A Recovery Blog

This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness. I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write, by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist ideas and concepts. I claim that the yin/yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense, method and even a kind of balance. We are more resilient than we think. We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale. A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest, when we reach out for help, when we tell our stories.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

And Life Goes On

It's been almost two years since I started this blog and I only just now figured out how to have a full comment page where you can see the whole post that you're responding to, if you want to. I wish I were more computer savvy. I should really take an online class. Not knowing anyone really limits my ability to learn new things about the computer. Now, there's a whole generation of kids and young adults who have grown up with it, have learned it and taught it to each other (and probably to their parents, too). I should spend more time learning, instead of just using.

I spent a full two hours trying to resist the temptation to buy a pack of cigarettes and wound up going out and buying it. Ironically, after I came home, I went online to the Freedom From Smoking message boards and began working the program. I left several comments and started to feel more positive about my ability to quit again. Part of it is just saying aloud repeatedly--"I can quit smoking." That sounds sort of silly, but it's not. In fact, it's a relief to say it and a prayer at the same time. I must just keep trying each day, each night to prepare for my quit date in about two weeks. I also find going online and supporting others in their quit really helps too. J.P. if you are serious about quitting, definitely find several online groups to join. There are quite a few of them out there now that there's an international push to help people stop smoking. Just remember, the more times you try to quit, the closer you'll come to actually quitting. I'm starting to believe this again.

While I was trying to distract myself from buying cigarettes, I started a drawing of a young girl's face close up which I will turn into a watercolor painting. I'm thinking of doing a demonstration on this blog of the basic stages I go through when making a painting by taking a photograph at each stage and then posting them here. I saw another artist do that in her blog a little while back and thought it was cool. It all depends on whether I can pull it off though. Not all my watercolors come out. I have a pile of unsuccessful watercolor paintings. I've read that you shouldn't throw them out, but instead should soak them in water to wash out the paint, let the paper completely dry and then start a new painting.

Meant to clean the house or at least start on it this week-end, but didn't do a thing. It's long since gotten way out of hand. I learned tonight that Nancy is going to hire a cleaning woman to help her. Nancy works full time and needs more time to dedicate to her art. I don't work, except at painting, but the combination of the schizophrenia and recurring depression really hampers me. I've gotten a bit better about washing my body and cleaning my teeth, but that's about it. I used to enjoy bouts of cleaning. No more. Now I let things get dirtier and dirtier and I allow no one, except occasionally my brother, into my house. And that's a problem because sometimes people need to come into my house to fix things. Right now I have no satellite television reception and I haven't for months. I need someone to fix it and I've been putting off calling to have it fixed even though I'm paying for it each month. Really, I should have someone come and clean my house once or twice a month, but I don't have the money and I'm mortified by the state of my house. I keep hoping I'll change and get better.
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