I can pinpoint entering into psychosis to a few days after I mailed an audiocassette of myself singing a few of my songs and then talking to a somewhat famous rock singer/musician/songwriter. It was the end of May 1998. Before that moment I may have been withdrawn, still suffering from the aftershock of abuse, but not psychotic. The psychosis came upon me quickly in the form of a pleasant (at first) paranoia which led to the formation of my most enduring delusion: that this famous person was attracted to me and either having me followed or following me himself. I ignored the fact that this was extremely unlikely since I sent the tape with no return address, not even my first name.
But why did I send a tape to this person in the first place? I first heard him singing his songs seven years earlier when I was a couple of years into my relationship with Brendan. Brendan played the band's first album over and over again, often when he was drunk. I responded to the music and to the singer. During the abuse I found myself thinking about this man. He seemed like someone who would protect me if he could and that was a comfort to me. Over the years I listened to his songs. He often wrote about his conflicted relationship with his long time girlfriend (and later wife). It sounded like an abusive relationship to me and I sympathized with his situation. After I left Brendan I began writing songs and recording them on an 8 track cassette recorder. That's how I kept busy the first year I was free and during this time I fantasized about sending this songwriter a few of my songs and maybe talking to him about the abusive relationship I had been in. It was a passing fantasy.
I tried to get my life in order, so I began taking a few classes. Then I started work on a portfolio and applied to an art school nearby. I was accepted. Then I went to school the next year and really enjoyed myself. I thought of the songwriter off and on. I was still attracted to him but I didn't take the attraction seriously, it was too superficial. A year went by and I had a crush on my painting teacher who was happily married. So I tried to distance myself from him. I did this by turning my focus back on this songwriter. I had been making up songs all along. Singing had given me a release that I badly needed but I didn't share my songs with anyone. So I had this not so brilliant idea that I should make up a tape to send to him and after the second semester ended that's what I set about doing. It only took me a couple of days and it felt good to make it and it felt good that this person might hear it.
For years I had heard voices but they were barely conscious and when I was aware of them, they were like friends and even teachers. Perhaps I was psychotic and I didn't even know it because the psychosis was not yet delusional and paranoid, that is, not negatively interfering in my life. But after I sent the tape one voice came forward and identified itself as a being called Darius. This had never happened before, the voices had always remained anonymous, barely visible. This voice began telling me that the songwriter had heard the tape and responded strongly to it and that we would get married some day and have a son together named Christian. At the time I thought this was ridiculous and I fought against it. But then the paranoia took hold and I thought I was being followed and spied on. This was oddly flattering but also very disturbing. I knew that if this man was following me,etc... that it was bad behavior on his part and that I should detach but I found myself unable to do so and got pulled deeper and deeper into a proliferating delusion.
The delusion quickly became elaborate and I was quite lost in it. I thought this man and I were telepathically connected against both our wills. Gradually he morphed from a deranged Gnostic cult leader to a serial killer. That was when the paranoia was at its worst. I lived with this shadow who seemed to want to rape, torture and kill me for a couple of years. It was like not only being in an abusive relationship but totally living inside one with no escape. All day, all night, every day, every night. It was horrible. I had three psychotic breaks during this time and after the last one in December 2001, I began taking the anti-psychotic meds every day. At some point I stopped believing in the delusion and the paranoia faded away. I fell into a deep depression but got through it as my psychiatrist kept increasing the anti-psychotic meds. After that I avoided listening to the songwriter's music. Meanwhile he got divorced, he got remarried, his wife had a child and life went on. I was so grateful that I never did anything to interfere in this man's life.
But every now and then I fall into thinking about him again. I no longer see him as a serial killer which is such a relief but I can't help but wonder who this man really is and why I became so obsessed with him. This Monday I slipped and watched him on VH1 at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductions. I had a mixed reaction to him, moderate attraction to near indifference. I taped him giving his speech even so but then didn't look at it. I felt disturbed again and knew intellectually that I should avoid anything to do with this man, but emotionally I still felt this ambivalence. I went online and read an article about him. Then I stopped and reflected. Should I be doing this? The answer was still no.
Yesterday I talked with my therapist about it and told her that it felt almost like an addiction. Something I nearly felt I had to do but knew without a doubt that I shouldn't. My problem and my responsibility. Though the experience left me unsettled, it also showed me how far I had come that I could identify the problem and could resist getting embroiled in it. And lately I've been remembering my initial delusions and have been able to see more clearly than ever that they had no basis in reality. For years I wasn't able to do that, I really believed the delusions. So, while I'm not happy with the fact that I'm still mentally ill, I am happy with the other fact that I have the ability to get better through my own self-awareness and perseverance.
2 comments:
Hello wanderer62. I read through your account with interest. There are some differences between your experience and mine, as well as some similarities. The similarities (that I can see at this point) are related to your attaction to this man, as well as the "shadow figure" who tormented you. I also had two men in my life, one of whom I cared for very much, the other who terrified me. I found some insights for myself through understanding two important Jungian concepts -- the first is related to projection, the second to the role of the animus in a woman's life...
Animus: The inner masculine side of a woman. (See also anima, Eros, Logos and soul-image.)
Like the anima in a man, the animus is both a personal complex and an archetypal image.
Jung described four stages of animus development in a woman. He first appears in dreams and fantasy as the embodiment of physical power, an athlete, muscle man or thug. In the second stage, the animus provides her with initiative and the capacity for planned action. He is behind a woman's desire for independence and a career of her own. In the next [third] stage, the animus is the "word," often personified in dreams as a professor or clergyman. In the fourth stage, the animus is the incarnation of spiritual meaning. On this highest level, like the anima as Sophia, the animus mediates between a woman's conscious mind and the unconscious. In mythology this aspect of the animus appears as Hermes, messenger of the gods; in dreams he is a helpful guide.
Any of these aspects of the animus can be projected onto a man. As with the projected anima, this can lead to unrealistic expectations and acrimony in relationships.
Source: The Anima & The Animus
You may also find the following link to be helpful: Archetypes & The Individuation Process.
For the record, you may find it reassuring to know that I don't discourage people from seeking therapy or taking medication -- I think people should do what they find to be most helpful, for them. I agree that we are all different and what works for one individual may not work for another. However, I also encourage people to be discerning in choosing who they work with and I believe in informed consent when it comes to meds.
Anyway, I hope the above information might prove helpful to you. Should you wish to pursue it further, you may find the work of Marion Woodman or Clarissa Pinkola Estes to be helpful. Feel free to come back and peruse either of my blogs at any time.
Regards,
s_e
Hi Kate,
I like how you introduce yourself, as Kate and that you are a recovering schizophrenic. The word schizophrenia is a scary word for many folks but I don’t think it needs to be.
Your description of what you have gone through with your obsessions with this musician you write about and how this makes you feel is very useful in instructing me to think differently about my own daughter. You are giving me an education in how my daughter’s mind may be working. It is so interesting.
It’s wonderful you can be so open and honest about it and what I found so hopeful is that you are now able to recognize a delusion. When I say I found it hopeful I am also thinking of my daughter. You’ve given me this chance to understand her better. Kate you write with such clarity and sincerity. Maybe one day, my daughter will say she is recovering from her mental illness. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?
Ing
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