Twelve Step Telephone Meetings

Twelve Step telephone meetings are a lifeline for me, an opportunity to listen and learn and sometimes to share and do service work.  Lately I have been struggling to get myself to share my story and/or current situation.  My social and emotional anorexia block me.  Last week I did get up the courage to share for about three minutes on a women's meeting for Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous.  I shared that I had been in a domestic violence/love addicted relationship.  I shared that I suffered from schizoaffective disorder.  I had a desire to be transparent and direct and so I was, but then I have not shared again yet.

My next challenge is to take one or more of the numbers I've written down of women willing to connect and be recovery partners and text or call.  When I turn away from that challenge, I am thinking to myself that I'm not good enough to offer friendship to someone new.  I self stigmatize myself as mentally ill.  I am mentally ill but I need to be proud of how far I've come and how sincerely I want to recover my sanity.  I do have a lot of faith that sanity/health is possible for me and those who seek it.  But faith needs the footwork and too often I find myself lying down, too much in my head and not enough in my heart.

Right from the beginning of entering into acute psychosis in the spring of 1998 there was a desire in me to connect with others, to make friendships, to take on more responsibility.  But desire led to delusions.  Delusions led to reaching out in sickness and desperation.  There was the threat of Hell if I didn't, but only after I had visited a Hell on the kitchen floor of my ex-boyfriend's apartment.  I had had an idealistic vision of joining some kind of artistic group filled with possibly higher purposes.  My delusions showed me a sick group, a group I did not want to join.  But reality did come through when I went to see a therapist and committed to Al-Anon and a domestic violence support group.  These were real people with real struggles trying to get and give help.  For a time, I joined them.

The people I'm listening to on the telephone lines are also real people with real struggles and also real successes.  It is hard to be vulnerable, open and direct, but over and over that's what I hear in these telemeetings.  A lot of the meetings have been getting hacked with people breaking into the calls and often saying or implying obscene things, or just making noise, or even adding reverb to whomever is speaking making it very hard to concentrate.  One morning I was on an open Sex Addicts Anonymous telephone meeting for the study of AA's Big Book and it was being hacked.  We happened to be reading this paragraph:  "We realized the the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.  Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick, too.  We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.  When a person offended we said to ourselves, 'This is a sick man.  How can I be helpful to him?  God save me from being angry.  Thy will be done.'" (pp 66-67 - The AA Study Edition)

By the end of that meeting it was clear that everyone on the line was practicing faith and tolerance and it felt good.  I felt respect for those who read and shared on that phone call, but I feel respect just generally for anyone trying to seek help for themselves.  Still, it's not enough to feel respect, I need to show respect for others by taking my seat and sharing, too.

Working Step One - Powerlessness & Unmanageability

This is how I have been rewording the First Step of the Twelve Steps to fit myself and my situation:  "We admitted we were powerless over social and emotional anorexia and poor self-care, that our lives had become unmanageable."

I have been working on Step One for over 6 months since I asked a friend to become my sponsor.  I've gone from support book to support book with my sponsor trying to move through the step and I have been getting repeatedly stuck.  I'm only realizing that what I've been coming up against is my own self-will.  Where there's self-will, there is no surrender and this step is about surrendering to the truth, becoming vulnerable.

My addictive pattern is one of avoidance.  Even as I do my best to confront the truth about myself or, at least, make a dent in my denial system here, I am still avoiding other responsibilities, such as - cleaning my home, paying my bills, washing my clothes, cooking, exercising, going out of the house, calling someone in recovery, calling anyone.  What I do here in reflecting and communicating is good and useful, but it is not enough.

I embraced Al-Anon years ago because I was living with an alcoholic who was abusive to me.  Through reading their daily readers, I began learning the Twelve Steps, the slogans and the concepts of the group.  I began to believe in something greater than myself.  I reached out for a Higher Power.  Eventually, I went to some meetings.  I got a lot out of those meetings, both comfort and insight.  But I did not stay and would return sporadically over the years.  I did not call people from the meetings and most of the time, most of my life, I stayed in isolation from others.

I began calling myself an adult child decades ago and I continue to be one.  I began an addictive pattern of self isolation decades ago and I continue to practice it.  My ability to care for my physical needs and home declined rapidly after I went into psychosis in 1998 and I continue with that addictive pattern today.  Intellectually I see the pattern, but without connection to my heart I don't really learn the lesson; I don't change.

Not changing and not only seeing it, but feeling it and labeling it "Addiction" is me moving towards the temporary completion of Step One.  (I believe the the Steps are meant to be repeated throughout one's life as a process of deepening one's understanding, highlighting insight and facilitating intuition from the Higher Power.)  I'm yearning to move on to Step Two - "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."  The truth is that I need to sit in awareness a bit longer.  I need to own the powerlessness and unmanageability of my life.

I need to do more Step work; I need to write it out and look at it, read it and review it.  I need to brand it into my mind, heart and spirit.

"It is okay to know who I am."
                Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families - Affirmation #1


I'm a process in a body.  Who I am has been in flux since before I was born.  I have no concrete self, no set "I".  I am changing every moment.  Change can cause release; it can also cause anxiety.  But I do have rhythms and patterns flowing through me.  Rhythms and patterns that began in infancy and have continued, some getting stronger, others getting weaker or alternating again.  I give myself permission to look at my patterns, to review my journey.  Giving myself permission to look and increase awareness is not the same as doing it.  I also need the permission of the Higher Powers to reveal to me what I need to know at the right time.

I say I want to retrieve my childhood memories, but when I open to the exploration, I get pulled into strong feelings and react by pushing the tendrils of memories away.  Seeking to be more aware and to remember my past does not mean I won't feel discomfort.  Too much discomfort might mean that it is not yet time to remember, that I am not emotionally ready.  I need to pay attention to how I am feeling as much as I can.  This leads to intuition and to guidance from something known yet unknown, the mysterious, yet ever present, Higher Powers.

African Woman - Side Profile

Side Profile Drawing

This was done with a 3H pencil on hot press watercolor paper 140lb 8x8".  It's an attempt at doing a portrait of Barbara Striesand, but it doesn't quite work for me.  The nose and lips are a bit off.  Still, I enjoyed drawing it and I like the profile.  I've been considering specializing in side profile drawings and paintings for some of my work time.  It's been about two months since I got back into visual arts. A lot of times I get into a creative streak but it usually only lasts for a couple of months.  This time feels different.  Part of what is holding me to it is that I need to earn income.  I tried to earn income nine or ten years ago and didn't sell much, but then I didn't promote and market myself enough either.    This time I'm trying to be business oriented, so I've been doing the research online and thinking about what I would like to sell.  I've just begun to use index cards to keep track of business/marketing ideas and art process ideas.  I realized that I had been doing several portraits in profile and I thought maybe that would be a good angle, a specialty that could identify me to potential collectors.

Shakes, Bodhi & Shanti

Art Process

This is an 8"x8" drawing that I did on clay board of a very dear friend's daughters.  My plan was to try out some Sennelier egg tempera paints to do this portrait.  It's been sitting on my drawing table against the wall for about a week.  I painted a self-portrait in egg tempera about twenty years ago.  Here it is:

This portrait was done just before I entered into psychosis in 1998.  I was in art school at the time and, though I wasn't psychotic yet, I was still struggling.  I liked working with the egg tempera that I concocted at home with dry pigments, water and egg yolk.  I think I mixed some watercolor into the yolk, but I'm not sure.  I gave the portrait to my parents.  I don't think my mother liked it too much, but I gave it anyway.  

So here I am about to try another portrait and I'm lacking in confidence.  Intellectually I know it is foolish to be afraid to begin painting a portrait.  And in my heart I know that what I respond to is the process.  I also like documenting the process and seeing the stages the work goes through.  So I know I want to do this portrait of my friend's daughters and I don't want to give up on it.  I just got some 140 lb hot pressed watercolor paper also in the 8"x8" size and I thought I could try to do another drawing of them and try out watercolor.  I'm not yet confident with the watercolors either, but the only way to get the confidence is through practice.  

I think fear is my greatest character defect.  Fear of failure, fear of success.  And this is why having a regular art practice might be a good direction for me because I have to begin again all the time.  I have to somehow face the fear and get past it.  

Today's Experiment In Art

Approximately 8"x10", 98 lb paper, Sennelier watercolors, Caran D'Ache watercolor crayons and a touch of black India ink.

I got an art workbook yesterday called The Paintbrush Playbook by Ana Montiel.  It has 44 exercises to try out with watercolor, acrylic and inks in the book.  I've tested out 4 so far.  She is trying to teach in a playful, creative way about the basics of water based painting.  I need the help.  I'm doing my best to let go into playing and experimenting, into getting closer to understanding the mediums and supports.  I'm tentative still.  I like working with abstraction because it sets me free to be more intuitive about line, color, value, brush choice, brush marks.  It takes some courage to face the blank page or canvas or board.  I think that one thing I like about abstractions such as this one is that I have to look for meaning and pleasure in it.  There's no deep message and yet something of my spirit is expressed.  That's good enough.

Studying

Over the years I've gathered up art supplies.  Some I've given away to a friend when I haven't been working for a while on art, but I invariably return and pick up a few more things to try out.  This past month I've gotten a set of Caran D'Ache Neocolor II watercolor crayons.  I've tried them out a couple of times and I really like them.  The colors are rich and easy to apply to the paper and I can get some good texture coming through on my drawings.  I also got some Sennelier watercolors and I already had watercolor pencils.  I've done a small comparison test between them and they all have their strengths and they are all different.  The most versatile of them, for me, is the Sennelier watercolor.  I intentionally got artist grade watercolors to replace my student grade watercolors because I had read in a research book that there really is a definite difference in quality.  I can see/feel that it's true.  You can paint and you can draw with these watercolors, whereas with the watercolor pencils and crayons it has some bias towards drawing.  I'm still feeling them out.

The simplest way to learn about line, shape and value is with a pencil.  With portraits I usually do a pencil drawing, especially with watercolor portraits.  I've found sometimes the underdrawing is a stronger image than the painted image, but that is because I am still learning about painting.  Still learning about drawing too, about process.

Cork Board

Worm Dragon Monster

Studio Space With Smoke

Blue Mountains

Portrait Of A Young Man

Cat With Yellow Green Eyes

Peace

A Friend

Mother & Son In Watercolor

Mother & Son

Home Still Life

South African Children

Mother & Daughter

Work In Progress

Sunrise

Sun Road Watercolor Sketch

Today's morning study.  5"x7" watercolor with watercolor pencil on watercolor paper.  I overpainted it and lost the highlight of the paper.  I usually paint watercolors on an Arches paper block, so the paper is stretched and flat, but this paper was loose, which took away some of my control over laying down the paint.  This painting is based on a photograph that I got from Google Images.  I think I'd like to try again on stretched paper, maybe a little larger.  I took the photo of the painting with my good Nikon digital camera instead of my iPhone, so it stayed in focus.  Glueing it down helped too.
I love taking photos of my artwork.  When I crop it a little bit, I can make clean edges, which I like.  The color pops a little more intensely in the photograph.  So much of whether an images works or not depends upon background color and lighting.  Shift those and you change the appearance of the work.

I've decided to do at least one painting a day using the road theme, maybe road and sun theme in a landscape.  I showed Sunday's painting to my sponsor and she asked me to try painting the different feelings I have.  I will keep that in mind.  But one thing that is fun about painting is that the moods tend to shift as the painting progresses.  That's why sometimes I take photographs at different stages of the painting process to see the different moods.

Road, Trees, Sun

Geometric Landscape

Acrylic, gel & pencil - 8" x 10" on paper

I got a slow start today and didn't get to painting until a little while ago.  I was looking at more Diebenkorn paintings.  I didn't play around with other materials.  I want to sit with this style for a bit. Working with the acrylic and the gel gloss and focusing on dynamic colors, this painting makes me think of stained glass, a painterly version of it.  I like that some edges are clean and others are not.  It helps give the image a sense of movement along with the diagonal lines.

Art Process

Acrylic, Gloss & Pencil on paper, 8" x 10"

I stopped painting last March.  I stopped blogging.  I did quit smoking cigarettes from the first of January till the end of July last year.  Now I'm stuck with it for now.  I've been stuck lately with other things.  My sponsor told me that I needed to let my inner child play.  So I turned to art books and postcards.  I picked out a postcard with a photo of a Richard Diebenkorn painting called Ocean Park (Number 30).  Then I looked for and found a book called The Art of Richard Diebenkorn, a book given to me by my mother years ago (along with many, many other great books she chose for me).  I looked through the book for inspiration and insight and decided to base a simple painting on a few of the elements from the postcard.  This is my first attempt.  Here's Diebenkorn's image:

Richard Diebenkorn, Ocean Park (Number 30)

Diebenkorn has precise lines; I do not.  I'm not patient enough.  Diebenkorn used oils and painted large; I did not.  Diebenkorn worked on subtle surface variations.  I followed a little bit enjoying the brushstrokes on the paper using my Dollar Store acrylics, but my brushstrokes were primarily vertical and horizontal and hence not as vital.  I initially made some color choices based on Diebenkorn's image but soon strayed away.  The orange, pink and red are strong on the left side of my painting whereas Diebenkorn's salmon pink has a quieter vibrance.  

I think I will keep going with this painting, add more lines, vary the brushstrokes, maybe paint lighter tones over darker ones.  I might try a series of these and vary the approach after the initial shapes, colors and values have been set up.  I have stamps, patterned tape, watercolor pencils, various gels, collage pieces - a bunch of stuff to play around with.  

My play has a serious edge to it.  I think the child in me likes to study.  I have to remember to take breaks the way I do when I'm studying my support books.  Walk away to look again from a different place in time, in different light.  

Keeping Focused

"Don't be swayed by external circumstances."
                          Tibetan Lojong Slogan #50


Because I have a psychotic disorder that includes voices, I have "external circumstances" inside of my mind.  There is me, what feels like me inside, and then close by there are the voices, and I interact with the voices and can be influenced by them.  It is like living with someone with several personality parts I cannot fully detach from.  I have become accustomed to having no privacy with them and in many ways we are friends, so the lack of privacy is not so damaging.  But we are both mentally ill and sometimes his illness threatens to unbalance me mentally and emotionally.

I am learning to identify what boundaries I need to set with him.  I am learning to use affirmations to tell myself that it is okay to love and take care of myself, that it is okay to trust myself.  I can identify when he is uncomfortable.  He becomes reactive and defensive.  If he is trying to label and judge me, sometimes I become reactive and defensive.  That's what happened last night.  Yet my anger is okay.  It lets me know that my boundaries have been crossed and that I am hurting.  And when I express the anger to him, it lets him know that I am not accepting his label and judgment.

So I was swayed by external circumstances and need to be temporarily to learn the lesson that I must work to stay focused on my recovery, which is my spiritual path.  This Lojong slogan gives me permission to detach with kindness in order to continue the work of defining myself to myself in order to grow.

Willingness

"We inventory ourselves, we meditate, and we help others.  We acknowledge our own behavior.  We ask God, as we understand God, to continue providing us with willingness to love ourselves."
                                             Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families
                                                         Chapter 8, p 308-309


I strive to be honest, to be open and to be willing to be guided each day.  People who have trouble loving themselves have trouble even talking about the idea of loving themselves.  It's too emotional, feels too vulnerable.  I have felt that way.  Now I tell myself regularly that I love and respect myself.  It is an essential part of how I face the days and nights.  I still have some addictive patterns that try to sabotage my self love, but I am learning to identify those patterns and counter them with establishing healthy patterns.  This requires willingness.

Change

"I have an innate ability to heal and to grow.  I don't need to force myself to change.  All I have to do is to show up and be willing.  When I am ready, the changes will come easily."
                                                                            Courage To Change, October 24


My way, in my sickness, is to force change, to go too quickly.  I am learning that so much of healing comes from relaxing.  A lot of the 12 Step slogans are about this:  "Easy does it.", "Let Go And Let God.", "Live and Let Live.", "One Day At A Time."  So I show up for my life and stay open, willing to learn and honest in my approach.  I allow time to just be, to listen and look for moments of insight and intuition.  I know that can't be forced.  Change comes whether I force it or not; now I put the focus on how change comes to me.  I seek peace in my life and instead of resisting the flow of life, I go with it.  I train myself to go with it every time I relax.

Guilt And Shame

"Guilt helps us know when we've acted badly; shame tells us we are bad.  Guilt gives us a way back to our selves through making amends; shame leaves us hopeless.  To give in to shame and self-hatred only harms us and intensifies the power of the addiction.  There is a better way, and that's to learn to love ourselves."    
                                                                                       Answers In The Heart, April 24

"Hatred does not cease through hatred at any time.  Hatred ceases through love.  This is an unalterable law."
                                                                                      Buddha, The Dhammapada

Shame can mark you for life if you let it.  There are two directions - you can move towards self-love or away from self-love.  Self-love means loving yourself.  It is not selfishness to love yourself.  Love is not selfish in its very nature.

Neural Pathways

"Talk and self-help therapies that effectively change a person's thoughts and behaviors, such as working a Twelve Step program, can heal the brain in observable, predictable ways, guiding it through a process of physical restructuring.  This process appears to build and deepen new neural pathways, which in turn create new patterns of thinking and acting."
                                                    A Gentle Path Through The Twelve Steps, Patrick Carnes, p. 8

Detachment

"Detachment means we care, about ourselves and others.  It frees us to make the best possible decisions.  It enables us to set the boundaries we need to set with people.  It allows us to have our feelings, to stop reacting and initiate a positive course of action.  It encourages others to do the same. It allows our Higher Power to step in and work."
                                                                              Language Of Letting Go, August 21


 I love my brother and I worry about him.  He was harder hit by my mother's death than I was.  He has not been taking care of himself and the problems in his life have been increasing.  His friends are worried about him too.  When he has a problem in his life, he texts me about it.  Immediately I want to solve his problem, but I know that would only be taking away an opportunity for him to solve his own problems.  I have helped him, but I have to be careful not to do too much.  So I have been detaching with love from him.  It is my way of respecting his right to make his own decisions.  It also prevents me from engaging in my own addiction to codependence.  It gives me time to work through my own process.  I am not my brother's mother and he is not a child.  The more he is left to find his own solutions, the more confidence he builds in his abilities to take care of himself.  I have to remind myself that my brother has his connection to the Higher Power just as I do.  He is not alone.

Checking In

"I try to check in with myself on a regular basis.  Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?  If so, I can make a point of stopping what I am doing long enough to attend to my needs."
                                                                       Courage To Change, January 21


Checking in with myself repeatedly during the day and night is all about self-care which is all about self love.  I deeply believe that the Higher Power's will for the human species is that we love and take care of ourselves first, top priority.  Our most intimate relationship needs to be with ourselves.  We are the only ones who have been with ourselves since before birth till now and till we die and beyond.  Believing in a benevolent Higher Power and working with that Power and with others also in recovery makes us bond with ourselves with more and more conviction.  When we set a boundary with other people telling them clearly what is and is not okay, we stand up for ourselves.  We become our own best friend.

Self-Acceptance

"Stop trying so hard to do better, be better, be more.  Who we are and the way we do things is good enough for today.  Who we were and the way we did things yesterday was good enough for that day.  Ease up on ourselves.  Let go.  Stop trying so hard."
                                                                    Language Of Letting Go, July 27


Over and over I have read in support books that it is essential to accept myself as I am.  That is the starting point for healing.  I have also just read in the Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families big book that adult children are extremely hard on themselves.  Adult children internalize the Inner Critical Parent.  The way to heal that part of the self is to cultivate an Inner Loving Parent.  ACA suggests incorporating spoken affirmations into one's daily practice.  It helps me to say to myself "Who I am is good enough for today."  It helps me to say to myself "I am doing the best I can."

Fear

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers."
                                    One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

"The first thing to do is to admit to ourselves that we're afraid.  The second is to find out why."
                                    Answers In The Heart, January 19


What I have found through my experience with domestic violence and psychosis is that fear distorts reality.  When I was with my addicted boyfriend, I would anticipate all kinds of coming problems and act accordingly.  I would not give him the benefit of the doubt.  And I know there were times when he was full of good intentions and I was blind to see it because I was motivated by fear.  I knew I was afraid of him and I knew why I was afraid of him, but I allowed the fear to take control and direct my attitudes and actions.  My fear blocked me from reaching out to him and to others, blocked me from changing the direction of our relationship.

My fear while experiencing acute psychosis also distorted reality, fed my delusions and controlled my attitudes and actions.  I did admit to fear when I felt it, but I didn't always know why I was afraid.  There was no one in my life; it was all inside my head and the voices kept shifting and expressing different points of view.  And, of course, the voices worked hard to encourage me towards accepting the delusional story lines.

I've been learning lately to rely on prayer.  I turn my will and my life over to God when I say my prayers in the morning and I reassert that orientation repeatedly throughout the day and night when I ask for direction, when I say thank you.  When a fear comes up, I pray.  When I pray, I let go and let God come in and help me.  

Real Communication

"Most real communication actually creates the opposite of what we fear."
                                                                           Touchstones, January 18


Despite my social anorexia, my reclusiveness, I have connected with some people and this quote rings true for me.  When I have been honest and vulnerable, I have been received with kindness and generosity and not judgment and rejection.  The problem with my previous love addicted, abusive relationship was that I stopped practicing honesty.  Instead, I repressed and became resentful and this blocked my ability to practice "real communication".

Honesty

"Being honest is how we finally come to know what used to baffle us about our addiction.  When we create a unity between honest feelings, honest thinking, and honest action, we find that we have become honest people."
                                                                          Answers In The Heart, November 3


I see honesty as the life's blood of my spiritual practice.  Without it, I am lost.  Honesty is the prerequisite for communing with my Higher Power.  Sometimes I feel as if I am in denial and that is very uncomfortable for me.  I feel as if denial is a form of dishonesty.  I want so badly to be honest in what I say and do, in how I interact with others.  I need to realize then that I will find the truths I need to understand my experience when I am ready.  Sometimes denial is there for a very good reason.

Community

"Too often we lose our way by forgetting that we are part of a community, a society, a world.  When we were in our addiction, we closed ourselves off from others and drifted along alone."
                                                                                 Answers In The Heart, January 16


Social anorexia, or depriving oneself of human contact, is an addiction.  I have been practicing this addiction for so long that I lose sight that it is an addiction.  It has become "normal" but it is not healthy for me.  I have hurt myself over the decades by withdrawing from community, society, the world.

I recently discovered another 12 Step group called Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families or ACA.  So many people showed up for this group identifying with the 14 traits, or what the group calls "The Laundry List", who did not have drug using parents or caretakers.  ACA, as a group, decided to include anyone coming from a dysfunctional home.

I come from a dysfunctional home where my parents did not abuse drugs or alcohol.  Yesterday I went over the 14 traits and I found myself answering yes to all of them, if not in the present, then in my past.  I am an adult child.  I've used the label for myself over many years and I have used the label for my brother, who was also so affected by the way he was brought up by our parents.  My addiction to isolation stems from my experiences as a child.

I have come to believe in the reality that there are many, many groups of recovering people all over the world.  I make a daily commitment to join those people when I call my sponsor, join a meeting, read support books and listen to support audio.

My daily call:

The Inspiration Line:  215-574-2120

My weekly call:

The Inspirational Story Line:  215-574-2121