Cultivating Nirvana: Remembering To Remember

You've probably heard the phrase, "What's goes around, comes around."  This is the cyclical nature of karma.  Good will and good acts, and ill will and hurtful acts, will circle back to you, so you reap what you sow.  This is true for everyone.  But this pattern is not an expression of fate or destiny because you  have the free will to choose just what it is you want to sow.  This is where the benefits of waking up come into play and where the yearning for enlightenment takes root.  The more aware you are of your habitual patterns, that is, living on autopilot and thoughtlessly reacting to your environment, the more chances you get to sow the seeds of goodness taking the necessary steps towards enlightenment.

What is enlightenment?  That depends on you and what is most important to you.  I like to think that enlightenment must have the harmony of heaven.  We all want to be happy.  We yearn for heaven on earth and if we can't get it now, we imagine finding it in the time after we die.  I'm more concerned with cultivating heaven in the present moment.  Nirvana is in the now, even if you are tapping into the pain that runs through it or inside it.  The elements of happiness are already here.  This planet and the sun we orbit sustain our lives, and the life on this planet is a miracle.  That we breath in oxygen and out carbon dioxide continuously replenishing our blood supply is a good symbol of the harmony in every moment.  So people who practice awareness meditation of the breath focus in on that ever present harmony; they tap into a resource, into the perks of being alive.

Meditating on our breath lets us see how often we forget to notice our breath in the midst of being lost in thoughts and feelings.  In forgetting the breath, we forget our essence and the basic element of why we are alive.  We forget so very much.  I mentioned earth and the sun and the miracle of life here, but did you really stop and consider that?  Moments of appreciation and of awe we walk past as if we were wearing blinders.  I do this a lot of the time.  The voices used to say two phrases when I was acutely ill and they were "Forget to Remember" and "Remember To Forget".  If you forget to remember, it is understandable; forgetfulness happens and sometimes is necessary.  But when you remember to forget, you make a conscious choice to push it away.  I think we do both, forget and make a choice to forget.  I also think that we are aware and can make the choice to stay aware.  I see myself as this mixture of being partially aware and partially unconscious, sunk in amnesia.  I see my vulnerability and yet I am not as vulnerable as if I were totally asleep.  Within a speck of awareness are all the supports I need to keep practicing, if I can remember to not forget, not push away what is right in front of me.

But I do; I've trained myself since I was little to grab onto pleasure and push away pain.  Pain comes in many guises, from mild discomfort to torment with the whole range of intensities in between.  If we look honestly, we see that we co-exist with pain; it is part of the landscape.  It may be as simple as a sore back or a nagging worry, but the elements and potentiality of pain are close at hand.  Perhaps it is no wonder that we seek to distract ourselves with instant gratification.  We are still the helpless infant with the bottle or the breast.  Think about your beginnings, your infancy and childhood.  Think about your caretakers and the emphasis on learning and learning quickly, mostly through imitation.  And yet no one taught us how to crawl.  I remember taking care of a friend's baby when she was just starting to learn how to crawl.  I lay her on her back on a blanket on the floor, so there was no chance of her falling off anything, and I allowed myself the joy of watching her.  This particular baby had a lovely, open, cheerful spirit and she wasn't satisfied with just lying on her back staring up at the ceiling; she wanted to move.  And move she did, with the patience of a trained gymnast learning her routine.  But obviously she wasn't a gymnast and there were no rules, regulations or instinct for competition, there was just the simple yet powerful desire to move, to explore the world she found herself in.

I fell in love with the spirit inside that little girl and was grateful to be able to provide her with a safe place to experiment, practice and learn.  She was a good teacher, too.  A very mindful teacher.  She was in the midst of the joy of trying to learn something new.  She worked hard and gradually learned to crawl.  But a lot of our learning is not so natural, it is taught through the medium of a caretaker/teacher.  We have to learn how to pay attention, follow, imitate and interact.  Caretakers/teachers are human and were taught by other caretakers/teachers who made mistakes.  We learned good and bad behaviors from how other people behaved and acted around us.  Back to karma. But regardless of whether we behaved well or poorly, we got an abundant dose of instant gratification starting with the bottle or the breast and moving on to food, television, games, toys.  We were taught to seek out pleasure to cover up our uncertainty and pain, to pacify ourselves.  Distraction became a temporary antidote until there was a lull and the pain came back.

Maybe the underlying pain stems from the first few times we realized that we were helpless and that what we wanted most desperately was outside of us.  Born along with the sense of self is the sense of loss.  Yes and no are the first basic words we learn.  We said yes to being fed, held, cleaned and talked to, to being loved and no to the sense of separation and the ensuing insecurity.  Are the terrible twos terrible because that's when a child learns how to say "No!!" ?  When a child say no, it means so much more than just refusing to do a certain activity or task.  It's more a big NO to the human condition itself.  It's an expression of pain at the same time that it is a demand to stop the pain.  Unreasonable, passionate, expressive, this is what many assertions of self revolve around: the hurt, the anger and loss.

Cultivating nirvana in the present is about learning to let go of our reactions to loss long enough to realize that there is so much left over that is good.  The beginning of life for us all was nine months in the womb, sealed in, protected, well fed and one with our mothers.  Being born is a loss and yet what each of us gain is the world itself.  In order to survive we become explorers and every moment is a new frontier.  The baby learning to crawl has tapped into the joy of this.  She has her breath and body and the space to practice and learn.  As we practice, we make mistakes, but from those mistakes we learn even more than if we had done the practice flawlessly.  And sometimes mistakes turn into new discoveries.  Instead of doing it the "right" way, we do it another way that is just as right as the initial way.  That's a discovery in itself:  there are many ways to experience our lives and the choices make life workable.  We are not sealed up and dependent on one source of happiness as we were inside the womb.  We have freedom and many access points to happiness in every moment.

Instead of remembering to forget the pain in life through distractions, we could remember to remember that there is so much space around the pain and in that space is harmony, nirvana.  Even the pain itself is instructional and because of this it is also part of the harmony.  The question we should ask ourselves is not "What is wrong with this moment?", but "What is right in this moment?"  This shift of focus is monumental; it is a shift away from the belief in original sin and the experience of hell on earth towards a belief in original goodness, also called Buddha Nature, and heaven or nirvana in the here and now.  But before you can get to the question of what is right in this moment, you have to sit with your pain, acknowledge it, respect it and what it can teach you.  Don't be afraid of the pain.  Fear of pain magnifies the pain and distorts the greater truth.  When you sit with it like sitting with an ailing friend you de-escalate the suffering and thereby give yourself the strength to continue sitting instead of acting out, running away or stuffing your feelings and numbing out.  And when you stop and sit you give yourself the chance to reflect with balance and ask the question "What is right in this moment?"

I really believe that transforming ourselves and the world we live in towards peace and harmony is very possible, but it requires this shift in attitude in every individual.  No one can do the practice for you.  Look at and reflect on the pain you encounter in your lives; don't be so quick to label it as "bad" and don't let that mistaken assumption color your world.  Pain and pleasure are just part of the landscape of our lives, but they are also the best teachers we'll ever have.

The Balancing Act Of Yin And Yang

We are like this seagull:  we can find balance or we can fall or we can even, symbolically, fly.  Balance allows us to land and settle and balance allows us to take off and fly.  The experience of falling also has balance in it, the balance of letting go and trusting despite the thrill or the fear of it.  To me this photograph is a good example of actual and potential balance, yin and yang in action.

In Chinese the literal meaning of the word yin is shadow and the literal meaning of the word yang is light.  The yin and yang symbol is often illustrated in black and white showing the greatest extremes co-joined in a balanced duality.  The symbol is perfectly contained yet implies movement.  It is supposed to represent the elements of nature, opposing yet not in opposition, rather interconnected.  Human beings are animals and evolved from nature and have literal and figurative elements of shadow and light in their make-up as does everything in our world.  This experience of contrasts is how we sense, and make sense of, ourselves and our environment.  We see the difference between sunlight and shadows or we feel the difference between the warmth from the sun and the coolness of the shadows.  These contrasts, and all the subtleties between them, make for the profound richness of our lives.

Duality, then, is an essential and intimate part of all our lives.  The yin and yang symbol, though it uses the visual language of extremes, really teaches about moderation, balance and the perfect compromise.  So why are humans often immoderate, unbalanced and in conflict?  The balance of yin and yang is perfection, heaven or "the pure lands", yet there is always flow and flux to it.  There are innumerable combinations which allow us to become unbalanced.  But is that lack of balance a lack of perfection?  Or is it the perfection of a process that moves towards a larger view, a broader picture?  We too often label the low points in our lives as bad and the high points as good when really they are both just different aspects of a fertile and fully experienced lifetime.

I don't mean to minimize the intensity that our suffering can reach, but suffering never is or has been the whole picture.  If it were, we would have no means of surviving and certainly none of being happy.  It is when we are seeing black, really imagining that all is hopeless and dark, that we can make the biggest fall of all into aggressive acts against ourselves and/or others.  But before the act comes the thoughts and feelings, the reactions to the real and imagined pain in our present moment.  Always there is the touch of light amidst a black background, but when we focus on the darkness and even add to the darkness, we blot out the one door out of our prison.  Controlled by our imagination we think there is no door to freedom, to the outside.  I'm convinced that the reality is that there is always a door available.

There is a Tibetan lojong slogan that goes, "Train in the three difficulties."  The first difficulty is to recognize mental illness as mental illness.  Pema Chodron uses the word neurosis, but I have found that it applies just as much to psychosis, depression and anxiety.  Recognition is intuitive awareness and awareness is the first major step towards beneficial change in yourself and towards others, which leads to the second difficulty which is to do something different after you recognize your illness.  Doing the usual thing, the habitual thoughtless thing, leads you to reinforce the original illness.  Instead of finding some liberation from sickness, you settle more deeply into it.  The only way to find the door, the access to light, is to take the blinders off your eyes.  That's doing something different.  The final difficulty is to make this your life's practice.

Actually, I think the first and second difficulty are one in the same.  The act of recognizing is an act of doing something different.  The question is how to you get to the point where you are ready to become aware?  I've been looking back on some of my adult life, reading a journal from the early years of my recovery, and I see now what I was unable to see then, that I was harboring, even cultivating, resentment towards these mysterious and challenging voices in my mind.  I was full of questions and I chased the questions wanting answers like a cat chasing its own tail.  Some of the questions were understandable, but others revealed my particular bias towards blaming them for my own ills.  Interspersed in the resentment was the germination of a compassion practice towards them and myself because we appeared to both be ill.  That practice was enough for me to see the touch of light in the midst of my persistent depression.

It's been almost eleven years since I entered into recovery.  The early years, when I was struggling to get my BFA degree, were not easy.  Now I can see that I made them harder.  I was self centered, self isolating and resentful, but I was also curious, thoughtful and basically non harming.  I did return again and again to the practice of gratitude and lovingkindness however imperfectly.  Anyway, it was enough to get me to this point where I'm more ready to be aware than I was before.  A lot more ready.  It's only been since I finished reading "Dharma In Hell" that I realized that I do have a daily Buddhist practice.  I practice lovingkindness towards myself, the voices and everyone, but I came to the practice gradually.  A little bit here and a little bit there while going in circles and falling backwards.  I believed strongly in that little ray of light and when I could I nurtured it.  None of it has gone to waste and life on the path continues.  I am just beginning to enter into compassion practice which is harder than lovingkindness practice in that I will have to feel the pain in myself, others and the situations we get ourselves into.

Next Tuesday, on September 11th, I will go to my first NAMI meeting in a nearby town.  This is very important to me and hopefully to the other people who attend.  It will give me the chance to be of service to a few of the people in my community.  Early in the acute stage of my psychosis, the voices ordered me to be of benefit to my community and despite battling the delusions and my paranoia I did help a few people out.  Then I pulled back into myself and gradually I have started reaching out.  It took me years just to reach out to people online and then years of me wishing that there was a support group to go to.  The time has come.  I'll be nervous, but I will work to stay open to the opportunities that present themselves to me, opportunities to share my story and to listen and learn from other people's stories.  The flux and flow of yin interacting with yang has brought me to this place, a place where I can finally open the door.

Book Review: "Dharma In Hell" by Fleet Maull

"I'm thoroughly convinced after spending fourteen years in prison with murderers, rapists, bank robbers, child molesters, tax dodgers, drug dealers and every sort of criminal imaginable, that the fundamental nature of all human beings is good.  I have absolutely no doubt in my mind."
                                                                                                                   Fleet Maull

Fleet Maull started out a Buddhist practitioner studying with Chogyam Trungpa, Pema Chodron's root teacher, in the mid 1970s into the mid 1980s.  During this time he also became both an addict and a cocaine drug smuggler.  He lived two lives side by side.  After being under investigation by federal agents for a while, he was indicted in May of 1985 and following the advice of some senior Buddhist teachers, he turned himself in.  He got a 30 year, no parole prison sentence.  This was his first and longterm introduction into hell.

His years of Buddhist training gave him a spiritual and practical foundation, a focus and a purpose, which, despite the hellish circumstances, he soon put to good use.  Being in such close contact with all the men suffering around him and wanting to be of service as his teacher Chogyam Trungpa had taught him soon shifted his attention from his own pain to the pain of others.  Not only did he start a meditation group, but he also found a way to begin a prison hospice program and became a hospice worker for the rest of his stay in prison.  He was particularly moved by the isolation and suffering of AIDS patients during a time when the fear of contracting AIDS was at its peak.

Meditation practice was anything but easy in an environment of overcrowding, noise and potential violence, but Fleet Maull was not deterred.  He committed himself wholeheartedly and set an example that other inmates could respect, some even follow.  Meditation was his life raft, but his service work with dying inmates gave him the spiritual food and water to sustain him through the many years that followed.  In this way, virtual strangers became friends and the friendships he created gave meaning to him and to those he helped.  Of course, it was not easy sometimes, but even the difficulties became important lessons that helped him to continue with his important work.

In the first chapter of "Dharma In Hell" the author compares his Buddhist practice in prison to the Buddhist training gotten by serious practitioners in charnel grounds.  Charnel grounds are cemeteries for the impoverished; it is where dead bodies are left outside to be eaten by animals and to decompose.  A core teaching for Buddhists is the teaching on the impermanence of life and the fact that death comes for every living thing.  Accepting impermanence and death is an advanced yet effective practice, one that Fleet Maull embraced and through it all as his practice deepened, so did his moments of happiness.
Not easy, but a very useful and very honorable way to do time.

"Dharma In Hell" is a rather short book, but it is a good book to read to get some insight into life in prison from the perspective of a spiritual seeker and practitioner.  There is a Tibetan Buddhist mind training slogan that goes, "When the world is filled with evil, transform all mishaps into the path of the bodhi."  This is just what Mr. Maull did, he took extremely difficult life circumstances and turned them into a spiritual path.  This is good news, not only for other inmates who would like to do that same thing, but for all of us who have struggled with harsh realities.  The hells we face on earth can be transformed, if not into paradise, then into close approximations of it.  But it takes dedication to practice, it takes courage and it takes a willingness to open your heart to others.

I can identify with Fleet Maull's experience of prison, though I have never been inside a prison.  I've survived a domestic violence relationship and that had at times the extremely restricted feel that I imagine prisons to have.  And then there was me getting through the acute stages of mental illness where the paranoia, which is a deeply rooted part of the illness, left me feeling exposed 24/7.  I felt as if I were never alone and as if I could not escape to freedom, no matter how much I wanted it.  More than that, I felt the daily torture of it all and no matter how many people I was around, I still felt isolated in my misery.  The fact that people such as myself can feel what it is like to be imprisoned, while not being locked up in an actual prison, says a lot about the human condition.  But that the institution of prisons exists in the US for over 2 million people on any given day says even more.

It says that we as a culture do not want to deal with the fact that people are human, that they make mistakes, that they get addicted, that they get pulled into violence amongst other things.  Over 400 teenagers in the state of Texas alone have been sentenced to life imprisonment.  More than 70,000 prisoners get raped each year.  At least 50,000 men are existing in solitary confinement each day.  The US has the highest incarceration rate in the entire world.  To add insult to injury businessmen have turned making prisons into private business ventures.  This is the wrong approach; prison reform is desperately needed.  Convicts are so much more than what they are convicted of, they are human beings and the potential for healing their illnesses and reforming their behaviors is great, if they are treated with common sense and respect.  Give a man or woman who has committed a crime some respect and responsibility and let the transformation begin.

Fleet Maull founded the Prison Dharma Network in 1987.  You can also find out more about him on his website: http://fleetmaull.com

John Lennon's Killer Denied Parole For The 7th Time

I feel honor bound to make note of the fact that Mark David Chapman, who has been incarcerated for almost 32 years for murdering John Lennon on December 8th, 1980, has been denied parole for the 7th time since the year 2000.  It is not surprising to me that he has been denied parole and I don't see him ever becoming a free man, unless they release him as a very old man.  Because he killed John Lennon, who was a beloved and iconic figure, and because so many people still revile Mr. Chapman for his violent act, he will be treated as a special case and be denied the opportunities that other men have been granted after spending over 20 years in prison because of having committed a murder.

The reason I feel honor bound is that I believe that Mr. Chapman suffers from elements of the same illness I have suffered from, namely schizophrenia and other related illnesses.  Though I am amongst the majority of the mentally ill who have not been violent towards others, under other circumstances it could have been me locked away in prison with little hope of getting out.  And for me it brings up the question:  how should mentally ill people who have been violent be treated?  Many say, keep them locked up for life and others say kill them, but I think that is an evasion.  I know from experience that one can become extremely deluded and paranoid and then come out of it and return to some form of recovery.  The difference between me and Mark Chapman is that he committed one act, the act of murder, that he can never take back.  But does he really deserve to be locked up in a 6' x 10' cell, mostly in isolation, for the rest of his days?

Many people say yes, including Yoko Ono, who fears that Mr. Chapman, if released, would go on to murder one or both of John Lennon's sons.  Truth is more likely that Mr. Chapman would be in more danger of being harmed than of doing the harm because, even over 30 years later, some people still want violent retribution for what he did.  What Mark Chapman did was the result of severe mental illness and easy access to a gun and to ammunition, but some elements of society that believe so firmly in retribution, are also mentally ill.  I've read numerous comments from people, including a 12 year old girl, wishing for Mark Chapman only torture and death.  Even if I weren't leaning very strongly towards Buddhism, I would still believe in the preciousness of compassion.  I have been influenced enough by Jesus' instruction to love one's enemies, forgoing judgment in favor of compassion, to know that I believe that hatred cannot conquer hatred, that only love has the power to deeply heal even the hardest of men and women.

From what I've read, Mark Chapman is neither hard hearted nor uncooperative.  There were a few instances of acting out during delusional episodes in the first decade or so, but there has been no record of misconduct from him since 1994.  He has been described as a "model prisoner".  He is kept from most other inmates because there is fear for his safety still.  He is a Christian, more specifically a Born Again Christian or at least he was at his last parole hearing two years ago.  I have no idea if he was or is being given therapy, but it appears he hasn't taken psychiatric drugs for many years.  Early on he said he disliked psychiatry and resisted being labelled a schizophrenia sufferer, but he did hear voices and was under the sway of delusional thinking off and on for years.  He chose to plead guilty to the charge of murdering John Lennon, instead of pleading innocent by reason of insanity, though many of the psychiatric doctors who tested and interviewed him asserted that he was definitely psychotic.  Regardless of this, he accepts the judgment handed down to him and knows he may never be free.  Part of what sustains him is his faith in a higher power.  Within the solitude of his life and in his heart, he believes that he has been forgiven.

What if Mark Chapman was your brother, son or husband?  How would you respond to him?  What kind of treatment would you want him to have?  There are millions of people with mental illness in the U.S. alone with a percentage that has fallen into violent attitudes and actions and there are millions of family members and friends who have been affected by the mentally ill.  This is true for those who are addicts as well.  The network of people affected by mental illness combined with those affected by addiction is vast, yet too many of us still remain silent.  There is too much stigma and shame attached to mental illness.  That's one reason why I write in this blog.  I refuse the stigma and I refuse the shame and I hope to encourage others to follow and share their stories.  Of course, we all have to work our process through gradually, but at some point I think we will be given the opportunity to be of help to others and to openly question the narrow-mindedness of stigma and the punishment that often follows.

Everyone of us has made serious mistakes in life, but when judging others who frighten and repel us, we often turn a blind eye to our own shortcomings.  And sometimes by doing that we transform into the very kind of being that we once condemned.  Judgmental, violent, mentally unstable, if not in action then in attitude and in intent.  In becoming hardliners we have to watch out about becoming hypocrites, too.  I know that I was at my sickest when I was full of resentment and judgment and that's what prevented me from starting to heal.  I was so involved in my own delusional story line that I wasn't able to see the bigger picture.  The bigger picture is so big because it includes everyone.  There really is room enough in all our hearts for everyone, but we have to turn our will towards it and cultivate it like we would cultivate a garden.

Change Of Diagnosis And A Response To Michael Moore's film "SICKO"

Several months ago at my psychiatrist's office they changed several things.  Now one must pay the copay upfront, prescriptions are no longer written out but called into one's pharmacy and each patient gets a print out that lists the diagnosis and current medications.  I noticed that my diagnosis was no longer schizophrenia, but schizo-affective disorder.  Just when my psychiatrist changed my diagnosis I do not know, but he never informed me of it and so far I haven't talked to him about it.  I've been so used to labeling myself a schizophrenia sufferer that it has taken me these several months to re-name my condition.  The truth is that schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar disorder are all related, but for some reason doctors seem to need to separate us.  Just about all my online friends suffer from schizoaffective disorder and several of them said that they thought I might suffer from the same thing because I've struggled with a lot of depression.  It's not so clear to me.  Many schizophrenia sufferers also suffer from depression, so what is the big difference?  Many professionals are not so sure and often misdiagnose patients or, as is true in my case, see a change from one condition to another very related condition.

So what is the difference between schizophrenia, bipolar and schizoaffective disorders?  Schizophrenia is considered a thought disorder, bipolar is considered a mood disorder and schizoaffective is considered a combination of a thought disorder and a mood disorder.  I'm not sure if I've got my statistics exactly correct, but generally speaking bipolar disorder is the most prevalent disorder out of the three affecting perhaps 3% of the population; schizophrenia affects about 1% and schizoaffective about .5% of the population.  Despite people with schizoaffective suffering from the worst of both schizophrenia and bipolar, it also appears to have a better longterm prognosis.  Not sure why.  Maybe there is more of a chance for balance instead of being stuck in one camp or another.

I've also read that anxiety disorders are fairly common for people with schizoaffective disorder.  The irony for me is that my problems with anxiety seem to stem from my high dose of the anti-psychotic Abilify.  Did I become schizoaffective because I began ingesting this medication?  Do medications, depending on their dosages, actually cause mental illnesses instead of preventing them??  This is an issue that Karen has also been exploring as she lowers her medications because she's seen that she is much healthier and productive on a lower dose of the anti-psychotic.  And since I lowered my dose of Abilify, I have had similar results.  Sometimes I wonder about conspiracy theories about pharmaceutical companies misleading so-called "consumers", which by the way is a horrible word for people who suffer from mental illness I think.  But that's just how they must see us and so that is what they call us.  I often wonder too about the Republican orientation towards glorifying business and the potential riches that come to mere individuals from doing business.  Business at the expense of morality is not business, it is swindling.

My brother gave me the documentary by Michael Moore called SICKO.  I saw it several years ago when it came out and watched it last night again.  I'm thinking of lending it to my friend Richard, who dodges calling himself a Republican, but who, in his views, really is Republican.  I have some hopes that some of what's in this critical, but also funny, documentary might make him pause and reflect and perhaps change his opinion.  He is after all a rehabilitative VA nurse.  He knows up close about how people suffer and die.  We have agreed several times that euthanasia should be a legal choice for people who are slowly dying while in pain.  Of course, he can't say that openly, but to me he sees the compassion of an overdose of morphine in certain cases.  I want the right to end my life if I so choose if I come down with something incurable and if that is denied to me in the future, I will find a way on my own, but it would be nice to go with a certain amount of dignity and in the company of family and/or friends.

If you haven't seen SICKO, do try to see it.  Yes, Mr. Moore's point of view is definitely left of center, but he interviews real people both in this country and in Canada, England, France and Cuba, countries that have successful universal care, that is government run healthcare for all.  I know the United States is a much larger country in the literal expanse of the land and in population and that that may make the changeover to universal care more complicated, but I still believe in time that it can and will be successful and stop all the unnecessary deaths and illnesses and heartache of too many Americans.  I have health insurance (at over $1000 a month), but this film shows me that this does not mean that I have security if I come down with a more serious health condition.  Right now, I have access to my medications, as does my brother, who suffers from Type 2 diabetes, but I can't be sure that I will always be covered, unless the Affordable Care Act goes into effect in 2014.

Mr. Moore's film has its funny moments certainly, but underneath it all it is very serious.  I think the humor is the sugar that makes the medicine go down more easily.  Humor is a bridge between opposing camps, at least sometimes.  Mr. Moore does mock the idea that the right holds onto like a dog with a bone that socialism is the anathema of democracy and capitalism.  He points out that we already have socialized institutions in place with the fire department, libraries, the police department, the postal service, etc... and our country has not fallen apart because of these public services.  If anything, we are more likely to fall apart without them.  Does the government need to be held accountable for infractions?  Yes, definitely, but so do private citizens who abuse their business privileges.  Health care for all should be a right and not a privilege for all people and without moral judgment against those deemed somehow unworthy.  Fact:  we are all going to die, many of us from sicknesses if not accidents and we must be compassionate about our eventual destiny and treat each other with dignity.  And yes, this does mean that those who have a great deal must contribute to those who don't.  The idea that people are superior because they are rich is to my mind a sick perspective.  They are not superior, they are damned lucky, no matter how hard they have worked.  People work very hard all over and most don't get a fraction in comparison.  This is not justice for all.  This is justice for some and that just doesn't cut it.

One Englishman that Mr. Moore interviewed said that the difference between his country and ours is that the English government is afraid when people protest, which English people have done over time with a fair amount of success.  He says poor Americans are disillusioned and instead of fighting back they are rather cowed into submission.  Many, too many, refuse to vote (like my friend Richard) because they've concluded that all politicians and people in government are corrupt.  And a lot are.  But that is not a very good reason to give up.  Maybe, with the advent of the internet and social networking, that is changing.  I really hope so.  The American frontier and farmer mentality of being the self made American and doing it on your own is outdated at best.  At worst, it degenerates into the ugly American view that many other countries have of us.  We can't do it on our own.  We are interdependent and have to care for each other, especially if we've been fortunate financially or otherwise.  Greed is a very ugly trait to encourage and develop and extol.

A Visit From My Elderly Parents

My parents arrived at the Rochester NY airport 6 hours late due to bad weather at JFK in New York City.  The stress of traveling is hard on anyone, but especially on people who are in the 80s and so my parents were exhausted.  Of course, by the time they arrived it was nighttime and I had to drive them and my brother the hour and a half home back to our little college town.  I'm no longer very comfortable driving at night, but it had to be done and I did it.  We arrived at my parents hotel after midnight.  I left the Apple iPad with them and told them I would be over the following morning to give them some instructions on how to use it after they had had their breakfast.

I had done a lot of work beforehand scheduling daily activities for the week ahead.  I had also spent a lot of time learning to use the iPad because I really wanted my parents to get the most out of that device considering their home computer was practically defunct.  When I arrived at their room later that morning I was somewhat nervous about teaching them and curious about what their reactions would be.  I had planned to try and teach them for an hour and a half each morning and let them explore it on their own each evening.  My mother responded positively to the iPad, but my father was rather intimidated by all the information I was giving him about it.  He kept asking me how I managed to learn to use it and I kept telling him that I had had a month to learn it and that I learned it by exploring it, by making mistakes and trying again.  I told him that this is what he and my mother would have to do, too.

As the week progressed I saw that they were having trouble with the most basic things such as turning it on and off, adjusting the volume (my mother is hard of hearing) and charging it.  One thing I did try a couple of times was using something called FaceTime which is the Apple equivalent to Skype or video conferencing.  The FaceTime application came with their iPad and I downloaded the App to my Apple laptop.  Personally I found it very easy to use, but my parents struggled a bit.  They had to learn how to stand the iPad up in order to see the screen and to adjust the volume so that it was all the way up so that my mother could hear me.  Once we got it working, my mother was very pleased with it.  She does not really like using the telephone.  She likes to be able to see the person she's talking to and this program allowed her to do just that.  I told her that this would be great to use in the coming months instead of using the phone.  The only glitch in the whole thing is that the program takes WiFi and they do not have a WiFi hotspot in their apartment at home.  There are some WiFi hotspots in the elevator hallways and in the library at their retirement community, so they would have to bring the iPad there in order to make a connection with me until they got WiFi in their apartment.  I have my fingers crossed that they will go ahead and do that soon.

Otherwise, the week went quite well.  I took on most of the responsibility for taking care of my parents shielding my brother from some of the stress of it.  But I found that the stress was not so bad for me.  I attributed some of that to lowering my medications.  About three weeks ago I saw my psychiatrist and asked him if I could begin to lower the antipsychotic drug Abilify that I was taking at the highest dose, 60 mg.  He said yes and told me to halve it by taking one 30 mg tablet instead of two.  I was surprised by his readiness to reduce the amount by so much so quickly, but I was willing to give it a try.  One of the main reasons why I wanted to reduce the Abilify was that I had been having a lot of trouble with anxiety for several years since I had been taking the drug.  I found out that anxiety was one of the side effects of it.  I've come to conclude that this was the case because in the last three weeks my anxiety level has nearly disappeared to the point where I stopped taking the anti-anxiety medication Buspirone that I was supposed to be taking three times a day.  I didn't like that drug either, though it did help a bit, because one of its side effects is blurry vision and I noticed that that was happening to me after I took it.

What I'm finding, through trial and error as is the case for most of us taking prescribed medications, is that a higher dose of medication is not necessarily the best to reduce symptoms.  It is very hard to judge accurately because biochemistry varies from person to person.  The scientists/doctors do not know exactly how the anti-psychotic and anti-depression medications work, just that for some people they do work.  This is unsettling and means that each of us has to fool around with the guidance of our psychiatrists, trying different drugs at different doses.  Sometimes drugs that have worked well at reducing symptoms for years suddenly become ineffective forcing those affected to try different drugs.  And it all takes time, sometimes months to get to the right dose or combination.  On top of that again there is no guarantee that that will work for years at a time.  I am relieved that I can lower the Abilify, which has not only reduced anxiety but has reduced the frequency of the voices that I hear, because I was at the very highest dose with no leeway.

So at the lowered dose I was better able to handle the stress of going to the Grassroots music festival and of taking care of my parents while they visited.  This year has been one of the best years all around since I got so ill in the Spring of 1998.  I also attribute that to reconnecting with old friends online and to making a new in person friend (Sam) in my community.  For so many years I have lived in isolation, even before I became psychotic, and now I have rejoined the human race.  What a wonderful thing.  My circumstances have gone from truly desperate to very good, even joyful at times.  I am glad to be alive and glad to have the people I care about alive and well.

My parents had a good time.  We took about three road trips, one to a Subaru dealership in a suburb of Rochester.  My present car is about eleven years old and it is time to get a new one.  I found the car I wanted right away and will be getting it very soon.  I'm really looking forward to the peace of mind an all wheel drive car will give me during the hard winters we get here.  My mother said she was very happy and relieved that I would be getting this car because sometimes she worries about me.  A couple of days after we looked at the car at the dealership, my present car would start but not stay started and I had to have it towed to the shop I have gone to for several years.  Turns out there was nothing really wrong except there was water in the gas.  I didn't know this  but sometimes the gas you pump at the gas station has some water in it and causes this problem.  It's never happened to me before, but it firmed our resolve to go ahead and get the Subaru.

Because I wasn't exactly sure if my car was up to driving my parents to the airport, we asked our friend Richard to take us up.  Luckily it was a Sunday and he had the day off and could do it, so we all went up to Rochester.  We stopped off at a very good Thai restaurant and treated him to a good meal and gave him some extra cash for his trouble.  A couple of hours after I got home I got a call from my father saying that they were still at the airport because JFK was closed due again to bad weather.  I told him I would reserve a room for them at a nearby (within walking distance) hotel until they could leave the following day.  Normally I have a strong aversion to using phones; I get very anxious, but this whole trip I was able to use the phone to call my parents and make reservations.  I've been getting better and better about using phones especially since I started talking on the phone to my childhood friend Rita every week or so.  Thank you Rita!  Anyway, my parents did get back to their home in Florida the next day, thank goodness.

It was great to spend time with my parents.  Though they tire much more easily now, they looked great and I'm hoping they live in good health for a while longer.  My father has a rare, but treatable, form of leukemia.  Five years ago he went through chemotherapy.  The doctors said that he would have to be retreated in five years, so that what he did before he came to visit.  He responded to the treatment though he continues to bruise easily.  If all goes well and he survives, he will be treated again in five years.  Till then I'm hoping to stay in closer touch with both my parents using FaceTime once or twice a week.  That's another change for me because when I was sicker I was not good about keeping in touch, but since I started sharing my car with Sam, seeing her each week, I also started to call my parents faithfully on Wednesday evenings.

One last thing:  I found out last week that a couple who I met three years ago, who suffer from mental illness but are in a firm recovery, went through the NAMI (National Alliance On Mental Illness) training to start a mental health support group nearby.  It is scheduled to start hopefully in September.  I am excited about it and very grateful to them for having the stamina and dedication to do this for our community.  A month ago I was seriously considering yet again starting a support group in my town, but now I think I will dedicate myself to this new group.  Not only will I start to get the support I need, but I think I can do some good for others directly.  If after six months the group goes well and I learn the pattern and organization of a NAMI group, perhaps I will go through the training myself with someone I meet in the group and eventually start a group in my town.  We shall see.

Holmes Is Not Faking It

I just watched several news clips about the young man, James Holmes, who killed 12 people and injured 58 more in a movie theatre in Aurora, Colorado this past Thursday.  Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that the newscasters wound up insinuating that Mr. Holmes might be faking being psychotic.  It is a big story after all and they were trying to make it juicier.  They made a big deal of the fact that Mr. Holmes hair was dyed orange and that he made disjointed faces during the first court proceeding.  To my mind, a mind that has been through the intensity and disorientation of insanity, his behavior was normal for someone who has just gone through a peak experience of a psychotic break and is very definitely psychotic in one way or another.  That people should question whether he is presently insane after he went on a killing spree, that to me is insane.  Of course he's extremely ill.  And it is not unusual that the before picture of him as a very bright and motivated person should quickly turn into the after picture of him as someone in the grips of psychotic delusions.  On some level he might have seen it coming as I did and, as I did, he probably stayed stuck in denial until his first break with reality.  

When that first break hits, it is externally subtle, but internally dramatic.  There is so much going on inside oneself, a total mixing of fantasy and fact.  It is extremely unfortunate for James Holmes that his deluded fixations latched onto the fictional characters of Batman and The Joker.  It is quite possible that he at first identified with Batman as a hero character, a defender of the innocent, and then swung in the opposite direction as his illness progressed to see himself as the villan.  This is fairly typical of schizophrenia and related illnesses.  Several months into my psychotic transformation I swung from the temptation of being a holy person to being the Antichrist and finally to being a sort of combination of the two.  Lucky for me I didn't stay in the Antichrist role, but leaned more heavily towards the Jesus role, which led me back to the study of Buddhism.

My fixation was not a fictional character, but a real famous person, who, in my mind, transformed into a serial killer.  The pain of this was that I was mentally joined to this delusion.  Before I became psychotic, I had been abused by my boyfriend, but after I became psychotic, my abuser lived inside of my mind.  I had to train myself to cultivate compassion for that sick side while at the same time separating my core self as best I could.  My therapist, who I started seeing less than 6 months after my first psychotic break, taught me and guided me to value the good within me.  How important was that? Important enough to let me survive two more breaks and the ensuing suicidal depression of my very, very early recovery.  It led me towards recovery.  It led me to counter the poor self esteem of my young adulthood and the eventual self hating residue of having lived through an abusive relationship.  

Most people wouldn't want to say that they identify with a mass murderer, but I do.  I identify with his illness and yes, I feel a lot of sympathy for my fellow man, who has, through this illness, condemned himself for the rest of his life.  Somewhere along the line, he didn't get the help that I reached out for early on and, at least partially, took.  Most likely he was left alone with his heroes and demons.  But really with a story like Batman and The Joker the line between hero and villan is pretty damn slim.  Both are manipulative, violent and disguised.  Why this obsession with action heroes and villans?  Why is there this almost innocent glorification of violence?  Good guys/bad guys really devolve into a sick bunch of characters each of whom utilize and perfect violence as a means to an end.  But the end doesn't come; it just keeps bouncing back and forth.  There's always another sequel.

Even children know that there is so much more to life than black and white thinking.  At their best they can easily sniff out hypocrisy.  A lot of heroes are hypocrites.  They say one thing and do another.  They make exceptions for themselves especially in the area of the tit for tat cycle of abuse and violence.  This tit for tat mentality can be seen in love relationships, friendships, in our schools, in the work environment, in our government and in our entertainment.  Slights, power plays, competition and brewing resentments that just keep getting fed.  Many of us in a hostile situation want the last word.  And the last word invariably goes -- me = good and you = bad.  Is it true?  Hell no.  All of us are a composite of all the dualities: good/bad, positive/negative, strong/weak, honorable/dishonorable, etcetera, etcetera.  All of us have done things that we are proud of and things that we are ashamed of.  That's a big part of being human; it's in the flux between polarities and in our self consciousness.

In our essence we are not either good or bad, but for at least this lifetime, we are forever working through our own ambivalence, sometimes feeling/thinking/being "good" and sometimes feeling/thinking/being "bad".  Maybe that's why so many people invest a lot in their personas as a form of denial and defense.  Mr. Holmes took that as a basis to build his elaborate delusions which has put him at the outer limits, beyond an understanding of reality.  Of course some filters in because it has to or he wouldn't be able to function, but the big picture is obscured by the delusional one.

So I say, James Holmes is not faking being seriously ill.  People who kill other people are not faking it, just as people who commit suicide are not faking it.  I believe violence is a form of mental illness, but in our culture it is almost taboo to say so because so many people justify it as a right.  The right to bear arms for private individuals, for the police force and for the military translates into men, women and children becoming the victims of that right.  We can't have it both ways with some violence good and necessary and other violence bad and tragic, but that's what we do over and over again.  Instead of suppressing violence, we lift it up and even make it mainstream entertainment in films and television.  We give a deeply mixed message first to children and then to young adults, particularly young men.  When tragedy does occur, as in this case with people being seriously injured and killed, we respond with surprise.  What's surprising is that we turn a blind eye to all the violence that goes on in our country each and every day and to all the violence in action/adventure flicks that we're practically spoon feeding to children and young adults.  Bottom line, guns and entertainment of this sort are BIG business and there's a lot of clout in trying to protect these businesses.

The urge of the media in insinuating that Mr. Holmes is faking being psychotic is the age old desire to find a scapegoat for the serious societal problems of mental illness and violence.  Every time an insane young man goes on a shooting spree in this country, and this seems to be more prevalent in the last decade, it offers a window of opportunity for change.  Community action, mental health services and gun control need to become top priority.  If that doesn't happen, don't be surprised if yet another mentally ill person repeats the same pattern that James Holmes got pulled into.  The problem won't just go away.  Scapegoats can take the blame temporarily, but in the long run we all have to take on our own share of it.  We can point fingers all we want, but what we really should be doing is examining ourselves.  Real change can only happen individual by individual.

Grassroots Festival 2012

I got back from the Grassroots Music Festival yesterday afternoon after going for three days with my brother.  I took these photos on Saturday in the late afternoon when the weather was good because it hadn't been good the first day and part of the second day.  I took a bunch of photographs, most of which did not come out, but I thought these were pretty good and could give a feel for the festival and some of the types of people there.  I especially loved watching and photographing the children, most of whom were at a gleeful high energy stage at that time of the day, running around, playing frisbee and soccer and tag.

Rob and I have been going to this festival every summer for many years.  This year's festival was good, but not great.  No real headliners, some bad weather yet still enjoyable.  The festival has gotten progressively larger over the years while the music has gotten less challenging.  There's been some infusion of traditional and pop country that doesn't stir me up.  In past years we've gotten to see some great performances by Los Lobos, Lucinda Williams, The Avett Brothers, Eilen Jewell and several excellent African and Latin bands.  My brother is a music junky and a master at making up original music mixes of his favorite artists and he relies on going to this festival each year to get his dose of live music.  Truth is we don't get to see a lot of live music around here in part because I'm not too keen on driving at night time.  There is some live music at the local bars and the main coffee house mainly during the school season.  Rob stays in touch with the rest of the world by buying CDs that have come out recently and staying in touch with a Facebook group of a radio station called The Loft on satellite radio, one of the few DJ controlled, free form radio station out there.

Except for getting anxious as we headed out to the festival, which is about an hour and forty minutes away, I was mostly relaxed.  I even talked with a few people for a little bit, which is something I wouldn't have been able to do comfortably several years ago.  I enjoyed being outside, listening to music, eating some good food from the vendors and watching the continual parade of people of all ages (though mostly caucasian and middle class).  I also love my brother very much and enjoy his company. He is really mensa bright and knowledgeable and has a good sense of humor too.  We get along.  I'm very grateful to have him in my life; he's provided me with comfort and refuge when I've needed it.

So I've successfully gotten through the festival and am now in the process of preparing for my elderly parents' visit in five days.  Because they live so far away and also because I have seven cats to take care of, I only see them twice a year for about eight days each time.  That means that the time I do spend with them has to be quality time.  I love that they are still alive and in relatively good health.  They are good people, smart, sensitive, caring and very generous.  They taught my brother and me to be good people, too.  I know I need to prepare for the day when they won't be here, but for now I'll just stay grateful and attentive.

Summertime Gratitude

I'm sitting at my dining room table with my now wireless laptop enjoying the breeze created by my three fans.  We finally got some rain today after having drought conditions for a while.  My friend Sam stayed over last night; we had our first drinking night together in several months.  We drank her favorite -- rum with cranberry juice and ice and we both got moderately drunk.  It was an excellent night.  We talked, listened to music, did a little musical jamming, me on her sweet acoustic guitar and her on her electric bass, and watched a movie by the director Mel Brooks called "Young Frankenstein" that came out in 1974 in black and white, a very funny movie.  Earlier that day I did a lot of house cleaning and cooked up some red beans and rice with chicken for our dinner.  I felt proud of myself and content with her.  Several years ago I wouldn't have been able to pull if off, but yesterday it was a piece of cake.  And so I feel as if I am really moving in the right direction in my life with my recovery.

It's taken a while to come to this place, a place that many people come to naturally, but I have to say that it's been worth the wait.  Now I have friends whereas before I really just had my brother.  I'm finding that having friends makes all the difference.  Sam in particular is a great friend because I can see her face to face and I get to hug her and talk to her directly.  She's gotten me to get outside for short walks and to sit in nature's glory especially at her place which has some lovely property complete with a large pond and a full food garden and a campfire spot.  She's said to me that ever since she was little she's felt more comfortable outside than inside.  But then she grew up out here in the beautiful countryside, whereas I was mostly in the City, except for my summer's at my parents' beach house on Long Island.  I think my summer's were particularly pleasant precisely because I lived in the City.  I had the best of both worlds back then.  Now I'm a confirmed country dweller and have been for over 20 years.  I'm used to looking out my window at the wildlife and greenery and flowers.  I'm used to the slow pace, the privacy and the beauty.  I feel very fortunate.

The last couple of months I put myself back on a diet and plan to continue with it as a lifestyle change in order to get back to a more normal weight.  Really my self-consciousness at being obese has stopped me from returning to NYC to visit with my old friends.  My therapist says that shouldn't stop me, but it does.  I don't mind that much my somewhat sagging neck and my gray hairs.  I have come to accept that I've made it past the middle age mark, but the weight I can't seem to accept.  As it stands I plan on seeing my friends next summer.  Lately I've been getting some new clothes to fit me for now.  They are comfortable and attractive and not very expensive either.  This is a big change for me.  Normally, I live in sweatpants and t-shirts.  I really didn't think it was possible to look good again, but then I didn't try very hard either.  Now because of the clothes and my improved ability to take care of my home and having some friends, I feel a part of the human race again.  It's a great feeling.

A really pleasant surprise happend to me a couple of days ago:  I got an email from my old friend Colette, a very warm and supportive email.  Turns out she's been busy, but right now she is vacationing with her family and she had enough time to write to me.  When I contacted her, she was just about to do her oral presentation to get her doctorate degree, well, she only just got confirmation that she passed her tests and she is now officially has her Phd.  I respect her for going so far in her education.  She's a real success story.  It means so much to me that she decided to get in touch with me.  I was afraid that I would never hear from her again, though I was planning on sending her an audio tape of me talking to her in the Fall, but now maybe I can do that for her (if she has a tape player) earlier.  I've successfully sent tapes to my two other old friends, Rita and Amy and gotten a few tapes from them as well.  Emails are great too, but to hear an old friend's voice and inflections is even better.  Plus now I have years of practice doing it for just myself.

I'm back to wanting to start a support group in my town.  I've been wanting to do this for about five years, made a couple of tentative approaches, but never pulled it off.  I wasn't quite ready to try to do this on my own, but maybe, just maybe, I can do this by the end of the summer.  I wrote a Support Group Proposal to give to my therapist and my psychiatrist, which I did last week.  I asked them if they'd be willing to back me up by letting me include their contact information on the proposal that I plan to give to the county clerk's office in town.  My therapist is willing, but my psychiatrist would prefer that I work with the counseling center in a nearby town.  He worries that some people in the acute stages of mental illness might act out and cause me a lot of grief, so he wants there to be more support.  I suggested asking to have the meeting at the court house which is right above the police station, that way I could call for help if I needed it.  My psychiatrist seemed to approve of that idea.  Honestly I think most people who choose to go to a support group meeting do not act out, but it is good to prepare for the possibility.

It still amazes me that there are no mental health support groups in this  county.  My psychiatrist hesitation appears to be part of the reason why:  the people in the local communities around here don't trust that mentally ill people getting together will behave properly.  Most of that is I think due to ignorance and some stigma, though there is always an element of truth there too.  It's hard to know where people are at in their illness or in the various stages of recovery from serious mental illnesses.  I've never been a group facilitator before, but I'm sure I can learn.  I just wish there was a good daily reader for mental health groups.  When I went to Al-Anon they had excellent readers which I relied on when I was in the acute stage of my illness; it wasn't quite appropriate, but it was better than nothing.  Having a daily reader gives a good focus to a group, a basis to start a discussion and to share personal experiences and offer support.  But before I can get to the stage of getting a group going, I have to convince the townspeople of the need for a local group.  This will take courage and persistence on my part and a willingness to share my story, to become more visible in my community.

Mostly I've kept a very low profile, though early on in my illness I did tell my brother, who is sometimes a bit of a barfly socializing with students and the locals, that he could tell people about me and my diagnosis.  I didn't want him, or myself for that matter, to be ashamed of my illness and I wanted my neighbors to know why I have been so reclusive all these years.  Also, for the most part, I have not acted out publicly or gotten in trouble with the police.  Basically, I pay my taxes, shop at some of the local stores and businesses and keep to myself and that seems good enough for most people around here.  Also people know my brother, who is a great talker, and that helps as well.

So, so far, this has been one of the better summers I've had around here.  Even the hot weather hasn't been bothering me much.  My brother and I go off to a 4 day music festival this Thursday and then 5 days after that my parents, who are both now in their mid 80s, will arrive and visit for 8 days.  I am really looking forward to giving them the iPad and teaching them how to use it.  Even my friend Richard has been helping me out by doing some small, but necessary, jobs around my house and then staying to have a glass or two of Sangria with me.  Before Sam left today, we both agreed that in a world where so many things could go wrong for everyone every day, that, for the most part, things work out.  Of course, there are low points in everyone's lives, but if you can endure through them, you can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and then move out into it.

Bringing My Parents Into The 21st Century

My brother and I just bought an Apple iPad2 with WiFi and 3G cellular service for my parents using some money we got as a refund for years of overcharging from our health insurance company.  Their Apple desktop computer crashed last winter and was just barely fixed for minimal use, but my father didn't want to spend the money to buy a new one and so I pretty much decided to get an iPad for him and my mother even before we got our checks.  I had it sent to me so that I could set it up for them and give it to them when they come for an 8 day visit at the end of July.  I will spend a little time each day with them teaching them how to use it.

But first I have to teach myself.  The device is very user friendly but still there are a lot of programs on it and more that I downloaded in the App store.  Most of the apps I've gotten are free, but I did pay for a wordprocessing app called Pages so that my mother can continue with her writing.  I also purchased a wireless keyboard to temporarily replace the on screen keyboard because it will make it more comfortable to use the wordprocessing program.  In effect, I'm attempting to turn the iPad2 with an external keyboard into a less expensive alternative to an Apple laptop.  Because my mother is an amateur writer (she's written book reviews for her retirement community's paper amongst other small achievements), I want to make it as easy for her to use this great device as possible.  For her pleasure, I've also added The New York Times crossword puzzles (because she loves doing crosswords) and a solitaire game.  I'm hoping this will stimulate her curiosity and get her hooked.

My father, who is a news hound, will be able to watch tons of videos which is something his old computer does not have the capacity to do.  My brother and I are also getting him a 6 month subscription to the New York Times.  My father is addicted to the New York Times.  When I was growing up every morning he would be reading it and he never stopped, only now, in order to save money, he reads it in their retirement community's library, though he still buys the Sunday paper.  Soon, with a digital subscription, he'll be able to read the entire paper and in addition to that have access to slide shows and videos.  So far I've downloaded several news apps including NPR (National Public Radio) and BBC news.

I got the iPad2 with 3G capability mainly because my parents don't have WiFi set up in their apartment, though there are WiFi hotspots in several places in their retirement community and others in the local libraries, Starbucks and several shopping centers and cafes.  3G allows them access to the internet via cell phone technology.  I chose Verizon because they have a Verizon cell phone and I've heard that AT&T is not as good. Supposedly 3G is not as clear a signal and it's more expensive to use.  You pay a monthly fee for 1 GB to 5GB storage space.  I'm not sure what that means, but when I've used the 3G I notice that it uses up the 1 GB I bought for the month pretty quickly.  I think instead of paying more for more space from them, my parents should upgrade to WiFi in their apartment, but I'll have to talk my father into that.

I just upgraded to wireless in my home for an extra 7 dollars a month.  Finally I am using my Apple laptop as it was intended to be used, that is, wherever I feel like sitting in my house.  Before this it was tethered to the modem.  So today, I am writing from my dining room table instead from my downstairs bedroom.  This is more comfortable for me as I spend most of my time in the living room/dining room area.  So, officially, this is the first blog I've written on my laptop wirelessly.  I will not only be bringing my parents into the 21st century, but myself as well.  So, for the last couple of weeks I've been immersed in studying both the iPad2 and my MacBook Pro.  Generally speaking, I am rather computer illiterate, but now maybe there will be a switch into really studying the new technology and learning it.

My mother said to me this week on the phone that the iPad sounded like something out of science fiction.  I have thought that many times before about all kinds of technology in the last twenty years or so.  I'm really taken with the iPad, so much so that I would love to have one for myself.  It's so portable.    Compared to a desktop or laptop computer, it is stripped down to more of the essentials, but that just makes it simpler to use, especially for people who are not doing elaborate computer art or photography or music, who either don't have the time to learn a full computer or don't have the inclination.  The iPad, or any tablet, is good for children and seniors because of this.  I think it will take the place of the laptop for many people in the near future.  I just read somewhere that Apple is going to be putting out a smaller version of the iPad, maybe to compete with the Kindle Fire.  The Kindle Fire costs about $200 and has many of the features of a tablet.  The goal I guess is to get everyone in the whole world to own at least one computer device, preferably multiple devices.  If they can make it cheap enough and efficient enough, I think they can make that close to the reality.  When that happens, it will be only the most rugged individuals who remain unconnected.

My friend Sam has a laptop to write with, but no internet service.  It's too expensive right now.  But I bet that even she, who is a rugged individual (she lives without running water), will find a way to get one of these cool gadgets.  If I had a little more money, I would get her something.  One of the features of Apple computers and devices is that you can video conference with an app called Facetime between Mac computers.  The app comes already installed on the iPad2 and I paid a dollar to have it installed on my laptop.  One thing, you have to have WiFi to use it.  Anyway, I'm going to test it out with my parents when they get here and I'd love someday to do the same with Jude, if she gets an iPad.  I know Skype has been out for a while, but I've never used it.  So a video conference with my folks will be a new experience.  It makes me think of the Stanley Kubrick film, "2001: A Space Odyssey" which was made in the late 1960s.  In one scene a main character is in a space station calling home to earth and he talks with his young daughter via a video conference.  We're not hanging out in space yet, but you never know what could be in store for the future of this world, if we get that lucky.

The Supreme Court Decision, 5-4 In Favor Of Universal Healthcare

Thursday June 28th 2012 was a historic day because the Supreme Court ruled in favor of The Affordable Care Act or "Obamacare" in a 5-4 decision with the more conservative justice, John Roberts, acting as the swing vote.  Thank you Justice Roberts!  What this will translate into is that at least 30 million uninsured people will now have access to health insurance coverage in 2014.  30 Million!!  For my brother and me this means that our health insurance costs will drop dramatically because our income level is very low.  Right now we're paying over half of our income each year on health care coverage and we need that coverage because my brother has diabetes and I suffer from schizophrenia and we need our medications each month.  So far we have been able to pay a great deal to be covered, but in the long run without Universal Healthcare we might not have been able to afford to do that and pay for daily expenses and taxes.  So this decision was a very important one for us.  And so, too, is it so important for the now uninsured.  If people have access to health insurance, it means that they will have access to preventative medicine, which hopefully will translate into a reduced need for emergency care.  As it stands, emergency rooms across the country are overburdened with uninsured people and emergency care is expensive.

Universal health care will require those who can afford health insurance to get it regardless of whether they are sick or not.  If we didn't have this requirement we couldn't afford to have Universal health care.  Those that can, will be required to help those that can't.  In my mind, this is a matter of human decency, but many of those who will be required to pay into the system deeply resent it.  I talked briefly with my friend Richard about the Supreme Court's decision.  He doesn't admit to being affiliated with either party, but many of his attitudes are distinctly Republican.  His stance is he doesn't want to have to pay for some welfare mothers who choose to have 4 or 5 children to have healthcare for themselves and their large families.  In his view, they have acted irresponsibly and, in effect, should be punished for that.  In my view, the children especially are blameless and should be covered, but then I also believe that ALL people in this country should have access to healthcare regardless of their life choices.  It should be a right and not a privilege as it is in most industrialized modern countries in the world.  It's shameful how we have lagged behind them, which is why this Supreme Court decision has made me proud to be American.  That Justice Roberts could cross the divide and vote in opposition to the other conservative justices is what this country is all about, checks and balances.  As it stands if things go too far left, the right will enter into the picture and pull things back to the middle and if things go too far right, the left will do the same.  It's the moderate position that allows for differing viewpoints, but in the long run serves the majority of American citizens, that creates a balanced view of justice.

I also talked briefly with my friend Sam about the healthcare decision.  She is definitely poor and just recently, at age 59, applied for Medicaid.  Her response was cautious.  She was afraid that she might be required to pay for health insurance if her Medicaid application gets rejected.  She was also saying that there has to be an infrastructure to switch from the old system to the new system and if that isn't in place by 2014, people such as herself could suffer.  I told her that I believe that her income is low enough that she wouldn't be one of the ones required to pay very much.  As to the infrastructure, I believe that since the Obama administration's health care bill was passed that there has been a move in the states towards building an infrastructure for the change over to occur.  And now there is the full go ahead for the next year and a half and I'm hopeful that a lot can be done in that time to allow for a successful crossover.  Still, I thought Sam's response was interesting because that is what a lot of people are probably asking right now--how much will we who can afford healthcare be required to pay each year?  I can't answer that question because there is such a wide range of incomes in this country, but I know it will mean that the wealthy will have to pay their fair share whether they like it or not.  One thing Sam did say and that was that she didn't feel sorry for "those poor, poor rich people" and, honestly, neither do I.

The strange thing to me is that it's not just many rich Republicans who are vehemently against this health care law, but many poor, rural Republicans, too.  They don't like our present president, some for the bogus reason that he is an African American, and others because they don't like big government overseeing their lives.  I guess some of them have that old fashioned self-reliant frontiersman attitude and look with horror at taking public assistance.  I know Sam has some of that spirit in herself and will only take so much and only because she absolutely has to.  There was a time during the Great Depression of the 1930s that to be poor and to ask for help from the country was not a shameful thing, but now it appears that it's back to having a kind of shameful attitude about the needy, even coming from the needy themselves.  Maybe that will change when universal healthcare coverage goes into effect in 2014.

I know from having a serious mental illness that it is quite important to reach out for help when you need it and not try to deal with it all alone, but, I, too resisted.  Maybe it's human nature to try and cope alone and not be a burden to others.  If it hadn't been for my voices nearly forcing me to get individual therapy and go to what support groups were available in the area, forcing me to check myself into a local hospital over night in order to get a diagnoses by a psychiatrist and access to (incredibly expensive!) medication, I don't know if I would have survived the acute stage of this illness.  In addition to that, my family totally supported me financially so that I had a home and money to pay my monthly bills and taxes, which is something that most people don't get from their families to the point where mentally ill family members become homeless (and often dually addicted to boot) and without access to the medications that some of them really need.

The healthcare system that we have right now is not adequate and so health care reform is a necessity.  Let's see how successful this new system is in the early years from 2014 onward.  If it is not successful, it might be the right's turn to offer an alternative.  In any case, something must be done and will be done thanks to the Supreme Court's ruling.