I think my mother is in the end stages of her life. Early in August she had a heart valve replacement operation. She survived the operation, but she awoke in a demented state. We have all speculated that she didn't get enough oxygen to her brain during the operation. Now, almost 5 months later, she stopped eating and continued to sleep a lot and so she has a feeding tube connected to her belly. It will be my father's decision whether to remove the tube or not within the next week or so.
As my uncle wrote to me a couple of weeks ago, it is a terrible irony that my mother, with her sharp, agile, knowledgeable mind, should end her life in a demented state. I feel empathy for her because I've been in that lost place during the acute stages of schizophrenia. It's a place where you cannot connect with others and where you are just getting by. It's a place of isolation within the confines of insanity. And so, I cannot reach her and she cannot reach me.
I'm relying on the faith that I've nurtured over the years that each of our lives are witnessed from beginning to end and beyond by higher forces. Not just witnessed but guided and comforted when we reach out in our pain and confusion. My mother is not alone. And when she does let go of this life, I will hold on to her spirit within my spirit. She helped so much to define me with her intelligent honesty, her humor and her kindness.
Here are two songs I wrote for her:
Go With The Flow Mother
Go with the flow
Mother, Mother
Leave the misery
Behind you;
Let go of the shell
That confined you.
The times of sorrow
Will come,
But turn your face
Towards the sun,
Go with the flow
Mother
Mother, sweet Mother
Has your time come?
Mother, sweet Mother
Are you going to move on
Without me?
Go with the flow
Mother, Mother
Don’t resist your ending
Walk into your new beginning.
The times of sorrow
Have come,
Now turn your face
Towards the sun,
Go with the flow
Mother
Go with the flow
Mother
Go with the flow.
Passage
Where are you now?
Lost in a place
Where I cannot follow you
You know I’ve been there, too
In a place where
Angels fear to tread
But I know they do
They did for me and now you.
Hold on to your spirit Mother
Make the passage quick to the other side
When you get there, watch over me;
I will remember you with so much pride.
Songs For Mom
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