Here are a couple of gouache paintings I've done recently. The one on top is based on a photograph I got online at a free photograph site. I was looking for pictures of dancers and these colorful African dancers (and singers) came up. The other painting is of a photograph of J.P.'s doll Hayley. It's the second painting I've done of her doll. Neither are really an exact representation of the doll because to me they look like portraits of a real, live baby. That's part of what makes painting sometimes magical to me and I am fond of the portraits of Hayley. If you want to see it larger, click on the image.
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After I sent out my cd to a few friends, I began to feel a little stressed out about it, which is why I wrote the previous blog entry. Then I had a return of a few psychotic symptoms: the voices began calling me "evil" while I sang, I thought I was being spied on by the rock star again and I had some delusional thoughts about my music becoming popular at some point. I was also listening to my music way too much trying to imagine what each of my friends' reaction to it would be. During all this I was monitoring myself. Sometimes I pulled away from singing when I was called "evil" and other times I just kept on singing and said "No." to the voices. I gave myself little pep talks "No, no one is following you and no, your music is not that good and no, you are NOT evil!"
But don't get me wrong. I'm still glad that I made up the cd of my older songs and glad that I handed them out to a few people. It was impulsive, but I felt like I needed to do it and so I did. And I still want to pursue making songs, but I have to be willing, due to my illness, to step back from it when I need to and pursue other creative activities such as painting. So that's what I've been doing the last couple of days, taking a few steps back.
You know, not all stress is bad, some of it is about growing and that's what I think I've been doing. I still want to get constructive criticism on the songs that I've done, and I'm hoping a few of my friends will have the courage to be honest with me. I will continue working on new songs so that I can make a cd of recent work (which will be different due to my experience with mental illness) and then I will send that cd out too. And will I feel stress then, too? Yes, but that is natural and it will pass just as this stress is also passing away. Also, I may do some more growing in the next few months.
5 comments:
Dear Kate,
Wow, what a voice you have! That is my first comment on your CD. Which is the single most important thing I look for, that is to say, listen for in any CD I get: can this person sing? After that, it is the musicality of the songs, and there, well I am up to "Somewhere" so far and several of the melodies really grabbed me, Sorry, and Perseverance, Faithful Horse, Tom and Viv, and Influenced...to name only a few! But of course words are oh so important too, and there, well, frankly, Somewhere just blew me away. I thought, despite the fact that it was largely spoken, you performed it professionally, and the words were just wonderful...Also liked Sorry, and several others, though I have mostly listened to the gestalt of them this first round...I think if anything, my critique would add only that your um, not so expert guitar playing, if yours, weakens the CD (as you probably know all too well). Truly, IMHO, your lovely pitch perfect and true voice needs little enhancement, except for what your own taste in music requires.
As for the coarse language, didn't bother me an iota, found it rather refreshing...But maybe if I listen more carefully to the words, when I can play it loud enough to hear them all clearly, I will find them more shocking in context. I did love the "verboten words" in Influenced, though, very well done and a great song!
You should be proud of yourself, at least as far as I am concerned. I am sure the rest is just as good as the first half. You are a fine singer and songwriter. Nothing wrong with being proud of that...Now, then, next time they bother you, tell the voices not just that you are not evil, tell them that you are both GOOD and that you are also a damned good singer, and that you have a right to sing and paint and write and do whatever you damned well please because you have suffered enough, thank you, so go jump in a lake and leave you alone!
It is very hard to do that, I know, believe me I know. I have not yet gotten even to the point where I can tell myself I am not what they say I am. But I do know what YOU should do, and that you can do it. For me, the solution seems to have been to take enough meds to force them into silence, but that has its own drawbacks. For you, another way seems more desirable and even possible, So go for it, Kate, just keep pushing back against them!
And remember, you are wonderful, in my opinion, even though you are as human as the rest of us. We are ALL wonderful in our own ways.
Take care, and sorry to have gone on and on,
Pam (Wagblog and Schizophrenia: it's not the end)
Kate,
I absolutely love this picture of Hayley. I think it is better than the last one. The african picture is very good too.
Joe and Charlene came round last night and I put you cd on quitely. Peter wanted to put on a DVD and Joe complained saying he liked the music!
JP
Pam,
Thank you!! You've lifted my spirits all day and now into the evening, so I've been singing and feeling good about it. You've given me some hope that I can continue with it despite the on again-off again intrusion of the negative voices.
I am so glad that you respond to my voice and some of the lyrics I've written. And you are absolutely right about the guitar playing. I've been using the guitar in order to sing and work on songs, sort of an instant gratification process I'm afraid and I have not given it the attention it deserves. And I know it deserves attention especially for someone writing songs. I've managed to make songs knowing only a few chords and some basic rhythms, but there is a much larger musical world out there and I am very clueless about it right now. If I wasn't such a recluse, I would go out and seek people who can actually play their instruments. I've missed out on a lot because of mental illness and yet I've also been able to stay creative in one way or another, just as you have. It's so important for us all to have creative outlets. I am very grateful. Thanks again for listening and responding. If you are into it, I look forward to further criticism and insight. Many, many thanks Pam!!
Jeni,
That's great that you love this portrait of Hayley. I have had a lot of fun painting her portrait. Do you still want 3 paintings? I'm sorely tempted to keep the 1st one, but I think I will do one more for you. I will definitely give you this one.
You are a sweet heart for putting on my cd for your friends. Thank you! And thank Joe! You've lifted me up too.
My best to both of you,
Kate
I really like the second picture of Hayley and yes I really would love that one and no I have changed my mind about having three so will be happy just to have the second. Peter say's you are very clever.
J.P
Kate -
I got the CD! It was so exciting to open the package and then put it on and hear your beautiful voice and lyrics! I wrote an email to you more in depth. I just wanted to post here to say I got it and love it!
Nancy
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