I am not a Christian and yet when I recently read a critical comment it is Jesus' words that came to me: Judge not lest you be judged, turn the other cheek, love your enemies, and you who is without sin, cast the first stone. It's ironic but it is precisely those who use words as weapons that rouse my compassion. And I wonder, what pain are they going through or what pain have they lived through to get them to this point? I feel sadness. And I feel hurt and also annoyed. But I fight the annoyance, the desire to shoot an arrow in return. The person who tries to start a fight wants a fight in return, so turn the other cheek. The person who hates wants hate in return, so love. It is so simple and yet can be so hard to do.
Why do people balk at the truth that we all share in the same humanity? All of us have laughed and cried, felt love and fear, all of us have made mistakes. We are brothers and sisters and yet many of us are like Cain to Abel. Or more like Cain to Cain. We resent each other for one reason out of many and will not forgive. Until one day we go too far. From minor resentments brews hatred from hatred, violence and from violence to war. Everything escalates from small beginnings such as an insult thrown casually at an easy target.
Jesus councils on how to stop the cycle, through love and generosity, through focusing on our own faults rather than those of others: "first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Don't point the finger, work on yourself. Buddhists work on themselves by following what they call The Noble Eightfold Path. Three of those paths fall under Right Thought, Right Speech and Right Action. To change anything one must go to the source and the source of the contention here is in the thoughts. So, in this instance, I have been working on my thoughts, thoughts that want to strike out instead of understand. I encounter hostility in another and I want to respond in kind, but I don't. I work with my thoughts. I water the seeds of understanding instead of the seeds of anger. I stop being a mirror and begin to change my position. Only through Right Thought can you get to Right Speech and Right Speech is so important because words can be cutting and therefore destructively powerful. Words should not be spoken or written casually but with some forethought, with a sense of personal responsibility. And as we become more responsible about the quality and direction of our thoughts and speech there is the hope that this will begin to guide our actions.
And Jesus says to those that want to stone a woman to death for her adultery: "If any of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." One by one the men leave until it is just Jesus standing before the woman. And Jesus says to the woman: "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She responds "No one, sir" So he says "Then neither do I condemn you, go now and leave your life of sin." Jesus' Right Thought: Judge Not. Jesus' Right Speech: "If any of you is without sin..." And Jesus' Right Action: To not throw a stone. If anyone could have thrown a stone, it would have presumably been Jesus, and even he didn't. His thought and his speech set a good example and others followed him on to Right Action by walking away from judgement and condemnation.
But not all will walk away as is so clearly shown by the crucifixion of Jesus and is shown all over the world still in violence and war. Even dying on the cross Jesus asked God to forgive those who participated in his crucifixion: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." To the end, he practiced what he preached. Forgiveness is more than just good, it is essential, a powerful medicine.
5 comments:
An absolutely lovely post. I have more to say but only a minute at the moment...so will elaborate later.
Take care - and good job.
Elizabeth
Okay, now I have more time...
First and foremost, I want to disagree with Bella that domestic violence is a "trashy" person's problem. In my experience during the time I worked in AmeriCorps and was trained in aiding victims of DV, middle to upper class women grossly under-report domestic violence, thereby giving the impression that DV only happens in lower socio-economic families. Or, as Bella would say, "trashy" families. The reason seems to be that a greater stigma attaches to DV the higher up the social ladder you go. In lower class families, DV seems to be more of a norm. More normal and acceptable...whereas with middle and upper class victims, there's the sense that they let it happen, should've left, had the resources to get away, and so on. So, to hide their shame that they choose to stay, these women go to great lengths to hide what is happening, whereas lower class women tend to be more forthcoming.
I can also add personal experience to this issue, as I was abused mentally - and eventually physically - by the boyfriend I lived with during law school. At the time, I told no one, because people "like me" didn't let men abuse them. I was supposed to be too well off, too educated, too strong. But, DV is insidious. It starts off being not so bad, just every once in a while. Then it gets worse, more frequent. And, each time, your self esteem is eroded just a little bit more, taking a little bit of fight out of you with it.
After three years, I re-connected with an old friend who literally breathed life back into me. He made me feel good about myself again...and gave me the strength I needed to end my horrible relationship. Given the person I am now, it's hard to believe I ever let myself be treated that way. But, we can only learn from it and let it fortify us against ever going back there.
Also...your reponse to Bella was very classy. Good job (:
Elizabeth, thanks so much for the comments. I think that's wonderful that you've been trained to help Domestic Violence victims but, of course, not wonderful that you've been a victim yourself. And I never thought about it in terms of socio-economics but my experience confirms it.
I think I went briefly to a DV support group while I was still in the relationship. It was only after I became psychotic that I went to a local group, all women, I think all with children and all what Bella would call "white trash" (ugh). These were the women I helped and who helped me through the first three years of my illness. I was the only one without children and not involved in court proceedings.
I vowed while I was in the relationship that I would not have a child with Brendan. But if I had I think you would have seen me in that meeting a whole lot earlier. It's terribly isolating to be living with an on again/off again predator/lover but to have children! It makes it so much worse. And there's so much more responsibility on your shoulders while you're being beaten (sometimes literally) down because the children are in danger and need your protection. What to do? How to do it?
My parents and brother knew I was being abused and I think his family knew but that was it. I bore the brunt of it on my own. I tentatively planned my escape when my parents came to visit for my father and brother's birthday (same day) in the summer. Brendan said some kind of put down about my family (he would never face them but always took off when they were about to show up) and I just knew that that was it, I was leaving for good. But I couldn't have done it without my parents and the financial security they offered me. Most women don't have that luxury.
And that's why they turn to the police and the courts and get ordered into support groups and safe houses. They risk what little security they have to protect themselves and their children. I, on the other hand, could return to my home and start over in a way many women just can't. It was still a devastating experience and the first year I pretty much hid but I had no children and could heal at my own pace.
Sorry this is so long...I should write a more in depth blog entry on it really. Your words just made me think about it in a way I haven't for a few years.
Thanks again Beth : > D
Beautiful post, Kate, just beautiful!
Cheers,
Christina
Thank you, Kate, for such a thoughtful and beautifully expressed entry. I agree with everything you wrote but find it a difficult practice and don't always keep it in mind the way I should. That is key, I think, at least for me, to remember that anger need not be met with anger, but with love, and cruelty not with hurt feelings but with love...And also to remember that love is not a feeling but an act, so that I don't ask myself Do I feel love for this person? only How do I act lovingly towards him/her?
Bravo for one of the kindest posts I've ever read.
Pam W
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