A Recovery Blog

This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness. I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write, by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist ideas and concepts. I claim that the yin/yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense, method and even a kind of balance. We are more resilient than we think. We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale. A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest, when we reach out for help, when we tell our stories.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The Night Before New Years

December 30th, 2015 Wednesday 5:35pm

I threw away the bag of tobacco today along with some filters, two ashcans and two plastic cigarette holders. I bought 3 packs of American Spirit non additive cigarettes and have some loose tobacco left to hold me till midnight on Friday. I’ll probably have extra which I will destroy one way or another. I got my Quitting Smoking For Dummies book a little while ago and I just downloaded a quit smoking visual meditation and affirmations meditation. I have been posting on the QuitNet site telling some of my story and supporting others. Last night I made a mind map using my computer of all the actions I can take to stay quit.

I’m a bit anxious about doing this, but I will do it nonetheless. I’ve told several people about it, including my brother, and that’s always a good sign. Two more days to prepare and then I dive in. The QuitNet site is interesting. I went there years ago, but they changed it dramatically early this year. Now it’s streamlined. There’s ongoing postings 24/7, people sharing and supporting each other. I can tune in any time I like and usually get support. And the people, who come from all over, share all kinds of stories, not just about quitting smoking, but personal details of their daily life, successes and struggles. The only things I don’t like is that one, some people use scare tactics to encourage people to commit to quitting and I don’t need that negativity and two, it is not politically correct by some members to use e-cigs which I will be using. But those are minor things and I can detach from those people whose message I don’t respond to.

So it will be New Years Eve for me this time tomorrow and I will be home alone same as a bunch of other people. I’m not planning anything special, just want a quiet, uneventful night. I will be reading my quitting smoking book. That will focus me and help me to psychologically detach from my addictive compulsion. I will be relieved the night after tomorrow when I finally quit and start the day fresh on Saturday morning. Quitting smoking is a big opportunity to change myself on multiple levels towards being more and more healthy as the year progresses.

I’ve been uncomfortable this holiday season with my parents both gone and my brother away in Florida. Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas. No snow, though to tell you the truth I was relieved that there wasn’t any. And no family, but still a good therapist and a dear childhood friend to turn to and of course my household of cats. My home is still a dirty, cluttered mess but it is dear to me and I’m so grateful to have this home. Plus, my childhood friend agreed to visit me for a week at the end of January, which will motivate me to do a major cleaning and that, on top of quitting cigarettes, will give me a big surge of accomplishment which will boost up my self-esteem. I just have to keep the attitude in the front of my mind that I can do this.

Next week’s challenge, besides not smoking, will be to get the heat turned on in the studio. My two electric ceramic heaters just didn’t heat the space and I can’t work and do yoga and dance in a cold space. I’ve been dragging my heels about committing to that space, partially because of the holidays and the onset of winter, my weakest season, where part of me just wants to stay indoors and hibernate. Yesterday I began feeding the birds, late this year because we’ve had a lot of warm weather here. The warmer weather has allowed me to be around a few people more. I had no excuse to stay inside. Still, mostly I do stay inside, but I keep myself occupied with creative thinking and some creative doing.

So on this night before New Years Eve I wish you all a safe and happy entry into the new year. The beginning of the year is a good time to make positive changes and I wish that for you, too, positive changes towards health, peace, balance and harmony. Happy New Year everyone!

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