Today I was studying some of the more recent research at Schizophrenia.com about the causes of schizophrenia, but none of it, it turns out, is conclusive. Researchers tend now to see the illness from a biological and "environmental" perspective. Environmental means there are both psychological and social factors. The writer of the research article went on to offer many possible reasons for the development of schizophrenia from inherited defective genes to emotional neglect in childhood to illicit drug use to lack of vitamin D during pregnancy to growing up in the city to a common parasite gotten from handling cat feces to being born in the winter months, etcetera. In short, no one knows for sure. One thing that does seem somewhat clear, aside from having a history of mental illness in one's family, is that stress factors into it. Stress can trigger changes in the brain. Also, you may have the gene for schizophrenia, but if there are no environmental factors triggering it, it remains dormant. A gene has to be turned on in order for illness to manifest itself.
Those of us who developed schizophrenia most likely had not only a genetic predisposition, but multiple psychological and social factors as well. Children and youths are said to be five to ten times more sensitive generally than adults, which is why the formative years are so crucial to anyone's development. I wonder how many of us with the illness suffered from some sort of abuse when we were young. In my case, I believe I suffered from some emotional neglect from my parents, ironically because they were so focused on my older brother who from a young age had "emotional problems". My brother in turn argued that it was my parents who had the emotional problems and needed to go see a shrink more than he did. (My mother and I did in fact visit with my brother's therapist on several occasions which was something my mother deeply resented.) Personally, I think it is true that my parents, though very responsible financially and for covering our basic needs (particularly my mother), were not exactly parent material. My father was emotionally distant and my mother critical, cool and resentful (again) of having to take care of two children without much help. Her mother had told her early on that she would not be available to baby sit that often. I'm sure that hurt my mother and left her without a guiding resource to rely on. Growing up, I resented my mother more than my emotionally absent father, because I was around her more. It was only later after college, around the time I began hearing voices, that I began to sympathize with her as she graduated from taking care of her children to taking care of her mother and my father's mother as they began to age. Now, of course, years after my brother and I left home and my grandmother's had died, she is a much happier person.
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. I think they did the best they could, but I won't rule out the possibility that their behavior towards me when I was young contributed to me growing up dysfunctional. Once the dysfunction had set in, I myself continued the trend by behaving badly too, but by then I was an adult or rather an adult child because they continued to take care of me. The truth is there is no parenting manual and a lot of parents learn through trial and error...unless they fail to learn at all. I know some people cringe at the idea that a mother (or any major caretaker) should be held responsible for their child's development of schizophrenia or any major psychological illness, but it seems as if there may be at least a touch of truth to that assertion. It's not the whole truth because I believe genetics play a factor and are no one's fault. Still, behavior affects biology, just as stress affects brain chemistry. A human child is a wonderful, but delicate being and there needs to be a balance between physical care and mental/spiritual/emotional care. Also, mothers (and fathers who step up to their parenting responsibilities) need a support system, friends and family, even a therapist and more and more these days, qualified daycare professionals. Mothers in isolation are asking for trouble.
The area of schizophrenia that most practical scientists veer away from and ignore is the spiritual aspect of the illness, which of course necessarily intertwines with the psychological/social aspects. It is not surprising to me that much about the illness is unknown because the very nature of spirit is that it goes beyond common knowledge and into the unknown. I continue to assert that though biology probably sets the stage for schizophrenia, the voices themselves originate from someplace external to the individual. Some call them spirits or angels or devils or, in my case, aliens. Be they higher or lower powers because they are not tangible and visible, people assume that they don't exist. And tangibly they don't exist, at least not in this dimension, but that doesn't mean that there isn't a link between us and them nonetheless. It's more convenient to dismiss the idea and stick with scientific bias than to explore the other possibilities, however distant. I've interacted with my voices for a long time and it has been my assumption that they don't want to be revealed to the public for whatever reasons. And yet they do choose to reveal themselves at least in part to the mentally ill. That's a safeguard for them because the mentally ill have in the past and now not been taken seriously, though I believe that is changing the more the mentally ill, such as myself, speak up.
The question remains in my mind why these spirits/beings either create mental illness in individuals or take advantage of genetic/psychological/social tendencies towards the illness. It seems to come back to the miracle of biology, of life. I don't believe in human telepathy, but I do believe in alien telepathy. It's the stuff of science fiction I know, but once so was the idea of flying machines and computers. Recall once it was common knowledge that the world was flat and the sun revolved around the earth. It's the brave individual who can come forward to speak an unpopular truth. And really, who would want to consider what I say if it means that another non human life form can get inside our minds? That's a threatening thought for the most stable of persons. It no longer threatens me because I have established a compassionate relationship with these beings and I believe they are trying in some very challenging ways to help this world. God works in mysterious ways and so do these beings who I believe are guided by a higher power. I believe the whole universe and all the life in it is ultimately being guided. But for all my beliefs, I do not know what happens after death. Somehow I think these beings do know, but are either forbidden or unable to reveal it. I sit with the fact that I don't know and may never know, at least not in this lifetime.
4 comments:
Kate,
I respect your views. I myself don't think my voices are from aliens. I don't usually hear voices anymore. When I did, though, I thought they were from all kinds of different things, depending on the time period, but often I did believe it was supernatural. To me the reason I believed that, was much like hte reason I believed I was Jesus Chjrist, becaue so many things where happening to my senses that did not make any logical sense, I had no other exlanation for it all. Now, I never have the delusion that I'm somebody other than myself and when I do hear anything, it's what I call "double speak" and I think it's really more relevant to brain chemistry because since I've been on antipsychotics, it hasn't happened as much, and I haven't had any voices other than the occassional hearing my name called, in a long time. I did in the past think that the voices calling my name or whatever, were spirits, because I could not make much other sense of it, and that seemed to make sense. I don't believe that now, perhaps because I'm not having those experiences anymore.
Sometimes i think that people with Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder are more in-tune with things going on in the world, and that is why our brains are seeming to go haywire. But I can't discount the fact that medication, and therapy, got me a lot better, and I have a life now, which I didn't have before when I was psychotic. I am grateful for my life, and I woudln't want to go back to thinking the things i thought in the past.
I guess if medication never really worked for me, I would still think that I was hearing spirits or that I was Jesus. In some ways I think I am lucky. I never interacted with the voices - at least not most of the time. I do talk out loud to myself, but it's not like I say a question and then answer myself. It's just me talking out loud. I recently asked my therapist why she thinks I do that, and she said that it was something people sometimes do when they live alone and are not talking to others much. Just a thought, but I know you live alone, and I wonder if that relates to why you interact with the voices?
I do understand what you mean about parents. My parents were not cut out to be parents either. My mom was very verbally abusive to me, and sometimes violent. She later became and alcoholic and drug addict, and has now been in recovery for 12 years. My dad is cold, distant, and an alcoholic, who doesn't give a damn about me or two of my siblings at all, so far as I can tell. I do think that stress and parenting can play a role, in why someone gets a mental illness, though I do not blame my parents, as I think for the most part it is the brian chemistry that runs in my genes. My mother and my sister are both bipolar, and my brother is possibly as well. Anyway, thanks for the food for thought. I do tend to believe my illness is neurological, but I know other people might disagree. The brain is a tricky thing, and it is hard to understand your own brain's problems sometimes.
I have an uncle and an aunt who both suffer from forms of schizophrenia, the first severe, the second not so bad. My father was untouched, although, his childhood scarred him emotionally....... but he became a very successful professional. I was, as a child, traumatized by my father's out-of-control anger. Now, in his old age, I think my Dad has healed a lot, a part of that healing comes from leaving his high stress profession and during his retirement years becoming an artist. Art heals. I certainly don't blame my father for my illness, since it has such a strong genetic component, and because, as much of a monster as he was, I know my father deeply loved his children. I came from love, even twisted love, but it was there.............. I treasure what I got and don't criticize what wasn't perfect. I have a dog, not a child, but I don't love my dog perfectly either....... I do things I feel guilty about after ( she's in her puppy phase and often very naughty - playful but destructive). I'm imperfect. But I love my dog.
Yes, if I were raised by someone else the schizophrenia might not have started. But I can't escape the fact that my parents deeply loved me, and I feel protective of them. I know my therapist thinks my father is a lousy human being. I've heard therapists talk about other mentally ill persons and say "your parents shouldn't have had children". That always struck me as an odd thing to say, because there has to be some reverence to the source of our life, a sort of "thank you for making me exist" sentiment. I suppose if the illness causes deep pain, you may not wish to say thank you.
I don't care how much my parents may have contributed to me having this illness, because they also contributed to making me a sensitive, compassionate human being with curiosity and passion about the world, I've got more to be please with than to be dismayed about.
If life is priceless, then giving me life is priceless. I may be scarred, I may have some dysfunctional ideas left over from childhood, and I may have schizophrenia, but I don't blame anyone for the illness, its a part of me like my eyes are brown. Anyway, the past is over, and I don't wish to carry too much of it into the future with me. Better to learn how to appreciate the present.
All my love,
Karen
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