I've been here with my parents and brother for a little over a week and all's gone smoothly but I'm missing home and my two cats. Here there is cleanliness and order. Here there is communal living. Two things clearly absent from my home life and yet I have become a reclusive creature, used to my own space, my own rhythm. Not that I wouldn't like to live in a clean and ordered house or wouldn't like to see more of my parents, but I also want a measure of independence. I'm capable of living with my parents for a couple of weeks, beyond that I need to have alone time.
For now, I hide behind my MacBook laptop (which I just got a month and a half ago and love). I'm amazed at how much time I spend on the computer and it doesn't seem to bother my family at all. For a little under a week I've had an encyclopedia for the Mac and I've been soaking up information, images, sound. I'm only now starting to appreciate how much I can do though I'm lightyears behind most computer junkies. How the world is changing! I just learned today about podcasts and that they're free and plentiful (though I don't have an ipod but I do have iTunes). I've been an artistic dilettante for most of my life but what I've only just returned to is songwriting and singing. Before I got sick I had been making up my own songs for several years. The Spring and Summer that I first got sick I wrote and recorded a lot of songs, but soon the voices were attacking my songwriting and I stopped. It amazes me to think that that was eight years ago. I decided to return to songwriting after writing to Pam about wanting to dedicate myself to one art instead of spreading myself thin in many arts. She asked me which art form had most deeply affected me and I knew right away that it was music. Then she told me to focus on just that.
Before I came down here I did finish an old song and write a new one but unfortunately I got a bad cold/cough that wouldn't go away and I couldn't sing. I'm only now just getting over it, so I should be in good shape when I return home next week and I will continue with what I've started. The MacBook has a music program called GarageBand where you can create your own songs. I've been studying that for the last couple of days, but I'm very new to all this technology. I have an 8 track cassette recorder I bought eleven years ago but even with that I only know the basics. So I have to get myself in gear and start a daily program of study and practice. I'm glad to have a focus again.
My voices have been very quiet during this trip which is a relief. I remember other visits here where I was literally out of my mind, where I needed to talk to myself to get through the hard times. Now, the voices are more loving but just a month ago I was falling into delusion again. Consulting the I Ching helped me to get out of its grip; it redirected me towards a healthier balance. The anti-psychotic meds have vastly improved the quality of my life despite minor setbacks and I'm very grateful not to be living in the era of mandatory asylum stays with little effective treatment. At least now a days there's hope for if not full recovery then enough of a recovery to live independently. It's not perfect by any means but it's much more humane.
A Recovery Blog
This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness. I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write, by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist ideas and concepts. I claim that the yin/yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense, method and even a kind of balance. We are more resilient than we think. We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale. A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest, when we reach out for help, when we tell our stories.