Geometric Landscape

Acrylic, gel & pencil - 8" x 10" on paper

I got a slow start today and didn't get to painting until a little while ago.  I was looking at more Diebenkorn paintings.  I didn't play around with other materials.  I want to sit with this style for a bit. Working with the acrylic and the gel gloss and focusing on dynamic colors, this painting makes me think of stained glass, a painterly version of it.  I like that some edges are clean and others are not.  It helps give the image a sense of movement along with the diagonal lines.

Art Process

Acrylic, Gloss & Pencil on paper, 8" x 10"

I stopped painting last March.  I stopped blogging.  I did quit smoking cigarettes from the first of January till the end of July last year.  Now I'm stuck with it for now.  I've been stuck lately with other things.  My sponsor told me that I needed to let my inner child play.  So I turned to art books and postcards.  I picked out a postcard with a photo of a Richard Diebenkorn painting called Ocean Park (Number 30).  Then I looked for and found a book called The Art of Richard Diebenkorn, a book given to me by my mother years ago (along with many, many other great books she chose for me).  I looked through the book for inspiration and insight and decided to base a simple painting on a few of the elements from the postcard.  This is my first attempt.  Here's Diebenkorn's image:

Richard Diebenkorn, Ocean Park (Number 30)

Diebenkorn has precise lines; I do not.  I'm not patient enough.  Diebenkorn used oils and painted large; I did not.  Diebenkorn worked on subtle surface variations.  I followed a little bit enjoying the brushstrokes on the paper using my Dollar Store acrylics, but my brushstrokes were primarily vertical and horizontal and hence not as vital.  I initially made some color choices based on Diebenkorn's image but soon strayed away.  The orange, pink and red are strong on the left side of my painting whereas Diebenkorn's salmon pink has a quieter vibrance.  

I think I will keep going with this painting, add more lines, vary the brushstrokes, maybe paint lighter tones over darker ones.  I might try a series of these and vary the approach after the initial shapes, colors and values have been set up.  I have stamps, patterned tape, watercolor pencils, various gels, collage pieces - a bunch of stuff to play around with.  

My play has a serious edge to it.  I think the child in me likes to study.  I have to remember to take breaks the way I do when I'm studying my support books.  Walk away to look again from a different place in time, in different light.  

Keeping Focused

"Don't be swayed by external circumstances."
                          Tibetan Lojong Slogan #50


Because I have a psychotic disorder that includes voices, I have "external circumstances" inside of my mind.  There is me, what feels like me inside, and then close by there are the voices, and I interact with the voices and can be influenced by them.  It is like living with someone with several personality parts I cannot fully detach from.  I have become accustomed to having no privacy with them and in many ways we are friends, so the lack of privacy is not so damaging.  But we are both mentally ill and sometimes his illness threatens to unbalance me mentally and emotionally.

I am learning to identify what boundaries I need to set with him.  I am learning to use affirmations to tell myself that it is okay to love and take care of myself, that it is okay to trust myself.  I can identify when he is uncomfortable.  He becomes reactive and defensive.  If he is trying to label and judge me, sometimes I become reactive and defensive.  That's what happened last night.  Yet my anger is okay.  It lets me know that my boundaries have been crossed and that I am hurting.  And when I express the anger to him, it lets him know that I am not accepting his label and judgment.

So I was swayed by external circumstances and need to be temporarily to learn the lesson that I must work to stay focused on my recovery, which is my spiritual path.  This Lojong slogan gives me permission to detach with kindness in order to continue the work of defining myself to myself in order to grow.

Willingness

"We inventory ourselves, we meditate, and we help others.  We acknowledge our own behavior.  We ask God, as we understand God, to continue providing us with willingness to love ourselves."
                                             Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families
                                                         Chapter 8, p 308-309


I strive to be honest, to be open and to be willing to be guided each day.  People who have trouble loving themselves have trouble even talking about the idea of loving themselves.  It's too emotional, feels too vulnerable.  I have felt that way.  Now I tell myself regularly that I love and respect myself.  It is an essential part of how I face the days and nights.  I still have some addictive patterns that try to sabotage my self love, but I am learning to identify those patterns and counter them with establishing healthy patterns.  This requires willingness.

Change

"I have an innate ability to heal and to grow.  I don't need to force myself to change.  All I have to do is to show up and be willing.  When I am ready, the changes will come easily."
                                                                            Courage To Change, October 24


My way, in my sickness, is to force change, to go too quickly.  I am learning that so much of healing comes from relaxing.  A lot of the 12 Step slogans are about this:  "Easy does it.", "Let Go And Let God.", "Live and Let Live.", "One Day At A Time."  So I show up for my life and stay open, willing to learn and honest in my approach.  I allow time to just be, to listen and look for moments of insight and intuition.  I know that can't be forced.  Change comes whether I force it or not; now I put the focus on how change comes to me.  I seek peace in my life and instead of resisting the flow of life, I go with it.  I train myself to go with it every time I relax.

Guilt And Shame

"Guilt helps us know when we've acted badly; shame tells us we are bad.  Guilt gives us a way back to our selves through making amends; shame leaves us hopeless.  To give in to shame and self-hatred only harms us and intensifies the power of the addiction.  There is a better way, and that's to learn to love ourselves."    
                                                                                       Answers In The Heart, April 24

"Hatred does not cease through hatred at any time.  Hatred ceases through love.  This is an unalterable law."
                                                                                      Buddha, The Dhammapada

Shame can mark you for life if you let it.  There are two directions - you can move towards self-love or away from self-love.  Self-love means loving yourself.  It is not selfishness to love yourself.  Love is not selfish in its very nature.

Neural Pathways

"Talk and self-help therapies that effectively change a person's thoughts and behaviors, such as working a Twelve Step program, can heal the brain in observable, predictable ways, guiding it through a process of physical restructuring.  This process appears to build and deepen new neural pathways, which in turn create new patterns of thinking and acting."
                                                    A Gentle Path Through The Twelve Steps, Patrick Carnes, p. 8

Detachment

"Detachment means we care, about ourselves and others.  It frees us to make the best possible decisions.  It enables us to set the boundaries we need to set with people.  It allows us to have our feelings, to stop reacting and initiate a positive course of action.  It encourages others to do the same. It allows our Higher Power to step in and work."
                                                                              Language Of Letting Go, August 21


 I love my brother and I worry about him.  He was harder hit by my mother's death than I was.  He has not been taking care of himself and the problems in his life have been increasing.  His friends are worried about him too.  When he has a problem in his life, he texts me about it.  Immediately I want to solve his problem, but I know that would only be taking away an opportunity for him to solve his own problems.  I have helped him, but I have to be careful not to do too much.  So I have been detaching with love from him.  It is my way of respecting his right to make his own decisions.  It also prevents me from engaging in my own addiction to codependence.  It gives me time to work through my own process.  I am not my brother's mother and he is not a child.  The more he is left to find his own solutions, the more confidence he builds in his abilities to take care of himself.  I have to remind myself that my brother has his connection to the Higher Power just as I do.  He is not alone.

Checking In

"I try to check in with myself on a regular basis.  Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?  If so, I can make a point of stopping what I am doing long enough to attend to my needs."
                                                                       Courage To Change, January 21


Checking in with myself repeatedly during the day and night is all about self-care which is all about self love.  I deeply believe that the Higher Power's will for the human species is that we love and take care of ourselves first, top priority.  Our most intimate relationship needs to be with ourselves.  We are the only ones who have been with ourselves since before birth till now and till we die and beyond.  Believing in a benevolent Higher Power and working with that Power and with others also in recovery makes us bond with ourselves with more and more conviction.  When we set a boundary with other people telling them clearly what is and is not okay, we stand up for ourselves.  We become our own best friend.

Self-Acceptance

"Stop trying so hard to do better, be better, be more.  Who we are and the way we do things is good enough for today.  Who we were and the way we did things yesterday was good enough for that day.  Ease up on ourselves.  Let go.  Stop trying so hard."
                                                                    Language Of Letting Go, July 27


Over and over I have read in support books that it is essential to accept myself as I am.  That is the starting point for healing.  I have also just read in the Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families big book that adult children are extremely hard on themselves.  Adult children internalize the Inner Critical Parent.  The way to heal that part of the self is to cultivate an Inner Loving Parent.  ACA suggests incorporating spoken affirmations into one's daily practice.  It helps me to say to myself "Who I am is good enough for today."  It helps me to say to myself "I am doing the best I can."