E. Fuller Torrey, M.D. -- A Wounded Zealot

I bought the book Surviving Schizophrenia: A Manual For Families, Consumers, And Providers by E. Fuller Torrey, M.D. (4th edition) sometime after the year 2001. In the fall of 2001 I had returned to art school, but was not taking any anti-psychotic medications. At first I was doing quite well, but by the end of the semester I had crashed into my last psychotic break. By the beginning of 2002, I was committed to taking the medications. I bought the book at a Border's bookstore in Rochester. I was drawn to the title because that's what I wanted, to survive the illness. I opened to the first chapter; it was called Dimensions Of The Disaster, not Dimensions of the Illness, or Problem or Puzzle, but Dimensions of DISASTER. Disaster conjures up visions of tornadoes, tsunamis, earthquakes and in it's wake destruction and death. And at that point in my life, I could accept that pronouncement because I had just survived for the third time in three years, something disastrous--a psychotic break with reality. As I skimmed through the book, it seemed to be one that would answers many, many questions. And later, on the NAMI message boards for schizophrenia, I would see it referred to as the "Bible" on schizophrenia. But too many times as I read through some chapters, I kept getting tripped up by the negative and dogmatic attitude interspersed throughout it. So I put the book down and forgot about it.

A little over a week ago I picked it up seeking to once again expand my knowledge of my illness so that I could write an informed essay on some aspect of schizophrenia or of my personal experience with it. I remembered that I had been skeptical about it in the past, but thought I would give it another chance. I skipped the first chapter and went directly to the second entitled The Inner World Of Madness: View From The Inside. My first thought was that Mr. Torrey was being a bit presumptuous. He did not suffer from schizophrenia and he could not know about it from the inside. As I read I saw that he did include the perspective of some people who did suffer from schizophrenia and some of that was interesting, but still I thought the tone was off. I had the thought that I might write an article that challenged some of Torrey's perspectives, but first I wanted to get the newest edition, after all he might have changed his position in the intervening years. The newest 5th edition dates from 2006. I ordered the book and got it today.

Right away I compared the two editions to see what had changed and what had remained the same. I felt like a detective...or a journalist. On the cover I noticed that the word "Consumers" in the title had been changed to "Patients". The next thing I noticed was that the first "Disaster" chapter had been moved almost all the way to the back of the book and the second insider view of "madness" had been pushed up to the opening spot. I'm not going to review all the changes, just one that particularly drew my attention. In the 4th chapter, Onset, Course, And Prognosis, towards the end of it the author fit in amongst the sections something titled The "Recovery Model". I thought, yes, now maybe we're getting somewhere good. I believe in the "recovery model" and was hoping that he was starting to, too. No such luck. Mr. Torrey writes: "The 'recovery model' has no foundation in scientific studies or data. It has its roots in mid-twentieth-century exhortations about 'the power of positive thinking' and similar self-help movements....The problem with the 'recovery model' is that it places unrealistic expectations on individuals who suffer from schizophrenia and their families. If the person does not recover, then it must be because they are not trying hard enough. This is like telling individuals with acute polio that they can walk if they just try hard enough; the reality is otherwise."

Here is a little bit of background on Mr. Torrey: He was born in Utica, New York in 1936 and got his bachelor's degree magna cum laude from Princeton, his medical degree from the McGill University School of Medicine, a master's degree in anthropology from Stanford University and also trained in psychiatry there as well. His sister Rhoda was diagnosed as having schizophrenia in 1957. In the 1940s and 50s there was a strong tendency, due in part to Freudian psychoanalysis, to place blame for schizophrenia on poor parenting, especially poor mothering. Mr. Torrey has said that this had a strong and negative effect on his mother and obviously on him too, to some extent. Meanwhile, his sister has never recovered and has mostly lived in psychiatric hospitals.

Personal experience tends to color everything and create certain preferences, beliefs and even prejudices. Mr. Torrey seems to have dedicated his life to helping those who suffer from mental illness, and their loved ones, learn to cope better through education. The problem is that his education has serious flaws, particularly since he is in a position of influence, a position he has been known to use to his advantage on occasion. What's tricky in his book is that his obvious negative prejudice is interwoven with elements that are also accurate or at least sensible. I certainly wouldn't say--throw the book away, nor would I say that Mr. Torrey's life is so misguided as to be wasted. But I do say, that he is too quick to throw out the idea that schizophrenia goes beyond the biological and into the psychosocial and even spiritual realms. His view is dry. It doesn't lack heart, it lacks insight, the insight of precisely those he is trying to help.

Of the "recovery model" he writes that it "has been widely extolled by a few individuals who had an episode of schizophrenia, or some related illness, from which they recovered. As such, these individuals fall into the category of the 25 percent of patients who completely recover. What these individuals are saying is: 'If I did it, so can you!'" I don't believe that those of us who do move in the direction of recovery are as few as Mr. Torrey seems to think. In fact, I think as society gradually begins to change its views on mental illness, deflating the stigma attached to it, more and more people will venture out to new territory and start to spread their wings.

I did not have one "episode" of schizophrenia and I am not fully recovered, but I am proud of how far I have come, proud that I survived the acute stage of my illness. I was acutely ill for years and then for years depressed. This recovery of mine has been hard won and is precious to me. Mr. Torrey thinks he is a realist, but I think he is more of a fatalist, which is odd for a doctor. A good attitude and positive feedback, a creative approach and natural intelligence along with yes, medicine and a great deal of patience is what I call living in recovery and it is good enough. Low expectations create a low level of living. I know you should dare to dream, if only just a little at a time. If you take away the dream, you not only lessen the quality of life, you shorten life itself. There may be no scientific data on that, but that doesn't detract from its veracity. The science of the body is not all there is, though it is important and before we return to dust let us embrace our spirit which is so much greater than just "the power of positive thinking".

Taking The First Steps Towards Freelance Writing

On Tuesday January 26th I made up a Workflow sheet that is divided into five headings: 1. Work on Memoirs -- Research, 2. Work on Memoirs -- Writing Exercises, 3. JournalBook Transcription, 4. Magazine Article Research, and 5. Magazine Article Writing. Each day I keep track of what I work on and how much time I spend on each project/assignment. So far, except for today, I've worked 10 consecutive days and an average of 7.5 hours a day. Actually I started out working about 5 hours and then jumped up to 9-11 hours a day. The main point is that I am attempting to work full time at writing and researching. I know full well that I have a bad tendency to get very involved in a creative project and then switch to something different after a month or two. I will be watching myself closely to see if I do the same thing with this venture. Right now I am hopeful and what's more I'm becoming much more organized, which I think may be a key to any success.

I invested in 5 freelance writing related books, all of which I am finding are very useful and motivating. The most important book for a freelance writer, whether a beginner or a seasoned professional, is the Writer's Market 2010. I got the deluxe edition which includes online access to writersmarket.com for a year where there are even more listings for consumer magazines, trade magazines and also literary agents and book publishers. The price at Amazon.com was about $31. The book alone costs about $20. It's worth the money if you're serious about writing for magazines, which is the direction I'm heading in. Which leads me to my next book in order of importance: Writing For Magazines 2nd edition (2005) by Cheryl Sloan Wray. This book is a bit pricey, $40 new from Amazon, $35 new from other sellers on Amazon and $27 used from other sellers on Amazon, not including shipping and handling. Still, I'm finding that, though the book is not a big book and is a paperback, it is worth the money. Why? Because she takes you step by step through the process of not only doing the actual essay/article writing itself (research, outlines, stylistic approaches, grammar and punctuation, etc...), but also of understanding the business side of writing for magazines. This is the book I have been putting a chunk of my time into reading each day. If you do decide to buy this book, be sure to get the 2nd edition.

The next three books are geared most specifically towards the business side of freelance writing. They are not absolutely essential to have, but I have found them to be useful in understanding writing as a business venture, rather than as purely a creative venture. I'm going to list them according to my preference. The first one is called Make a Real Living as a Freelance Writer: How to Win Top Writing Assignments by Jenna Glatzer (2004).

The goal of this book is guide the reader towards a full time career as a magazine writer; it is just as useful for someone like me who might work full time, but only earn part time wages, at least during the first couple of years of trying to enter the market. She really gives you an insider's view into the business, and also, she can be pretty funny too, which I appreciate. Right now, you can buy it new at Amazon for about $14, and, again, it's worth it, especially in conjunction with the two previous books.

The second book is similar to Ms. Glatzer's book and it's called Six Figure Freelancing: The Writer's Guide To Making More Money by Kelly James-Enger (2005). Obviously, this book is about full time freelancing. Ms. James-Enger started out as a lawyer, no mean feat in itself, and then quit her job to become a full-time freelance writer. She went from earning $17,000 her first year to earning more that $100,000 her sixth year. I've only gotten a third of the way through this book and it is good so far, though her style is serious and not as funny as Ms. Glatzer's style. Still, I'm am going to read it through and learn all I can from her very business like approach to her career. You can buy her book new on Amazon for about $11.

The last book I bought is called Writer Profits: "How I Got the Gig" Volume 1 : 15 Writers Tell How They Get Paying Gigs--and How YOU Can, Too", Edited by Susan M. Carter (2007). This book is a little uneven in its presentation, but still interesting because it gives you a view into different writers' approaches to writing. Some are full time workers, some part time and some do it for the love of it. Some write books, other write for magazines, some are technical writers, etc... There's a lot of practical advice given out from each writer and, not surprisingly, the styles vary from one to another. You can get it new from Amazon for $15 or new from other sellers on Amazon for just under $8.

Basically, what I'm getting out of these books is that earning money from writing is not an easy thing, you have to work at it the way you have to work at any job or career. But it is possible if you apply yourself and get very practical. You have to have a good attitude too. It is way too easy to get negative. Don't do that! I'm learning how to identify when I get negative and what I say to myself in those moods. Being negative is a waste of time, but it will happen, just don't let it take hold of you. Most of the authors of these books I'm reading say flat out, you WILL be rejected, over and over again. The key is not to stop trying. If one market doesn't respond to you, then try another. So have some faith in yourself, that's what I'm working on right now.

Looking Backwards

This is Brendan when he was about 19 in 1989 when he was on the soccer team at Alfred State College. I recently discovered a bunch of letters he wrote to me dating from Fall 1993, Fall 1995, 1997 and 1999 (a couple of months before he died). So I went looking for some photographs of him and I gathered up about 11 so far. This is one of the earliest photos.

In the Fall of 1993 we had been together for just under four years. He was firmly entrenched in his alcohol addiction and would go through regular cycles where he would be abusive towards me. In early October of that year he got a DWI (Driving While Intoxicated) and was put in jail. Neither I nor his family would bail him out--me because I was afraid of him and them because they thought they were teaching him a lesson. He stayed in jail for a couple of weeks, even through his 23rd birthday till I finally bailed him out. While in jail he started writing, first two letters to me and then a sort of journal of his experience in jail. I read through the letters and journal and then typed them up and printed them out.

Here he writes about the racism in the jail:

"Today my district or north dorm received our first black inmate. He is visibly frightened and for damn good reason. He will not leave with all of his skin. Today his lunch and dinner were both eaten before he even had a chance to smell them. Like a fool, I have now alienated myself within my own district by sharing meals with "them". The only whites willing to hang with me are the "religious" whites who enjoy my passion for argument. Unfortunately, I am not scared and feel no need to fear a severe beating. I have already handled the unpleasantries of trying to be punked. It is common knowledge that I would have to be nearly killed for anyone to own me. I am now wondering how I will deal with the inevitable "peppering" of this good natured, young (Black) man. There will be no hesitation within this "mob" to beat me silly if I do decide to jump in for what I know is right. It may sound dramatic, but I do not exaggerate here. You can smell the hatred."

Here he sounds intelligent and perceptive dealing with a hard situation and showing some justice in his actions, but as another week goes by he gets more and more angry, not surprisingly:

"I am back physically fighting the best I have ever fought, but still slow to realize you cannot give anyone, friends, family, ex-lovers, an inch. There is no reason to concern myself with K any longer. A woman with her evil mind and self-centered crap belong with her own kind. She will fool her "acquaintances" and future fucks, but not for long I hope. I do wish you well, but I am still an open wound."

A few days earlier he was writing to me saying "Please understand I did this. My mistake. I am not angry at all with you. You're the best. I love you." That was the heart of the problem for me, the switch from love to hate and so quickly. That he had some training as a boxer was no reassurance for me when he would turn his anger in my direction while we were living in isolation together in the house. And yet, I read his words and I find myself once again drawn to parts of the person he was.

A couple of years later about a month or so after I left him for the last time in the summer of 1995 he writes to me from a rehab in Pennsylvania called Chit-Chat:

"On Saturday when I leave, we hold what is called a bell ringing. The community lines up and I stand in the center at the end of two parallel lines. In front of me is a large brass bell. The community wishes me luck and tells me I have helped them and what we have shared. Each member holds my sobriety coin and "rubs sobriety" into it while telling me what the "special" things are that we did together. There are predictions and advice and then good luck, God Bless and I know/think you'll do all right out there. I then address the community as a whole and ring the bell once for a certain reason of my choice. I have chosen once for my God, once for my sobriety, once for you, once for the love and support of my family and once for the community as a whole. I am really looking forward to this because my chances look pretty good this time around. If you can, please come. (Still trying) If I thought I was being selfish, I wouldn't do this and you know I am not trying to hurt you. Don't give up on me just yet, I've been down, but not for the count. I'm on my feet and going to fight this with all the talents God has given me."

"The main reason I feel good about this (the bell ringing) is that I have seen at least ten patients quit and head right back out to get fucked up and fuck up their loved ones in the process. I stuck to it, worked my ass off to get all that I could out of this and for once in my life did what I was told without being an insecure wise ass. And the greatest part of it all is I listened. I know what I have to do. I have no choice, its my last chance. No mention to my parents please, but I fucked up my liver a bit, a lot for someone my age. The doctor says it will return to normal with abstinence (from booze), so I know what I cannot do any longer. Otherwise I am healthy as fuck."

Around the same time I was writing this in my journal:

"Made it from JFK to Binghampton. Tomorrow it's back to Alfred--to my house & cats & brother. Night before last I was disturbed by a call from Mrs. M. (Brendan's mom). She told Brendan that she'd been talking to me. When he asked for my number, she refused to tell him, but she agreed to call me and give me his number. Putting the ball in my court so to speak. She said he didn't like the rehab much and was talking about leaving. She said he wouldn't stay with them--he mentioned going back to Alfred--that or to Kingston with Scott--to her that would be like "putting a gun to his head". All this unnerved me & the idea of talking to him just at a time when I would be heading back home was too much. Of course "the parents" weren't happy either & Dad said I should call Mrs. M. and tell her to tell Brendan that I wasn't going to call. I called Mrs. M. & said I couldn't handle it and that I'd rather he didn't call me. That took some pressure off of me. The guilt is what gets me. I'm trying to break up & I can't be friend & supporter while I'm trying to distance myself. Still, I feel lousy about it. Six years is a long time to be with one person--and I can't help it if I feel a certain amount of love & affection for Brendan. Unfortunately because he's addicted to alcohol and has certain mental problems stemming from his family & community--it's no easy thing to keep a good balance--and my tendency is to give too much, ask too little and that's just not going to work for me anymore. I feel so sad. This is a dangerous time for me. Whether I like it or not, I've got to be cautious. I've also got to get involved with things outside of myself."

Looking back and reading both Brendan's letters and my journal of that time, I see he was serious about his sobriety and that if I had given him one more chance, he might have pulled through. But I didn't. I would come back into his life as a friend, but never again as a lover. The abuse was bad enough that I haven't been in another relationship since the night I left him in the summer of 1995. At first that was because I was trying to recover and then, almost as a delayed reaction, I became seriously mentally ill myself. I believed I was just too ill to be in a relationship even after I began to recover. And now, I just don't really want to be in a relationship. I'm finding that my creativity suffices. I get too isolated, but I still enjoy my own company.

I read in some book on domestic violence that it can take twice the time you were in a relationship to begin to heal from serious abuse. For me, because of the schizophrenia, it's taken till now to actually look back from where I came, to look at Brendan with some justice. Really, he was a good person living under some very hard circumstances. And now I'm able to miss him in a way I wasn't able to before. Maybe I can reflect some of the good things about him in my JournalBook. And so it's back to typing up his words and mine...

StoryMill

I got the word processing/data base program StoryMill last Wednesday, nearly a week ago. For the most part, it is a great program and I've been working with it each day. So far I've divided my projects into the memoir, my "journalbook" or a collection of excerpts from my journals from 1987 to the present, and essays and article ideas, research and writing. I'm also using an older word processing program called MacJournal that is meant for journaling and blogging. The StoryMill program is divided into chapters, characters, scenes, locations and research. So I've been getting organized naming the characters in my life and the locations I've been to, doing a lot of research and beginning to write.

I have been looking for people I knew in grade school and high school on Facebook and I've been finding a lot of people, but I won't contact them until I'm further along in the memoir. Right now, I'm just testing the waters, only time will tell if I commit to these projects and actually turn them into books and saleable essays and articles. I've ordered three books on the nuts and bolts approach to freelance writing because I am clueless about how to practically try and earn money through writing. I did do some research online about freelance writing jobs and they are definitely out there, but a lot of them look like drudgery work. Right now, while I'm financially supported, I want to aim high and go for selling essays to literary magazines and/or their yearly contests or to selling articles to well established magazines. I know the likelihood is that I will get a lot of rejection letters or emails, but that is part of the process. The main thing is to do the work, send it out and be stubborn and persistent. I'm just looking to get my foot in the door and earn some extra money.

The StoryMill program allows me to jump around in time. I can write about life in grade school and then jump forward and write about my first boyfriend and then jump way back and write about my mother's childhood in The Great Depression and then jump forward again and transcribe a more recent journal. I can also do a lot of research online. I've been cutting and pasting a bunch of stuff from the internet into the research section and character section of the program, both text and photographs. It's very cool. So I'm not stuck interminably in one place, but am free to wander and collect memories. In fact, the whole process has given me access to memories I thought I had lost forever due to my illness.

Back To Writing Seriously...And Reading

Well, I contacted the owner of the design studio and he said that he's not yet ready to hire me for more work because he's still working on different aspects of the project. What he is, is essentially a high level interior decorator, so he works on an an entire house or apartment and not just one small section, or so I believe because I've never really thought about it before. Sounds like kind of a cool job. I am so psyched that he responds to my artwork. May this will be the beginning of a long and fruitful connection between us...

Since I got sick 10 years ago, I've read books and magazines erratically. When I was young, especially in my 20s, I was a great reader, but then I got involved with Brendan and spent most of my time watching TV and videos of movies. Then I fell into deep psychosis and I literally couldn't read or watch TV, so I turned to craftwork and audiobooks. Now I am returning to reading again because I don't have TV, though I still watch movies from time to time. Ironically, I am also a book collector. I have a ton of them, many of them only partially read or not read at all. The other day I decided to pick out a novel to read and wound up reading a book by Nick Hornby called High Fidelity. The book was turned into a movie starring John Cusak which I saw a few years ago and liked. I think my brother got me the book sometime afterwards. Though the movie was set in Chicago I think, the book takes place in London, which to my mind is more interesting. It's about a 35 year old record store owner. His girlfriend leaves him for another man and he begins thinking about all the relationships he's had since he was 12 or 13. Some of the writing is laugh aloud funny and it got me thinking about when I was 12. From there I returned to working on my memoir and began writing in my journal again. I also ordered a word processing/data base program for my computer called StoryMill that's made for Mac computers. This program is designed for writing books, especially novels. It's very well organized and even has a feature for seeing one's work in a timeline from start to finish. I'm very excited about getting this program because I've been having trouble organizing my work and this looks as if it will make that job much easier. I will get it by the end of this week, but I've already started trying to organize some of my ideas in my written journal.

The thing is, I want to write about my parents and grandparents as well as my brother and myself and really my whole life, but that's too much for a memoir. So I'm thinking I might be looking at writing two to three memoirs all told. I do want to write about my experience with schizophrenia, but my hard core experience with it began late at 36 years of age. So I actually had a life before this life. Most of the memoirs I've read by people who suffer from schizophrenia start from late childhood to their late teens or early 20s. And most of the memoirs I've read do not cover in depth the history of the authors family of origin, but focus instead on young adulthood and onward. There is no doubt that I was mentally ill during my young adulthood because I stayed at home till I was 27, didn't get a job and had virtually no friends. I also had begun to hear voices, but they were so mild and generally supportive that I didn't take much notice of them. Then I left New York City and moved deep into the country and promptly got involved with a much younger man who suffered from alcohol addiction and mental illnes, hence my initiation into both a subculture of drugs and domestic violence. That in itself could be a memoir.

The more I look at my family and my life, the richer it seems and the more complex. So I see myself working on several writing projects at once, though I will put more focus on my parents' lives since they are in their 80s and won't live forever. I'm hoping to gather some crucial information from them. I've already collected a bunch of audio tapes worth of conversations with them which I will use to reconstruct their lives. I would like to turn some of what I research into well made essays and try to sell them to magazines...but that is getting ahead of myself. I also have some problems with the novel approach to the memoir, especially fabricating dialogue from years past when I have no memory or record of conversations from those times. It just seems misleading to me, despite the fact that it adds interest and color to a story. My approach might be more like collecting multiple essays on particular subjects pertaining to my life. My family is a small one--mother, father, uncle, brother and grandparents and the setting is a wonderful city--New York, my hometown. But it's almost as if I've lived three lives: my life in the City, my life in the country suffering through domestic violence and my life in the country suffering through and recovering from schizophrenia.

Then there is another story I very much want to tell, the story of my last ten years with the voices and how I sincerely believe that the voices ultimately come from an external and yes, alien, source. I rarely write about this firm belief knowing full well that it makes me sound delusional, but I know intimately and torturously what it's like to live inside a delusion and this is no delusion. I also know that I have no proof of this and that the common belief is that there are no such beings. So I have my work cut out for me in trying to convince a generally skeptical audience, which is why I think I've decided to wait till after I write my memoirs of my life in the City and of my family. If, and this is a big if, I write well enough of my life before schizophrenia to garner some credibility as a writer, I might be in a stronger position to present my case. Really if I write any good book I will consider my life a success, but to draw some people to even consider my point of view would ultimately be a crowning achievement for me. And so for now I dream and set aside the next several years to work. Don't get me wrong, I do love painting and am grateful for my small successes with it these last two years and I will continue to paint as well work on songs. For me, this is my idea of a good life: to be creative in any and every way that I'm capable of. To that end I think I'm beginning to succeed in life.

Thoughts For The New Year

I began 2010 quietly, no fireworks or family or crowds of people, just one lone firecracker in the distance to mark the second the new year began. At that moment I felt expectant and excited to be beginning yet another year of life, but a couple of days later I fell into a slump. It's like my life is this puzzle with some pieces missing and I won't be content until I find the missing pieces. I know no one stops me from being happy. I do that on my own, not willfully or anything, but I slip into the negative and then return to the positive eventually. This blog is a witness of that. Life is about ups and downs, good times and bad times, confidence and insecurity.

This year I found two old friends on the internet, but my insecurity has made me shy away from contacting them. They weren't just old friends, they were my best friends in high school. After we drifted apart, time stood still for me. I didn't make new friends. They were the last close friends that I had. But that was almost 30 years ago. To reconnect with them would mean a lot to me, but it would require revealing myself and my circumstances. Why don't I feel ready to do that? I'm afraid of rejection. That's not a good enough reason. We all have to take risks in order to grow. Still, when it comes to me bonding with other people, I pull away. A part of me wants to pull away and a part of me wants to get closer, so I get somewhat pulled apart.

Pam Wagner once wrote to me that she thought that I might be using my schizophrenia as an excuse, that, in effect, I was stronger than I thought I was. Sometimes I think that might be true, but other times I can't ignore that I have the classic symptoms of schizophrenia: social withdrawal, problems with self care (i.e. cleaning my house, making doctor's appointments, changing my clothes, etc...), lingering voices in my mind that I still do not believe are self-generated, financial dependence (in my case on my family instead of on the government). Of course, that is not the whole story. I have also turned into an artist, even though my output varies from month to month--sometimes very creative and other times not. But if I'm not painting, then I'm making up songs or writing.

What do I really want for this year? To become more consistently creative and to earn a little money through my artwork. A couple of months ago a man who owns a design studio in Orlando bought a couple of my abstract paintings from my Artid site. He said he wanted to commission me to do more work for him. He implied that I wouldn't be needed until the beginning of 2010, sometime after the holidays. If he's serious, this could be a little dream come true. So tomorrow I will contact him to see if he's still interested in using me as an artist for his design studio. But I know I shouldn't stop there. I need to promote myself to others online and in my community and not solely rely on this wonderful offer. Still, the offer, whether it happens or not, has helped me to take myself more seriously and that is a good thing.

Despite the schizophrenia, I know I have a lot to be grateful for. When I first got really ill and I read that schizophrenia was a "brain disease", I saw it as almost a death sentence...no cure, a gradual or not so gradual decline into insanity. That is not what I've experienced. Initially, yes, I became deeply psychotic, but then I wasn't taking the anti-psychotic medications regularly. After I did commit to the reality that I suffered from a serious mental illness and that I needed extra help, mainly in the form of medications and therapy, I gradually began to improve. Now I have my days where I'm lost and unhappy, but those days do not last for weeks and months anymore.

Beyond the medications and therapy, what really gets me through is my own creative spirit. I get down, but I don't give in and give up. I also have a supportive family, a home and (I thank God) health insurance. When I think about how much I have, I know I'm blessed and my troubles shrink to a more manageable size.

Portrait Of My Father

Here's a portrait I just did of my father in gouache taken from a photograph I took recently of him. I might turn these portraits of my parents into acrylic on canvas paintings. I'm not sure because I have a lot of photographs to work from now.

Portrait Of My Mother

I shot the photo for this gouache painting on Christmas. She's wearing a t-shirt that I gave her as a present that has one of my portraits on it. It's hard to believe that she is 81 years old.

Christina And A Slightly Revised Aaron

Christina is Aaron's older sister. These two paintings will go to their mother. I really enjoyed working in acrylics as opposed to mostly painting portraits in gouache. I think I can expand into it now. I did a lot of fiddling with the colors, trying to follow the photographs as closely as I could, but varying a color choice here and there. It feels good to be painting. I love painting for people and their families.

Aaron

I just painted this portrait of my friend Richard's son Aaron. I'd like to give it as a present to Richard's wife/Aaron's mom who dotes on her son. I painted in acrylics on a 10" x 10" canvas using some new brushes.

Working It Through

I've been a bit too preoccupied with my 1990s songs lately. Soundclick keeps statistics of who views my profile page and which songs are played and how many times, etc... I've been getting a little bit obsessive about it and I wind up feeling sick. Though I like the songs, the fact is that they were made over a decade ago and while I have the lyrics and can still sing the songs, many of them I can't play on my guitar. So I feel as if I'm misrepresenting myself and what I really want to do is make up new songs, songs that go into my experience of mental illness. I have been working on a few songs, but I haven't gotten very far yet because I'm not set up to record. I'll get there. I basically feel better making up songs than I do in listening back to them, so it's the process I like over the product.

Posting the songs and looking for feedback is still an ego orientation, so while I think I will upload a few more of my songs, I'm going to take a few steps back from it. Also, there are so many really talented people out there promoting themselves. On the one hand, I'm promoting myself, but on the other hand, I'm humbled by the sheer immensity of people making music and putting it on the web. Making music is a good thing; promoting myself is premature. I am not a musician, just a singer/songwriter and I have no business sense. What I should focus on is creating just one song at a time, instead of thinking that I have to make a whole album's worth before I can put the songs out there for feedback. I re-found a site I joined a couple of years ago for songwriters; it's called Muse's Muse. I have briefly reviewed some other people's songs, but I want to do more of that. That's the rule there, you have to review 2-4 songs by other people before you can get one of your own songs reviewed. I think that's fair.

What makes me feel better than promoting these old songs is sticking to a Buddhist practice of meditation and dharma study. I found a couple of Buddhist communities online, but this past week I haven't been posting. I've been being very upfront about the fact that I suffer from schizophrenia. Some people respond positively to that, some ignore it and others get uncomfortable. My aim is not to make people uncomfortable, but to fight the stigma attached to mental illnesses and to encourage others to be upfront about their struggles. Still, sometimes I think I overdo it and yet I feel more comfortable being open than hiding something that has affected my life so drastically.

I want to return to painting because I've been working only sporadically. Painting is meditation and therapy. I tend to feel more emotionally balanced when I'm working on a painting or drawing project. Someone who owns a design studio bought two of my abstract paintings on my Artid site. He said he wanted to hire me to do some more work and suggested we talk by phone. I told him that though I felt somewhat uncomfortable using the phone, that he was probably right and said I'd be available this past weekend, but he never called. So I'm feeling insecure. That shouldn't stop me from beginning a painting project of my own.

I also want to return to reaching out to people on the internet. I have made a SharePost on SchizophreniaConnection and responded to another's SharePost. I would like to get back to working on LiveJournal. There are a lot of groups about mental illness/health and maybe I can do some good. I've befriended a young woman who suffers from schizoaffective disorder and we've been emailing each other, which has been a pleasure. She's so bright and also an artist. In fact, I've come across quite a few people online who suffer from mental illness who are both bright and artistic.

I have been feeling bouts of anxiety and I've been trying to breath into the discomfort the way the Buddhist nun Pema Chodron has instructed in her books and audio recordings. The thing is not to act out or repress, but to sit with the feeling and get to know it. That's true for meditation in general and it is not easy to do. When I try to meditate often I get either restless or I get a back ache or I get sleepy. But I did get a beginner yoga DVD and I've been following that and that really helps to relax me, but it doesn't put me to sleep.

Well, that's all for now. I hope you have all been doing well and staying safe.