A Recovery Blog

This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness and addiction. I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write, by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist and 12 Step ideas and concepts. I claim that the yin/yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense, method and even a kind of balance. We are more resilient than we think. We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale. A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest, when we reach out for help, when we tell our stories.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Preparing For A Northern Christmas

I've stayed home for Christmas several times before, mainly when I've had psychotic symptoms that I couldn't cope with when I travelled to visit my parents in Florida.  This is the first Christmas I will be staying home with my brother Rob.  He's been depressed lately and I'm pretty sure it has to do with not going to Florida.  He often stays for at least a month, whereas I only stay for a week because I have seven cats to look after.

Last week I got Rob an early Christmas present, a basic cell phone.  I upgraded to the family plan and got a new line for him.  He's been without long distance for a very long time now and this means he's out of touch with our parents.  Rob has always been  much better at staying in touch with them than I have been, but not this past year.  I also wanted him to have a cell phone because from time to time he walks home drunk from the local bars and has fallen several times.  I want him to be able to call for help if he needs it.  But Rob made it clear the other night that he does not like the phone I chose to give him.  He is the kind of person who does serious research before buying equipment whereas I am (I admit it) an impulse buyer.  He was pissed with me not doing the research.  Actually I did try, but there are so many cell phones out there that I got overwhelmed.  I'm hoping that he will get used to the phone and keep it.  He's got only about 10 days to decide, after that we can't return it.  There's also a $35 fee to return it.

Rob's response to my well-intentioned present has brought me down too.  I was tentatively supposed to go out to lunch with him today, but decided against it because neither of us feel good and I don't want to deal with him bitching at me.  He will come over to my house by the end of the week and stay for a few days till after Christmas.  He might cook something for Christmas day.  I've been making toll house cookies and plan to make cocoa banana nut bread, spinach lasagna and vegetable paella.  I got all the ingredients the other day.  I don't cook very often, but when I do cook, it usually comes out well.  It's easier to cook for others instead of just for myself.  That's one of the good things about the holiday so far.  That and not having to travel during the height of holiday season and not having to worry about my cats.  I'd like to try to make it a good time for Rob.  He'll have presents from me and my mother to open and the use of my high speed internet connection and my company.  I think it will be all right.

I talked with Sam tonight and invited her over to my house on Tuesday evening to have a meal and drink some wine and stay the night.  Luckily I have a guest bedroom downstairs which also acts as my computer room, so whoever sleeps in this room gets to also have access to a computer.  So anyway, she said yes.  Tomorrow she's having her truck worked on at the auto shop, but Tuesday night should be free for her.  I asked her to call me and let me know what happened with her truck and whether I should plan on picking her up or not.

I haven't had anyone but my brother stay the night in years, so this is a step forward for me.  I also don't      often get drunk.  I don't really want to get drunk.  I don't know if I want to go that far, so I'm going to make the spinach lasagna for us to eat first and try to drink slowly.  I'm debating about whether to bring the electric guitar and the amp out into the living room.  If I do get a buzz off the wine, I might be willing to sing a song or two and/or let Sam play for me.  I haven't heard her play yet.  All I know is she has practiced much more than I have on how to actually play the instrument.  So it will be a pleasure to hear her play.  I also might play a song on the piano.  It's a classical song by Bartok called Sorrow.  I loved it when I played it as a teenager.  I actually studied the piano all through high school and even got up to Bach's Two Part Inventions.  I was proud of that, but I never took it farther.  What  got me playing again was a film Sam lent me about a musical family.

I haven't asked Richard if he'd be willing to forgo his $500 yet to give to Sam.  I've decided that I'm going to offer her $250 regardless of whether Richard donates the money or not.  I got some extra money as a refund from my health insurance this fall and I still have some of it left, so I can afford to be a little generous.  I still don't know if Sam will accept it, but I hope she will.  I have to see Richard this week, before Christmas, in order to give him some cookies and gift cards for his children, maybe a little extra cash for them too.  I did get to see him and his son Aaron today, but they couldn't stay long.  Aaron, who is 20, seemed very grown up to me this time.  And Richard struck me as being particularly respectful towards his son.  It was good to see them together.

Not much else to say for now.  I'm wishing you all a safe and happy holiday!

2 comments:

Karen May Sorensen said...

Dear Kate,

I know its hard to keep good relations with siblings, but in the end its worth it. I wish your brother had been a little happier about the phone, I hope you can return it and get him what he wants. He sounds a little spoiled. Then again, men are pretty serious when it comes to technical gear. My husband stays very current on what is new and techi and even if he can't afford it and doesn't buy it, he knows about it.

I do whatever I can to keep relations between my brother and sister smooth. I have to admit that I make more of an effort to have contact then they do, but in the end it doesn't matter because at least I have a relationship with them. Come to think of it, my sister is pretty generous with me. Twice she's paid for me to come and visit her in California, both times putting my husband and I up in a hotel. I don't doubt that I am loved and respected. Pretty lucky about that. But always, our relationship is long distance, with meetings rare. You and your brother have much more face time, and that can lead to quarrels because you are past the stage of being polite (what I'm stuck in) and on to being honest and immediate.

It sounds like you are planning all the right things to having a good Christmas. You wouldn't believe my objection to Christmas. It takes away from my doing artwork. Yes, I don't like holidays because I make less art during them. But this year, when I see my relatives, I'm bringing a notebook and in free time I'm going to do a little drawing. So I might resent the holiday's a little less if I can walk away from them having made some creative progress.

Yesterday I painted a trombone, today I paint a french horn. They aren't really like any instruments in existence, they are my fantasy, but its fun to see them take on color and form with paint.

With any luck I can paint a bass violin too before I get caught up in Christmas holiday moving about and preparation.

Good food you described, made my mouth water just reading about it. I hope you have a lovely Christmas, and that your brother and Sam and Richard get in the spirit. Yesterday we bought some good beer to give as a present to our neighbor upstairs (he has to put up with listening to our t.v, the soundproofing is awful) and my husband longingly refrained from buying any for himself. For a treat I'm going to buy what he chose for the neighbor (of course it is what he wishes for himself) and surprise him with it on Christmas. Maybe even I'll buy a bottle of wine for myself. Holidays are for excess! Anyway, the next day you can just sleep late and stay in bed if you wish.

It takes some time to recuperate from Christmas.

All my love,
Karen

Chris said...

Hi Kate,

Enjoy your visit, I'm so proud of you for taking that step.

A joyous and happy holiday to you!

Chris