Abandon Hope

The first image is a drawing/painting I did of a photograph by Sally Mann. I was experimenting with using a middle tone paper, doing a light pencil drawing and covering parts of it with washes. My image is not really true to the photograph, especially the areas I painted with white, but I like the effect. Sort of primitive and elemental. The second image, done on the same paper, is a pencil portrait of the American Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron. This is a preliminary study. I plan to paint a couple of portraits based on this one, one in watercolor or gouache and one in acrylic. I respect and admire this woman. Listening to her audio talks and reading her books has even made me contemplate becoming a Buddhist nun at some point in my life.

I picked up from the library a book by her called When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice For Difficult Times and an audiobook called This Moment Is The Perfect Teacher. I've read nine short chapters of the book and listened to two hours of the audiobook and, as usual, they are substantial. I wish she could be my teacher, but there is no way that is happening, except indirectly through her books and audio recordings. Still, I decided that I need some kind of guidance from an actual Buddhist teacher or two and since I live too far away to have a face to face teacher, I signed up for an online course in Buddhism in which I will have email correspondence with a Tibetan Buddhist teacher and a senior student. I did this yesterday, somewhat impulsively, but not really. I had been contemplating doing something like this for a long time and the moment seemed ripe and so I went ahead and committed to it. I have to wait till I get the study guides before I can begin my dialogue with the teachers. These last couple of days I have been taking the time to meditate and I've been reflecting on Pema Chodron's instruction.

At one point in her book, she writes "Abandon hope." That sounds so dreary, so desperate, but that's not how she means it. What she means is that we are caught in a cycle between fear and hope. In abandoning hope, we get a rare chance to face our fears. Our greatest fear is that we will die and the truth is that we all will die, there is no way around that. It is a fact of life. So abandon hope that we will not die and while you're at it, abandon hope that you will someday be happy, that is that someday you will feel no more pain and discomfort because another truth is that pain and discomfort will be with us until we die. These are the hard facts that we keep trying to run away from and disguise, but once you stop and face them, they lose their power. The fact that we will surely die is a wake up call to treat every present moment as something precious. All we have is the present moment, the past and the future do not exist and yet we indoctrinate ourselves with these ideas as if they have validity. They are illusions. Then there is pain and discomfort that is necessary, like learning not to put your hand in fire or learning that the blade of a knife can make a deep cut in flesh. We need to know our limits and pain tells us what they are. But then there is unnecessary suffering such as low self esteem or fruitless anxiety and panic attacks. If we abandon hope of someday being happy and sit with the truth of our present experience, we take the blinders off our eyes. Then we can look closely at just what we do, our patterns and reactive behaviors. It takes a lot of courage to do this, but it can be done. Once we see what we do that hurts ourselves, we can begin to alter our behavior and change deeply rooted patterns of misery.

Misery sounds like such a strong word, as does the word suffering. But do you suffer? I soften it and say to myself that I feel discomfort on and off throughout the day. I shift from hopeful to fearful and back again, depending on what I happen to be doing or thinking. There is this constant moving from one thing to another, running away from either discomfort or realization of basic truths such as I cannot control life. You know, shit happens, that's life. Put that way, it's kind of funny, but when it happens to you, that unexpected bad thing, it is not funny at all. So you cannot control life, or people or even yourself in many ways. So what do you do, where do you start? There's no way around it, you have to pay attention to yourself in the present moment. If you don't, you just get swept along by various impulses. You have to be your own doctor, your own therapist, your own teacher and most especially, your own friend. Buddhists call paying attention to yourself in the present moment mindfulness or waking up. When you do this, you accept responsibility for yourself. Light awareness of your breath is a very important part of being mindful, being present, awake, aware. It can both calm and center you at the same time.

It seems as if it should be easy, just breathe and pay attention and what? everything will be okay? But it is not easy and even if you can do it, all your problems will not suddenly disappear. So why do it? Because of unnecessary suffering and a dissatisfaction with the status quo. The status quo is continually grasping at hope and pleasure and continually running away from fear and pain. It's a tiresome way to live. One of the points is to let go of hope and fear and sit with things as they are. If you are always hoping, then you are ignoring the excellent qualities of the present moment and obviously if you are afraid you are needlessly suffering. The way out of this is through it. You sit with what you are feeling and you feel it while paying light attention to your breath. You don't grasp at it or run away, you co-exist with it and as you do the hope and fear begin to dissolve and you are left with openness, peace, contentment. But, of course, that's not the end of the story, the hope and fear return again and again and so you begin your training and your practice. Pema Chodron calls this the training of the warrior. The more you train, the more you acquire the skill to lessen unnecessary suffering, the more you wake up. And as you wake up, you deepen your compassion for yourself and others.

Somehow, even though I am a beginner at all of this, I can feel the truth in what Pema Chodron and many other Buddhist teachers are trying to teach. I have moved towards and away from it repeatedly over the years. I have moved away from it because it is hard to embrace. It is hard to face the fact that I will die, sooner or later, and that I will always struggle with discomfort of one sort or another. It is also hard to sit with fear and accept it. It is hard to meditate and be mindful throughout the day and evening. It is hard to refrain from harmful behaviors and attitudes. But it is the hard things that are ultimately the most worthwhile, if you can stick with the practice and the training. This I believe.

Hope is about living for a future time, but there is no future time. There is only now.

Home Life

This is my music room downstairs, very stripped down, but functional. I've been creating a lot of songs lately, but I have to concentrate on just a couple and record them, maybe add extra vocals to harmonize and a minimal lead guitar track. I have a tendency to go around in circles when I sing and write songs, so I have to redirect myself into refining some of what I've done. The main thing is to touch base with singing and playing regularly throughout the week, even when my singing sounds like crap, just keep going, keep practicing. I bought a poster that has guitar chords on it which I'm going to post on the wall and seriously try to learn new chords. Because my guitar playing is so weak, I find using the electric guitar is easier on my fingers and sounds better than when I play my acoustic guitar. I'm just getting tired of using the same ten chords over and over. Before I got ill, I was a better singer and guitar player. I experimented more and pushed myself harder. So now I have another chance. My headset is different from the 1990s, which makes absolute sense, considering all I've been through since then. And so the music is different, but I still sometimes have the tendency to get dark. Usually I'm trying to mix the darkness with the light, alternating between the two. It's back to yin and yang.

This is my art studio space. It's not very large, but it's mine and I can keep the cats out of the area when I need to work. I have yet to start a painting downstairs. I'm still adjusting to being able to actually go downstairs. But I need to christen it soon, turn on the music and get out the paints. I meant to start a few days ago, but I've been getting a toothache at night and that messed with my days. I've ordered a new bookcase to put in this room to house most of my art books. It will be very good to have easy access to the books again.

Here are a couple of shots of the cat pen/play area that Richard made. I let the cats out except for one, Shanti, who was nervous about the cat door. I will try again today in a couple of hours.

I let them out on my birthday. They were all very happy about it (except Shanti), but they were nervous too and didn't climb on the the wood or scratch it, not yet.

I did do a chunk of Spring Cleaning a week and a half ago. I rearranged my living room, which I haven't done in a long time. I bought an expensive vacuum cleaner meant to suck up pet hair. So far, so good, but I have really bad luck with vacuum cleaners. I have about four defunct ones in my garage. For a while there, I was afraid of getting electrocuted by the contraption. But with eight cats I have to one) vacuum and two) change the kitty litter boxes regularly.

I still have to clean the kitchen. I notice that I've left that till last, so that's a problem area for me. I have a dishwasher, but I haven't used it in years and I'm, once again, nervous about testing it and other machinery out. It's just foolishness on my part. I've become an on again, off again fearful person. It has to do with living alone, too. If I were living with other people, I'm sure more things would get dealt with. Me, alone, I put things off because I can get away with it.

My 48th birthday was this past Friday. Though I allowed myself to go off my diet for a few days by buying myself a pizza, wings and sweet fried dough, I didn't have a particularly good birthday. Letting the cats out was the highlight of the day. I chose my birthday to quit smoking cigarettes, which I had gradually starting smoking more and more of over the last couple of months. I haven't gone through withdrawal, which is great, but I am suffering through some depression. Today was my first up day in a few days. I put on music that my brother had given to me for my birthday: Bonnie Raitt, Red House Painters, Son Volt, The Waifs, My Morning Jacket, all of it good and there's more to go through of it. If I can put on some music each day, I can get some work done. It sets the mood. Sometimes I fall into periods of silence and that can be okay, but just not all the time.

I made a new online friend this week. It's Karen Sorensen who I put on my blog list a few weeks ago. Her blog is called Dignify Me. If you haven't already, please check out her blog. I love the way she writes and one day I made an offer of friendship to her, which she accepted and so we've been emailing each other nearly every day for the past week. She is smart and talented both as an artist and as a writer and she challenges me, especially in her blog, to think more deeply about my beliefs. I am very grateful to have this opportunity to develop a friendship with her. My tendency is to make some contact with others, but then to withdraw, but it feels different with Karen. We are different, which is a challenge and we are the same, which is a comfort. The combination works well for me and hopefully for her too.

Spring Cleaning (And Other Stuff)

No, I haven't done it yet, but I'm setting up to do it this week-end. Saying it aloud and to several people online will help me to commit to doing it. I almost wish I could say that my inability to clean is just plain laziness, but I know it is more. People with schizophrenia are known for not being particularly clean. I've gotten a bit better in terms of changing my clothes and brushing my teeth and changing the kitty litter boxes and such, but still I struggle with all the rest of it. The fact that very few people come over to my house just allows me to wallow in a state of disarray and mess. I love books, but I have too many of them and not enough book cases. I just have too much stuff and it's time to get rid of some things and make room. I used to have the ability to organize, now I shove things here and there and don't pay enough attention. All of this makes me acutely uncomfortable at times and depressed. I have to change myself and I have to start now.

The work on the downstairs of my house is basically finished and I was proud of myself for dragging my drawing table down the stairs and setting it up in the corner of one of the rooms. I also brought down other art related stuff, but there's more to do. It is a start in the right direction. My friend Richard, who has done almost all the work downstairs, is now busy constructing a play area in the outdoor cat pen. When he does something he goes all out. He's brought tree branches and trunks and even pieces of a telephone pole. Once he's done, which should be soon, I have to get up the nerve to let the cats out. I know that sounds silly, but I worry about them getting out or freaking out. I'll probably start letting just a couple out at a time and see what they do. It should be great really and not something to get anxious over, but I get anxious over a lot of small, dumb things. I've even been putting off opening the windows because I'm afraid of the wasps and bees that somehow manage to get inside the house despite having screens. Last summer one of my kittens made a habit of putting the wasp in his mouth, so, of course, he got stung. His lip swelled up, but only for a short time, so I was relieved. I guess they have to live and learn just as much as I do. Anyway, an hour ago I opened up some windows and already that's making a difference in the house.

I've also set up in the downstairs bedroom my recording equipment, my microphone and my electric guitar. I've been practicing playing and singing a bunch of new songs and also older songs (within the last couple of years) that I've re-worked. On the whole, my voice has potential if I keep practicing, so that's lifted my spirit. My songs are very basic because I am very limited in what I can do, but in some ways that gives me a simplified structure to work with. I'm amazed at how simple songwriting can be if you let it. The test will be when I record a few songs and put them on a CD and also upload them to my Soundclick page so that other people can hear them. Before I got ill, except for the first few months when I was still working on songs, I would take one song and practice it over and over until I was finally ready to record it. That's what I have to work my way up to doing. So I've been touching base with it a couple of times a day which is a good start for now. I don't really expect my songs to go very far, but that's okay. I think I've come to terms with that. The main thing is that it makes me feel spiritually connected to something larger than myself. And if a few people wind up enjoying a few of the songs, that's good enough. It's a little lonely working on my own, but I still need to do it.

No word from the former friend/lover that I sent my CD and a letter to. I also gave him this blog address and my Artid site address, so who knows, he might be stopping by from time to time without my knowing it. I'm a little saddened that he has probably decided not to respond to me, but I can understand it too. I laid a bunch of stuff on him all of a sudden and it may not have been appropriate. Still, it would have been great to know him online and just keep in touch. He's a singer/performer and perhaps a songwriter too. I did ask the I Ching about him. It seems he's not only dedicated to music and to his circle/family of friends, but he has a lot of integrity. I asked what his heart's desire was and I got the hexagram for Inner Truth. I thought that was great. But when I asked if he had decided not to contact me, I got hexagram 18 which is called Corruption with no moving lines. When there are no moving lines, it makes the response emphatic. I wasn't sure how to interpret it, but, as the name implies, it's not so good. It's also called Work On What Has Been Spoiled. From the interpretations I've read it might have something to do with neglect or personal fault, but there's also a lot of hopeful room for improvement. It's not as if it's some negative cosmic force that's put one in a bad situation and so you can do something about it if you choose. But really when it comes to this man and his situation, I can only have a little glimpse into his world. Ultimately I don't know and won't know unless he chooses to tell me. I told him to do what was best for him and I meant that. And so I retreat and let it go. But I am including him and his family in some of the prayers that I send out. I wish him well.

On the other hand, I have been getting in touch with some people I used to know through facebook and that has been very good so far, but, again, I'm not placing my hopes on it. I will just stay responsive and see what happens. If deeper connections can be made, that would be wonderful and if not, I will be okay. I'm just proud of myself for either reaching out or being receptive to others reaching out to me. There's one old friend that I'm particularly glad to be in touch with again. She's been sharing some of her memories with me. Her birthday is this coming Tuesday, so today I sent her a card and a small gift.

Integrity

I have been consulting the I Ching and studying the 64 hexagrams and different authors interpretations of them for over two weeks now. In 2007 I studied the I Ching with a diviner named Hilary Barrett. I found her through her site called Clarity. This time around, when I returned to consulting the I Ching through her free computer program, I discovered that she was including her interpretations of the hexagrams. In fact, her book will be coming out on Amazon sometime soon I hope. I responded positively to her use of language. The names of the hexagrams are somewhat different than the ones I'm used to, but they seemed to work better for me. One very important hexagram, hexagram 15 is normally called Modesty, but she calls it Integrity. Here is her interpretation:

"To experience integrity is like coming face to face with your real self - plain, simple and unadorned. To have integrity is to be whole, at one with yourself and your reality. It means being honest about your own capacities, holding yourself in creative balance with your world and not exaggerating the importance of your role. These qualities enable the noble one to bring whatever work presents itself to completion. Since she is not overly full of herself, she has space for the real world; she isn't hampered by an excess or by a lack of confidence. Since she isn't caught up in a personal story, and doesn't identify her work with her worth, she is free to do what needs to be done and move on."

To have integrity is to also be modest and, according to the philosophy behind the I Ching, this is the basis for all just thoughts and actions. And so, I asked myself, after I read this, if I have integrity and I saw that in part I do and in part I don't. The fact that I don't quite measure up here does have to do with schizophrenia. Lately I've been seeing schizophrenia as an ego imbalance disease. Still, my aspiration is to be balanced, to have a deeply rooted integrity. When I asked the I Ching what would happen if I studied and followed it, I got Integrity. When I asked if I had the capacity to help people with mental illness, I got Gradual Progress into Integrity. This is good news to me.

Studying the I Ching is like learning a new language. For me it is not completely new because I've had contact with it since I was young, but now I've gone through several cycles of moving towards it and away from it. Each time I return, my understanding deepens and yet, even after all these years, I'm still a beginner. I am perhaps an intermediate beginner. I feel this way about my other creative endeavors. As a beginner everything is still new enough to be fresh, but my abilities are limited. Time and practice are required of me if I am to move onto the next level. Like a curious child, I have been asking the I Ching many questions. I choose the questions carefully and then I ask them one at a time with as much earnestness as I can muster. This requires a certain amount of soul searching. But before I can search too far, I need to understand where I am at in the present.

The I Ching has given me the hexagram 47 as a partial definition of my present circumstances. Hilary Barrett has named it Confined, but it has also been called Oppression. Here is part of Hilary's explanation: "The Chinese character for 'Confined' or 'oppressed' shows a tree completely encircled by walls: an image of entrapment and isolation. You are cut off, and cannot reach out to others. The great person finds good fortune in constancy to an inner ideal. This is a supreme test of character: whether you can hold to your purpose when there is no encouragement, no confirmation from outside, but only your own inner resources. The lack of outward signs of progress does not mean that you are wrong, or that the world is wrong. Rather than resenting the walls, concentrate on the life and growth within them."

I do not resent the walls, in fact, I have contributed to creating them. Schizophrenia and isolation usually go together. I have thought of people who suffer from schizophrenia as wounded animals and when an animal is wounded, it withdraws in order to heal. But in that case eventually there comes a time to return to the world. In the case of a tree encircled by walls, the walls must come down or the tree will die, though Hilary creates an image more of a tree surrounded by walls except for the ceiling, because a tree needs light and rain in order to grow and this is more of how I see myself, still reaching towards the light, not totally isolated. My connection to life comes from the creativity I encourage in myself within the walls. I have done this for years.

Another hexagram I've been getting a lot is number 23, Stripping Away. Hilary writes: "The surfaces are cut and sliced away; the old and unviable is stripped back to expose the living core. This inevitable, natural process often feels like a flaying: the more you have invested of yourself in these old things, the more painful it will be. It's no good, at such times, to imagine the future and make plans. You need to bring your energy back to the centre and honour the process: this is a time to be transformed, not to act. Moreover, until the old is so utterly stripped from you that you have no choice but to think in new ways, you will only be able to re-create the old patterns."

Getting rid of the old and establishing the new has been a theme running through my consultations. It's as if I have to begin taking down the walls that surround me, slowly and carefully. The image of flaying is extreme, but it shows that the process is not easy or void of pain and yet in this case it seems to be necessary. For me, the pain comes in as I examine myself. The I Ching sets a high standard to follow and I think I'm prepared now to follow. In the cosmology of the I Ching the lines of the hexagrams represent a social stratification. The lower lines represent the lower classes and the upper lines represent the minister, the king and the sage. It is patriarchal yes, but more than that, it is symbolic of lower versus higher nature. The intent behind the I Ching is to guide and advise individuals on how to seek out their higher natures. The goal, then, is to actually become a wise and just king or sage within the smaller sphere of your life. Inevitably, this is not a smooth journey.

In western culture it is easy to fall into the trap of imagining yourself the hero or heroine or in the case of the I Ching the king, queen or sage. For most of us, the truth is there will be times in our lives when we rise to the level of a king/queen/sage, but more often we will be struggling with keeping our lower natures in check. Though I do believe that there are people out there who can sustain a certain high level of leadership and wisdom. But the I Ching is fluid because our natures are fluid, so we get the chance to play all the roles and you can find yourself landing on any of the lines depending on the nature of your question and the general attitude behind it or based on your history. Also each line can be influenced from negative to positive. Not all kings and ministers are strong and wise and not all lowly officials or peasants are weak and foolish. The main point is that the I Ching gives sometimes praise and other times cautions. Paying attention and giving respect to the warnings can potentially guide you to a stronger, healthier position.

The bottom line basis for paying attention to, respecting and following the I Ching and its philosophy is strict self honesty. In some ways, what I'm stripping away is self-deception in order to get to my true heart and to clear my mind. Self-honesty is a path to integrity. Soul searching is about being honest with yourself about what you want, what you're willing to do to achieve it and about what your personal limitations are. I think I've always inclined towards being an honest person, but because of my illness, I have fallen into delusions that I had a hard time getting out of. So honesty has become a life line to mental health. Now I've trained myself to catch myself more quickly when I begin to slip and that makes all the difference. The I Ching is furthering that ability. It's a tough master, but a just one.

Today's Contour Drawings

I drew these pictures quickly, not in order to get an exact likeness, but in order to follow the lines of the photographs I was looking at fairly closely. I didn't do blind contour drawing, where you don't look at your paper as you're drawing, though those are fun to do because there are invariably distortions in the face and figure. These drawing also contain distortions, though not as pronounced as some. Using a marker on paper without an underdrawing is like going on a small adventure: you have to let go and follow different paths, stopping here and starting there, keeping this and leaving out that.

Higher Powers

I have been consulting the I Ching these last couple of weeks. For those of you who don't know, the I Ching is an ancient Chinese divination method. It is based on the symbolic interplay of yin and yang. Normally one divines with either yarrow sticks or three coins, but in this computer age I have found I can just as effectively divine online. It's all about the meaning in chance or rather that things that happen by chance sometimes (or even often) contain meaning. Now this might sound like an inappropriate activity for someone who suffers from schizophrenia, but I have found it to be helpful even in times of acute psychosis. Because the basic premise is that life is about change, hence the name of the book-- The Book of Changes, it is more about an Eastern view of philosophy than about fortune telling. The impressions I get about the present or the near future are all conditional. Nothing is fixed in stone and every thought or action, be it positive or negative, will have its own short term or long term effect on one's life situation. So a predicted negative outcome can be changed into a positive outcome and visa-versa depending on the choices made.

The I Ching offers a moral philosophy to follow. I remember that I was guided by my voices a year before I became acutely psychotic to study the I Ching. I bought a book called A Guide To The I Ching by Carol Anthony. I have since found that the author's interpretation is rather unusual. She sees those who consult the I Ching as students and the responses given by the I Ching as those given by "The Sage". In pressing this idea of a student/sage relationship, she encourages the view of going on a moral/spiritual journey. When I finally succumbed to delusions and paranoia I continued to consult the I Ching. I was trying to follow a spiritual path and for a while the I Ching guided me to be humble and to refrain from acting out. This was a good thing. Eventually the delusions became too strong and veered far away from Eastern ideas and into Christian ideas and symbols. Even in my deluded state that was very odd to me because I was not a Christian and was trying to embrace both the I Ching and Buddhism. But that is the nature of severe mental illness, it takes you to places strange and unfamiliar and turns your world upside down.

During the acute stages of my illness I would return briefly to the I Ching and now, years later, I still come back to it from time to time. I do so because I respect the philosophy I have found in it, one of modesty, patience, perseverance, receptivity. But it is not an easy thing to interpret the I Ching. Like most people who take it seriously, I have quite a few books on it, each with their own interpretations. And so, in order to get something from the experience of divination and study, I have to stay very honest and trust my intuition. That's the challenge of it. The Chinese believe in something they call wu-wei which translates as "going with the flow". If you're willful and controlling, you do not go with the flow and you run into problems, but if you stop resisting and let go into the present moment, you can find a certain balance even in hard times.

Of course, divination requires that you believe in a higher power, some wise seemingly supernatural entity that is actually willing to interact with you. Though I am not a Christian and come from a family of atheists and agnostics, I do believe in a higher power. My family would say that this is egocentric thinking because why (and how) would a higher power actually interact with me, let alone all the people on earth. I really don't know how, though there have been times when I would have liked to know. I just know that even without all the religious training that most people get, I have had the feeling that something greater than myself did exist and was involved in all life. It's a mystery. But, I also believe that the voices that I still hear from time to time are not merely the result of a chemical imbalance, though that certainly factors into the situation. I realize that many people take comfort in the idea that severe mental illness is the result of chemical imbalances and not a matter of personal failing or failure in parenting and this is a big step in the right direction. But I am hear to say, from time to time, that that is not the whole story. There is a spiritual side to this story.

And so I believe in a higher power and I believe that when I consult the I Ching that I am communing with something wiser than myself. But I still have to do the work of living my life, of trying to be good. I still have to decide when it is okay to act and when it is better to not act or even retreat. All of this requires a certain moral decision making process. Recently I have slowly started to get in touch with people from my past and last week I sent a letter and my 1990s CD to someone I knew in my 20s. He was a friend and a lover, but I have not had contact with him for 20 years and so I consulted the I Ching. I also consulted the I Ching about my past and present songs. The response was generally positive, but ultimately I had to decide for myself whether I wanted to reach out. I decided to give it a try. I knew my intentions were good and that I would be okay if he chose not to take me up on my offer of online friendship. I'm so used to not reaching out which is why I know so few people. But I'm at a point in my life where I'm starting to feel better than I have in a long time and so I'm more willing to fall flat on my face and more able to pick myself up, dust myself off, change my course and continue on.

The Choice

Here's a quick painting I did today of my young friend M. with a friend of hers. I sent a photograph of the painting to her to try and cheer her up because she's been struggling a lot of late. Here M., on the right, looks very happy and I want her to believe that she will be happy again. It was also good for me to paint because I haven't been painting or drawing for over a month and it's time to get back into it.

M. is 22 years old and she has suffered from schizo-affective disorder for around 7 or 8 years now, so she is no stranger to the rhythms of her illness. I have thought before that schizo-affective disorder is particularly hard because you get the worst of two serious illnesses--bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, so both moods and thoughts become affected. I know a bit about mania because I have lived through some of it during my repeated psychotic breaks. It seems to me to be terribly exhausting to go from high to low over and over again. At the high end of the spectrum you can actually get some things accomplished, but inevitably that doesn't last for long. M. doesn't like taking the medications and she stopped several months ago. Now she goes in and out of hallucinations and is not eating or sleeping very much. On top of that she is working full time. I have no idea how she does this, but she does. I have been encouraging her very strongly to find a support group to go to because she has virtually no support system. She has been keeping in touch with me through emails and I am very grateful for that. I want her to know that she can rely on me to be present for her, but I am just one person and that is not enough support, plus I live many miles away from her. I have found that while online support is definitely good, it can't take the place of a face to face meeting with either a support group or a therapist. There's some kind of great energy between people, both a vulnerability and an immediate connection. Listening to other people's stories, their struggles and their various attempts to surmount their troubles, makes the world a little friendlier, cuts down on this pervasive feeling that one is inside something that no one can understand. For myself, I have found talk therapy in support groups, with my therapist and with myself, almost immediately lightens my burdens. The ability to communicate is a powerful tool. Writing, too, is a powerful tool. But you have to reach out to it, it won't just come to you. And if you don't reach out, then you needlessly suffer.

Many people identify "crazy" people as the ones who are homeless and are having a constant dialogue with themselves. I've been blessed in that I've never been homeless, but I certainly shared the trait of talking aloud to myself. What "normal" people don't understand is that it is a positive way of coping with something overwhelming. It is a form of therapy because it gets some of the sickness that's stuck inside of you, out of you. I continue to talk to myself using a digital recorder because the act of talking and then of listening to myself releases and objectifies the problems I'm contending with, be they depression, anxiety or psychosis itself. Once the problem is out in the open, you can actually see the dynamics of it and begin to work on the solution. I have repeatedly been comforted by the fact that I don't sound anywhere near as psychotic as I think I sound when it's just stuffed inside of me. Generally I sound intelligent, honest and sensitive and not like some extraordinary freak of nature. There's also the discipline whether speaking aloud into a recorder or to another person or writing your thoughts down, to be very honest with yourself. This is quite important. Self-honesty cuts through the denial that keeps us stuck. It also makes us feel more responsible towards ourselves and towards others. We are actively participating in our recovery; we are acknowledging that recovery is possible even. We are not helpless victims of circumstance. We have the power to name things, to look at things and finally to change ourselves. But not if we stay silent and suffering all alone.

M. is highly intelligent, an excellent writer and an artist to boot. These are all very valuable resources. I am quite frankly amazed by how intelligent and creative the mentally ill generally are and that is why I don't think the outlook for people with mental illness is as bleak as it is sometimes portrayed. Most "normal" people at some point have to assess their strengths and minimize their weaknesses. It should be no different with those who suffer from mental illness. It goes back to the philosophy of seeing the glass as half full instead of half empty. Ask yourself what is right with this moment, not what is wrong. This is not a decision you make and then it's over with. This is something you have to keep reaffirming when things get tough. Talking, writing, creativity is more than therapy, it is a way of life. So is having an "attitude of gratitude". It sounds so trite, but I have found it to be vitally important, especially in the beginning stages of recovery. I'm not trying to imply that it's easy. It is not. But just as people have to train to become proficient at something, so do we have to train ourselves. It's not just new age bullshit, it's practical advice and given time, it works. I don't believe it works for just the select few. I believe it applies to everyone, but you have to work it. If you don't work it, then you stay balled up in your mute suffering. Or worse, you suffer so much that you act out, either killing yourself or hurting others.

I am not passively one of the lucky few to survive and find a measure of happiness. I worked at it for years. And yes, compared to the most well adjusted people out there, I am handicapped. But most of the people I have encountered are not so very well adjusted. We all struggle. Life is not a disney movie. For those who are very well adjusted and happy, that is a wonderful thing and something for us all to aspire to, but the truth is life is about change, about ups and downs and ultimately life is also about endings, our own and those we care about. We have to come to terms with the facts of life. Still, you and I are alive this very moment. So what are you going to do now? All any of us have is this very moment. Some of us have fewer choices than others, but we still have a choice, a choice of what to focus on. What's it going to be--positive or negative?

Happy In Spring: On Writing & Reaching Out

I know it's just about spring because I caught the first wasp of the season in my house. Of course this one was large and active and I was grabbing my six kit-kats and stuffing them into the bathroom and the bedroom to keep them away from the critter. It took me a while, but I got him or her out of the house. I love the end of winter and the beginning of spring, except for the wasps and bees that get into the house and with all these hyper kitties, it's challenging.

Yesterday I went out in late afternoon to the local coffee shop and ordered a large Cafe Mocha and a cheese focaccia sandwich. I considered it a treat for getting out of the house. I brought my journal with me. Writing in the journal was more the purpose of the trip than the food and coffee, though the combination was good. I wrote for about 45 minutes. Nothing profound. I was writing to write. I've been going through Natalie Goldberg's books on the craft of writing. Her most famous book is called Writing Down The Bones: Freeing The Writer Within. It was published in 1986 and until now, I had never read it. She's a Zen Buddhist as well as a dedicated writer. She writes short chapters touching on different aspects of her writing practice and weaving in some stories from her own life. Her goal is to encourage others on the writing path. Well, I'm one of those people who needs the encouragement and I found her approach and her style comforting and challenging at the same time.

This is her formula for a good writing practice routine:

1. Keep your hand moving. (Don't pause to reread the line you have just written. That's stalling and trying to get control of what you're saying.)
2. Don't cross out. (That is editing as you write. Even if you write something you didn't mean to write, leave it.)
3. Don't worry about spelling, punctuation, grammar. (Don't even care about staying within the margins and lines on the page.)
4. Lose control.
5. Don't think. Don't get logical.
6. Go for the jugular. (If something comes up in your writing that is scary or naked, dive right into it. It probably has lots of energy. (p.8)

Ms. Goldberg's idea of writing practice is to fill up a spiral notebook each month for a minimum of two years before even thinking about publishing. That's why it's called writing practice. She firmly believes that the more you practice, the stronger your writing will become. She also says that you should not be afraid of writing the worst stuff in the world, just continue to write, return to it after a few weeks or months and underline the parts that have the most life to them, maybe use them as jumping off points for further writing.

Presently, I am writing both her way (fast, uncontrolled, using writing prompts to get me going) and the other way (slow, controlled, following a topic of my choice). They each have their merits, so I think I'll continue with it. It's been almost two months since I began taking my writing seriously. I started out, in my usual fashion, gung-ho for trying to write articles/essays for magazines, but was drawn away from that towards work on my memoir. First I was doing research on my great grandfather who came to New York City with his poor family from Ireland when he was a child and became a police officer working under a corrupt Tammany Hall police chief. He retired in his mid 40s to become a bookie, worked at that for 20 more years and then grew old and ill and died. Part of my research was going over my father's genealogical research and then emailing and talking to him. This was a very nice arrangement because it brought me closer to my father and stirred up enthusiasm in me to keep pursuing the story.

Then I set aside that research and took the plunge and got in touch with an old friend from grade school and junior high school on facebook. I told her that though I suffer from schizophrenia, I am in recovery and am working on a memoir. She was pleased to hear from me and said that she had even tried to find me on facebook a few months ago, but had no luck. She's been busy teaching, but we've managed to pass some memories back and forth. It's quite a step forward for me to reach out to her and I'm considering contacting a few other people along the way. Facebook could turn out to be a wonderful tool for reconstructing the past and reconnecting with people who meant a lot to me growing up. After I left New York City in 1989, I cut myself off from a past that I am only now trying to reclaim. But it takes a certain courage to admit what I've done or failed to do in my life and to reveal my diagnosis to others. I am firmly entrenched in middle age now, as are all the people I have known who have survived. I have a healthy respect for that survival instinct in us all.

So my writing practice has meandered from a time before I was born, to my childhood and youth and then has skipped ahead to my time with Brendan and later to my experience with schizophrenia. I've also written a few poems, begun a couple of short stories and continued transcribing my journals. I haven't been able to write every day, but I am writing. These next two years will be about generating raw material to rework and mold. And then there's getting back into just plain reading, both books on the craft of writing and memoirs, novels, poetry and articles in magazines.

Otherwise, my life has been quiet and fairly uneventful, but I am trying to sponsor a wonderful, but presently miserable, young woman who suffers from schizoaffective disorder. She is smart, artistic and hardworking and I believe she has the stuff to get through this hard time and into better times. I think, with the right kind of support, we can all get through our hard times. I've decided to offer my friendship to others in need on a site that Chris had mentioned a while ago called NoLongerLonely.com. It's a friendship/dating site for people who suffer from all kinds of mental illness. I tried to join last May, but couldn't log on and forgot about it till they recently sent me an email saying that they had just upgraded the site. I checked it out and was pleased to find that they have provided sections to post personal artwork, stories and poems, blogs as well as having a forum and chat feature. There are people there from all across the U.S. and from England, Australia, New Zealand, Canada and perhaps other places as well. If you're interested, here's the link: nolongerlonely

I Do Not Deny The Negative

It's true, I don't. I know that people are suffering every second of every day and night; I know that I dip into suffering throughout the day/night. I wrote this song a few months ago (don't know what it's called yet) and these are the lyrics:

I've been crazy,

Down on my knees and begging,

Paranoid and isolated,

Out of my ever loving mind.

Lucifer's in recovery

I was told.

Just be patient a little while longer

You'll be brought back into the fold.

Chorus:

Life's a struggle for everyone I know,

And everyone I don't know, I'm sure.

Just because you lost your mind along the way

Don't let it stop you from opening the door--

To the outside, to the outside, to the outside.

I've been crazy,

But never divorced from God,

I kept turning my cheek to the Devil

To see what was left inside.

Lucifer's in recovery

I was told

Just be patient a little while longer

You'll be brought back into the fold.

Well, that's the gist of it, just that even in the worst times, there was always a bit of light, but you had to look for it. I'm a bit amazed to hear people talking about the voices as if they were solely negative, with no redemptive quality because I have never found that to be the case. I have found that when some voices thoroughly attacked me, other voices worked damn hard to make sure that I kept holding on to what little positive I could find in the situation. Yes, there were times when I was overtaken. I especially remember being consigned to Hell for I don't know how long, could have been an hour or a few minutes, but it felt way too long and I was terrified that I would be stuck there forever. But even then I could tell that the Judges (there were a couple of them) were not fair judges, but judges corrupted by suffering. And I'd felt that before, as if I was connected to some being that was submerged in all the suffering in this world and I was there to share in some of his burden. A heavy, heavy burden indeed. But I knew then and I know now that it is not the whole picture. It was like looking at and experiencing life through the dark half of a yin yang symbol with just a touch of light and no more.

Negativity is part of life and some of it is probably essential to life, but negativity can be like a whirlpool, and once you're pulled into it you get sucked down into an abyss that is hard to pull yourself out of without some outside help and inside determination. Some suffering is instructional, some even akin to spiritual, but too much of it is just unnecessary. To say that people have suffered and are suffering right now is true. Suffering is pervasive. But to say that by noting the existence of suffering that you are being more realistic than some about the Truth of Life I don't think is true.

It sucks, but the negative is easier to embrace than the positive; we fall into patterns of it and get worn down by it. The negative has an unfair advantage. In its very nature it obscures the light, but that doesn't mean that the light doesn't exist and that it can't return to balance out the night. I freely admit that I am someone who was influenced by the 12 step literature in the group Al-Anon (a self-help group for people who are friends and families of alcoholics). I didn't really follow the steps very closely, but I did pick up on the idea of having an "attitude of gratitude" about difficult circumstances. I lived with an abusive alcoholic who very often saw life as the glass half empty rather than half full. His attitude coupled with his regularly abusive behavior towards me wore me down, but I didn't believe all the dark stuff that came out in his talking or yelling. I never embraced it. I didn't become anti-semitic, homophobic and essentially pessimistic about people and life, though I did get very depressed, just worn out waiting on him. So, though I didn't embrace his attitude, I still was deeply affected by it, to the point where I had to shut him out of my life.

In retrospect, I regret that now, but I also understand it. Without knowing it, I did suck up some of that prejudiced negativity. Instead of softening and seeing how close I was to hope, I shut down and got numb. I'm still not as sensitive as I could be, but I'm thawing out. And part of why I have been thawing out is because I practice gratitude. Just after my third and last breakdown in December 2001, I began instructing myself in my journal to practice recovery behaviors: take the medications, therapy once a week, read support literature, write in journal, get plenty of rest, eat regular meals, etc... I also wrote down warning signals of impending psychosis: any delusion, talking a loud too much, driving when in a delusion, paranoia, not sleeping enough or too irregularly, getting too tired after being around people for 4-5 hours, an inability to concentrate, etc... In effect, I was trying to work a program by loosely basing it on the 12 step program for co-dependents. It wasn't a perfect fit, but it was something to hold onto. I still wish there was a daily reader out there for people who suffer from any form of psychosis. For now, I still return to the Al-Anon daily readers when I get particularly stuck.

Okay, so the negative exists; people commit suicide or die young of disease or accident and ultimately we're all going to die. Being negative doesn't make the negative go away or lessen; it intensifies it. But being positive in the face of the negative does have the power to decrease it and sometimes even transforms it into happiness. I have often thought that the fact that I can use language to form ideas and express feelings is a wonderful ability in itself, even when I've had negative voices hammering away at my psyche. I've looked at the negative voices this way and have seen that despite their darkness they are creative, imaginative and intelligent. Most people look upon an enemy as the scum of the earth, not worth anything good, but there are some of us who can try to find the friend inside the enemy. Believe me, I don't always succeed. There are times when I succumb to my anxiety and fall back into my corner believing the conformist belief that some people are unredeemable, or worse, that I am unredeemable. I fight that. I hope I always will.

E. Fuller Torrey, M.D. -- A Wounded Zealot

I bought the book Surviving Schizophrenia: A Manual For Families, Consumers, And Providers by E. Fuller Torrey, M.D. (4th edition) sometime after the year 2001. In the fall of 2001 I had returned to art school, but was not taking any anti-psychotic medications. At first I was doing quite well, but by the end of the semester I had crashed into my last psychotic break. By the beginning of 2002, I was committed to taking the medications. I bought the book at a Border's bookstore in Rochester. I was drawn to the title because that's what I wanted, to survive the illness. I opened to the first chapter; it was called Dimensions Of The Disaster, not Dimensions of the Illness, or Problem or Puzzle, but Dimensions of DISASTER. Disaster conjures up visions of tornadoes, tsunamis, earthquakes and in it's wake destruction and death. And at that point in my life, I could accept that pronouncement because I had just survived for the third time in three years, something disastrous--a psychotic break with reality. As I skimmed through the book, it seemed to be one that would answers many, many questions. And later, on the NAMI message boards for schizophrenia, I would see it referred to as the "Bible" on schizophrenia. But too many times as I read through some chapters, I kept getting tripped up by the negative and dogmatic attitude interspersed throughout it. So I put the book down and forgot about it.

A little over a week ago I picked it up seeking to once again expand my knowledge of my illness so that I could write an informed essay on some aspect of schizophrenia or of my personal experience with it. I remembered that I had been skeptical about it in the past, but thought I would give it another chance. I skipped the first chapter and went directly to the second entitled The Inner World Of Madness: View From The Inside. My first thought was that Mr. Torrey was being a bit presumptuous. He did not suffer from schizophrenia and he could not know about it from the inside. As I read I saw that he did include the perspective of some people who did suffer from schizophrenia and some of that was interesting, but still I thought the tone was off. I had the thought that I might write an article that challenged some of Torrey's perspectives, but first I wanted to get the newest edition, after all he might have changed his position in the intervening years. The newest 5th edition dates from 2006. I ordered the book and got it today.

Right away I compared the two editions to see what had changed and what had remained the same. I felt like a detective...or a journalist. On the cover I noticed that the word "Consumers" in the title had been changed to "Patients". The next thing I noticed was that the first "Disaster" chapter had been moved almost all the way to the back of the book and the second insider view of "madness" had been pushed up to the opening spot. I'm not going to review all the changes, just one that particularly drew my attention. In the 4th chapter, Onset, Course, And Prognosis, towards the end of it the author fit in amongst the sections something titled The "Recovery Model". I thought, yes, now maybe we're getting somewhere good. I believe in the "recovery model" and was hoping that he was starting to, too. No such luck. Mr. Torrey writes: "The 'recovery model' has no foundation in scientific studies or data. It has its roots in mid-twentieth-century exhortations about 'the power of positive thinking' and similar self-help movements....The problem with the 'recovery model' is that it places unrealistic expectations on individuals who suffer from schizophrenia and their families. If the person does not recover, then it must be because they are not trying hard enough. This is like telling individuals with acute polio that they can walk if they just try hard enough; the reality is otherwise."

Here is a little bit of background on Mr. Torrey: He was born in Utica, New York in 1936 and got his bachelor's degree magna cum laude from Princeton, his medical degree from the McGill University School of Medicine, a master's degree in anthropology from Stanford University and also trained in psychiatry there as well. His sister Rhoda was diagnosed as having schizophrenia in 1957. In the 1940s and 50s there was a strong tendency, due in part to Freudian psychoanalysis, to place blame for schizophrenia on poor parenting, especially poor mothering. Mr. Torrey has said that this had a strong and negative effect on his mother and obviously on him too, to some extent. Meanwhile, his sister has never recovered and has mostly lived in psychiatric hospitals.

Personal experience tends to color everything and create certain preferences, beliefs and even prejudices. Mr. Torrey seems to have dedicated his life to helping those who suffer from mental illness, and their loved ones, learn to cope better through education. The problem is that his education has serious flaws, particularly since he is in a position of influence, a position he has been known to use to his advantage on occasion. What's tricky in his book is that his obvious negative prejudice is interwoven with elements that are also accurate or at least sensible. I certainly wouldn't say--throw the book away, nor would I say that Mr. Torrey's life is so misguided as to be wasted. But I do say, that he is too quick to throw out the idea that schizophrenia goes beyond the biological and into the psychosocial and even spiritual realms. His view is dry. It doesn't lack heart, it lacks insight, the insight of precisely those he is trying to help.

Of the "recovery model" he writes that it "has been widely extolled by a few individuals who had an episode of schizophrenia, or some related illness, from which they recovered. As such, these individuals fall into the category of the 25 percent of patients who completely recover. What these individuals are saying is: 'If I did it, so can you!'" I don't believe that those of us who do move in the direction of recovery are as few as Mr. Torrey seems to think. In fact, I think as society gradually begins to change its views on mental illness, deflating the stigma attached to it, more and more people will venture out to new territory and start to spread their wings.

I did not have one "episode" of schizophrenia and I am not fully recovered, but I am proud of how far I have come, proud that I survived the acute stage of my illness. I was acutely ill for years and then for years depressed. This recovery of mine has been hard won and is precious to me. Mr. Torrey thinks he is a realist, but I think he is more of a fatalist, which is odd for a doctor. A good attitude and positive feedback, a creative approach and natural intelligence along with yes, medicine and a great deal of patience is what I call living in recovery and it is good enough. Low expectations create a low level of living. I know you should dare to dream, if only just a little at a time. If you take away the dream, you not only lessen the quality of life, you shorten life itself. There may be no scientific data on that, but that doesn't detract from its veracity. The science of the body is not all there is, though it is important and before we return to dust let us embrace our spirit which is so much greater than just "the power of positive thinking".

Taking The First Steps Towards Freelance Writing

On Tuesday January 26th I made up a Workflow sheet that is divided into five headings: 1. Work on Memoirs -- Research, 2. Work on Memoirs -- Writing Exercises, 3. JournalBook Transcription, 4. Magazine Article Research, and 5. Magazine Article Writing. Each day I keep track of what I work on and how much time I spend on each project/assignment. So far, except for today, I've worked 10 consecutive days and an average of 7.5 hours a day. Actually I started out working about 5 hours and then jumped up to 9-11 hours a day. The main point is that I am attempting to work full time at writing and researching. I know full well that I have a bad tendency to get very involved in a creative project and then switch to something different after a month or two. I will be watching myself closely to see if I do the same thing with this venture. Right now I am hopeful and what's more I'm becoming much more organized, which I think may be a key to any success.

I invested in 5 freelance writing related books, all of which I am finding are very useful and motivating. The most important book for a freelance writer, whether a beginner or a seasoned professional, is the Writer's Market 2010. I got the deluxe edition which includes online access to writersmarket.com for a year where there are even more listings for consumer magazines, trade magazines and also literary agents and book publishers. The price at Amazon.com was about $31. The book alone costs about $20. It's worth the money if you're serious about writing for magazines, which is the direction I'm heading in. Which leads me to my next book in order of importance: Writing For Magazines 2nd edition (2005) by Cheryl Sloan Wray. This book is a bit pricey, $40 new from Amazon, $35 new from other sellers on Amazon and $27 used from other sellers on Amazon, not including shipping and handling. Still, I'm finding that, though the book is not a big book and is a paperback, it is worth the money. Why? Because she takes you step by step through the process of not only doing the actual essay/article writing itself (research, outlines, stylistic approaches, grammar and punctuation, etc...), but also of understanding the business side of writing for magazines. This is the book I have been putting a chunk of my time into reading each day. If you do decide to buy this book, be sure to get the 2nd edition.

The next three books are geared most specifically towards the business side of freelance writing. They are not absolutely essential to have, but I have found them to be useful in understanding writing as a business venture, rather than as purely a creative venture. I'm going to list them according to my preference. The first one is called Make a Real Living as a Freelance Writer: How to Win Top Writing Assignments by Jenna Glatzer (2004).

The goal of this book is guide the reader towards a full time career as a magazine writer; it is just as useful for someone like me who might work full time, but only earn part time wages, at least during the first couple of years of trying to enter the market. She really gives you an insider's view into the business, and also, she can be pretty funny too, which I appreciate. Right now, you can buy it new at Amazon for about $14, and, again, it's worth it, especially in conjunction with the two previous books.

The second book is similar to Ms. Glatzer's book and it's called Six Figure Freelancing: The Writer's Guide To Making More Money by Kelly James-Enger (2005). Obviously, this book is about full time freelancing. Ms. James-Enger started out as a lawyer, no mean feat in itself, and then quit her job to become a full-time freelance writer. She went from earning $17,000 her first year to earning more that $100,000 her sixth year. I've only gotten a third of the way through this book and it is good so far, though her style is serious and not as funny as Ms. Glatzer's style. Still, I'm am going to read it through and learn all I can from her very business like approach to her career. You can buy her book new on Amazon for about $11.

The last book I bought is called Writer Profits: "How I Got the Gig" Volume 1 : 15 Writers Tell How They Get Paying Gigs--and How YOU Can, Too", Edited by Susan M. Carter (2007). This book is a little uneven in its presentation, but still interesting because it gives you a view into different writers' approaches to writing. Some are full time workers, some part time and some do it for the love of it. Some write books, other write for magazines, some are technical writers, etc... There's a lot of practical advice given out from each writer and, not surprisingly, the styles vary from one to another. You can get it new from Amazon for $15 or new from other sellers on Amazon for just under $8.

Basically, what I'm getting out of these books is that earning money from writing is not an easy thing, you have to work at it the way you have to work at any job or career. But it is possible if you apply yourself and get very practical. You have to have a good attitude too. It is way too easy to get negative. Don't do that! I'm learning how to identify when I get negative and what I say to myself in those moods. Being negative is a waste of time, but it will happen, just don't let it take hold of you. Most of the authors of these books I'm reading say flat out, you WILL be rejected, over and over again. The key is not to stop trying. If one market doesn't respond to you, then try another. So have some faith in yourself, that's what I'm working on right now.