My Computer Is Not Working

A couple of days ago I tried to turn on my computer and it wouldn't turn on all the way, so I have to call a computer service place tomorrow and bring my computer in to be checked out. It's possible that I'll have to get a new computer. I don't know how long this will take. Right now I'm using my brother's computer. So if you don't hear much from me for the next week or two, you now know why. I hope all of you are well and hopefully I'll be back online soon. Take care.

Siblings

Another painting based on a Mary Ellen Mark photograph. What's unusual for me about this painting is that I'm also using a couple of Pitt Markers to outline the boy and part of the girl. I haven't done much with mixed media; this may be a start.

Mother And Child

This painting is based on a black and white photograph by the photographer Mary Ellen Mark in her book A Cry For Help: Stories of Homelessness and Hope. And I'm back to my old problem of trying to find subject matter to paint. Of course, I'm drawn to the compositions of really good photographers be they professionals, semi-professionals or amateurs. I probably should go back to sites like Flickr and look for photographs of people. I guess it's all right to practice painting using professional photographs like those of Mark and Sturges. Working from really good photographs teaches me about good subject matter and compositions, like painting from the masters. I have to remember that I'm still putting myself into the process, especially when I turn a black and white photograph into a color painting. Even just which photograph I choose is putting myself into it. Ideally, I would like to use my own photographs, but I have never been much of a people photographer. I did get a new camera, but I haven't learned how to use it properly yet, which I must. I used to be a good photographer, but it's been quite a while since I tried. I wish I could be a traditional painter and hire models to paint. Or make studies and then create an original composition. I should, at least, do a few self portraits. I think I'm making excuses. The main thing is to keep drawing and painting.

I've been spending a certain amount of time online trying to connect/help other people who suffer from mental illness. I've done a little bit at Health Central's Schizophrenia Connection where Chris Bruni works as a schizophrenia expert. There are some really nice people at that site and it's set up so that you can have a profile and a journal called a Share Post. I've only written two entries so far, but I'm also trying to contribute by answering some questions either posed by Christina in her Question of the Week or posed by other people on the site. I'll post the link to it in my Favorite Links section, so check it out.
I've also answered a few questions on Yahoo Answers. Yahoo Answers is where anyone can post a question and anyone can answer it. So I've been focusing on Mental Health questions. But the place where I've been spending more of my time has been on LiveJournal. It's a great place to meet other people suffering from mental illness, especially young people, some of whom really need help. I find there's more of a community feeling on LiveJournal than on Blogger. Here, we're each in our own pretty self contained world, but on LiveJournal everyone visits other communities and participates and gets to know other people. You can choose to "friend" other people and you have a "Friend's Page" that helps you to follow other people's journals more immediately. It's just a different feel to it. I like Blogger because it is more formal, but I like LiveJournal because it's more informal and in some ways more creative. There's a community called Crazy Poems where anyone with a mental illness can post poems about their illness. I've tentatively created a community called Crazy Artists hoping that all kinds of artists will post some of their work and connect with each other. I haven't gotten too far with that yet because I'm not sure what I'm doing, but, hopefully, I'll figure it out.

I haven't yet approached anyone in my town about starting a support group. I still feel insecure. I have to make myself go to the NAMI meeting on Wednesday even though I'm nervous about the driving because there's a couple who suffer from BiPolar Disorder who want to start a support group one town over from where I live, which would be much more accessible to me. They've set a date for a meeting on September 2nd, which I also must go to. I hope they have success and I want to support their efforts. I'm proud of anyone who suffers from mental illness who can start a support group. It takes courage and determination and it's so important.

Back To Painting

I drew and painted both of these portraits today. Nancy commissioned me to paint a portrait of her father and nephew, but I couldn't resist also painting a portrait of her sister with her daughter. They were both great photographs to work from. I was partially inspired by Pam Wagner who has just started painting portraits. She's very talented, so check out her blog and her Artid site. It's been about a month since I last painted. I'm hoping that this will be the beginning of many more paintings.

In Recovery Mode

My parents' visit was a success. My father stayed at my brother's house and my mother stayed with me. Richard and Kim did a great job of setting up my brother's house so that it would be comfortable for my father. Richard even reproduced family photographs and mounted them and put up shelves to display them in a sitting room. They also fixed up the bedroom downstairs in my house for my mother, painting the walls and everything. It gave me an excuse to go out and buy fresh sheets, a comforter, towels, etc... My mother was pleased with her room, the only drawback in both my house and my brother's house was that my parents had to climb stairs. At least I have a handrail, but my brother did not, so Richard installed one at my brother's house. I thought that was very considerate of him.

I actually cleaned and organized the upstairs in my house, but the only way that I got away with that was by storing a bunch of stuff in one of the bedrooms. My mother still complained that the house was too cluttered. She even said it wasn't fit for company, but I disagreed. Her standards are too high for me, even if I didn't suffer from a mental illness. But, on the whole, she seemed fairly comfortable. I set up a place for her to work on a jigsaw puzzle, which she loves to do. I did do a fair amount of driving, but except for the first night when I drove them from the airport to our houses in the dark and in the rain (which was very stressful for me), I didn't mind the driving. All of it was done during the daytime and the weather was good. I pretty much set up what we would do each day. I even made reservations for us several times and found that I wasn't as phone phobic as I usually am. I was proud of myself.

We saw the latest Harry Potter film, went to see a play, went on a boat ride, watched a couple of movies at my brother's house, but the real highlight was going out to eat. Every time we went out, we had a good to very good meal. I made a point of going to an Indian restaurant I've never been to for my father and brother's birthday. My brother was particularly grateful and I'd like to go back there again with him another time. And yes, I ate too much and so now it's back to regulating my diet and returning to exercise.

So my parents seemed well and were pleased with their visit and I didn't get stressed out this time. My voices have also been subdued and generally when they do speak up in my mind, they are supportive of me. I haven't had them telling me that I'm evil in months and the more they show consideration for me, the less I think ill of them. It has served me well to have compassion for them and to treat them with tolerance and kindness. I guess that's just the way I want to be. Though I am not Christian, my philosophy incorporates some of Christ's teachings to turn the other cheek and love those that abuse you. I have done it so often, that now I can coexist with them in relative harmony. It wasn't always that way. In the beginning of my psychosis I was filled with resentment, but, just as I didn't want to become consumed with hatred for my ex-boyfriend when he was abusing me, I didn't want to become a hateful person in relation to these mysterious voices. Negativity breeds negativity and prolongs symptoms. Acceptance and gratitude generate positive outcomes. Of course, when you are being attacked by the voices, cultivating acceptance and gratitude can be quite a challenge, but it is possible with practice. If I can do it, I know others can do it. There is hope.

The day before my parents arrived, I met with a NAMI president of a nearby county for lunch. I told her some of my story and she told me some of her story. I found out that she is a social worker and that her son suffers from schizophrenia, but is in the process of recovering. I felt fairly confident talking to her and she seemed to respond to me, but ultimately she can't really help me start a support group. I would have to go through a 3 day intensive training program with another person who suffers from mental illness and not only don't I know another person in my area, but the training programs are few and far between and I would have to travel quite a distance to get to one. The next one appears to be next year in Albany and I don't want to wait that long. Ms. Stanley did say that there is a couple who suffers from Bi-Polar Disorder who regularly comes to her monthly meeting. I met them briefly. They want to start a group in their town, but I'm still set on starting one in my town. Ms. Stanley gave me their phone number (they don't have a computer...), but I haven't had the courage to call them yet. First I want to make appointments to see if I can find a meeting place either through the local churches or through the town hall. I've been doing so well lately, I might just be ready to try this. I'll have to put some pressure on myself in the next couple of weeks.

It's also past time to get back to painting. Nancy has commissioned me to paint a portrait of her father and her nephew. Tonight I worked on a portrait of Richard's friend with his arm around his daughter. I drew the portrait a month ago, but didn't like the drawing and so I put it aside, but tonight I decided I needed some practice, so I began painting.

My Brother As A Child--1967

I consider this a rare photograph because my brother is smiling.

Recent Kitten Photo

Feeling Good

Thanks Chris for your advice and concern. I went to see the doctor this morning. I'm okay. My blood pressure is good, pulse is good, heart and lungs sound good. He was also pleased with my weight loss. He told me the symptoms for a heart attack and for a stroke and those weren't the symptoms that I had. He said many smokers experience something called pleurisy which is a inner inflammation that causes painful breathing, but is not life threatening. So I was relieved and left his office feeling good.

All in all, the painful breathing was a good thing because it got me to wake up to the fact that smoking is not an option for me any more. I'm also pleased that I made myself make an appointment to see my doctor, even if I should have done it sooner. The life expectancy for someone with schizophrenia is not good. I think this is partially due to the fact that over 10 percent of those who suffer from it commit suicide. I'm pretty positive that I've pushed past that point, but the other side of the coin is that many people with schizophrenia have a lot of trouble taking care of themselves. If you don't get symptoms treated early, you are courting potential disaster. Illnesses that could have been prevented with early treatment wind up cutting one's life short. It's also just a part of getting older. You have to get more check-ups and take more tests. I will see the doctor again in a month, but I will have blood work done to see if my bad cholesterol is coming down and my good cholesterol is going up.

The doctor did say that I should start exercising again and I plan to after my parent's visit. And I will return to the Anne Collins weight loss site because this past month I have plateaued-- that is neither gained, nor lost much weight. Losing 20 pounds is great, but I can't stop there, I have to keep going. Once I lose about 15 more pounds, I will no longer be considered obese, just overweight. I won't stop there either, but when I reach that weight I will be very proud of myself and I will begin to look and feel lighter.

A Mixed Bag

I started smoking again a couple of months ago, off and on, but last week I began getting a pain in my upper right arm when I breathed deeply. This was right around the time that I was about to go off to the Grassroots Music Festival for three and a half days. I began to worry about having a heart attack or a stroke, but didn't tell anyone. Instead I went to the music festival. I worried a bit, but the voices reassured me that I would not have a heart attack or stroke. They also told me to quit smoking on Monday and call my doctor's office to make an appointment.

Richard and his son Aaron took care of the kittens and Rob and I had a really good time at the festival. The pain in my arm went away by Sunday. I finished the last of my cigarettes and set my quit date for the next day. On Monday afternoon I called the doctor's office and made an appointment for Thursday (tomorrow). I told Richard, who is a nurse, about the pain in my arm and calling the doctor's office. He said I really shouldn't have waited and I know he's right, but at least I'm committed again to not smoking and I will see the doctor tomorrow.

I was surprised at how smoothly things went at the festival. I even felt confident driving at night when we headed back to the motel each night. The music was good, the food was good, most of the people were friendly and there was very little pressure.
Rob did complain that there was not enough African and Latin music and that the festival seemed to be getting progressively more "whitebread", but the last night we were there we got to see a female African singer, Oumou Sangare, and her band backed by a well known American banjo player named Bela Fleck. Bela Fleck had spent about five months exploring parts of Africa and playing music and learning music with other African musicians. After that performance, we got to see and listen to a very good Latin band called Novalima, from Peru I think. That wrapped up the night and the next day we went back home. I had been calling Richard at least once a day and when I got home, I saw that the cats and kittens were all very fine and I was grateful.

My parents arrive from Florida in a week. I have been cleaning only minimally, but I have to step it up. If all goes well, my father will be staying with my brother and my mother will be staying with me. All of the downstairs will not be finished, but the bedroom and the bathroom should be. This week, with Richard's help, I picked out some linoleum to cover the floors and that should be installed next Monday, just a couple of days before my mother settles into her room. It will be good to see my parents. I haven't since them since Christmas six months ago, but they will want to stay busy, which means I'll be doing a lot of driving my family around, since there's not a whole lot to do around where my brother and I live.

That's the thing about suffering from schizophrenia, at least for me, I'm not used to going out a lot or entertaining or cleaning, so I'll have to appear perhaps more together than I am, at least for a week. I think I can do it, mainly because going to the festival went so smoothly. I'm hoping that my doctor won't find anything really wrong with me tomorrow. I don't want to go in for tests at the hospital and all that. In fact, I've been very fortunate that I haven't had to be inside a hospital much ever, not even for my mental illness. I got through the worst of my psychosis mostly on my own with some help from my therapist.

New Opportunity

The president of the NAMI group I went to from the next county over wrote to me with three suggestions for starting a support group. Her first suggestion was to start a NAMI group in my town as an extension of her group. She said that there would probably be guidelines that I would have to follow and that she would find out more if I was interested, which I am. If I could find a meeting place, it would be the ideal solution. I told her I'd be willing to ask around at the local churches or the town hall to find a place. Her second suggestion was to start a non NAMI support group for students with mental health problems. She said that a college in her town had started a group and that it was part of a nationwide organization and that she could find out more information about that as well. I told her that that was a good suggestion, but that I was more interested in having a meeting that was open to both the schools and the surrounding community, if possible. Her final suggestion was for me to lead a support group in her town, just for those with mental illness. She wants to split the meeting she has now into two groups-one for family members of those with mental illness and one for people with mental illness because the two groups have different needs. I told her that though I would love to lead her meeting, that her town was too far away for me to commit to being available on a weekly basis. I said that since I became ill, I have become anxious about driving, especially in bad weather and at night time, which is why I would much prefer starting a meeting in my town. I live close enough to town that even if the weather was terrible, I could walk to the meeting place and hold a meeting every week. Still, I feel honored that she considered me, since she only met me once. At the end of her email she asked if we could get together for lunch to talk about the possibilities and I replied definitely yes.

I am so pleased that she was thoughtful enough to think of these suggestions and contact me. She is a busy woman with a full time job as well as being the NAMI president of her county and I am grateful to her for reaching out to me. I am hoping that NAMI higher ups will give her permission to let me start a group in my town. To be under the wings of such a major national advocacy group can only be a good thing and give the group even more credibility in this community. For me, personally, it would be a wonderful introduction to my own community service and would boost my self-esteem a great deal. I am so excited by the prospect of it, but will know more after I meet with Ms. Stanley. I have lived in such isolation from others who suffer from mental illness for over a decade, but now, all because I reached out to this woman, I may finally get to meet others like me and form some long lasting bonds and do some good for others in the process. God willing. The main thing is that now I might be ready to actually take on some responsibility, which is such a good sign of progress in my recovery from schizophrenia. It's amazing how having the support of even one person has given me such a boost to get out there and make a difference.

Kitten Photos