I've become friends with a couple of people online who are both alcoholic and suffer from schizophrenia, both of them happen to be men, but could just as easily be women. The fact that they are men is of personal significance to me because until this past year all my online friends have been mostly straight women. Because I've lived with an alcoholic and also have used marijuana during my relationship and afterwards, my perspective on addiction and drug use is less ignorant and less critical than perhaps some of my friends online. I think most people who haven't been caught by the darker path of addiction don't have a clear view of the hell of being tied to an addictive substance (and I'm not referring to marijuana which I have found to be helpful and non addicting). Some of my friends do, however, have a clear idea of what it's like to be tied to mental illness. In some ways, I see psychotic mental illness as similarly addictive, whether one suffers from schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder or bi-polar disorder. For schizophrenia sufferers, it is a thought addiction. For schizoaffective sufferers, it is both a thought and mood addiction and for bi-polar sufferers it is mainly a mood addiction. We, the afflicted, keep returning to particular and often ego oriented thoughts and moods; we get stuck there for a time until we right ourselves through medication, therapy, support groups and the individual application of some mental health program in our lives. The way these things right us is through self-reflection, self-honesty and sharing our stories with others who have been through similar experiences. This applies not just to mental illness but to addiction.
I have a strong respect for addicts, especially those who try to face and conquer their addictions. I myself am a lesser addict because I still fall from time to time into cigarette addiction. Of course, when addicts are actively using they are caught like a fly in a spider's web, stuck, struggling. What frees them is sometimes hard circumstance (jail or hospital time) or some subtle yet powerful shift in perspective. I have found with smoking cigarettes that I got so sick and tired of being chained to a smoke that eventually I took steps to free myself, but that happened after years and years of blindly using. I did manage to make a break from my addiction, though I have had several temporary relapses. Relapse is part of the addiction cycle. If you're any kind of addict, I think you have to expect it. The main thing is to love yourself enough to stop the cycle as soon as you're able. Yes, I know there are those who quit and stay quit for decades and that's great for them, but for the rest of us there is a need for tolerance and compassion as we struggle up the stream. The all or nothing attitude of many 12 step type people is not as helpful as they think it is. What's key is having a stretch of sobriety and that's the hard part for many addicts because when you try to quit, you have to wish for it to be forever and that's a scary thought for anyone who is chemically dependent. So initially you aim very high and work very hard. That span of sobriety is such a relief when it comes; it shows that yes you can do it and your mind begins to clear and you begin to reflect on your life and get a better perspective.
I once met a man online 4 or 5 years ago who suffered from drug resistant schizophrenia and who was a recovering addict. He called himself "good soldier" because that's what it's like when you're fighting the good fight, hanging out in the trenches, occasionally finding yourself in an open space with sunlight on your shoulders. Mental illness is bad, but lay addiction on top of it and you really do have to be a kind of warrior: skilled, focused, tolerant and with a sense of humor. And there are a lot of these warriors out there on the streets each day. It's easy to call someone a drunk or a junky and sort of dismiss them as hopeless, but that's a viciously bad attitude, because the truth is the drunks and junkies who achieve sobriety (without stinking thinking) are like little heroes and heroines. They've got both heart, intelligence and courage and I think they need to hear that more from folks who are blessed enough not to be chemically addicted. I certainly count my blessings. I know if I were ensnared by alcohol, heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, etc... that I would be right down there in the pit with the best of them. And I can also empathize because I have been in the pit of acute mental illness. I've been to the other side; I've been to hell, but hell is not all there is, though when you're in it, it feels like it. I just think it's very important for those of us with mental illness to be respectful and protective of those of us with an even harder burden to bear, that of mental illness and physical addiction.
2 comments:
Hi Kate,
I had anorexia for many years, which is a type of addiction, so to some degree, I understand what it's like, but not totally, because I've never been an alcoholic or drug addict. The reason I never drink is that most of my immediate family members are alcoholics. In fact I just got off a phone call earlier with my dad who was totally drunk as usual for him, and that's one of the reasons he doesn't give a damn about what happens in his offspring's lives, because his life is ruled by alcohol. I feel sorry for him, but it's hard not to be hurt by his behavior which has been hurtful most of my life. I have two siblings who went through stings in AA and then they stopped going. I think of the two, the one who got in the most trouble for his drinking is perhaps still drinking, but I don't know for sure, so I would'nt say this to him. It is not really my business, except that I always end up being the one everyone goes to for "help" in my family when they need money or some kind of assistance like getting out of jail. My mom is someone who I am very proud of because she hasn't drank in 12 years, and for her AA really seems to help. But I am aware that AA is not a magic cure for every alcoholic, and I don't tell my siblings that they should be going to meetings, nor do I really believe it would necessarily be the answer for them both. I am proud of them for trying as hard as they can, when they can. In my sister's case, she has Bipolar Disorder, as does my mother, and so I can only imagine that it is extra hard to deal with alcholism on top of that. In my brother's case, he was told he might have a mental illness, but the details of what was said in the hospital to him about that were never made clear to anybody else. I do know that he has never gone through with getting psychiatric treatment, and he currently sleeps on a couch he's been sleeping on since last fall, because he doesn't have a full time job anymore, and I feel sorry for him because I see in him a lost, wandering soul like I was once, back when I was psychotic and undiagnosed. I fear for him that he is deeply troubled but doesn't tell anyone what is going on with him, and I hope on a regular basis that neither he nor my sister will commit suicide, because this has been a fear of mine for many years now.
It's hard to know how to react to another person's alcholism, and I do think that it is hard to do it "right" all the time. I found that Al-Anon was not something that seemed right for me, and I stopped going, though my mother always berates me for this fact, because I "should" be going to those meetings. I feel I have enough stress without worrying about one more thing I "should" have to do every week, and it's just too much to deal with that right now. Then again, perhaps it would help, I do not really know.
Thank you for bringing up this important topic. In Florida, where I live, the budget for mental health and also for addiction treatment has just been totally slashed, and people are concerned about both issues together as they go hand in hand.
Hey Kate,
I find it interesting that you think schizophrenia can be addictive. Some find psychosis a bad trip, and are mighty relieved to be on medication that stops it, but others like me felt more alive when they were psychotic, and find medication frustrating, as it make you seem to live not up to your true potential. Its hard to know what is so difficult about taking medication; whether it is the side-effects or the loss of psychosis.
For me, life had meaning when I was psychotic. True, some of the meanings were a lie. And I think my psychosis is linked to mania, which is very addictive. I have a friend who is bi-polar and she misses her mania very much. Again, her life seems to have little purpose medicated, but she just recently started a volunteer job that she's good at and that she really likes, so now her life has more purpose.
My husband had a drinking problem, but he denies it because he could stop drinking without any help. Its that old idea; if I can control it its not a problem. Also, he looks and sees no one else in his family with a drinking problem, so he thinks he can't have one. I missed him when he drank, he went into this happy dopey world and then fell asleep. I do think the pressure I put on him to stop drinking caused him to stop. But this only worked because he loved me. In return I gave up having diet soda's in the house, he thinks they are unhealthy for me. The reason he drank in the first place, his life was stressful, stopped when I helped him to live an organized, safe life with a close confidant and best friend. He also gave up smoking because I wouldn't allow it in the house and because his company put a "tax" on health plans of smokers, and he didn't want to pay the tax. Nowadays he's really proud that he stopped drinking and smoking, but if I died I bet he would go back to both - at least the drinking.
Mental health for some is fragile, like you say, you have to work at it as a program in order to enjoy it. I use therapy, my husband uses me. Its no shame to lean on somebody, I loved that old Hillary Clinton adage that it takes a village to raise a child. To be a happy adult for most it takes a web of influences and a circle of friends.
Glad you are my friend!
Love,
Karen
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