It's been almost two years since I started this blog and I only just now figured out how to have a full comment page where you can see the whole post that you're responding to, if you want to. I wish I were more computer savvy. I should really take an online class. Not knowing anyone really limits my ability to learn new things about the computer. Now, there's a whole generation of kids and young adults who have grown up with it, have learned it and taught it to each other (and probably to their parents, too). I should spend more time learning, instead of just using.
I spent a full two hours trying to resist the temptation to buy a pack of cigarettes and wound up going out and buying it. Ironically, after I came home, I went online to the Freedom From Smoking message boards and began working the program. I left several comments and started to feel more positive about my ability to quit again. Part of it is just saying aloud repeatedly--"I can quit smoking." That sounds sort of silly, but it's not. In fact, it's a relief to say it and a prayer at the same time. I must just keep trying each day, each night to prepare for my quit date in about two weeks. I also find going online and supporting others in their quit really helps too. J.P. if you are serious about quitting, definitely find several online groups to join. There are quite a few of them out there now that there's an international push to help people stop smoking. Just remember, the more times you try to quit, the closer you'll come to actually quitting. I'm starting to believe this again.
While I was trying to distract myself from buying cigarettes, I started a drawing of a young girl's face close up which I will turn into a watercolor painting. I'm thinking of doing a demonstration on this blog of the basic stages I go through when making a painting by taking a photograph at each stage and then posting them here. I saw another artist do that in her blog a little while back and thought it was cool. It all depends on whether I can pull it off though. Not all my watercolors come out. I have a pile of unsuccessful watercolor paintings. I've read that you shouldn't throw them out, but instead should soak them in water to wash out the paint, let the paper completely dry and then start a new painting.
Meant to clean the house or at least start on it this week-end, but didn't do a thing. It's long since gotten way out of hand. I learned tonight that Nancy is going to hire a cleaning woman to help her. Nancy works full time and needs more time to dedicate to her art. I don't work, except at painting, but the combination of the schizophrenia and recurring depression really hampers me. I've gotten a bit better about washing my body and cleaning my teeth, but that's about it. I used to enjoy bouts of cleaning. No more. Now I let things get dirtier and dirtier and I allow no one, except occasionally my brother, into my house. And that's a problem because sometimes people need to come into my house to fix things. Right now I have no satellite television reception and I haven't for months. I need someone to fix it and I've been putting off calling to have it fixed even though I'm paying for it each month. Really, I should have someone come and clean my house once or twice a month, but I don't have the money and I'm mortified by the state of my house. I keep hoping I'll change and get better.
4 comments:
Hi Kate.
That sounds like a good idea that you may do a step by step article of painting.
The cleaning part I really do understand. I used to forse myself to do an hour house work a day when not working and when working blitz the flat once a week but now all I can do is the dishes. I find it such hard work now. Hardest part is not really pysical but the mental part. Thank goodness I still bath once a day but do neglect my teeth this was never a problem while I worked. It used to be part of my routine. It's always all or nothing with me which is why I burn out but now my problem is getting started. To tell you the truth I do not really see purpose in anything.
I am serious in giving up but bearing in mind most serious attempts have led me to enter pyschosis. This I am not prepared for but the thought is there.
To tell you the truth I have nothing and it's smoking that has caused me to have nothing and all I am left with are damn cigarettes. I would like to be more healthy for oppurtunities that my come my way and the first step is to quit smoking.
J.p
Kate,
Please do not be hard on yourself. Anonymous, you too. Most people hide their insecurities and though it is refreshing to hear your honesty - please allow yourself to be very loving and kind. When I would fall into clinical depressions I was told that I was beating myself up and I didn't understand it. I think it is important to look at our abilities and not put so much on our problems. I don't mean to deny or ignore them...just accept this is where I am at and nurture and give yourself encouragement! You deserve to have peace.
Nancy
Kate,
I have been so happy to get to know you through your blog and mine, and the thoughtful comments you leave there. It is funny, because I didn't realize at first how much we had in common. I just wrote a post about cleaning my apartment, then I came here and read your post regarding having a messy place (which is exactly what I wrote about in my post a few minutes ago), and being afraid to let people in because of the mess.
I have not let anyone but my caseworker into my apartment - and one time, my mother - for many months. I don't let the pest control person in, because of the mess, and the fact the mess is so bad I could be evicted for it and would have nowhere to go. When the landlords came by to show off the building to some people (I have no idea who these people were), one day a few months ago, I just told them I was sick and they could not come in.
My caseworker does not work for the same agency that owns my apartment, therefore, she does not have to report to them the state of disaster she sees when she comes in. Nevertheless I've been afraid she would report me anyway, and I avoided letting her in for a few months. Finally she said, "I HAVE to do to a home visit", and she promised me she wouldn't say anything about the mess. So I let her in. But it was really embarassing.
I also have a sink in my bathroom that has been stopped up and not able to be used for months. But I cannot let the maintenance people in because of the mess, so I never called them. So I stopped using the sink and started brushing my teeth with the bathtub faucet.
My switch for my air conditioner has been broken for months also, but I could not call them about that, so I started just unplugging the entire unit from the wall whenever I want to turn it off, and leaving it on full blast (since it cannot be put on any lower settings without the swtich), when I want it to be on, which has raised my electric bill.
All of this led to me having a hallucination the other day that people had come to my apartment to evict me. Finally, that day (two days ago), I started cleaning. I started, and it took 15 bags of garbage just to do that "start". Many of them were bags that had been sitting around for a couple months waiting to be taken to the dumpster.
I'm telling you all this, despite the fact it's rather humiliating, because I don't want you to think you're alone in this situation. Also it helps me to know that others like yourself understand where I am coming from, and I'm not the only one. Personally, I am convinced the Schizophrenia is directly related to my difficulty with organizing and cleaning, and my tendency to become overwhelmed by anxiety at the mere thought of attempting to clean up the enormous mess in which I live. I don't think I would have this problem if I did not have that illness.
I stopped doing the dishes months ago, so I know have this really gross situation to face in my kitchen, and a need for all new dishes, since I've been using paper bowls and plates. I know how ridiculous this would sound to most people. I know that it is not "normal", whatever "normal" is. But I also know, this is part of my illness, and I just have to deal with the best I can. For me that means taking a little bit of the mess at a time and trying to work on it now. But for a long time, I could not even do that at all. So I definitely, thoroughly understand what you are dealing with regarding this problem.
I used to go to a local NAMI support group meeting, and among the group there were about three people who would talk frequently about the messes in their homes and their problems with hoarding stuff, and not being able to deal with cleaning. I imagine a lot of people go through this, but they're ashamed to talk about it. I imagine it is a more common problem, than we realize. I'm glad you have discussed it here, because this will help raise the understanding of others.
Take care!
Jen
Very cool design! Useful information. Go on!
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