87 days free of smoking, a total of 6 days of exercise, 8 days on my diet, 1 pound lighter.
I just wanted to thank everyone who is following this blog, it really makes me feel good and I'm noticing there's developing a small blogging community of people with mental health issues, most especially those in recovery from schizophrenia. I'm proud of us for writing with intelligence and sincerity about our struggles and successes. Mental illness is a challenge and not a prison sentence anymore. I love the internet because it fosters freedom of expression and helps many of us work our way out of isolation. Most importantly there is a feeling of hope that with the right attitude and some outside help we can get through the worst of times and eventually embrace the best of times. I think blogging is a fantastic therapeutic tool and a great way to make and keep friends.
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Well, so far the diet and exercise plan is working--I lost one pound of fat this week, I have more energy, I'm in a better mood and I feel hopeful about this year in general. This is the year I lose the weight. Why is that so important for an obese person who suffers from schizophrenia? Because not only does the schizophrenia incline me towards social withdrawal, but being fat just compounds the problem and gives me yet another excuse to not be around people. There's enough stigma going on about mental illness, but so is there stigma about being obese. And, of course, it is not healthy. My good cholesterol is down and my bad cholesterol is up, in part due to the weight and lack of exercise. I know this. I've known this for several years. I've been super fortunate in that I haven't developed diabetes considering that some of the anti-psychotic meds that I've been on and am still on have been linked to that illness.
My therapist has pointed out that I respond to a certain amount of structure in my life. The hard part, since I graduated from school, is getting myself to apply a structure to my days and nights. Basically I've been drifting for years. I've noticed a pattern emerging of going from one creative activity to another and then alternating between having productive periods and having depressed and unmotivated periods. In starting this diet and exercise program, I appear to be treating my depression as well as distancing myself from my psychosis (the voices). Though I must admit that I have also been drinking about 4 cups of coffee during the first half of the day and that may be helping with lifting my mood and giving me a little push of extra energy. So now I'm getting up at roughly the same time each morning. My routine so far is to make a pot of coffee, prepare my breakfast (based on an Anne Collins meal plan), eat it, take my pills (including a daily vitamin pill for women with added calcium, iron and zinc), work on the computer for a couple of hours-maybe go to the AC site and read or post, exercise for 50 minutes (making sure that I sweat in the process), then I eat lunch, do chores (I'm on the brink of including cleaning and organizing my house each day) and that's as far as I've gotten with the structure, though I do go to the AC site later in the evening and post what I ate and drank for the day, how much exercise I've gotten and my total calories along with whatever comments I can think of.
The two things that have held me down are my weight (literally and figuratively) and my inability to clean and organize my living space. I've rediscovered a motivational site for cleaning and organizing one's home (www.flylady.net/), but I haven't thoroughly explored it yet. I will get back to you about it in the coming weeks. So, two major goals for this year are to lose most of the weight I've put on due to the medication, poor eating habits and lack of exercise and to clean and organize my house and keep it clean and organized. If I can keep myself clean and healthy and my home free of clutter and clean as well, I know I will be making strides in my recovery from the mental illness that fostered those weaknesses. I think it's all about loving and respecting yourself enough to believe that you can change for the better. I have taken back some control over my life just by learning how to eat healthy, get some exercise and keep myself accountable to a group of people who are also trying to do the same thing. People can motivate each other and should. I've said it before, but affirmations and having a positive attitude can move mountains. Tell yourself over and over that you can and there's a good chance that you will.
Sounds easy, but it hasn't been easy. I've lost my way many times and then learned from hard experience. If I could do the last ten years over again while still having schizophrenia, I would have started taking the meds from the beginning (might have spared me my three breakdowns in three years), I would have started a mental health support group in my area, I would have committed to a diet and exercise program before I started putting on the weight. There were things I did do that I'm glad I did like going to therapy, going back to school, working on having a belief in a higher power. All of those things helped me.
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Today I finally mailed off 6 paintings to another artist who had commissioned me to paint two portraits of her niece and nephew. I did more than two because I wasn't satisfied with the two I did do and I wanted to make sure she would be satisfied. I also wanted to show my gratitude because she has been very patient with me and very supportive. Painting is something I want to get back to now that I've come out of a slump.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Anne Collins Effect
Well, I'm off to a good start. Five days on a diet and four days exercising. I'm more motivated and my mood is improving. The Anne Collins site is really good. I've started keeping a personal log there of what I'm eating and drinking, keeping track of how many calories I'm ingesting each day. I also write there about the new things I'm discovering and how I'm feeling. I'm inspired by the people at the site. They are proof that AC's diet and exercise advice is sound because they are losing the weight, some over 100 pounds or more. I'm aiming to get down to my pre-psychosis weight. Anne has cautioned me that I might lose no more than 1 pound a week (instead of 2 pounds per week) due to my medications, but I'm still hopeful that I might lose a bit more during the coming year if I stick to the diet and to nearly daily exercise.
Today I exercised for 50 minutes. My exercise goal is to do 1 to 1 and 1/2 hours of exercise per day, but the minimum now is 30 minutes daily. I'm using a stationary bike and an inexpensive stepper (it cost me $50). I use the stepper while holding 5 lb weights exercising my arms and upper body as well as by legs. This is kind of fun to do, swinging my arms this way and that while stepping in rhythm. Today I started by using the stepper and weights for 10 minutes, then I rode on the stationary bike for 30 minutes, varying the resistance and the intensity, and then I finished with another 10 minutes using the stepper and weights. My time for exercising is between 1 PM and 2PM, just before lunch and that seems to be working out.
Anne also recommends eating every 3 hours. That comes to about 3 moderate meals and 2 snacks. My calorie range for losing weight is between 1200 and 1500 calories a day which I seem to be able be do so far without much problem. Anne also stresses repeatedly that one should eat whenever one is hungry. She says that hunger is the main reason why people fall off their diets. The key is in WHAT you eat. Eat fruit and fat free yogurt. Eat whole wheat bread and reduced sugar preserves. Eat vegetables and low to non fat dressings. Eat brown rice and beans. Eat grilled or baked salmon or chicken. Really eating well is not so difficult to learn, you just have to develop a taste for it and habit for going for the low fat/high fiber/low calorie option that is available.
So I am now eating more fruits and vegetables and I like it. I'm eating fresh fruit, canned fruit (but not with heavy syrup), fruit with plain fat free yogurt. I'm eating all those cans of fruit that I bought like a year ago and pushed to the back of the refrigerator--mandarin oranges, pineapple, pears, tropical fruit mixes. With cooked vegetables I'm learning to season with soy sauce or lemon instead of butter. And with raw vegetables like cucumbers I'm again mixing with yogurt, yogurt plain or with a little bit of vinegar, garlic powder, and salt. There are also many fat free and low fat salad dressings. Fruits, vegetables, whole grain bread, potatoes (with again yogurt or salsa or fat free sour cream and NOT butter...), rice, pasta, whole grain cereal, lean meat, fish and low fat or non fat cheeses fill you up and are good for you.
Where was I slipping up before? Getting "frosted" cereals or adding sugar to cereal, using butter on vegetables and english muffins, eating too many peanuts and peanut butter, eating canned soups with too much fat and too large a portion of it, eating tuna salad, drinking 2% milk instead of 1% or skim milk, treating myself to too many Werther's sucking candies, eating frozen pizza, using too much coffee creamer in my tea and coffee (10 calories per teaspoon and I was using tablespoons of it), buying now and then a large cookie at the coffee shop (which calorie wise is probably the size of an entire meal), eating large portions of chicken or tuna, using 2 tablespoons of butter in a tuna noodle mix and eating too much of it, not eating enough fruits and vegetables and not getting exercise.
The truth is my diet was very limited and required little to no cooking, but wasn't so bad. Like I don't eat cake, pies, ice cream. I eat very little red meat, very few eggs. I don't drink soda or eat chips or candy bars. I don't eat fried food. I also haven't been eating much pasta, rice, potatoes, hot cereals though I'm going to change that and eat more of those foods. My idea of a wonderful splurge is to get a large pizza and 12 fried chicken wings, but the only time I remember doing that recently was on my birthday last year. I eat very little cheese, don't use sour cream or cream cheese, but now I'm going to start buying the non fat and low fat version of them. So all in all, I'm very ready to embrace this diet and commit to it. I now pay a lot more attention to what I'm eating and how much of it I'm eating. Because I'm eating every 3 hours, I don't feel deprived. Keeping track of my meals and snacks both offline and online helps to keep me accountable to my diet. Being part of a support group I'm sure will help me to stay focused.
There's so much in my life that I don't have control over: the weather and road conditions, other people, my mental illness, the state of the world, but this is something I can control and with balance. I just needed a little direction and support. I guess I also needed to be ready to change. I think quitting smoking is what really gave me an extra boost this past year to get me to this point. Anne Collins says attitude is very important. Believe you can change, visualize the change, the goal and commit to a program and you will change. It will take time, but it will come to pass. Health and beauty are worth the effort.
Today I exercised for 50 minutes. My exercise goal is to do 1 to 1 and 1/2 hours of exercise per day, but the minimum now is 30 minutes daily. I'm using a stationary bike and an inexpensive stepper (it cost me $50). I use the stepper while holding 5 lb weights exercising my arms and upper body as well as by legs. This is kind of fun to do, swinging my arms this way and that while stepping in rhythm. Today I started by using the stepper and weights for 10 minutes, then I rode on the stationary bike for 30 minutes, varying the resistance and the intensity, and then I finished with another 10 minutes using the stepper and weights. My time for exercising is between 1 PM and 2PM, just before lunch and that seems to be working out.
Anne also recommends eating every 3 hours. That comes to about 3 moderate meals and 2 snacks. My calorie range for losing weight is between 1200 and 1500 calories a day which I seem to be able be do so far without much problem. Anne also stresses repeatedly that one should eat whenever one is hungry. She says that hunger is the main reason why people fall off their diets. The key is in WHAT you eat. Eat fruit and fat free yogurt. Eat whole wheat bread and reduced sugar preserves. Eat vegetables and low to non fat dressings. Eat brown rice and beans. Eat grilled or baked salmon or chicken. Really eating well is not so difficult to learn, you just have to develop a taste for it and habit for going for the low fat/high fiber/low calorie option that is available.
So I am now eating more fruits and vegetables and I like it. I'm eating fresh fruit, canned fruit (but not with heavy syrup), fruit with plain fat free yogurt. I'm eating all those cans of fruit that I bought like a year ago and pushed to the back of the refrigerator--mandarin oranges, pineapple, pears, tropical fruit mixes. With cooked vegetables I'm learning to season with soy sauce or lemon instead of butter. And with raw vegetables like cucumbers I'm again mixing with yogurt, yogurt plain or with a little bit of vinegar, garlic powder, and salt. There are also many fat free and low fat salad dressings. Fruits, vegetables, whole grain bread, potatoes (with again yogurt or salsa or fat free sour cream and NOT butter...), rice, pasta, whole grain cereal, lean meat, fish and low fat or non fat cheeses fill you up and are good for you.
Where was I slipping up before? Getting "frosted" cereals or adding sugar to cereal, using butter on vegetables and english muffins, eating too many peanuts and peanut butter, eating canned soups with too much fat and too large a portion of it, eating tuna salad, drinking 2% milk instead of 1% or skim milk, treating myself to too many Werther's sucking candies, eating frozen pizza, using too much coffee creamer in my tea and coffee (10 calories per teaspoon and I was using tablespoons of it), buying now and then a large cookie at the coffee shop (which calorie wise is probably the size of an entire meal), eating large portions of chicken or tuna, using 2 tablespoons of butter in a tuna noodle mix and eating too much of it, not eating enough fruits and vegetables and not getting exercise.
The truth is my diet was very limited and required little to no cooking, but wasn't so bad. Like I don't eat cake, pies, ice cream. I eat very little red meat, very few eggs. I don't drink soda or eat chips or candy bars. I don't eat fried food. I also haven't been eating much pasta, rice, potatoes, hot cereals though I'm going to change that and eat more of those foods. My idea of a wonderful splurge is to get a large pizza and 12 fried chicken wings, but the only time I remember doing that recently was on my birthday last year. I eat very little cheese, don't use sour cream or cream cheese, but now I'm going to start buying the non fat and low fat version of them. So all in all, I'm very ready to embrace this diet and commit to it. I now pay a lot more attention to what I'm eating and how much of it I'm eating. Because I'm eating every 3 hours, I don't feel deprived. Keeping track of my meals and snacks both offline and online helps to keep me accountable to my diet. Being part of a support group I'm sure will help me to stay focused.
There's so much in my life that I don't have control over: the weather and road conditions, other people, my mental illness, the state of the world, but this is something I can control and with balance. I just needed a little direction and support. I guess I also needed to be ready to change. I think quitting smoking is what really gave me an extra boost this past year to get me to this point. Anne Collins says attitude is very important. Believe you can change, visualize the change, the goal and commit to a program and you will change. It will take time, but it will come to pass. Health and beauty are worth the effort.
Monday, January 19, 2009
New Year's Weight Loss Resolution
This week I was shopping around online for a weight loss support program. I went first to Weight Watchers where there was a free 7 day trial offer. I found their service a bit complicated and I couldn't use certain features because I don't have a flash player installed. I cancelled my subscription on the 7th day. If I hadn't I would have been charged $65 for the first 3 months and then about $17 each month afterwards. I then found reviews and ratings for 10 of the most popular programs online. Most charged between $16 and $19 per month, but the cheapest charged $20 for a whole year. This was the Anne Collins Weight Loss Program and it was the lowest rated amongst the 10. For $20 I decided to try it anyway.
Ms Collins offers about 10 different diets all designed for losing weight, some are for diabetics, some for lowering cholesterol, some for vegetarians, etc... The basic premise is the same as Weight Watchers: in order to lose weight you must eat less and exercise more. I found portion controlled measurements which showed me that though what I eat is not so bad, my portions are way to big. Basically I need to cut out about 500 calories a day or one meal if I am going to begin losing weight. The instruction is to eat when hungry, every 3 hours or so, but to eat small portions of healthy food.
There are active message boards for added support and each person is encouraged to create a personal log of what one eats, exercise and general thoughts for others to read and respond to (though it is okay to keep the log private if you so choose.) So far I've introduced myself. In my introduction I revealed that I suffer from schizophrenia and have gained weight, in part, due to some of the medication I'm taking. I was hoping that by being honest I can reassure others in similar circumstances along the way. So far I've gotten one positive response.
Basically, I have never gone on a diet though I have watched what I eat and for a short period of time I skipped meals in order to lose weight. The voices warned me about eating disorders, saying that it can be a terrible trap. Still, dieting is about control and too much control is mind warping. So a balanced approach is the key I think. So now I am beginning the process of paying attention to everything I eat and drink. I will measure and count just as millions of people do every day. I will join the ranks of those determined to lose weight.
It won't be easy and it will take me a year of determination, but I can do this. I will allow for relapses. The main thing is to get back on track afterwards and work towards a steady pace, keep track of my successes and get support for when I fail and give support in return. I have to learn to be accountable to myself.
I can't help but see parallels between eating too much and smoking. There's the strong desire to do it and the near unconsciousness when you do do it. I mean how often do I eat mindfully? Usually I'm thinking of the next bite as I'm chewing on the first one. Before I got ill, I practiced yoga and meditation and mindful eating. Before I took the first bite I would identify all the ingredients and be grateful. I would slow everything down. Cooking, if you don't cheat, is a good way to appreciate food. It slows things down. I just don't want to become food obsessed, but I do want to begin measuring my food in a way that I haven't done before.
Ms Collins offers about 10 different diets all designed for losing weight, some are for diabetics, some for lowering cholesterol, some for vegetarians, etc... The basic premise is the same as Weight Watchers: in order to lose weight you must eat less and exercise more. I found portion controlled measurements which showed me that though what I eat is not so bad, my portions are way to big. Basically I need to cut out about 500 calories a day or one meal if I am going to begin losing weight. The instruction is to eat when hungry, every 3 hours or so, but to eat small portions of healthy food.
There are active message boards for added support and each person is encouraged to create a personal log of what one eats, exercise and general thoughts for others to read and respond to (though it is okay to keep the log private if you so choose.) So far I've introduced myself. In my introduction I revealed that I suffer from schizophrenia and have gained weight, in part, due to some of the medication I'm taking. I was hoping that by being honest I can reassure others in similar circumstances along the way. So far I've gotten one positive response.
Basically, I have never gone on a diet though I have watched what I eat and for a short period of time I skipped meals in order to lose weight. The voices warned me about eating disorders, saying that it can be a terrible trap. Still, dieting is about control and too much control is mind warping. So a balanced approach is the key I think. So now I am beginning the process of paying attention to everything I eat and drink. I will measure and count just as millions of people do every day. I will join the ranks of those determined to lose weight.
It won't be easy and it will take me a year of determination, but I can do this. I will allow for relapses. The main thing is to get back on track afterwards and work towards a steady pace, keep track of my successes and get support for when I fail and give support in return. I have to learn to be accountable to myself.
I can't help but see parallels between eating too much and smoking. There's the strong desire to do it and the near unconsciousness when you do do it. I mean how often do I eat mindfully? Usually I'm thinking of the next bite as I'm chewing on the first one. Before I got ill, I practiced yoga and meditation and mindful eating. Before I took the first bite I would identify all the ingredients and be grateful. I would slow everything down. Cooking, if you don't cheat, is a good way to appreciate food. It slows things down. I just don't want to become food obsessed, but I do want to begin measuring my food in a way that I haven't done before.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Life Is Difficult
M. Scott Peck begins the first chapter of his book The Road Less Traveled with the phrase "Life is difficult." He also writes "Life is a series of problems. Do we moan about them or solve them?" I, honestly, would like to solve them, but when I don't make headway I worry that when I write here I will just be moaning and repeating myself. I don't want to do that, so I wait.
It's been bitter cold here. I mostly stay indoors and alone, my cats are my company, and the voices, and the computer. I have been withdrawing from human contact again. This pattern of self isolation bothers me, but I succumb to it over and over again. A part of me wants to be alone as long as I can remain creative in some way. I haven't been painting or singing or writing much these last couple of weeks so I felt grateful when I had the urge today to write this blog entry. But what do I want to say? That life is difficult for all of us. We live with the knowledge that our life is temporary and will most definitely end. We live with our own imperfections. And yet, in so many ways, we are very resilient. We bend more than we break. We suffer and yet we feel that joyful pulse of life close at hand. Yin and yang. Sometimes the dark threatens to eclipse the light within us, but we keep on fighting for the right to breathe in and out, to live, to find happiness. This courageous fight is what keeps me connected to other people regardless of how much isolation I impose upon myself. And so I thank you for reading and I respect you for living your life.
My brother told me this week that someone in this community killed himself recently, he shot himself in the head in front of a friend of his who was trying to talk him down. I never met him, but I feel the sense of loss even so. He reminds us how fragile life can be and how stark when we are in a hopeless frame of mind. Yes, life is difficult and there but for fortune go you or I as Phil Ochs once sang. If we allow it we can build on a common bond. Every time I write I'm putting my faith in that bond that we are not so different from one another. Compassion is wonderfully healing. When I read other people's blogs I feel that sense of connection and compassion. We are each creating our own home spun wisdom. We are unique and yet we are the same. The uniqueness makes for the fun and the sameness makes for the bond. It's a good relationship.
So what do we do with our difficult lives? We live them, sometimes with much gratitude and other times with resentment. We are not perfect and I don't think we should strive to be perfect. Perfect is an illusion and good is good enough. I get into trouble with myself when I doubt my essential goodness. I am often examining myself, trying to stay honest with myself, but too much of that can lead to another form of perfectionism. At that moment what I most need is faith. Faith requires that I let go and believe in a higher power.
Sometimes it is hard to believe in a higher power, especially when I'm feeling vulnerable and afraid. Where is God? Everywhere, yet intangible. Sometimes the voices will say to me that there is no God and yet I hold onto my belief. Sometimes the voices threaten me with hell, but I keep reaching for heaven. It comforts me to think that there are people experiencing heaven on earth right this moment. And to be fair, I've had some heavenly moments too, though I often forget that. The essence of life is ever elusive yet always present. The essence is good. I think we intuitively know this and it gets us through the hard spots. We are not lost in some eternal void, we are in something much greater than ourselves. The goodness is in the water, air, food, and light. We drink it, breathe it, eat it and absorb it.
What would happen to us if life were easy? Would that be nirvana? One of the reasons why I respect people is that I know they have suffered and overcome their suffering countless times. I still dream of a world where there is no need for suffering, where everyone is happy, safe, kind and useful, but I can't get around the fact that the negative serves to highlight the positive. Nothing really goes to waste. The brilliance of life is that it offers countless challenges to overcome adversity. And people are doing just that. I'm doing it. You're doing it.
It is comforting to think that the higher power gives us our daily challenges, not to punish us, but to give us opportunities to grow. A bean sprout pushes against the earth as it reaches for the sunlight and so do we. When we first learn to crawl we utilize gravity until we find ourselves standing upright. And by standing upright we develop a taste for the freedom that goes with it. Life is both difficult and it is easy at the same time. It is difficult to learn to walk and yet once you learn it is easy. But with the freedom comes an element of danger because we are all capable of being hurt. The good news is that with faith and determination we can overcome most obstacles. Yes there are wounds and there are scars, but there is also life and life is precious. I feel my discomfort every day, but I'm still glad to be alive.
It's been bitter cold here. I mostly stay indoors and alone, my cats are my company, and the voices, and the computer. I have been withdrawing from human contact again. This pattern of self isolation bothers me, but I succumb to it over and over again. A part of me wants to be alone as long as I can remain creative in some way. I haven't been painting or singing or writing much these last couple of weeks so I felt grateful when I had the urge today to write this blog entry. But what do I want to say? That life is difficult for all of us. We live with the knowledge that our life is temporary and will most definitely end. We live with our own imperfections. And yet, in so many ways, we are very resilient. We bend more than we break. We suffer and yet we feel that joyful pulse of life close at hand. Yin and yang. Sometimes the dark threatens to eclipse the light within us, but we keep on fighting for the right to breathe in and out, to live, to find happiness. This courageous fight is what keeps me connected to other people regardless of how much isolation I impose upon myself. And so I thank you for reading and I respect you for living your life.
My brother told me this week that someone in this community killed himself recently, he shot himself in the head in front of a friend of his who was trying to talk him down. I never met him, but I feel the sense of loss even so. He reminds us how fragile life can be and how stark when we are in a hopeless frame of mind. Yes, life is difficult and there but for fortune go you or I as Phil Ochs once sang. If we allow it we can build on a common bond. Every time I write I'm putting my faith in that bond that we are not so different from one another. Compassion is wonderfully healing. When I read other people's blogs I feel that sense of connection and compassion. We are each creating our own home spun wisdom. We are unique and yet we are the same. The uniqueness makes for the fun and the sameness makes for the bond. It's a good relationship.
So what do we do with our difficult lives? We live them, sometimes with much gratitude and other times with resentment. We are not perfect and I don't think we should strive to be perfect. Perfect is an illusion and good is good enough. I get into trouble with myself when I doubt my essential goodness. I am often examining myself, trying to stay honest with myself, but too much of that can lead to another form of perfectionism. At that moment what I most need is faith. Faith requires that I let go and believe in a higher power.
Sometimes it is hard to believe in a higher power, especially when I'm feeling vulnerable and afraid. Where is God? Everywhere, yet intangible. Sometimes the voices will say to me that there is no God and yet I hold onto my belief. Sometimes the voices threaten me with hell, but I keep reaching for heaven. It comforts me to think that there are people experiencing heaven on earth right this moment. And to be fair, I've had some heavenly moments too, though I often forget that. The essence of life is ever elusive yet always present. The essence is good. I think we intuitively know this and it gets us through the hard spots. We are not lost in some eternal void, we are in something much greater than ourselves. The goodness is in the water, air, food, and light. We drink it, breathe it, eat it and absorb it.
What would happen to us if life were easy? Would that be nirvana? One of the reasons why I respect people is that I know they have suffered and overcome their suffering countless times. I still dream of a world where there is no need for suffering, where everyone is happy, safe, kind and useful, but I can't get around the fact that the negative serves to highlight the positive. Nothing really goes to waste. The brilliance of life is that it offers countless challenges to overcome adversity. And people are doing just that. I'm doing it. You're doing it.
It is comforting to think that the higher power gives us our daily challenges, not to punish us, but to give us opportunities to grow. A bean sprout pushes against the earth as it reaches for the sunlight and so do we. When we first learn to crawl we utilize gravity until we find ourselves standing upright. And by standing upright we develop a taste for the freedom that goes with it. Life is both difficult and it is easy at the same time. It is difficult to learn to walk and yet once you learn it is easy. But with the freedom comes an element of danger because we are all capable of being hurt. The good news is that with faith and determination we can overcome most obstacles. Yes there are wounds and there are scars, but there is also life and life is precious. I feel my discomfort every day, but I'm still glad to be alive.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Changing Habitual Patterns
I hope everyone entered into the New Year happily and safely. I was asleep at the stroke of midnight, so I missed that magic moment. I woke up again sometime after 1 AM. I'm pretty sure it was the three glasses of wine that knocked me out earlier. I didn't mind sleeping through the switch over from 2008 to 2009. It felt good to be so relaxed. The truth is there was no switch over really, just a continuation of time, but we humans make up constructs to define our world, just as we define borders where there are none. Still there is something to be said for coming full cycle through the four seasons (well, there are four seasons where I live). There is no denying that time has passed and we have changed. And it is hard not to feel the pull to change oneself for the better right now by following new year's resolutions, though those will likely change too as circumstances shift.
I want this to be the year that I get back in touch with my body. Since I quit smoking cigarettes again 64 days ago I've put on weight. I have been hiding behind the weight for years now, but I have moments when I move with some small bit of grace, a leftover from the dance and yoga of the past. Tonight I listened to an audio recording of Pema Chodron speaking about getting unstuck from habitual patterns. I turned out most of the lights and sat down on the floor, then I lay down first on my back and then on my stomach and listened.
She talked about how our minds are rarely still, how we live in a state of restlessness and how we fall into habitual/addictive patterns as a way to get temporary relief and comfort. She said feeding our addictions is how we stay stuck and in pain. One of her Buddhist teachers taught her that we are like small children with a case of scabies (a contagious, itching skin disease caused by a mite). The more we scratch the itch, the worse it gets despite temporary relief. We wind up living for that temporary relief, that drink or smoke or piece of food or whatever. We wind up bleeding and suffering from all the scratching that we've been doing.
No one is exempt. It is the nature of the mind to be restless. Just try sitting still for 15 minutes following your breath and you'll see. Pema Chodron illustrated her point by ringing a meditation bell. The instruction was to listen to the sound of it as it faded away. Simple right? No. She hit the bell three times. Only one of those times did I feel as if I had stayed with the sound from beginning to end, the other times I attached to my thoughts. I wasn't being willful, I just got distracted.
How serious is it? Potentially life threatening. Certainly life deadening. I give in to instant gratification--I eat too much and I exercise too little. And yet I continue to have the wish to get healthy. Compared to alcohol and heroin addiction this seems a minor problem, but it really isn't. I am no longer young and my metabolism has slowed down. I just don't need as much food as I did even 10 years ago and yet one of my meds is an appetite stimulant (Risperdal). So when I have that extra mug of sweetened coffee or that extra bowl of cereal, I am staying stuck in an addictive cycle.
What am I afraid of? Sitting with the discomfort of doing without. The discomfort has been exacerbated by the effects of living with schizophrenia. I've lived without my sanity. I've lived with voices ordering me about. And so I learned while things were going badly to comfort myself in small ways. But now the worst is, it seems, past and I have to learn how to turn back the tides and refrain instead of indulge, not to punish or deprive, but to heal. Initially it won't feel like healing; it will be uncomfortable.
I want this to be the year that I get back in touch with my body. Since I quit smoking cigarettes again 64 days ago I've put on weight. I have been hiding behind the weight for years now, but I have moments when I move with some small bit of grace, a leftover from the dance and yoga of the past. Tonight I listened to an audio recording of Pema Chodron speaking about getting unstuck from habitual patterns. I turned out most of the lights and sat down on the floor, then I lay down first on my back and then on my stomach and listened.
She talked about how our minds are rarely still, how we live in a state of restlessness and how we fall into habitual/addictive patterns as a way to get temporary relief and comfort. She said feeding our addictions is how we stay stuck and in pain. One of her Buddhist teachers taught her that we are like small children with a case of scabies (a contagious, itching skin disease caused by a mite). The more we scratch the itch, the worse it gets despite temporary relief. We wind up living for that temporary relief, that drink or smoke or piece of food or whatever. We wind up bleeding and suffering from all the scratching that we've been doing.
No one is exempt. It is the nature of the mind to be restless. Just try sitting still for 15 minutes following your breath and you'll see. Pema Chodron illustrated her point by ringing a meditation bell. The instruction was to listen to the sound of it as it faded away. Simple right? No. She hit the bell three times. Only one of those times did I feel as if I had stayed with the sound from beginning to end, the other times I attached to my thoughts. I wasn't being willful, I just got distracted.
How serious is it? Potentially life threatening. Certainly life deadening. I give in to instant gratification--I eat too much and I exercise too little. And yet I continue to have the wish to get healthy. Compared to alcohol and heroin addiction this seems a minor problem, but it really isn't. I am no longer young and my metabolism has slowed down. I just don't need as much food as I did even 10 years ago and yet one of my meds is an appetite stimulant (Risperdal). So when I have that extra mug of sweetened coffee or that extra bowl of cereal, I am staying stuck in an addictive cycle.
What am I afraid of? Sitting with the discomfort of doing without. The discomfort has been exacerbated by the effects of living with schizophrenia. I've lived without my sanity. I've lived with voices ordering me about. And so I learned while things were going badly to comfort myself in small ways. But now the worst is, it seems, past and I have to learn how to turn back the tides and refrain instead of indulge, not to punish or deprive, but to heal. Initially it won't feel like healing; it will be uncomfortable.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Mortality and Resolutions
I've been in Florida for just about a week. The weather has been lovely, far from the snow laden north/northwest and I have gone to the beach with my family twice. No problems on this end, though I have been worrying somewhat about my mother who, at age 80, is definitely starting to slow down. My father told me sometime this year that my mother has been diagnosed as having congestive heart failure, but it seems that the vast quantities of pills that she takes each day are doing much to extend her life. She has not talked about all this with Rob or me and so we have not talked about it with her. She seems happy and well adjusted and hopeful. I'm just happy to be spending some quality time with her. I have been recording my family's conversations, some of which have been quite interesting and will listen to them when I return home.
I know mortality is not much of a holiday topic, but it has been on my mind. My father, who is 82, gave me a long memo on what to do in case someone in the family dies. Morbid, yes, but necessary and I appreciate him taking the time to spell the procedure out for me, though I confess I have not read it through yet and probably won't till I'm settled back home. I don't really want to read it, but I know I must. My father has a rare form of leukemia that is very fortunately treatable, but still we don't know how long he will be around either. I guess it's normal to think of the death of one's parents once they've reached the age of 80. Also I don't get to see them very often, so that when I do, I wonder-will this be the last time?
My brother takes after my mother in that they are both talkative people. If my mother were to pass away, there would be a serious gap in our family. This is really the first time that I've considered the possibility and yet it is just a fact of life. None of us live forever. Of course, I do not want either of my parents to ever die, but I know, on a certain level, that I need to psychologically prepare for the eventuality. Having said that, I also know that I should not dwell on it and should make the most of the present moments of relative health and wellness.
Right now, we are all alive and well and enjoying each other's company. My parent's apartment is not quite big enough for me to have a room of my own, so I have been sleeping in the living room at night. For the most part this has been fine, but now I am beginning to get restless. I will be ready to leave on Friday and head back to my home, though I will miss the warm and sunny weather of my parent's home as I will miss my parent's company. I need to make a point of staying in touch with them, something I have not been doing so much these last 6 months.
The voices have been mostly quiet this trip. For some reason when I am in someone else's environment and living with their structure for a week or so, the voices recede only to return when I resume my solitude. That should tell me something about the need for human contact and for some structure in my life. And it does, but I still have a lot of trouble with both. I told my mother that I was going to try and volunteer where Bev works, a Catholic charities organization. She thought it was a good idea, but only if I enjoyed it and she suggested that I volunteer for a month to start with to see if I can handle it. I'm hoping that I can and that I do enjoy it, it would be a godsend if I did, giving my life some usefulness and purpose and curbing my reclusive tendencies. I will have to be interviewed by Bev's boss and checked out to make sure I'm not some kind of felon. I will be open about my schizophrenia.
So that's a New Year's resolution. Another resolution is to communicate with a local minister to discuss my situation and my need (and other's need) for some kind of support group. I have her email address and will just have to take the plunge and reveal my story to her. My therapist has met the minister several times and says she is very approachable. I've gone to church once or twice and listened to her sermons and also got a good impression of her. I really should be happy that there is someone to go to in my town with my request, I just wish I knew more about what starting a support group entails.
Anyway, happy and safe holidays to all and hopefully I will pick up the pace with writing in this blog when I get home again.
I know mortality is not much of a holiday topic, but it has been on my mind. My father, who is 82, gave me a long memo on what to do in case someone in the family dies. Morbid, yes, but necessary and I appreciate him taking the time to spell the procedure out for me, though I confess I have not read it through yet and probably won't till I'm settled back home. I don't really want to read it, but I know I must. My father has a rare form of leukemia that is very fortunately treatable, but still we don't know how long he will be around either. I guess it's normal to think of the death of one's parents once they've reached the age of 80. Also I don't get to see them very often, so that when I do, I wonder-will this be the last time?
My brother takes after my mother in that they are both talkative people. If my mother were to pass away, there would be a serious gap in our family. This is really the first time that I've considered the possibility and yet it is just a fact of life. None of us live forever. Of course, I do not want either of my parents to ever die, but I know, on a certain level, that I need to psychologically prepare for the eventuality. Having said that, I also know that I should not dwell on it and should make the most of the present moments of relative health and wellness.
Right now, we are all alive and well and enjoying each other's company. My parent's apartment is not quite big enough for me to have a room of my own, so I have been sleeping in the living room at night. For the most part this has been fine, but now I am beginning to get restless. I will be ready to leave on Friday and head back to my home, though I will miss the warm and sunny weather of my parent's home as I will miss my parent's company. I need to make a point of staying in touch with them, something I have not been doing so much these last 6 months.
The voices have been mostly quiet this trip. For some reason when I am in someone else's environment and living with their structure for a week or so, the voices recede only to return when I resume my solitude. That should tell me something about the need for human contact and for some structure in my life. And it does, but I still have a lot of trouble with both. I told my mother that I was going to try and volunteer where Bev works, a Catholic charities organization. She thought it was a good idea, but only if I enjoyed it and she suggested that I volunteer for a month to start with to see if I can handle it. I'm hoping that I can and that I do enjoy it, it would be a godsend if I did, giving my life some usefulness and purpose and curbing my reclusive tendencies. I will have to be interviewed by Bev's boss and checked out to make sure I'm not some kind of felon. I will be open about my schizophrenia.
So that's a New Year's resolution. Another resolution is to communicate with a local minister to discuss my situation and my need (and other's need) for some kind of support group. I have her email address and will just have to take the plunge and reveal my story to her. My therapist has met the minister several times and says she is very approachable. I've gone to church once or twice and listened to her sermons and also got a good impression of her. I really should be happy that there is someone to go to in my town with my request, I just wish I knew more about what starting a support group entails.
Anyway, happy and safe holidays to all and hopefully I will pick up the pace with writing in this blog when I get home again.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Car Trouble And Prayers
My brother Rob and I leave for Florida early on Thursday morning. I'll be away for a little over a week. I don't like this time of year. I don't like the short days, the bad weather and the traveling. I don't like leaving the cats alone (though a friend keeps an eye on them). But I do like seeing my parents. Last year I didn't go visit them, so this year I absolutely must go. I know I should think of the trip as a little adventure and I will try to do just that. But today I encountered an obstacle: the car wouldn't start. I called Triple A, but they didn't get to my house for a couple of hours and then the man started the car without having to do anything. I let the car run for 15 minutes and then turned it off. Waited, then turned it on again to check it--no problem. And then off. Tomorrow I will get up early and try to turn it on again. I did make an appointment to bring the car in Wednesday morning. I've been praying that there's nothing major wrong with the car because tomorrow I need to pick up my meds and get more catfood. Fortunately our friend Richard is willing to drive us up.
I was able to call Triple A, but I had such trouble calling the car repair office. It took me at least 10 minutes to get myself to make the call. I've been having this problem making calls for years, mainly since I became ill. There was a time when I was not able to carry on a conversation. Somehow I managed to get through that stage. Now, I can have a conversation, but I have trouble asking for help from relative strangers on the phone. I feel so self-conscious, worried that I will sound dumb or incoherent. It's hard to describe. I just feel incompetent, helpless, vulnerable. But some phone calls have to be made, like today and I have to make them regardless of how I'm feeling.
I prayed today for help, for guidance from God. I got so uptight. It took me a couple of hours to wind down. I worried what should I do if the car doesn't start? I'd get it towed. How could I get to the bank, pharmacy, post office and store without a car? I'd have to impose of Richard or his wife. I hate bothering people, that's one reason why I keep to myself, but there are times when it can't be helped. But for a few minutes I did Let Go and Let God. I tried to accept the idea that I am being watched over by God, that as long as I remain open and willing to do my part, I will have a measure of protection. I counted myself fortunate that the car didn't break down in some out of the way place, far from people. And I have thought before that it's amazing how right things go most of the time. So during the times when things aren't going well, it's good to be grateful for all the times when everything has gone smoothly.
I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday this year. Love yourself, your family and your friends, love strangers. Spread the word: Peace on Earth.
I was able to call Triple A, but I had such trouble calling the car repair office. It took me at least 10 minutes to get myself to make the call. I've been having this problem making calls for years, mainly since I became ill. There was a time when I was not able to carry on a conversation. Somehow I managed to get through that stage. Now, I can have a conversation, but I have trouble asking for help from relative strangers on the phone. I feel so self-conscious, worried that I will sound dumb or incoherent. It's hard to describe. I just feel incompetent, helpless, vulnerable. But some phone calls have to be made, like today and I have to make them regardless of how I'm feeling.
I prayed today for help, for guidance from God. I got so uptight. It took me a couple of hours to wind down. I worried what should I do if the car doesn't start? I'd get it towed. How could I get to the bank, pharmacy, post office and store without a car? I'd have to impose of Richard or his wife. I hate bothering people, that's one reason why I keep to myself, but there are times when it can't be helped. But for a few minutes I did Let Go and Let God. I tried to accept the idea that I am being watched over by God, that as long as I remain open and willing to do my part, I will have a measure of protection. I counted myself fortunate that the car didn't break down in some out of the way place, far from people. And I have thought before that it's amazing how right things go most of the time. So during the times when things aren't going well, it's good to be grateful for all the times when everything has gone smoothly.
I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday this year. Love yourself, your family and your friends, love strangers. Spread the word: Peace on Earth.
Friday, December 12, 2008
A Meeting, The First Break In The Ice
Almost a week of silence here. I'm sorry everyone. I've just been feeling withdrawn, so I've been sleeping a lot.
I did go and visit with my brother's friend Jude. I had lent her some tapes of me singing my songs and went to pick them up. I had heard a few days earlier from my brother that she had been "impressed" with some of my songs. I was happy that she liked them, but I was nervous about going to visit with her. The tapes were from over ten years ago and I hadn't listened to them in a while, so I wasn't exactly sure what she had been listening to. So I listened to a couple of songs on my 8 track to get a feel for it. I realized that I was a different person a decade ago, just entering into psychosis and that Jude might be responding to my former self rather than to my present self.
And I wondered if I was a better person now or then. Then I had left my abusive partner and started writing songs as a form of therapy. Then I had thought that I was getting a second chance at being happy. I took classes and went back to school but I made some of my best music just as I was becoming psychotic. Despite the illness that was growing in me, I appeared strong and confident. The recordings don't sound crazy. But I was headed for a fall and when the fall came I couldn't play anymore. I was too wounded.
That wounded state has lasted till now, though I am many times better than I was ten years ago. And it was that wounded self that knocked on Jude's door and then sat down at her dining room table with a cup of coffee. Jude told me how much she enjoyed my music, especially one tape in particular, the tape I had sent to the rock star 10 and 1/2 years ago. I asked if I could hear her music because Jude has done some of her own songwriting. She gave me a tape to take home and listen to because she didn't want to play it for me. She said my music was rock and roll whereas her music was folk and blues and she then sort of put her music down which I didn't like. We continued to talk with awkward moments interspersed here and there.
I was open with her about my mental illness because I wanted to be and she shared some of her personal experience with suicidal depression, how taking Prozac changed her life for the better. I told her that I had responded well to the medications also. I briefly mentioned how I wanted to start a mental health support group, but was too shy to approach the minister who might be able to help me to do it. She thought it was a good idea and said she bet a lot of people would show up. It felt good just to talk to her about it.
When I got home I listened to the tape she had given me. The music was good, much more carefully constructed than my songs and a lot sweeter too. I've listened to her tape about five or six times because I want to give her some good feedback. Her music is also from a while ago and in the interim her voice has changed and gotten deeper, so she doesn't sing as much as she used to. I could identify with that also. The difference is that Jude has learned to be technically savvy and she has gone so far as to perform which I have never done.
After I listened to Jude's music, I then listened to mine. I wished that we had talked more deeply about our music, but this was the first time I had visited her and she would be leaving for Florida for the winter in a few days. She did give me her email address, so I will keep in touch with her, but I am already looking forward to her return in the spring. She said when she got back that we could get drunk together and sing and play to break the ice.
Meanwhile, I'm here with my acoustic and electric guitars that I can barely play and a voice that needs a lot of singing practice. I have been writing bits and pieces of songs, but I don't know if I can ever get the strength back to sing and play the way I used to. I can only set my mind to practice this winter and see what happens. I told Jude that there was some crossover between music and psychosis for me which is why I can't just jump into it. I have to be cautious and pay attention to any warning signs. Sometimes I can sing okay, but other times it's a fight to sing because the voices interfere. I just can't seem to let go of this dream of being a singer/songwriter, but I have to adjust to the fact that I have changed.
I did go and visit with my brother's friend Jude. I had lent her some tapes of me singing my songs and went to pick them up. I had heard a few days earlier from my brother that she had been "impressed" with some of my songs. I was happy that she liked them, but I was nervous about going to visit with her. The tapes were from over ten years ago and I hadn't listened to them in a while, so I wasn't exactly sure what she had been listening to. So I listened to a couple of songs on my 8 track to get a feel for it. I realized that I was a different person a decade ago, just entering into psychosis and that Jude might be responding to my former self rather than to my present self.
And I wondered if I was a better person now or then. Then I had left my abusive partner and started writing songs as a form of therapy. Then I had thought that I was getting a second chance at being happy. I took classes and went back to school but I made some of my best music just as I was becoming psychotic. Despite the illness that was growing in me, I appeared strong and confident. The recordings don't sound crazy. But I was headed for a fall and when the fall came I couldn't play anymore. I was too wounded.
That wounded state has lasted till now, though I am many times better than I was ten years ago. And it was that wounded self that knocked on Jude's door and then sat down at her dining room table with a cup of coffee. Jude told me how much she enjoyed my music, especially one tape in particular, the tape I had sent to the rock star 10 and 1/2 years ago. I asked if I could hear her music because Jude has done some of her own songwriting. She gave me a tape to take home and listen to because she didn't want to play it for me. She said my music was rock and roll whereas her music was folk and blues and she then sort of put her music down which I didn't like. We continued to talk with awkward moments interspersed here and there.
I was open with her about my mental illness because I wanted to be and she shared some of her personal experience with suicidal depression, how taking Prozac changed her life for the better. I told her that I had responded well to the medications also. I briefly mentioned how I wanted to start a mental health support group, but was too shy to approach the minister who might be able to help me to do it. She thought it was a good idea and said she bet a lot of people would show up. It felt good just to talk to her about it.
When I got home I listened to the tape she had given me. The music was good, much more carefully constructed than my songs and a lot sweeter too. I've listened to her tape about five or six times because I want to give her some good feedback. Her music is also from a while ago and in the interim her voice has changed and gotten deeper, so she doesn't sing as much as she used to. I could identify with that also. The difference is that Jude has learned to be technically savvy and she has gone so far as to perform which I have never done.
After I listened to Jude's music, I then listened to mine. I wished that we had talked more deeply about our music, but this was the first time I had visited her and she would be leaving for Florida for the winter in a few days. She did give me her email address, so I will keep in touch with her, but I am already looking forward to her return in the spring. She said when she got back that we could get drunk together and sing and play to break the ice.
Meanwhile, I'm here with my acoustic and electric guitars that I can barely play and a voice that needs a lot of singing practice. I have been writing bits and pieces of songs, but I don't know if I can ever get the strength back to sing and play the way I used to. I can only set my mind to practice this winter and see what happens. I told Jude that there was some crossover between music and psychosis for me which is why I can't just jump into it. I have to be cautious and pay attention to any warning signs. Sometimes I can sing okay, but other times it's a fight to sing because the voices interfere. I just can't seem to let go of this dream of being a singer/songwriter, but I have to adjust to the fact that I have changed.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Let Go And Let God
I have seen signs and bumper stickers proclaiming "God Bless America!" and have been annoyed by them; even when I was very psychotic I thought "May God bless the world and not just America." So a few years back I shot a photograph of this bumper sticker because I think it is more to the point. Lately I've been reading 12 step daily readers, some Al-Anon, some AA/NA, because I want to bring an awareness of God back into my life. I'm too detached from the spiritual side of myself and have been for a while.
I am still a beginner when it comes to understanding the Higher Power. Growing up in an atheistic/agnostic family conditioned me to avoid thinking about even the existence of God. I can't discuss the spiritual side of life with my family to this very day. To them it is a taboo subject. To them, we live and then we die and that's it. But I don't believe that. I believe that there's more to the picture than meets the eye. My experience with psychosis only confirms this belief.
One of the daily readers I have is called Each Day a New Beginning and it asserts many things. One thing it asserts is that God loves us unconditionally. I have enough guilt and shame in me to find this hard to believe, but I also think I do need to seriously consider it. Unconditional love means that whatever negative things I have done in my life, God will always accept me, in any condition. But before I can embrace that belief, I have to love myself as I imagine God would love me, unconditionally.
I have been through a lot, but the older I get I think, well, who hasn't? And mixed in with that idea is the understanding that I am not alone, though sometimes I act as if I am. So I have to say right here, right now, that I forgive myself for all the rotten things I've done in my life, intentionally and unintentionally. But just saying it is not enough, I have to practice self-forgiveness so that I can move on to more worthy pursuits.
So, if there is a God, God loves me, loves everyone and accepts us unconditionally. It's we who create all these conditions, not the Higher Power and it's we who do the punishing usually both of ourselves and those who have disappointed us. If it is true that God loves us unconditionally, then I can't believe the Old Testament was written by anyone but mere mortals. Mortals who believed in taking an eye for an eye, rather than in forgiveness. I believe the New Testament was also written by men because there are contradictions in it, but still Jesus' message gets through--"Love your enemies" just as God loves our enemies, because God loves everyone unconditionally.
Well, perhaps I am talking a good game, but my conception of God is still pretty hazy. Is it enough to know that some wise and benevolent entity out there somewhere in the universe looks down kindly on me and all of us as we blunder along? It may not be enough, but it's a start in the right direction.
Saying that God is love brings me closer to actually believing it. I have been working with affirmations this week. I've been writing them out on index cards and posting them near the computer. I have also been speaking them into my tape recorder and listening back to them. Gradually I will increase my exposure to them because I'm finding that they really do make me feel better and clearer. What initially startled me was my resistance to them, but now I've gotten past that stage and can start to incorporate them into my life.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Waking Up
I guess what's stopped me from writing these last couple of weeks is a conflict between the desire to be positive and the need to be honest. Honestly, I've been having an increase of the voices and depression. This means I spend more time lying down and doing little, either falling asleep or exploring my thoughts and psychosis. That sounds kind of negative, but actually it helps me to stay stable. It is a combination of relaxing and reflecting that seems to ease some of the general negativity. Still too much of anything is not good and so I keep waking myself up.
My brother invited four people over to my house for Thanksgiving dinner. Two days before Thanksgiving I still hadn't done much cleaning, but after a little praying and saying some affirmations ("I CAN clean my house.") I did start to clean. When I was done, it wasn't perfect, but it was much improved and I felt willing to have people into my house. Turns out only three people came, all of whom I loosely knew. The one woman was someone who I had wanted to get to know better. She was a long time friend of my brother, sort of like an older sister to him over the years. I knew she (and probably everyone in the small group) knew that I suffered from schizophrenia. I knew that she probably knew some intimate details of my life. I trusted my brother and so I trusted that she was a good person who would treat me gently.
And she did. She was kind and supportive and funny and so I liked her. Yes, there were a few awkward moments throughout the night, but nothing major. She said early on in the afternoon that she wanted to hear my music because she was also a song writer. Later she reminded me, well, really put me on the spot, but I didn't completely want to say no either. I played a couple of songs on the tape player, but then felt too self conscious. The woman asked if she could borrow my tapes to listen to and make copies for herself. I wound up giving her four partially completed tapes, including the tape that I sent to the rock star at the onset of the acute stage of my psychosis. It was a daring gesture on my part because I didn't exactly know what I was giving her. I hadn't listened to most of it in a while. But one thing I did know was that the songs were between 10 and 13 years old, nothing new and my voice was in better condition. My lyrics may be suspect, I don't know, I was just out of an abusive relationship and I was still angry, so some of the songs are angry songs.
Anyway, that was Thursday and today is Sunday and I haven't yet heard back from her, so I don't know what her response to my older work was. I feel embarrassed right now. I think I put on an attitude then that I just couldn't put on now. I've been through too much horrible stuff since then and it has changed me physically, emotionally and mentally. I am not the same person I was a decade ago. In some ways I feel defeated and in other ways I feel humbled, which is better.
This woman will be leaving to go live in Florida for the next four or five months, but maybe when she gets back in the spring I can work on some music with her. I've been working on some new songs. It would be amazing to actually work with a real live human being. Most of what I've done creatively in my life, I've done alone--sing, play guitar, dance, paint, write. Now maybe a door is opening nearby, a door I can walk through once I stir up some confidence. I used to be a solitary performer. Maybe this woman will help me and maybe somehow I can help her too.
You know what I didn't do on Thanksgiving? I didn't give thanks with my heart, I was so preoccupied with people that I forgot what the whole occasion was about. But just welcoming people into my home was a good thing all around, something I should do more of.
My brother invited four people over to my house for Thanksgiving dinner. Two days before Thanksgiving I still hadn't done much cleaning, but after a little praying and saying some affirmations ("I CAN clean my house.") I did start to clean. When I was done, it wasn't perfect, but it was much improved and I felt willing to have people into my house. Turns out only three people came, all of whom I loosely knew. The one woman was someone who I had wanted to get to know better. She was a long time friend of my brother, sort of like an older sister to him over the years. I knew she (and probably everyone in the small group) knew that I suffered from schizophrenia. I knew that she probably knew some intimate details of my life. I trusted my brother and so I trusted that she was a good person who would treat me gently.
And she did. She was kind and supportive and funny and so I liked her. Yes, there were a few awkward moments throughout the night, but nothing major. She said early on in the afternoon that she wanted to hear my music because she was also a song writer. Later she reminded me, well, really put me on the spot, but I didn't completely want to say no either. I played a couple of songs on the tape player, but then felt too self conscious. The woman asked if she could borrow my tapes to listen to and make copies for herself. I wound up giving her four partially completed tapes, including the tape that I sent to the rock star at the onset of the acute stage of my psychosis. It was a daring gesture on my part because I didn't exactly know what I was giving her. I hadn't listened to most of it in a while. But one thing I did know was that the songs were between 10 and 13 years old, nothing new and my voice was in better condition. My lyrics may be suspect, I don't know, I was just out of an abusive relationship and I was still angry, so some of the songs are angry songs.
Anyway, that was Thursday and today is Sunday and I haven't yet heard back from her, so I don't know what her response to my older work was. I feel embarrassed right now. I think I put on an attitude then that I just couldn't put on now. I've been through too much horrible stuff since then and it has changed me physically, emotionally and mentally. I am not the same person I was a decade ago. In some ways I feel defeated and in other ways I feel humbled, which is better.
This woman will be leaving to go live in Florida for the next four or five months, but maybe when she gets back in the spring I can work on some music with her. I've been working on some new songs. It would be amazing to actually work with a real live human being. Most of what I've done creatively in my life, I've done alone--sing, play guitar, dance, paint, write. Now maybe a door is opening nearby, a door I can walk through once I stir up some confidence. I used to be a solitary performer. Maybe this woman will help me and maybe somehow I can help her too.
You know what I didn't do on Thanksgiving? I didn't give thanks with my heart, I was so preoccupied with people that I forgot what the whole occasion was about. But just welcoming people into my home was a good thing all around, something I should do more of.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Self Help
I shot this digital photograph a few years ago when I visited Ireland with my mother, but I see it here symbolically, like coming up from the dungeon (though, in fact, I think it was a monastery). So here I am climbing the stone stairs to get to the light, to look out at freedom.
We all come from different places, have different patterns and dreams, but essentially, we are the same. We've laughed and cried, felt fear and love and anger. There's more that unites us, than divides us. I forget this.
Today I went to the school library and picked up a book that Christina had recommended called FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. When I got home I read through the first 5 chapters. The author is promoting the power of positive thinking, especially during adverse circumstances. She encourages the belief that we can handle whatever comes our way. We can't erase the fear, especially when learning something new, but we can face the fear and "do it anyway". It's doing the scary part that helps to create confidence.
I realize that I am a fearful person. Living with an abusive alcoholic for over five years trained me in the fear response, trained me so well, that I was afraid even when there was nothing to be afraid of. The psychosis also trained me with fear, trained me to be my own worst enemy. Now, when I go through my down times, I become anxious, though my present moment holds only peace and quiet. I play the russian roulette game of "What if...?" instead of relaxing into the moment of peace I do have. I make the mistake of slipping into negative thoughts and sitting with them.
Why do I sit with the negative? I guess I want to see the whole picture, but the truth is I can only see part of the big picture. I am not God, not all seeing and powerful. There's another truth, that negative thinking turns in on itself and paints the world black when it is full of color. I want to believe in the power of positive thinking. In fact, I relied on this philosophy during hard times in my life. Al-Anon taught me to keep the focus on myself, accept what I couldn't change and change what I could, not in others, but in myself. I have no control over others and no control over the voices, but I do have control over myself and my attitude.
I need to mull over this idea that I suffer from an addict's disease. I'm still looking for completion outside myself as if I don't have enough within myself to be happy. I do have enough, more than enough. Ms. Jefferds and others promote the self-help philosophy of retraining yourself. Instead of listening to negative self talk (which is persistent and sometimes subtle), you actively create as positive an atmosphere as you can. LIsten to inspirational audiobooks, read inspirational books, say to yourself affirmations morning, noon and night, write inspirational quotes on index cards and post them around your living space.
My question to myself was is this a form of brainwashing? But then I think of all the negative thoughts that filter into my consciousness from myself or from the voices and I think that it's only common sense to replace the negative with the positive. And it's not easy. There's resistance to me saying to myself "I am a good woman and I deserve to be happy", but if I don't believe it and fight for it, the happiness part won't just someday show up.
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