A Recovery Blog
This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness. I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write, by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist ideas and concepts. I claim that the yin/yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense, method and even a kind of balance. We are more resilient than we think. We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale. A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest, when we reach out for help, when we tell our stories.
Monday, February 6, 2017
So I'm in the midst of one of those down spells. I had to postpone a talk with one of my friends last night because I had been sleeping all day and still felt depressed when I woke up. Sometimes that doesn't happen and I wake up energized and ready to do something with my time. This time I just wanted to go back to sleep again. So what's the problem? Really there is no major problem because I have so much, but I know that I'm not doing enough for myself or anyone else. It's Winter. Way too many grey days and not enough desire to get outside. I bought a light box to treat some of the depression. I haven't been using it enough. And I find, when I'm down like this, that I sabotage myself. Music could lift my spirits, so I don't play anything and listen. Watching a film could also engage me and lift me up, so I don't do it.
What would I call this? Ego. More specifically the unbalancing nature to ego, either I'm too big (delusions of grandeur) or I'm too small (an unworthy human being). So right now I see myself as unworthy and I've gone down this path before. I went down this path when I first entered into psychosis 18 years ago. So I consulted the I Ching several days ago asking generally what was going on and the response, according to one interpretation, was that I was isolating myself too much and being selfish. Unfortunately, this just fed my sickness and made me feel a bit more ill. It did make me wonder what I could do to be helpful to others. The answer? Volunteer. But I know myself well enough that I wouldn't go out and do that because I am afraid of people but maybe, I thought, I could do volunteer work from home to start with to build up my confidence.
I found several sites that help people connect with volunteer opportunities. The one that I settled down to work with is called Helpfromhome.org. For a couple of days I went through various lists of opportunities and made my own list of the work that I responded to. Then I explored the different websites for each opportunity. Several of the opportunities involved sending cards or better yet making cards and sending them to people, children and adults, who were ill or lonely and depressed. I found an address for one 7 year old girl in England who has been living with a terrible skin condition since birth. Her story helped to put my story into a better perspective.
I took a friend out to lunch on Saturday and then we went for a walk with his dog. Cold and windy, but sunny. I felt invigorated by the walk and went home happy. Grey day the next day, yesterday, when I slept all day. I'm writing here to try and get back on track. I gathered up a bunch of art supplies and ordered some Strathmore 5" x 7" cards with envelopes to decorate and send. It will get me back into doing art work and maybe help to lift a few people's spirits. It is back to - "Don't give up. Keep going." That's what I need to do. Keep it simple. Keep it small.
I've been quit from cigarettes for over a month and have no desire to return to them. It's a little miracle for me. I've been taking the diabetes medication faithfully for over a month, too. My little toes still hurt when I get up from sleeping so I had the meds increased last week. I have to wait and see. I'm eating right and exercising despite the depression. I'm doing some things well in my life. I have to try to not let myself get in the way of progress. I have been seeing how judgmental I get with myself. Self denigration will get me nowhere.
I've said to my voices (which have been much quieter lately) that they need to believe in an unconditionally loving Higher Power, well so do I need to believe this. It's been obvious to me that those who recover from various addictions believe this wholeheartedly. They believe that this Power loves and supports them regardless of what they have or haven't done, supports them every moment, just as they are. I need to believe this, too.