it. Anyway, though I am somewhat skeptical, I would love the opportunity to help those in need.

*******************************************

On the home front, I've been writing nearly daily for over two weeks. My goal is to write at least 1,000 words a day, or close to that. The idea of writing daily for those who do write and aspire to get published is an old idea, but a generally good one. I recently got the idea from several writers who have written popular books on writing. Carolyn See in her book Making A Literary Life: Advice for Writers and Other Dreamers, pushes her formula which is write 1,000 words 5 days a week for the rest of your life. Stephen King in his book On Writing: A Memoir Of The Craft, pushes for writing 2,000 words every day, but then he says he can get through the first draft of a novel in three months. Julia Cameron in her book The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path To Higher Creativity, urges that writers write three pages in stream of consciousness style every morning.

I finished reading the King book yesterday. I had gotten the book for my brother one Christmas because he expressed an interest in writing, but I had never read it. Then I read in Karen Sorensen's "Dignify Me" blog that she was reading the book, so on impulse I bought it for myself as a gift instead of going through the public library system as I did with the other books I mentioned. Mr King starts the book out as a memoir of parts of his childhood and youth up until he became a success with his novel Carrie. I enjoyed that part of the book, especially the author's honesty and sense of humor. There were laugh out loud bits there mixed in with more serious descriptions of his working class mother and his working class youth. I learned later on in the book that it was around this point in his writing and his life that he got run over by someone driving a van and nearly lost his ability to walk. He almost gave up on writing the book, but then found that it was a kind of mental therapy that went along well with his physical therapy and he finished the book. The rest of the book was good too, but not as fun to read. He goes into the nuts and bolts of writing, or at least those aspects of writing practice that he came to stand by, though there is certainly still a lot of honesty and humor in the remaining parts as well.

It's good to be reading and writing regularly again. Many of the writers who write books on the craft of writing obviously write from their experience, hence these books are memoirs. Lately, that is the kind of book that I have been drawn into reading, rather than to straight out memoirs. I like reading about how writers came to become writers. I may not follow all of their advice, but it does stimulate me to keep trying.

Working It Through

I've been a bit too preoccupied with my 1990s songs lately. Soundclick keeps statistics of who views my profile page and which songs are played and how many times, etc... I've been getting a little bit obsessive about it and I wind up feeling sick. Though I like the songs, the fact is that they were made over a decade ago and while I have the lyrics and can still sing the songs, many of them I can't play on my guitar. So I feel as if I'm misrepresenting myself and what I really want to do is make up new songs, songs that go into my experience of mental illness. I have been working on a few songs, but I haven't gotten very far yet because I'm not set up to record. I'll get there. I basically feel better making up songs than I do in listening back to them, so it's the process I like over the product.

Posting the songs and looking for feedback is still an ego orientation, so while I think I will upload a few more of my songs, I'm going to take a few steps back from it. Also, there are so many really talented people out there promoting themselves. On the one hand, I'm promoting myself, but on the other hand, I'm humbled by the sheer immensity of people making music and putting it on the web. Making music is a good thing; promoting myself is premature. I am not a musician, just a singer/songwriter and I have no business sense. What I should focus on is creating just one song at a time, instead of thinking that I have to make a whole album's worth before I can put the songs out there for feedback. I re-found a site I joined a couple of years ago for songwriters; it's called Muse's Muse. I have briefly reviewed some other people's songs, but I want to do more of that. That's the rule there, you have to review 2-4 songs by other people before you can get one of your own songs reviewed. I think that's fair.

What makes me feel better than promoting these old songs is sticking to a Buddhist practice of meditation and dharma study. I found a couple of Buddhist communities online, but this past week I haven't been posting. I've been being very upfront about the fact that I suffer from schizophrenia. Some people respond positively to that, some ignore it and others get uncomfortable. My aim is not to make people uncomfortable, but to fight the stigma attached to mental illnesses and to encourage others to be upfront about their struggles. Still, sometimes I think I overdo it and yet I feel more comfortable being open than hiding something that has affected my life so drastically.

I want to return to painting because I've been working only sporadically. Painting is meditation and therapy. I tend to feel more emotionally balanced when I'm working on a painting or drawing project. Someone who owns a design studio bought two of my abstract paintings on my Artid site. He said he wanted to hire me to do some more work and suggested we talk by phone. I told him that though I felt somewhat uncomfortable using the phone, that he was probably right and said I'd be available this past weekend, but he never called. So I'm feeling insecure. That shouldn't stop me from beginning a painting project of my own.

I also want to return to reaching out to people on the internet. I have made a SharePost on SchizophreniaConnection and responded to another's SharePost. I would like to get back to working on LiveJournal. There are a lot of groups about mental illness/health and maybe I can do some good. I've befriended a young woman who suffers from schizoaffective disorder and we've been emailing each other, which has been a pleasure. She's so bright and also an artist. In fact, I've come across quite a few people online who suffer from mental illness who are both bright and artistic.

I have been feeling bouts of anxiety and I've been trying to breath into the discomfort the way the Buddhist nun Pema Chodron has instructed in her books and audio recordings. The thing is not to act out or repress, but to sit with the feeling and get to know it. That's true for meditation in general and it is not easy to do. When I try to meditate often I get either restless or I get a back ache or I get sleepy. But I did get a beginner yoga DVD and I've been following that and that really helps to relax me, but it doesn't put me to sleep.

Well, that's all for now. I hope you have all been doing well and staying safe.

New Opportunity

The president of the NAMI group I went to from the next county over wrote to me with three suggestions for starting a support group. Her first suggestion was to start a NAMI group in my town as an extension of her group. She said that there would probably be guidelines that I would have to follow and that she would find out more if I was interested, which I am. If I could find a meeting place, it would be the ideal solution. I told her I'd be willing to ask around at the local churches or the town hall to find a place. Her second suggestion was to start a non NAMI support group for students with mental health problems. She said that a college in her town had started a group and that it was part of a nationwide organization and that she could find out more information about that as well. I told her that that was a good suggestion, but that I was more interested in having a meeting that was open to both the schools and the surrounding community, if possible. Her final suggestion was for me to lead a support group in her town, just for those with mental illness. She wants to split the meeting she has now into two groups-one for family members of those with mental illness and one for people with mental illness because the two groups have different needs. I told her that though I would love to lead her meeting, that her town was too far away for me to commit to being available on a weekly basis. I said that since I became ill, I have become anxious about driving, especially in bad weather and at night time, which is why I would much prefer starting a meeting in my town. I live close enough to town that even if the weather was terrible, I could walk to the meeting place and hold a meeting every week. Still, I feel honored that she considered me, since she only met me once. At the end of her email she asked if we could get together for lunch to talk about the possibilities and I replied definitely yes.

I am so pleased that she was thoughtful enough to think of these suggestions and contact me. She is a busy woman with a full time job as well as being the NAMI president of her county and I am grateful to her for reaching out to me. I am hoping that NAMI higher ups will give her permission to let me start a group in my town. To be under the wings of such a major national advocacy group can only be a good thing and give the group even more credibility in this community. For me, personally, it would be a wonderful introduction to my own community service and would boost my self-esteem a great deal. I am so excited by the prospect of it, but will know more after I meet with Ms. Stanley. I have lived in such isolation from others who suffer from mental illness for over a decade, but now, all because I reached out to this woman, I may finally get to meet others like me and form some long lasting bonds and do some good for others in the process. God willing. The main thing is that now I might be ready to actually take on some responsibility, which is such a good sign of progress in my recovery from schizophrenia. It's amazing how having the support of even one person has given me such a boost to get out there and make a difference.

Fresh Starts

This is the second time I've gotten a rebate check from my insurance company for over one thousand dollars. The first time, two years ago, I bought myself a laptop computer. This time I bought a portastudio to replace my older eight track recorder which only uses audio tapes. The price on this portable studio has come down dramatically in the last few years to around four hundred dollars from over a thousand. Nowadays the ability for people to make their own music and share it, even sell it, is widespread due to computers and the internet. I think it's fantastic.

The new eight track will allow me to record new songs and burn them down onto CDs. I might even be able to rerecord my older songs and put them on CDs as well. For those of you who don't know, an eight track recorder means that you can record not only a voice track and a guitar track, but a bass or keyboard or rhythm or whatever you want track. This machine will be able to mix all the tracks together to form a master track which is what you hear when you listen to songs on CDs. Many people now use computers to record their songs using programs such as GarageBand. I have GarageBand on my computer, but I find it way too complicated and I don't like the idea of overtaxing the computer, so I decided to stick with what's called a stand alone recording device that has its own built in CD burner.

So I've been singing and writing new songs and relearning old songs. And I'm so excited to turn them into CDs and to pass them out to people. It's taken me over a decade to get to this point, but I'm almost there. My voice seems to be getting stronger due to practice, but also I think it's because I mostly haven't been smoking cigarettes for over a year and a half. I think being able to sing is also due to the fact that the voices have not been attacking me while I sing and so I have the freedom to get back into it. But I find that it is very important to have other creative outlets besides the singing/playing/songwriting such as painting, writing and reading. So what I do is I alternate between different activities, eat properly and get regular exercise and this creates a kind of balance in me. At least that's how it's been working out lately. May it last.

I went out to lunch with Bev on Monday and gave her the portraits of two of her children and one of herself. She was pleased and said she would frame them and put them in her office at work. And I gave her some of my community service cards advertising the online mental health group I just started. I saw my therapist a couple of days later and gave her some as well. She said they looked great and she would put them in her waiting room. A few days ago I made up the flyers to go with the cards and yesterday and today I've been making card holders out of plastic canvas and yarn. It's going to take me a few more days, but then I'll go out and start posted the whole deal around town. J. said that I would have to get permission to post in the university's campus center. I have to work up the courage to ask and to go to the counseling centers, too. I really hope a few people take me seriously and join the group and start posting, but I'll have to wait and see.

I have to say that lately I've been feeling pretty happy, very little depression, ever since I started the diet and exercise program (which I'm still doing). I have to wait and see with this too because I have had the tendency to go up and down in my moods. Still, this feels different, not particularly manic, just energized and hopeful. Maybe I'm finally getting myself together. I thank my online friends and my family and the Higher Power that's given me some creative ability.

Common Sense (And Another Portrait)

This is Bev's youngest son, Kevin. Like Liana's portrait it is painted in gouache which is a more opaque version of watercolor. I really like the gouache and I enjoyed drawing and painting Kevin's portrait. His look is so open and so serious. He has very nice eyes. I particularly like the bandana he is wearing; there's even a yin/yang sign visible on the right side. I got in touch with Bev and will hopefully see her for lunch on Monday. I'm planning on trying to paint a portrait of her as well because I have a good photograph that I took of her several years ago. So I will give all the paintings to her when I see her. I'm looking forward to getting a photograph of her eldest son, Zach and also one of her boyfriend, Jeff.

I'm still eating sensibly, counting calories and getting nearly daily exercise. Last week I lost another pound and I'm hoping that I'll have lost yet another pound by Monday morning. The longer I stick with this, the more committed I'll be and I will lose the extra weight I've put on, most of it by this time next year.

I got my online support group cards today in the mail. I have to make card holders to put them in and I also want to make up fliers to generally explain the cards and draw attention to them. I've set a deadline to start posting them by this time next week. I hope some people respond and we can get a dialogue going. I can't be the only person who thinks that this is a good idea, but I'll have to wait and see.

I've been productive since I started the diet and exercise program a month ago. I've been reading more, painting more and even doing some singing and songwriting. The voices have also been more subdued. I don't know if that's because of the diet and exercise program, but it might just factor into it. When it comes to treating mental illness, I think a lot of it is about applying common sense to the problem. It's just sometimes it takes a while to get to that point. It's taken me ten years to get to this point. I think part of why it's taken me a decade is that I wouldn't take the medications (except Prozac) for the first three years which led to three breakdowns which led to taking the meds, but also to serious depression. If I had accepted my diagnosis right away and began taking the medications, if I had not only went to therapy, but had a mental health support group to go to online and offline, well maybe I would have gotten better sooner. But I didn't and we each have to go through our own trials and tribulations to learn our lessons and get to a better place. Which is why it's important to help others along the way by sharing your experience and giving some hope that things really can get better given the right attention and time.

One thing that bothers me is the gulf between those that are still caught within paranoia and delusions and those that are in recovery from them. This is why I am such a believer in support groups even though I've never been to a face to face mental health support group other than Al-Anon. I think people who are in recovery, whether just starting out or with many years of experience, really can influence those who are not in recovery, but the lines of communication must be open and readily available. Blogs by those who have mental illness are also a great way to spread the news that recovery is possible. If there ever is a face to face support group where I live I think I would want to keep a list of the various blogs I've found to pass out to newcomers.

Something else that is sorely needed is a simple daily reader for people with mental illness. I've looked online, in bookstores and I haven't found even one! I've even tried to start writing one of my own, but it's too big a job for me to do. I think it needs to be a collaboration between people. I learned from Al-Anon that a daily reader is a great way to organize a support group meeting. I've also found it to be essential to a daily recovery practice. Does anyone have any ideas? I'd also love to hear about your experiences with mental health support groups. How are they organized?

Good Habits

Three weeks on a diet, exercising almost everyday for an average of 50 minutes a day. As of last Monday I have lost 1 and 1/2 pounds, but I will weigh myself again tomorrow morning. I should have lost between 1/2 pound and a pound more this week. Slow and steady, in it for the long haul... I've been keeping an offline and an online log of what I've been eating. To do that requires a certain amount of discipline in calculating the calories of specific foods. I keep my food log close at hand and bring it into the kitchen with me when I prepare my meals. Then at night, before I got to bed, I go online to Anne Collins' forum and post what I ate, drank and how much I exercised, along with any comments I can think of.

I started out following a meal plan, but didn't have all the ingredients and so I'm only following some of the recipes. The dinners are rather large and I might cut back on them if I don't keep losing some weight each week. Basically, I've just been getting used to eating regular, healthy meals and getting daily exercise. I find establishing a daily routine is what keeps me on my diet and exercise program. At least so far it has been working for me, but I need to stick with it longer to make it a permanent lifestyle change.

I saw my therapist this week and talked mainly about two things: the diet and exercise program and my desire to push myself to start a mental health support group in town. I told her that I began enthusiastic about the Anne Collins program and then after a week and a half got a little depressed. Somehow making meals for myself made me feel lonely and I also felt down about just how long it would take to lose the weight. My therapist said that even if I didn't lose any weight at all, I was improving my life by eating healthy and exercising and that I should feel good about this. I said I needed more time to get used to the change.

Then I told her that I had contacted the minister about starting a support group, but that the minister implied that it might be more difficult to start a group than I imagined. My therapist concurred saying that people worried about confidentiality. She said she knew some people who would go to the AA meeting in town from quite a distance away so that they could reduce the risk of having their illness found out by their local communities (neighbors, employers, etc...). I decided to go ahead and form an online mental health group, advertise it and see if anyone in the community responds to it and/or to the idea of starting a face to face group. An online group would give access to support, but would allow for anonymity, so I figured that was a good place to start.

I went home and formed a Google group, wrote an introduction and then ordered business cards with the group's name, email address and web address. On the cards I had written--"Get Support. Give Support. Fight Stigma." I debated about whether to include "Fight Stigma", but decided to include it because I do believe that stigma prevents so many people from coming forward and getting the help they need and deserve. Making the choice to join an online support group is a simple way to stand up for yourself and in doing that, I believe you fight stigma. I should get the cards by the end of this week and then I'll have to go into action and start posting them all over the place, especially on the two college campuses; then I will wait to see if anyone has the interest or the courage to post online.

I just went looking through the yellow pages under psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors and social workers in this area and was surprised by how few of them there are. My psychiatrist is one of the major ones, not because he is so extraordinary, but because there are so few. He works in two other towns as well.

All in all I'm feeling pretty good. In fact, I'm impressed with myself for sticking to the diet and exercise plan for three weeks. Chris has said if you can keep up a new behavior for 21 days, you're on the road to making it a habit. May it be so. As for the online support group, the test will be me getting off my butt and advertising it in the community. If I can do that, I'll be proud of myself. It will be the first time I've put myself out there in several years.

Mortality and Resolutions

I've been in Florida for just about a week. The weather has been lovely, far from the snow laden north/northwest and I have gone to the beach with my family twice. No problems on this end, though I have been worrying somewhat about my mother who, at age 80, is definitely starting to slow down. My father told me sometime this year that my mother has been diagnosed as having congestive heart failure, but it seems that the vast quantities of pills that she takes each day are doing much to extend her life. She has not talked about all this with Rob or me and so we have not talked about it with her. She seems happy and well adjusted and hopeful. I'm just happy to be spending some quality time with her. I have been recording my family's conversations, some of which have been quite interesting and will listen to them when I return home.

I know mortality is not much of a holiday topic, but it has been on my mind. My father, who is 82, gave me a long memo on what to do in case someone in the family dies. Morbid, yes, but necessary and I appreciate him taking the time to spell the procedure out for me, though I confess I have not read it through yet and probably won't till I'm settled back home. I don't really want to read it, but I know I must. My father has a rare form of leukemia that is very fortunately treatable, but still we don't know how long he will be around either. I guess it's normal to think of the death of one's parents once they've reached the age of 80. Also I don't get to see them very often, so that when I do, I wonder-will this be the last time?

My brother takes after my mother in that they are both talkative people. If my mother were to pass away, there would be a serious gap in our family. This is really the first time that I've considered the possibility and yet it is just a fact of life. None of us live forever. Of course, I do not want either of my parents to ever die, but I know, on a certain level, that I need to psychologically prepare for the eventuality. Having said that, I also know that I should not dwell on it and should make the most of the present moments of relative health and wellness.

Right now, we are all alive and well and enjoying each other's company. My parent's apartment is not quite big enough for me to have a room of my own, so I have been sleeping in the living room at night. For the most part this has been fine, but now I am beginning to get restless. I will be ready to leave on Friday and head back to my home, though I will miss the warm and sunny weather of my parent's home as I will miss my parent's company. I need to make a point of staying in touch with them, something I have not been doing so much these last 6 months.

The voices have been mostly quiet this trip. For some reason when I am in someone else's environment and living with their structure for a week or so, the voices recede only to return when I resume my solitude. That should tell me something about the need for human contact and for some structure in my life. And it does, but I still have a lot of trouble with both. I told my mother that I was going to try and volunteer where Bev works, a Catholic charities organization. She thought it was a good idea, but only if I enjoyed it and she suggested that I volunteer for a month to start with to see if I can handle it. I'm hoping that I can and that I do enjoy it, it would be a godsend if I did, giving my life some usefulness and purpose and curbing my reclusive tendencies. I will have to be interviewed by Bev's boss and checked out to make sure I'm not some kind of felon. I will be open about my schizophrenia.

So that's a New Year's resolution. Another resolution is to communicate with a local minister to discuss my situation and my need (and other's need) for some kind of support group. I have her email address and will just have to take the plunge and reveal my story to her. My therapist has met the minister several times and says she is very approachable. I've gone to church once or twice and listened to her sermons and also got a good impression of her. I really should be happy that there is someone to go to in my town with my request, I just wish I knew more about what starting a support group entails.

Anyway, happy and safe holidays to all and hopefully I will pick up the pace with writing in this blog when I get home again.

This Past Week

My clothes arrived this past Thursday and they all fit except for a jacket which I will return for a refund. When I tried them on I had to face the fact that it's past time to lose the weight I've put on. So for the past four days I've been exercising on an inexpensive version of a stairmaster and have been cutting back on how much I eat. So far I've lost two and a half pounds. I want to continue exercising daily till I leave for my five day trip to Charleston, South Carolina on June 4th. During the trip I know we will be doing a lot of walking, so that will help me, though I know I will eat a good dinner each night, even dessert as a treat. I'm hoping that after the trip I will continue to exercise once a day. Christina once told me that if you want to make an activity a habit, do it for twenty one days straight. Well, I should hit that mark before I leave. So far, I've been enjoying the exercise. I watch DVDs and that helps the time go by more quickly. I work out soon after I wake up. I find my appetite has diminished too.

I had my eyes tested last Wednesday and picked out a frame. I've noticed within the last six months that my eyesight has gotten worse. I have trouble reading the menus on my satellite programming even when I'm a few feet away from the screen. And night time driving, which I dislike anyway, has become more difficult. I had my eyes tested a little over two years ago and didn't need to get new glasses, but now these glasses, which I've had for many years, are starting to fall apart, so I decided this time I would get new glasses. The examination didn't take long and my eyes, though a bit more near sighted, are fine. I was told on my last visit two years ago that sometime in a person's forties the eyes start to get noticeably worse. Well, I've hit that mark. I can't complain because my eyesight has been fairly good, now I just need to wear the glasses for distance viewing. I can read the computer screen just fine and also have no problems reading books and magazines without glasses, so I don't yet need bifocals.

I went out with my brother on Saturday night to see someone named Bill Kirchen and his band play at the Creative Arts Center in a nearby town. The Creative Arts Center just opened sometime last year and it's been doing really well. They give classes in painting, drawing, pottery, cooking, craft making, writing (that's where I took the writing workshop). They have a large coffee shop where there are music performances on Fridays nights(local bands) and Saturdays nights (national bands). They also have an amateur night once a week and a movie night too though I haven't been to either. A few weeks back they had a poetry slam. Now that the weather is so much better I'm going to try to get over there every week or so. Aside from the university, there's a dearth of cultural activity so this arts center is a real boon. And the performance on Saturday was excellent. I found myself yelling out shouts of appreciation along with other people in the audience. That felt good. We got there early so we could get good seats. I got myself dinner: a red pepper/mozzarella panini sandwich and a cafe mocha. Then the band played two sets. All in all we were there for about four hours heading home around midnight. At first I thought I'd be nervous being around people but the atmosphere was so relaxed and welcoming I felt as if I fit in too. When I got home I turned on my small amplifier and started playing my electric guitar and singing for around an hour and a half. I discovered a couple of weeks ago that a very good local guitarist is giving guitar lessons. I'm going to email him and see if he has any time available.

Today I put on some of my nice clothes and went to work at the local library. I was surprised by how good the clothes made me feel. They're not fancy or anything but comfortable, presentable and well made. The artist in me liked the feel of the clothes and the colors. I even put on an inexpensive necklace and earrings to complete the outfit. I think my mother will be pleased with the choices I made when I see her in June. They only needed me at the library for an hour and a half. They have a rotating collection of audiobooks. The librarian had me pack up each audiobook, checking them off a list as I went along so they could send this bunch out and receive a new bunch. The director of the library wants me to be more familiar with their collection and layout before I start shelving books. I'm going to go in in a couple of days and thoroughly check it out. It's a small library, only two rooms but they have quite a good collection. There's an interlibrary loan system with fifteen to twenty libraries participating in this area. I can go online, pick out a book and have the town library order it for me. The one library card is good in all of the libraries too and I can return what I take out to any of the libraries. It's a really good system which I haven't yet taken full advantage of (but I will). The people who were working there seemed pleasant and capable. There was some good natured joking going on. I especially like the director who was friendly and patient. I think I'm going to enjoy working there.

Tonight I went to the Monday night Al-Anon meeting still wearing my nice (not yet covered with cat hair) clothing. Someone asked me to chair the meeting so I did since we all take turns. One of today's readings was about the difference between submission and surrender. The first of the twelve steps goes like this: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable." This step implies surrender to something beyond our control and a realization that we need help. This surrender leads to a gradual acceptance of the situation. In contrast, when we submit to our powerlessness we don't really accept it and we still want to control it through self-will. As it says in this reading, we want to "play God", we want to have power over others so that we can change them to fit our specifications. Al-Anon teaches again and again that we don't have the power to change others, only ourselves and so the focus should be on ourselves. This doesn't mean we can't offer support to others, but it does mean that when we want to start controlling others behaviors that we should stop and take a good look at ourselves instead. Why can't we let go? Why do we have to insist on our own point of view? I know I personally am finding this hard to learn. A part of me wants to insist on my own point of view but if my point of view is hurting more than helping another, then I want to stop my unmanageable behavior. I want to surrender to the fact that I don't have all the answers.

I feel good about what I accomplished this week. I got myself out of my house and engaged in the life around me. This week gives me hope that I'm progressing in my recovery from schizophrenia.

A Short Update

I went to see my therapist today. I won't be seeing her for a month because she's having major surgery done on one of her feet and she'll be confined to a bed or chair for several weeks. I brought her two books to read that she had previously expressed an interest in, The Year Of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion and The Spiral Staircase by Karen Armstrong. I also brought her a DVD of the film Babel. If you haven't seen Babel I encourage you to see it. It's not your standard fare and it's very well done. As the name suggests it's multinational. It takes place in Morocco, the U.S., Japan and Mexico and there are three interconnected story lines. Anyway, I had wanted J. to see it as she had heard it was good. She's dreading the surgery and also the month of having her foot propped up. I will miss her.

I told her how I had been writing a lot in this blog and that I sometimes got a little sick of myself, how I thought I was talking a good game but not putting my words into action. I mentioned that I wanted to go to the church across the street from her office on Sunday. Luckily she had met the pastor and said she was very approachable and encouraged me to try talking to her. Well, that was a bit of a relief and made me determine even more strongly to go this Sunday, if only just to hear the sermon. I have three reasons for choosing this church, one, it's right in town, just a few minutes from my house, two, I've been there once before and three because the pastor is a woman. I don't know if I'm a sexist because of it but I feel more comfortable approaching a female pastor. At least I assume I will. If I could have my way all my doctors would be female, too. So, I've kind of lucked out in this case. How many female ministers are there out there? Still, not enough I think but perhaps this is changing.

I decided yesterday that after my therapy session I would go to the local town library and ask if they needed any help. This library is quite small though not as small as the name of the library implies: Box Of Books, but they stay open now five days a week. Fortunately for me they do need help, so I will begin working there on Monday afternoons starting on the 14th. Then after that I can go to my Al-Anon meeting. I am pleased that I've taken the first step and I will be quite content to be around books, content to finally be useful. I notice on the NAMI message boards that a definite percentage of those suffering from mental illness work at volunteer jobs. Those people are an inspiration to me. And there are even those who work at paying jobs. It lifts my spirits to know this.

In a month I will go on a trip to Charleston, South Carolina with my family. Every Spring there is a two week (I think) festival called Piccolo Spoleto and it's lovely. We'll be there almost five days and four nights. There's music and theatre and art shows and good restaurants. This will be the first year that my brother's ever gone. I've gone about four times already and I've had an excellent time every time. I don't get to see my parents very often so this is a treat in more ways than one. So, I've decided to buy some new clothes for the trip. I've been putting off getting good clothes for several years because I was hoping that I would lose the weight I've put on. Well, I've lost some weight but still have more to lose but this year I'm just a bit too sick of what I usually wear. My mother is pleased that I will be getting some new clothes. She always dresses comfortably but with a lot of taste. I'm hoping to emulate her.

Not much more to say for tonight. Tomorrow is a shopping day with my brother which I know I'll enjoy, especially since I get to eat out at a Chinese restaurant. I hope you are all well (safe, healthy, happy and useful).

Hoping To Walk The Walk

It struck me today that with all my talk about pacifism and practicing lovingkindness that I am talking the talk more than walking the walk. Yes, I am a peaceful person who wishes everyone well and I include prayer in my life, but I don't go out into my community and get to work helping others. It's strange because I was more active helping others when I was most sick, mainly because my voices tormented me into reaching out. Their method was horrible but the intent was still good. Unfortunately I associate being helpful to others with severe psychosis. I was in so much pain, all I wanted to do was hide in a hole. The voices threatened me with hell if I didn't help others. Helping others helped me for a time, got me to think outside the box of my illness. Then I returned to school and struggled with depression. Now it's been two years since I graduated from school. I think I've had enough time on my own to return to helping others. It's my own self-imposed isolation that bars my way and the only way out of that isolation is to reach out to others again. If I could do it when I was in so much pain, then I should be able to do it again now that I am no longer suffering so much.

I may have some big ideas (which I will probably push on you again) but in reality I feel pretty small. I'm just so used to being on my own, to hiding away, to bothering no-one and letting no-one bother me. When I was younger I was hyper sensitive to people and would feel exhausted after being with them for a few hours. At home with my family it was always understood that any of us could retire to our rooms when we felt like it. We had the luxury of living in a house with a lot of space. Now I still have the space but no family around me and I've grown accustomed to my solitude. But this solitude, which feels comfortable to me, is not really healthy. It's not enough to just not hurt others, I must do my part and be helpful. Pema Chodron, a well known Buddhist nun, calls the way I live living inside one's ego, shutting the world out and trying to make everything comfortable. But the world isn't always so comfortable and the point of life is not to be comfortable but to be good and to be good you've got to be giving. Generous with your time and resources, willing to take risks, to put yourself out there. Will I become willing?

Though I am not a Christian, I would like to go to church on Sunday but I am afraid to go alone. I'd like to go to church to listen to the sermon and then to talk to the pastor and see if there is any volunteer work in town. Why am I so afraid of people? My experience with people is that they've been kind and generous to me, but still I am too shy of strangers. I need someone to be a bridge for me, to guide me but because I am alone I have only myself. I have to tell myself that I have had the courage to return to Al-Anon and to resume therapy and that I can go on my own to church. Do any of you go to church?
What's your experience of it like? Were you first taken by a family member or a friend? It's hard for me to understand that for most Americans the idea of going to church is commonplace. My family's atheistic roots makes the idea of going to church a bit daunting. Even my parents for quite a few years after they moved down to Florida went to and supported a Unitarian church but then both my parents grew up going to church. My point of reference is pretty minimal. I have no sense of the community that is built up around going to church once a week. The only thing I can compare it to is an Al-Anon meeting. But an Al-Anon meeting is small and informal whereas a church meeting is larger and formal. It's funny but one of my worries is will I have anything decent to wear? But then I wonder, shouldn't it be okay even if I come in jeans and a T-shirt? I would like to talk to the pastor privately just to introduce myself and also to tell her that I suffer from schizophrenia but would be very willing to help out in any way I could. I'm scared to do that too... Ugh, I've gone down a hole and now I'm finding it hard to get out of it. The only cure for it is to dive right in. Do you remember what it's like to get into the ocean or lake or pool on a hot day, how it feels both good but shockingly cold at first. Well, that's how I imagine going to church. Cold in the sense that it's just very new.

You know, now that I think about it, maybe I should just try to go to church a couple times before I approach the pastor, sneak in somewhere in the back and slip out at the end of the sermon. Do this till I'm familiar with the place and let people get used to me too. I know it seems silly but I feel really self-conscious about going. When I first went to Al-Anon meetings, initially I just went and didn't speak and left. I did this until I was comfortable enough to say something. Okay, that's the plan, to go to church (even in jeans) this Sunday, enjoy the sermon and the service and slip out. There is a woman who I met at Al-Anon who goes to the church I'm planning to go to. I went to church with her once when I was still quite sick. Maybe I'll see her there. Okay, any feedback on this within the next few days would be much appreciated! Wish me luck.